Hi everyone,
I'm posting anonymously because I'm feeling really lost and would appreciate some honest opinions, even if they're hard to hear.
I'm a 40-year-old woman and I've been married since 2022. On the surface, it probably looks like everything should be fine, but the truth is I'm feeling incredibly lonely in my marriage.
I hate admitting this, but I've started to resent my husband. I find him selfish, lazy and unreliable, and I'm struggling to see past it.
We're a blended family. I have one biological daughter, and he has several children from previous relationships. Both of his ex-partners have never worked and are unemployed, whereas I've always worked and have a full-time career in NHS education in a relatively senior role.
Despite that, I feel like the responsibility for our home falls almost entirely on me. We split everything financially 50/50, including contributing towards his children, but I still seem to carry the mental load and the physical load.
He leaves washing everywhere, never cleans, has never changed or washed a bed, and generally waits for me to do everything. By the time I get home from work, I feel exhausted and taken for granted.
There have also been trust issues. A while ago, I discovered he'd been exchanging suggestive memes with a much younger colleague. They both insisted it never went any further, and to his credit he changed jobs because we agreed it was the best way to try and rebuild our marriage. I've tried to move on from it, but I can't pretend it didn't damage my trust.
What makes things harder is that he leaves for work after I do and gets home before me, yet I still have to ask, or rather beg, for the bare minimum around the house. He doesn't make me feel special anymore. We don't go on dates, he doesn't surprise me or really think about me, yet he always seems willing to go the extra mile for other people.
Over the last six months our intimacy has almost disappeared. We barely have sex anymore, and I've tried talking to him about it. He insists nothing is wrong, says he loves me and tells me everything is fine, but his actions don't match his words. I can't shake the feeling that I'm being neglected and taken for granted.
My previous long-term relationship was full of infidelity and deceit, so I'm aware I carry some baggage from that.
I know it probably makes me more sensitive to changes, and I don't want to jump to conclusions, but deep down I feel like something isn't right.
I suppose what I'm really asking is this:
Am I expecting too much? Is this just what marriage becomes after a few years? Am I letting my past make me paranoid, or does this sound like someone who's checked out of the relationship?
Most importantly, how would you approach a conversation with him that isn't accusatory but gets across how serious this has become? I don't want another argument. I want to know if this marriage can be fixed, but I also don't want to spend years feeling lonely while living with someone.
Please be honest. I'm genuinely looking for perspective, whether you think I'm being unfair or whether you think my concerns are valid.
Thank you for reading.