Just feeling so resentful today

[SummerFruitss]

Not really a relationships post, more of a vent.
I’m so sick of how dads can just walk away from their children with seemingly no consequences. People tell me I’m “lucky he doesn’t bother”, but honestly… how is that lucky? It really winds me up that it’s seen as so acceptable that I’m expected to be grateful he’s absent.
I know being forced to have contact with someone who doesn’t want it wouldn’t be a good thing, but I can’t help feeling angry that he gets to carry on with his life while I deal with everything. I want him to face some sort of consequences.
It’s going to be a long summer. I won’t get a single break, not even for five minutes, and I’m just fed up that this is my life now while he gets to opt out. Does anyone else ever feel this resentful? Or am I just having one of those days?

I don’t understand the idea that you can’t leave them with a babysitter for a few hours a week. I babysat all the time as a teen. Are there no reliable teens or uni students who want the job? Are all outsiders viewed with such suspicion in the UK?

You're in the trenches, OP. I've been there and shared that bitterness that he got off so lightly. He never contributed as much as a pencil towards school stuff, never bought a pair of shoes or a tin of beans. Didn't stand on the side of football pitches in the pissing rain for 10 years, didn't do any midnight pick-ups from friends houses, no parents nights or school meetings. I had no-one to share the hard times with or discuss a problem to try find a solution.

But now my kids are all over 17, I can see that actually, it was better without him. He would have offered no valuable parental input. God knows how the kids could have turned out with his irresponsible teachings and attitudes.

I've never had to compromise on my parenting decisions. I've never had to miss a Christmas with my babies. I've never had to see how I'd cope with the kids having a step mum, or half siblings. All their successes are theirs and mine. He can claim no glory for the wonderful people they are, and will continue to be. Everyone who matters know what he contributed (fuck all).

Yeah, I wish my life wasn't such a struggle but if the choice was to a) struggle considerably or b) struggle a little AND have him in the picture, it's an easy choice.

It is very shit for absolutely everyone involved except for the man. There are no ifs and buts about it. It should be criminal.

I take my hat off to women like you. You’re basically two adults in one. I say this as a SAHM of two with a loving, present, supportive husband. I admire you so much.

Thats not the point of the thread, why should I spend out loads of money and leave my kids with someone I don’t know? Babysitters aren’t cheap anyway and I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my kids with someone I didn’t know well, besides I don’t have anywhere to go, I want to stay home and rest not go out.

Perhaps that's why you're so resentful, because you don't really have anything for yourself.

You would get to know a babysitter and you could get recommendations and reviews, check they're dbs-checked etc. Don't you have any friends in similar situations who might do reciprocal babysitting?

I don't think it's good for you to expend your emotional energy on resenting a man who has fucked off and ain't looking back.

Even if it was a couple of hours at a gym or coffee shop or art class or something, having something just for yourself would probably do you the world of good.

I have friends but their kids dads are involved I think I mentioned that already so they don’t want to swap babysitting, their lives are pretty much the same or better than before. Splitting has been positive for them as they get far more time to themselves than they ever had before so they are not in the same situation.

The truth is it’s very hard to maintain friendships when your kids full time. They go on holiday together, nights out etc and I can’t come so friends have distanced

thanks, i do understand a lot of this but they can still have half siblings I dread the day I hear my ex is having another child when he never bothered with ours that may potentially come looking for them one day.

I get what you are saying but by the time my kids were out of primary they didn’t want to go to dads anyway. So then I was stuck with all the picking up from parties, dropping off at parties… never anyone to share it. I feel for you ,I really do.

Mine wouldnt get a choice 🫣 (unless abusive obviously they would still be going)

As much as MN is a force for good sometimes at other times on threads like this it can be unbelievably frustrating.

A parent fucks off, doesn’t bother with his children either practically or financially, but what the thread chooses to focus on is a babysitter.

FWIW, even though mine are little, ‘a babysitter’ doesn’t even come close to having another parent around. It’s prohibitively expensive, it’s a few hours at best, it’s no good if your kids won’t engage and oh yeah, it’s really expensive.

Sorry, that sucks.

Thanks! It bugs me so much when people think a sitter is the same as having the other parent involved. So tone deaf.

It’s ridiculous. I mean, even if you had a really good babysitter on tap and money wasn’t an issue it completely removes any flexibility. My friends can casually agree to nights out and days out and for me it’s a long ‘have to check with X and sort Y.’ And it does affect friendships and that’s without people who think as a lone woman you’re on the prowl!

Not going to offer advice, totally agree with you it's shit and you are more than entitled to a rant

It is absolutely shit and relentless and all the 'helpful' suggestions in the world don't make it any less shit.

Thank you, honestly im sure those people mean well but it’s so frustrating reading it.

Exactly, ive thought of all the suggestions people have made, of course I have but it’s not the same and doesnt make the situation easier. It’s the resentment anger and frustration I feel towards him.

It is unfair, I was in a similar position 20 yes ago. My ex never contributed a penny and was off living his life, going on holidays with his girlfriends and living the life of a care free person while I was a single parent to out two boys. He lived to far away for my children to see him regularly, usually once or twice a year for a few days, but now that they are older, they want nothing to do with him and they appreciate what I have done for them. I know that doesn't help how you feel now, but it will get easier and the resentment gets less.

Any parent could walk away, but most of us don't want to. There are lousy mums, probably not as many, because if we got pregnant and didn't want a kid, we'd have an abortion or have the baby adopted. But there are some people who say they want kids, plan them, then don't want to have them any more once they're born!
I suppose if he's not going to be involved, it's better he never is instead of hurting the kid coming in and out of their lives. It's awful if he said he wanted kids then left you all, but he's only going to keep hurting you all again.

Dont these men just go on to have more kids though? Most of them seem to

I agree with a pp that these men should he publicly shamed, its just disgusting that they can walk away without a care in the world. If anyone questions it they have a crazy ex who has turned the dc against them. Its utterly shit.

Hes been in and out and we don’t have one child I agree that applies when there is one child though I probably would feel less annoyed but he wasn’t a short relationship and an unplanned pregnancy that he didn’t want to be involved in.

Sorry op I wrote a long post and the tried to edit a typo on the word 'cope' and now it's wiped the entire pist.

Anyway suffice to say I was trying to say I hear you. I see you, its utterly shit and I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

I am deleting my post because I can see OP is really offended by it. Im not here to make anyone feel bad do I will bow out.