Am I overreacting about his lack of filter and inappropriate comments?

[soupertruper]

I've been dating a guy for a few months and he's really honest to the point of having no filter. We were out and he said 'look at that woman, do you think she's deliberately chosen to wear a t-shirt where you can her nipples so clearly?'. Another time he said he was walking down the street and could see a young woman/teen with her parents and that he could see the exact shape and size of her breasts and nipples to the point he could have drawn them and said he wanted to tell her parents so they could tell her to cover up.

I get the impression he's just not got a filter/awareness of how it comes across and is not being creepy or pervy. But it's all just icky and makes me feel uncomfortable.

He also has no awareness of how he comes across to others. He made a joke to his friend's wife about how they could elope with each other once her husband had left the room briefly to go to the toilet and couldn't understand why it had upset them or would upset someone after they bought it up. He was like it's just a joke and even funnier because he definitely doesn't fancy her. I was trying to explain I would be weirded out/upset by it if his friend has said it to me,

He has a tendency to overshare very personal thoughts/opinions and I just think keep them in your head. Not sure if I ought to be glad he's so open, but sometimes it's hurtful. I feel uncomfortable with him meeting my friends in case he says something embarrassing. Am I overreacting/being a prude or is this all a bit odd?

Before you dump him, ask him how many individual penises he could draw with complete accuracy from passing a man in the street.

Raging misogynist, probably quite dangerous. I think his behaviour is some sort of test to see what you will put up with.

Run far. There shouldn't be any of these moments with a civilised human being.

So he's really honest and has no filter. He just can't help himself. Funny how every example you've given is aimed at a female. He seems to have a filter around men.

Maybe he's better suited to someone who likes inappropriate comments, he's got to this age thinking it's ok, unlikely to change now. You deserve a relationship where you feel good, not uncomfortable!

Oh well, problem solved!

Has anyone told him how inappropriate and pervy his comments are, @soupertruper?

I see that you are planning to dump him - will you tell him the unvarnished truth about why this is happening?

This is the most important point OP !!!

It feels like he is two different people because he has been faking: one person is fake and the other is the real him. He had a mask on, and that mask is now slipping.

To be clear: the love-bombing man is the fake, and the misogynistic pervert is the real him.

He tries to gaslight you into accepting his inappropriate attention to and comments on other women’s bodies by having you believe that’s a compliment to you because he loves you so much?

Also, you’ve only been dating a few months and it doesn’t sound like he’s met any of your friends/family yet and he’s saying he loves you?

This guy is a walking red flag!

He's making creepy comments about women's bodies because he is a creep. He says them to you because you accept it and still see him. This is who he really is without his work or social veneer in place and that veneer is awfully thin.

Is this really ok with you? To be on a date or with your BF and he's making creepy comments about passing women? He sounds disgusting and offensive and you wouldn't be able to take him anywhere. Can you imagine going to a work do and he's going on about your coworker's nipples? Or take him to a friend's party and he's going on about some woman's shirt and breasts?

He can control or he'd be getting punched in the face.

The weird thing is that he would comment on men's bodies too - there were two guys doing parkour who ran past up and he said they've got great bodies, don't you think - I said I wasn't looking and another time, he commented on a topless guy cycling past and said he's got great abs. He's also pointed out women with great abs saying I wish I had abs like that, it's not fair. I'm usually pretty good at sussing out pervs but it's felt different so it's all been weird - maybe I was blinded by the early days, maybe it was something else.

Run for the hills!

He's telling on himself.

Genuine suggestions it sounds like you've had a really rough go of it, it might be worth searching for old threads on here 'red flags in dating' 'red flags in men' and having a read as I know there have been a few, and it sounds like you might need help recognising whats good and whats bad.

Also, its worth you understanding that 'normal' behaviour doesnt necessarily mean 'good' behaviour. There's a lot of badly behaved people out there, and just because something might be normal, and you might have others say its normal, doesnt mean that its good or that you have to put up with it.

Oh and you need to look at compatibility as the primary thing just because a person has a 'reason' to behave badly, that doesnt mean that the relationship is right for you. We are all the sum of our experience, and some people have been unlucky, but you dont have to put up with behaviour that makes you uncomfortable or upset because the person 'cant help it' or 'struggles with it' - its just a compatibility issue, and thats okay - it doesnt make you a bad person, you can be sympathetic to someone without being in a relationship with them.

There are some people who really, really struggle with social boundaries. But the point comes that whatever the reason, it's gone too far, made you uncomfortable and gone grossly into inappropriate territory.

It's ok - it's necessary - to stop seeing the person.

I have an ex like this. We were together for a while and I feel like I socialised him into some understanding of what was and wasn't acceptable. I don't flatter myself that I changed his thought process or view of things, but he definitely learned about what was and wasn't acceptable to say or try to discuss.

To begin with I was polite with him. But after a while I learned to be blunt.

• It's never appropriate to comment on women's breasts.
• Stop staring.
• She's young enough to be your daughter, it's wrong.
• Women don't need to look attractive.
• She doesn't wear make-up because she doesn't want to. Men don't. Why should women?

I don't know why he hadn't picked all of this stuff up as part of his development, but he clearly hadn't.

“he’s really honest” is not how I would describe him, OP
you will be guilty by association with this man who is not
firing on four cylinders
dump

@Lmnop22 I've been keeping him from meeting my friends instinctively - partly out of worry regarding the above comments and also because it felt way too early. I've met all his closest friends and family and it's been too much tbh - they have all been insisting I'm the one even though they have only just met me for a few seconds/minutes. I didn't fall for it but obviously I didn't walk away sooner enough so I'm working my way through it and why I didn't follow my instincts straightaway.

But he didn't say he could draw their dick, did he?

doesn't change anything.

Thanks @Thundertoast this was really beautifully put and made me tear up a bit :) Defo need to work on myself and boundaries, compatibility and comfort as the main drivers moving forwards

Could be on the spectrum, undiagnosed.

Having read this back and thought about it, it feels a bit like I've been collectively love-bombed/gaslit by his friends and everyone around him hence wondering if there was something wrong with me in feeling off about things. He's got lovely friends and a family which made it even weirder. I'm just untangling what was one of the weirdest romantic experiences of my life and I can't seem to find the words for it - I can't explain it, it doesn't feel like anything before in terms of the bad relationships I've had if that makes sense. It's like a whole other level of weirdness and I've been cheated on, dumped by text, met some awful strange people before but this is something else. It's like he was actually two different people

What sort of weird excuse is it that it's a compliment to tell you all about other women's boobs?!

I'd start walking past men then telling him "gosh did you see that guy's dick, it was so HUGE it was obscene! He needs baggier trousers!" then if he complains say "I just like comparing other men to you because you're so amazing, so I keep checking them out". Of course I wouldn't actually do this - I'd just dump him.

Funny how this 'no filter' thing purely manifests itself as creepy sexual comments isn't it? And yet he really isn't a creep?!

How could you think saying he could draw the naked breasts of a teen stranger not pervy?!

Normal men see women's nipples through clothing but they look away as they know they should not be staring at strange women's breasts. They don't make running commentary about their exact shape and size. He sounds absolutely cringe and a massive pervert.

This isn't "having no filter", it's being a misogynistic pig. If he had no filter he'd also make inappropriate comments about men, and non-sexual unfiltered comments.

You deserve the best, and thats the best for YOU as a whole individual person, with your own likes, dislikes, needs, dreams, personality, desires. Dont let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn't be accepting other than yourself, because they arent the ones who have to live it! To sit there uncomfortable when you are in a situation where your alarm bells are going off.
Glad it helped - definitely recommend looking up those threads, or starting your own! And I know its hard when you want to find someone, but taking a break to work on your boundaries and radar for bad behaviour is so valuable. Think of it like training for a marathon - attempting to run the whole thing without working towards it first would be a recipe for disaster!
Oh and one more thing... its not a bad thing to hold on to a bit of suspicion, when things are going well. Especially in the early stages. You sounded in your posts like you're trying to talk yourself out of examining the negatives, but looking at red flags with eyes wide open is a healthy way to be, a lot of people overlook red flags because they dont want to seem 'picky' or things outside of the flags are so good they want to believe the person in front of them is the good bits and not the red flags, but the fact is a person is the good bits AND the red flags, and the tough bit is figuring out how those red flags might develop and whether you want those red flags sticking around.