Feeling lonely and resentful in marriage, am I expecting too much?

[TheWildBee]

Hi everyone,
I'm posting anonymously because I'm feeling really lost and would appreciate some honest opinions, even if they're hard to hear.

I'm a 40-year-old woman and I've been married since 2022. On the surface, it probably looks like everything should be fine, but the truth is I'm feeling incredibly lonely in my marriage.

I hate admitting this, but I've started to resent my husband. I find him selfish, lazy and unreliable, and I'm struggling to see past it.

We're a blended family. I have one biological daughter, and he has several children from previous relationships. Both of his ex-partners have never worked and are unemployed, whereas I've always worked and have a full-time career in NHS education in a relatively senior role.

Despite that, I feel like the responsibility for our home falls almost entirely on me. We split everything financially 50/50, including contributing towards his children, but I still seem to carry the mental load and the physical load.
He leaves washing everywhere, never cleans, has never changed or washed a bed, and generally waits for me to do everything. By the time I get home from work, I feel exhausted and taken for granted.

There have also been trust issues. A while ago, I discovered he'd been exchanging suggestive memes with a much younger colleague. They both insisted it never went any further, and to his credit he changed jobs because we agreed it was the best way to try and rebuild our marriage. I've tried to move on from it, but I can't pretend it didn't damage my trust.

What makes things harder is that he leaves for work after I do and gets home before me, yet I still have to ask, or rather beg, for the bare minimum around the house. He doesn't make me feel special anymore. We don't go on dates, he doesn't surprise me or really think about me, yet he always seems willing to go the extra mile for other people.

Over the last six months our intimacy has almost disappeared. We barely have sex anymore, and I've tried talking to him about it. He insists nothing is wrong, says he loves me and tells me everything is fine, but his actions don't match his words. I can't shake the feeling that I'm being neglected and taken for granted.
My previous long-term relationship was full of infidelity and deceit, so I'm aware I carry some baggage from that.

I know it probably makes me more sensitive to changes, and I don't want to jump to conclusions, but deep down I feel like something isn't right.

I suppose what I'm really asking is this:
Am I expecting too much? Is this just what marriage becomes after a few years? Am I letting my past make me paranoid, or does this sound like someone who's checked out of the relationship?

Most importantly, how would you approach a conversation with him that isn't accusatory but gets across how serious this has become? I don't want another argument. I want to know if this marriage can be fixed, but I also don't want to spend years feeling lonely while living with someone.

Please be honest. I'm genuinely looking for perspective, whether you think I'm being unfair or whether you think my concerns are valid.

Thank you for reading.

Thanks for the comments. My child is 13 and get on with him really well. I will try and bring this up tonight but I am not hopeful, when I bring stuff like this up he just stays quiet and says sorry woth no real change

Oh I am so sorry OP

My friend has a husband who is lazy and she has to do everything but no kids and no question of infidelity, but mental health. That situation creates enormous resentment for her so I can't imagine how difficult your situation is

Sorry to say that if this is the pattern of behaviour this early in the marriage, this is the marriage. You say you feel neglected and you are. Please, trust your instincts and look for exit

You don't need to live like this

I also recommend next time around, keep your own place and have him keep his own place so you don't have to carry the full weight of the relationship. And there will be a next time around because life is for living.

He reacts like this because he has learned that it works. You give up and keep settling for him and his behaviour.

Agree. It sounds like he bring nothing to your life. I’d get rid and start again with your child. At least then you’ll just be cleaning up after yourself not this guy and all his kids.

Well it's a pointless conversation to have then, isn't it?

I think if you're going to discuss it, go in hard and with a picture of what you want to happen in mind, what improvements you want to see:-
Eg. "I'm thinking of leaving you because it's got so bad for me in this relationship. I need you to show me that you want us to work by cooking every other day, doing the washing up if you're not cooking that day, picking up half the chores. I'm tired of being treated like the maid. I want a partner, not a passenger. And I need that to start today."

And don't get fobbed off by sad face and apologies that lead to nothing.

Ultimately it's up to you what you put up with. I'd be prepared to fuck him off over this.

Struggling to see why you married someone like this when you are a successful woman with a good career and only one child, whereas he has multiple (wondering how many?!) and is lazy around the house and can’t parent by the sounds of it.

I would also question paying for his kids gifts etc as it takes away from your own child.

what is the house situation and could you manage it if he left?

He will never change - hence the reason for his multiple exes.

You’re still young - please leave this lazy excuse.

He leaves washing everywhere, never cleans, has never changed or washed a bed, and generally waits for me to do everything.

I genuinely don’t understand how this happens in a relationship.

He is an adult and is just as responsible for cleaning as you are.
He must have done this when he lived alone, so why has he stopped now.

I would never be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t see me as their equal.

I would be sitting him down and having a serious conversation about how he needs to do half of everything.

Give it 3-6 months and see if there have been any changes.
If he can’t even be bothered to change for 6 months, then you know he’ll never change and this is your life, so I’d end it.

Over the next few months, I would also be doing things like putting money away, decluttering etc so that if you do have to end your marriage then you’re in a better position to do so.

I hate to say it but I think this relationship is already over and the next 6 months is perhaps just a chance to come to terms with it.

I was married to someone like this, we were together for nearly 16 years. He did work a lot and earned a lot of money, but I also work full time. At home he behaved like he was still about 15 while I did EVERYTHING. If he ever cooked it would be just for himself. If he did any laundry he would only wash his own stuff claiming he needed it for work. If I cooked he would go sit doing his hobby until I called him down to eat like a child. If I did any gardening he would sit inside doing his hobby. Honestly I could write a book about it.

Anyway I’m here to tell you it doesn’t get any better. In fact, I think me doing everything just inflated his own sense of importance and entitlement. Eventually he had an affair and we split a few months ago.

File for divorce. His actions don’t match his words do they and it sounds like he is just using you.

Looks like you've married a loser. You're not alone, OP - many of us have. I agree with PP, the marriage is still young so get out of it now. Of course he won't change.

This op. He wont change unless he thinks ypu mean it. If he actually believes you mean it, he'll change temporarily.

If sex has always been important to hom and now youre not doing it, he's probably cheating (also basing this on y9u saying something is off and his past behaviour).

Honestly, cut him loose while this is still classed as a shorter marriage.

Owned or rented ?

He gets out of it a woman who keeps the household, helps him with his kids and makes his financial situation better and his life easier.

You get more work, less money for your own child.

All he has to do is say “I love you” once in a while, easy, I’d say it too if it got me all that. When someone actually loves you they look out for you and your wellbeing, not exploit you. This is the bit you need to get over, it’s not the chance of extra housekeeping thats keeping you in the relationship, it’s because you want to believe he loves you. The conflict is because you know that what he says and what he does are complete opposites.

Also no, this is absolutely not what all relationships look like.

I struggle to see what you get out of this relationship. You're the maid of your husband and his children, except, instead of him paying you for it, YOU are paying HIM for the privilege of being his slave.

It sounds like you don't make very good judgement calls or decisions when it comes to choosing partners. I'm not sure why that is but I'd definitely look into it if I were you...

You are not being unreasonable. Having several children from previous relationships with women who never worked is a bit of a warning sign as to the type of person he might be. A person who is responsible, hard working and has good judgement doesn't usually repeat this scenario twice. It is very expensive and very hard work if you are actually pulling your weight.

Absolutely this. You need to be ready to leave. He's treating you like a maid but you don't have to accept it.

I wouldn't even bother having the conversation, men like him don't change. Sounds like he has spun you lies about his previous relationships, has poor boundaries with other women (sharing inappropriate memes) and is neither trustworthy nor reliable as a partner.

just make plans to leave. What are you teaching your child about relationships?

OP, I could have written this myself. Married for 13 years. I did everything for everyone. After my youngest was born 5 years ago something just switched and I realised how much I was being taken advantage of. Several years of explaining how I felt taken advantage of, our sex life was none existent mainly because of the resentment I felt at being treated like this. He still claims he tried to do better, and he probably did slightly but only when it ever benefitted him. And fundamentally men like this do not change.
And then I found the messages to other women, his excuse being he wasn’t getting it at home and needed an outlet. Fundamentally, you don’t treat someone you love in this way.
Unfortunately still trying to divorce and he’s fighting me tooth and nail but me and the kids are so much happier

Why did you marry him........

Fuck this OP. How did you get into this mess. You need to get rid of him asap. He will have half your pension and everything.
I cant believe what Im reading.

I'd be concerned about your DD getting on well with him. She's seeing a man who treats you like a slave, spends your money, does nothing in the house, can't even get presents for his children. He's a dreadful role model.

@TheWildBee THIS IN BUCKETFULS!
Tbh I wouldn’t waste my time. Just lawyer up and get prepping to get rid of a lazy slob.

Another vote for leave - he is seriously taking the piss. He’s got a live in maid and nanny, who subsidises him financially by contributing to the upkeep of his children. If the sex was great/he was good company I could just about understand (though the resentment would still kill this relationship eventually), but he’s not even pretending to be a real husband anymore. Personally, for me, there’s nothing to salvage here.

Your DS getting on well with DH day to day doesn’t necessarily mean that your marriage has, overall, been good for DS. From what you’ve said it’s not been.

If your H wanted to behave differently he already would have.

I think need to spell out a fair division of household tasks so you aren’t left with it all. Same with mental load. If his stuff doesn’t get done it will be his responsibility. eg if the bins don’t get emptied / taken out. if he leaves clothes around don’t pick them up / wash them.

Stop buying his kids Xmas presents or any of his family presents.