Am I overreacting about his lack of filter and inappropriate comments?

[soupertruper]

I've been dating a guy for a few months and he's really honest to the point of having no filter. We were out and he said 'look at that woman, do you think she's deliberately chosen to wear a t-shirt where you can her nipples so clearly?'. Another time he said he was walking down the street and could see a young woman/teen with her parents and that he could see the exact shape and size of her breasts and nipples to the point he could have drawn them and said he wanted to tell her parents so they could tell her to cover up.

I get the impression he's just not got a filter/awareness of how it comes across and is not being creepy or pervy. But it's all just icky and makes me feel uncomfortable.

He also has no awareness of how he comes across to others. He made a joke to his friend's wife about how they could elope with each other once her husband had left the room briefly to go to the toilet and couldn't understand why it had upset them or would upset someone after they bought it up. He was like it's just a joke and even funnier because he definitely doesn't fancy her. I was trying to explain I would be weirded out/upset by it if his friend has said it to me,

He has a tendency to overshare very personal thoughts/opinions and I just think keep them in your head. Not sure if I ought to be glad he's so open, but sometimes it's hurtful. I feel uncomfortable with him meeting my friends in case he says something embarrassing. Am I overreacting/being a prude or is this all a bit odd?

I'm really tired of seeing claims that being autistic or having ADHD means you have no filter and are just rude; it's getting absurd. The guy is a total creep, plain and simple. Please stop supporting this nonsense and making excuses for it.
He is a weirdo creep.

Completely agree @aquashiv what this creep is doing is the typical ffwooorrr look at the size of her knockers pervy sexual objectification. Someone who is ND would be more likely to say oh look she’s got very big breasts hasn’t she. It’s a completely different context, tone, intent etc etc.
You can’t just blame autism - if someone was on the spectrum there would be other indications he was on the spectrum too, not just making inappropriate sexist comments about women’s bodies. Please stop blaming autism.

🤮🤮🤮

if he truly has no filter then he ought also to be making comments like 'ooh, that garden is so overgrown, why don't they get the lawnmower out and do something about it? Why is that man wearing that awful shirt, what a horrible colour!'

THAT is having no filter. If all his 'filterless' remarks are sexual and/or about women then he has a filter he just doesn't use it.

Friend’s ADHD teen has no filter, told me she hated my nail polish, calls people fat, comments on clothes. All to their faces.

She also has a running commentary on everyone you pass on the street. Workmen, old people with dogs - literally filter free. None of it pervy, just rude because it is genuinely unfiltered thoughts.

Your guy is just pervy by the sounds of it.

My friend - well ex friend- ended up with an utter weirdo similar to this after mutual friends fixed them up. They were also bigging him up to her about how he had been hurt before and never found a good woman etc etc. The sort of things that should be massive red flags
So I wouldnt put much weight on 'his lovely friends and family' as they are probably desperate to get him fixed up and off their hands

I’m also just going to add that many other people on the spectrum by complete contrast will try very very hard not to offend anyone or say the wrong thing and they will overthink what they’re going to say just in case it makes anyone uncomfortable (in this sort of context think ‘heavily chested’). They very much do have a filter. It’s a spectrum after all.
But getting back to the OP, so sorry OP, hope you’re doing ok xx

The man is a full grown adult in his 30s at least, and yet he STILL hasn't learned that he offends people with his grotesque sexualised comments about other people's bodies - including teenagers.

OP is not a rehabilitation centre for men who either can't or don't want to learn how to behave decently towards women.

And people like you who immediately say, when a man does shit things like ogling and then describing a teenager's breasts, "Oh maybe he has ND" - I know many people with ND, and they wouldn't behave like this, and they would be bloody offended that you reach for this shit excuse.

There are quite a few on this thread who are unable to realise how misogynistic his comments are. To those talking about ND and honesty/no filter. Can you not see that he’s only commenting against females?! So if he must voice what he sees, he would be making equal number of ‘did you see the outline of his cock and how tiny it was’ comments, wouldn’t he? But the comments he’s been making about men have only been positive and not sexualised. This is misogyny 101, and if you can’t see that, and rather jump to his defense about ND or honesty, then maybe do some thinking.

Well done op on realising you have to finish it and recognising you need to see the red flags sooner. My armchair guess is that you’re a people pleaser, hence the jump to ‘honesty’ rather than ‘rude and misogynistic’ and also that you were possibly enjoying being told you’re the best ever, and it’s difficult, but you need to try not to.

This, and also that because of that, the recipient needs to be the one to make allowances. It doesn’t matter what the root is if he makes the op feel uncomfortable. It just matters that the op feels uncomfortable. I wonder if the next step in our ridiculous #bekind culture is that it will be the law for females to not be allowed any choice in dating.

Well said @arethereanyleftatall not only are those posters defending a misogynistic creep but they’re also massively offending anyone who is ND

We were out and he said 'look at that woman, do you think she's deliberately chosen to wear a t-shirt where you can her nipples so clearly?'. Another time he said he was walking down the street and could see a young woman/teen with her parents and that he could see the exact shape and size of her breasts and nipples to the point he could have drawn them and said he wanted to tell her parents so they could tell her to cover up.

The fact that in the space of a few months he’s made two very specific comments about nipples poking through women’s tops, and one of them he actually saved up to tell you about afterwards, suggests to me that he actually has a fetish for that particular thing.

Especially with the “Do you think she did it deliberately” and “I wanted to tell her parents” stuff.

That isn’t throwaway, no-filter observations. That’s him trying to get you to talk about his favourite topic.

He has friends?

It’s difficult to know based on just a brief description, but it seems he may be neurodivergent and he just says what he thinks without any real intent behind it. He may not be able to help it, but that doesn’t mean you need to continue seeing him.

Is he having intrusive thoughts that he can't control? Do you think he can actually stop himself speaking these thoughts out loud? Maybe he's undiagnosed ND. If not and this is just him, then I don't think he's a keeper really.

Yes, I agree, there is a reason he said this.

Also, I forgot about this bit:

"Another time he said he was walking down the street and could see a young woman/teen with her parents and that he could see the exact shape and size of her breasts and nipples to the point he could have drawn them and said he wanted to tell her parents so they could tell her to cover up."

This is scarily misogynistic and rapey - HE sexualises a teenager just wandering around and it's HER fault?!

"Maybe he's undiagnosed ND."

OMG please everyone who is diagnosing this horrible man with ND, just stop it.

You're being REALLY insulting to ND people.

And even if he WAS ND, it's not an excuse for foul misogyny.

Calm down. You’ll give yourself a nosebleed.

THIS!!

Read what you wrote back to you as if someone else had written it and you are going to offer advice. What would you tell them?

What would you tell someone who is dating a guy who makes pervy, sexually demeaning comments about a woman and a teenager.

There is no such thing as not having a filter. It's just an excuse people use to be nasty, pervy, cruel and inappropriate.

My advice to you? Find a dumpster and leave him there. He'll fit right in.

Edited to add; even if he is ND, which OP has seen zero signs of that she has mentioned, one can still not be pervy and crude. I get tired seeing ND used as the newest excuse for behavior.

It’s ridiculous that ND is nowadays being used as a cover-all ‘reason’ for deviant / pervy / even criminal behaviour. People who are ND live and breathe amongst us and unless they tell you they’re ND very often you’d never know! Everyone probably knows at least one person who is ND without realising, yet will quite happily carry on diagnosing (mostly men) as ND on the basis of some unwanted behaviour. My friend’s partner who brings booobs into every conversation, never once has it crossed my mind he’s ND (so presumably can’t help it?!) no - he’s just a dick. There needs to be way more education about neurodiversity. You might as well say ah I wonder if he’s got blue eyes, that would explain his pervy behaviour.

He’s definitely Autistic, it doesn’t invalidate how what he says makes you feel (I know from being married to an autistic guy for over 30 years) however, from my experience he could really not understand how his words and thoughts could be inappropriate. It could be the total opposite than you think that he really thinks he shouldn’t be able to see women’s breasts in public but not aware that mentioning breasts is inappropriate in itself.

id bet for every thing he’s said that’s been icky, he’s thought it over and over in his head first, had a quick sanity check (his mind not other people’s) and thought he was being funny.. the amount of times I've had to jump in and explain what my husband actually meant are many.. apart from that he’s kind and funny and the least inappropriate person I know.