Feeling lonely and resentful in marriage, am I expecting too much?

[TheWildBee]

Hi everyone,
I'm posting anonymously because I'm feeling really lost and would appreciate some honest opinions, even if they're hard to hear.

I'm a 40-year-old woman and I've been married since 2022. On the surface, it probably looks like everything should be fine, but the truth is I'm feeling incredibly lonely in my marriage.

I hate admitting this, but I've started to resent my husband. I find him selfish, lazy and unreliable, and I'm struggling to see past it.

We're a blended family. I have one biological daughter, and he has several children from previous relationships. Both of his ex-partners have never worked and are unemployed, whereas I've always worked and have a full-time career in NHS education in a relatively senior role.

Despite that, I feel like the responsibility for our home falls almost entirely on me. We split everything financially 50/50, including contributing towards his children, but I still seem to carry the mental load and the physical load.
He leaves washing everywhere, never cleans, has never changed or washed a bed, and generally waits for me to do everything. By the time I get home from work, I feel exhausted and taken for granted.

There have also been trust issues. A while ago, I discovered he'd been exchanging suggestive memes with a much younger colleague. They both insisted it never went any further, and to his credit he changed jobs because we agreed it was the best way to try and rebuild our marriage. I've tried to move on from it, but I can't pretend it didn't damage my trust.

What makes things harder is that he leaves for work after I do and gets home before me, yet I still have to ask, or rather beg, for the bare minimum around the house. He doesn't make me feel special anymore. We don't go on dates, he doesn't surprise me or really think about me, yet he always seems willing to go the extra mile for other people.

Over the last six months our intimacy has almost disappeared. We barely have sex anymore, and I've tried talking to him about it. He insists nothing is wrong, says he loves me and tells me everything is fine, but his actions don't match his words. I can't shake the feeling that I'm being neglected and taken for granted.
My previous long-term relationship was full of infidelity and deceit, so I'm aware I carry some baggage from that.

I know it probably makes me more sensitive to changes, and I don't want to jump to conclusions, but deep down I feel like something isn't right.

I suppose what I'm really asking is this:
Am I expecting too much? Is this just what marriage becomes after a few years? Am I letting my past make me paranoid, or does this sound like someone who's checked out of the relationship?

Most importantly, how would you approach a conversation with him that isn't accusatory but gets across how serious this has become? I don't want another argument. I want to know if this marriage can be fixed, but I also don't want to spend years feeling lonely while living with someone.

Please be honest. I'm genuinely looking for perspective, whether you think I'm being unfair or whether you think my concerns are valid.

Thank you for reading.

Precisely. Chances are she has simply been conditioned to ‘be nice’.

I wouldn't bother having a conversation with him, he will either: promise to change, but won't, or he won't listen, or he'll turn it round and blame you. We see this so many times on here, and the general consencus is these men don't change. He's lazy, switched off and absolutely no use to you at all. Try talking to him, I hope I'm wrong

Your impressionable daughter is watching you be treated like a doormat.

How did the conversation go?

im afraid it doesn’t sound hopeful, and if you’ve spoken to him about various elements before and not seen drastic change then I don’t know why you think this will be any different and being honest with yourself, do you want him to step up ONLY because he feels he has no choice? Don’t you want someone who really tries because it matters to you?

I would also consider how this will impact your child to see this dynamic being treated as the norm and accepted. I wouldn’t want my child to think that one person doing significantly more is an acceptable model for being partners and a family. It might be hard as you say your child gets on with them, but there is more to it than that and at the age of your child now is a pivotal moment in telling them what relationships should and can be

Thankfully, you don't have any children with him.

I feel sorry for your daughter though - I assume she didn't really have much of a choice than to accept living with this prince and his children? I think it's likely she'll benefit from the split. You sound like you're quite self sufficient and you're already doing so much so she'll probably only feel the upside of it, once the initial upheaval of splitting is over.

How do you bring it up?

You sound at the end of your tether with him, so you probably need to be fairly candid. Something along the lines of:

"Are you happy with our relationship and family life [DH]? Because I'm not. We need to make some big changes or talk about how to break up."

You can sit him down and have all the serious conversations you want but this man will not change. You're paying half the bills (including the ones for HIS kids), taking care of the home and carrying the mental load. He's comfortable, so of course he's going to tell you everything is alright because he won't want to lose that comfort. He may make changes for a period of time if you threaten divorce, but he most likely with revert back to old habits.

Are you/him willing to go to couples therapy as a last resort?

Read your post back and if a friend or your daughter came to you with the same scenario, what would you tell them?

But to answer your question, no you are not asking for too much. The bare minimum is what you asking for x

Hi op the first thing is to tell him your not picking up after him anymore he’s a lazy fucker resentment is expected I don’t think he’s going to be honest about infidelity but he obviously has form you need to decide do you want to be his mum or his roommate because he’s not bringing anything to your life is he. Even if he’s not cheating he’s taken you for granted and modern men usually help with the house no matter who works. Do you love him? Loneliness is a hard pill to swallow most men want the sex do you think he’s going without completely has he done this before. Seems a long time without intimacy tbh.

Two at leaat past relatiinships who kicked him out...be the third. Run .

I think your expectations arent enough. The job isnt just the doing, its the responsibility for noticing the planning to preempt so you dont find yourself 1 wipe from no loo roll or 1 cuppa away from no milk.

Releasing the bed is due a change and knowing you have washing powder in and checking for a good line dry day is as much the thing as striping the bed and bunging it in the washer.

Youve just said - you pay 50:50 but youre 2 people and hes him and his brood of half siblings. So its not 50:50 its you providing for his kids.

He doesnt do house work, he doesnt do intimacy, he doesnt do romance, he doesnt do long days and he might do emotional affairs...

You need to when youre calm spell this out and its shape up or ship out

Op, marriage is hard work at the best of times even in the happiest of marriages so don’t be so hard on yourself.
have you communicated what you want/expect of him? Ie leave a list in the morning and say before you go to work do x, y , z! My husband doesn’t do shopping , cooking and has certainly never changed our bed linen! (But we have a cleaner 2 times a week) and a full time nanny so it’s just work, kids and the dog to focus on rather than chores! Would you go on a date if he suggested it?

Give it a time limit OP. Give him a chance to change by having a convo with him about all the things you’d like him to do without being asked or nagged. Say you’re giving it until the end of the summer and if nothing has changed you’re leaving. Then follow through if nothing changes. Sending love xxx

It shouldn't be like this but for many women it is. That said most couples I know where the wife also works full time or close to split chores and cooking. If he is doing literally nothing at all, not even loading or unloading the dishwasher you need to just straight up tell him you're unhappy about that. He will sulk, probably use silent treatment. Don't give in. Men like this will give you nothing for free. They must be managed properly.

On a broader note, you sound unhappy. Once intimacy is gone that's it. Would be different maybe if you had shared children or were in your 60s or older. But you're 40. You can sustain yourself and your child with your own job. Id straight up tell him you are thinking of divorce and what does he want to do? If he wants to keep you, he will change.

What was he like when you first met?

Who cares, that's just water under the bridge.

OP, get a divorce. Your future self will thank you. Take it from me.