Am I overreacting about his lack of filter and inappropriate comments?

[soupertruper]

I've been dating a guy for a few months and he's really honest to the point of having no filter. We were out and he said 'look at that woman, do you think she's deliberately chosen to wear a t-shirt where you can her nipples so clearly?'. Another time he said he was walking down the street and could see a young woman/teen with her parents and that he could see the exact shape and size of her breasts and nipples to the point he could have drawn them and said he wanted to tell her parents so they could tell her to cover up.

I get the impression he's just not got a filter/awareness of how it comes across and is not being creepy or pervy. But it's all just icky and makes me feel uncomfortable.

He also has no awareness of how he comes across to others. He made a joke to his friend's wife about how they could elope with each other once her husband had left the room briefly to go to the toilet and couldn't understand why it had upset them or would upset someone after they bought it up. He was like it's just a joke and even funnier because he definitely doesn't fancy her. I was trying to explain I would be weirded out/upset by it if his friend has said it to me,

He has a tendency to overshare very personal thoughts/opinions and I just think keep them in your head. Not sure if I ought to be glad he's so open, but sometimes it's hurtful. I feel uncomfortable with him meeting my friends in case he says something embarrassing. Am I overreacting/being a prude or is this all a bit odd?

He’s a creep and the sexual comments are enough for anyone to dump him. He’s a weirdo.

It makes you feel icky and uncomfortable, so what does it matter what the intention behind it is?

You don't like the way you feel around him, so why would you even consider continuing it?

You've been dating a few months, this is the entire point of dating... so you can see when someone is incompatible and offputting while you still have no significant ties.

Of course he is being pervy and creepy. He's not open and honest he's just a massive dickhead. If you let him meet with your friends don't be too surprised when you start to find them keeping their distance. I very rarely see my oldest friend these days as her DH turns my stomach with his creepy comments.

You're saying he's not creepy/ a perve but he literally is, I dont know what you think a creep/perve looks like but im here to tell you that this is it, a man who not only looks at women's bodies like sex objects but also feels the need to tell others about it. This isnt about having a filter. Its because he's thick and nasty.
Why do you think you dont recognise that this guy is a perve who you should have dumped on the first comment, were you exposed to these kind of comments a lot in a previous relationship, or growing up?

There’s no such things being “too honest” or “not having a filter”, it’s just an excuse used by people who like to be rude and not held accountable for their rudeness.

Also big red flag that two of the comments you’ve mentioned make it clear he’s hyper focused on other women’s (including a teenager’s) breasts when out and about, including looking for long enough at a teenager’s breasts that he could have drawn every contour of them??? WTF 🚩

If he's "really honest" I guess that he's happy to say these comments loudly in the presence of other people? How does that go?

Op why are you choosing to entertain this? Is not accidental, he feels entitled to comment on womens bodies and encroach on them. He feels entitled to ignore when they feel uncomfortable. He feels entitled to dismiss you when you point out the issue.

He's just doing what he wants, so vote with your feet. He's a creep and it's unlikely it stops with the odd comment.

Are you going to continue with this relationship OP?

Does he make comments about men in tight shorts/tops? I'll bet not.

I'm sure you can see what he really is.

The comments were just to me, though he said his friends have commented on his being inappropriate at times too and called him up on it. It's just so weird as my initial reaction was it's pervy, but hen he was like it's because I only have eyes for you and love you so much and how you look that I can't help walking down the street and judging other women who don't compare to you. It's all just so at odds with other things he says.

It sounds silly but I'd feel uncomfortable if he met any of my female friends as he has commented on pictures of them he's seen when I've shown and said they're gorgeous or very pretty. None of it adds up and just feels weird.

Unbelievably creepy, pervy, and misogynistic. I agree with pp: the real question is why you don’t trust your instincts enough to have dumped him already.

Nope - I'm struggling with the weirdness of it all tbh as it's all been a bit strange. There have been lots of lovely brilliant things, but then things like this so it's not been black and white hence why I didn't walk straight away.

It doesn’t add up because his words are a lie and his actions betray that.

Get ahold of a book “the Gift of Fear” and learn to value your own instincts. Your intuition and your sense of “this is wrong” are there to protect you. Don’t overrule them for any man.

It really is weird and you are right to be concerned. Thinking of introducing him to your mum or other older female relations? Picture how that might go. The part about him comparing them to you sounds very manipulative. Be careful, OP.

Sometimes having "no filter" can be due to autism, but this doesn't really sound like that TBH. He's showing you who he really is & how he thinks - believe him.

So how many times do you think he's described your body in graphic detail to his mates down the pub?

Just dump him, he is utterly gross and repulsive.

I'm going to dump him - just working through and processing what you said about my instincts. It's all been very intense - lots of you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen (I didn't fall for that bullshit), meeting his friends and family very quickly, he was very quick to say the l-word and how it was love at first sight, lots of attention and texting and genuine honesty and vulnerability on both sides.

I have been love-bombed before and it really wasn't like that so am trying to unpack everything and go back to moments where my instincts flared up and I didn't listen to them. Fwiw, I've never had a healthy relationship and this is the closest I've gotten to one. I'm grateful my instincts were correct, but just processing why I didn't follow them sooner - i.e. did I think this is what a normal/healthy relationship looks like and how can I stop this from happening again?

The autism thing did occur to me combined with his idea that there were no secrets between us. I had an ex who I suspect was autistic say that he wanted to tell me about women he fancied and vice versa when we were out so there were no secrets between us and he couldn't get how that might be upsetting for me.

He studies teenage breasts in the street and then tells you all about it? He’s a revolting little pervert.

You are the most beautiful woman ever but let me describe that teenage girl’s nipples?
He has shown you who he is. He can temper his behaviour because he didn’t approach the girl’s parents as that would have earned him an arrest, or a smack in the mouth.
He is saying these comments to women like you and his friend’s girl to make you both feel uncomfortable and uneasy.
It is sick.
I dread to think what his search engine looks like….

Think of dating as an interview process, how would those comments go down in an interview? Would he be able to contain his creepy comments for a boss? If so why can't he do the same for you?

He's also made inappropriate jokes/innuendos with his (female) colleagues who do it back, but I just found it embarasing/icky. I can't really explain it - it's really out of odds with the rest of his character/behaviour/words - its like he's two different people.

Sounds horrible, OP. I’d feel really uncomfortable too.

tbh it reminds me a of a dear (F) friend who also has no filter. She used to be incredibly rude about people or things in public and did not understand that when people overhear what she said they might be hurt by it. This nearly broke our relationship but actually I just told her - when you say that, others may overhear and find it very hurtful. If you have these comments, think about how you’d feel if you heard them said about yourself. She is quite autistic but has greatly improved her filter.

with your man though, I think it would be far far too ick to put up with. The misogynistic undertones are very very gross.

The early days are a process where you are finding out things about your partner that you like and don’t like, that make you want to stay with them or not.

My reaction would be-‘why are you commenting on other people’s nipples? That is completely inappropriate, don’t do that again!’

If he has got the grand old age (of whatever he is), and not worked this stuff out, he must actually really struggle to get through the day.