Just feeling so resentful today

[SummerFruitss]

Not really a relationships post, more of a vent.
I’m so sick of how dads can just walk away from their children with seemingly no consequences. People tell me I’m “lucky he doesn’t bother”, but honestly… how is that lucky? It really winds me up that it’s seen as so acceptable that I’m expected to be grateful he’s absent.
I know being forced to have contact with someone who doesn’t want it wouldn’t be a good thing, but I can’t help feeling angry that he gets to carry on with his life while I deal with everything. I want him to face some sort of consequences.
It’s going to be a long summer. I won’t get a single break, not even for five minutes, and I’m just fed up that this is my life now while he gets to opt out. Does anyone else ever feel this resentful? Or am I just having one of those days?

I think what thet mean is that its easier than having to interact with a looser. Its nit lucky though is it?

And ffs get a sitter. I had dd all alone and he has never been around.
I hired a lovely sitter/ childminder. Lifesaver and dd loved her.

Behave with your ‘ffs.’ Not everyone has a spare £30 for ad hoc babysitters and childminders. You have one DD IIRC, and she must be in her 20s now.

Yes he has a daughter who isn't there for either and she is still young so will go through what my boys did.

I don't get that either (sorry OP).

We used the Sitters agency when DC was young (the sitters were all lovely - usually mumsor grannies and the best was a young teacher). We also paid the adult son of a friend for some early mornings, a neighbour for some after schools, briefly had an after school nanny and now have q couple of teenagers on speed dial (eldest of the kindly neighbour, and a former student).

We don't have anyone who'd do it for free!

Also holidays clubs were my decision not DC's, although I agree it's hard once they hit 13 or so unless they got an interest like music or sport.

I mean I totally understand why you feel resentful especially as your ex presumably kept up the "act" for at least a decade if you've got 4 kids? But you don't need to cut off your nose to spite your face so to speak. If you can afford a babysitter or clubs (and if you can't there's those "HAF" local authority ones), use them!

Does everyone know that lone parents are more likely to be living in poverty, either unable to work at all or having to accept very reduced hours in compromised career?

And does everyone accept that even if you’re a high flying city banker then it’s still one high flying city banker income?

And babysitters don’t generally work pro bono?

And that’s before I even start trying to explain the absolute lack of any spontaneity in your life. You can’t think I fancy going to the gym tonight or a walk would be lovely. Perhaps most importantly relaxing in your own home has gone; you can’t ask DH to take them out for a bit to give you a break at home.

Does that help everyone ‘understand’?

And apologies as that message was far more adversarial than I normally like to be on here. I just hate it when smug married people (and you may not be doing so intentionally but you are) take what the OP is saying away from her and turn the thread into a bossy list of things she is doing wrong as a single parent and if she just did as she was told all would be well.

Honestly, it depends on the dad.

My ex is determined to make my life as difficult as possible, and consequently weaponises the children.

My life, and my child’s, is harder with him involved.

Of course I understand that although having 4 children is not the norm.

But OP seemed to rule out all childcare from people she doesn't already know.

Maybe it’s easier to say ‘I’d rather not send them to people I don’t know’ than ‘I’m on the bones of my arse and I can’t justify the cost of a babysitter just so I can walk around for an hour on my own’ @Phineyj .

I have splurged this summer and signed the three of us up to a gym membership. It costs £100 a month but I get to use the crèche with a small soft play and craft activities as many times as I like.

But £100 is not to be sneezed at and the crèche is only open 10-2, it’s a good half hour drive and has to be booked in advance. So those ‘man the kids are driving me nuts someone save me’ days are a no goer.

And I do get that for a lot of parents in a couple one is at work but that is still different to never. In some ways I find short breaks from the kids harder, like when you sit down at lunch at work and then find it harder to motivate yourself for the afternoon slog.

You do need a break.

You have a 12 year old and 8 year old? How old are the other 2?

You need to find a holiday club the 8 year old will do, even if it's only for a day or 2. Presumably they are at school in term time so they could cope with being in a group. If you search I'm sure you can find something that interests them. I've seen everything from coding/gaming, to cookery, to rugby available. Something must appeal and to be honest even if they moan, you need them to attend to get a break.

A 12 year old should be able to be left for a few hours at least.

You might not be able to get a full day but a couple of hours here and there to recharge.

Also, going forward see if you can get them enrolled in cubs/scouts. Most do camps at very reasonable costs which could help during the holidays going forward.

Do you work at all? What do you do with the kids if you are working during the holiday?

Quite possibly in which case she'd meet the criteria for this:

Holiday activities and food programme 2026 to 2027 financial year - GOV.UK https://share.google/3l72DLwSL6VRdFNyU

I can assure you there are people who could pay who don't because "strangers" as I have been criticised by them for paying for babysitters, wraparound care and holiday clubs...one of them had four adult siblings living locally who were prepared to look after her kids!

Oh and my sister always refused to use paid for childcare because she doesn't trust anyone to take care of her DC/didn't get round to organising it. She's not hard up.

It isn’t just about how hard up you are though @Phineyj . Ask yourself honestly, would you be able to justify £30 to walk around for an hour once a week? Honestly?

I don’t have 4 children? Not sure where I said that!

I won’t be using a sitter but thanks to those that could relate and understand.

If the parent with care abandoned the children they’d be prosecuted. I dont see the “father” doing so as much different. I would take away their passports / driving licences until they took their responsibility seriously.

What I did personally (like another poster earlier) is use a gym subscription for a while in a place that had kids' classes and a creche. And yes I do think the mum's mental and physical health is important. After all, if she falls to bits it is awful.for everyone.

I'm sorry OP, I misunderstood re children . You referred to an 8 year old, a 12 year old who is currently being difficult, and "older ones" who are too cool for clubs so I thought there were 4.

My kids aren’t too cool for clubs 🙄 but most preteens/ teens dont go to summer clubs. They are not sporty which is a problem as most of the clubs around here are just that, sports based, or aimed at younger children. They were bullied in the last summer club they went to so dont want to go back now which I can’t say I blame them. They are mostly run by a load of teens.

That does sound difficult and I certainly wouldn't want to go back to a club that bullied me!

What do you do for work then - do you just have to try to work around them being at home?

That poster was me and it costs £100 a month. That’s out of reach for a lot of lone parents. And it costs petrol money to get there, you have to prebook it and it’s only open 10-2. Plus as much as it’s nice to get a breather from the kids it doesn’t even compare to being able to have a days shopping or lunch with a group of friends or any of the other things people in couples take for a given.

Round here there are cooking, music and drama options for the non sporty. They're both quite word of mouth though as they're run by providers who do weekly clubs during the school term.

I'm not going to contribute any more because I don't think the OP wants suggestions or solutions which is her right of course. People aren't going to take care of or entertain your kids for free are they?!