Boyfriend doesn't want to get our children together

[LonelyBored]

As the title says. He hasn't explicitly said that he doesn't want to, it's just that he doesn't ask to.

For context: been dating a few years, very very slow burn, didn't meet one another's children until after a year.

He's not great at the hands on dad thing. Previously when we have got together with them, my boyfriend has been more interested in his phone or his own needs.

One time we went to a leisure centre. Boyfriend spent 95% of the time alone in the adult spa area whilst I watched the kids.
I did bring this up afterwards and said it wasn't acceptable and was unfair.

Twice since then I asked to get together again with them and he totally ignored me. Just left the message on read and didn't respond.

I made it clear that I was again unhappy and wouldn't be asking again.

He doesn't ask. He doesn't seem to have any interest in integrating them. The kids do get on really well.

Think I am just struggling with WHY he doesn't want to get us all together?

I feel so lonely and bored of doing everything alone with my children. I genuinely thought when I met my boyfriend, that we would spend more time together as a big family, but instead I feel like he maybe just wanted a babysitter/nanny whilst he continued to do as he pleased.

It's really affecting my self-worth and making me doubt myself; I feel so hurt that he doesn't want to spend time with me/us.

Sorry op, but im not clear. Are the children his children as youndescribe them as "our children" then "my children" but then say hes only a boyfriend.

My first thought would be his children’s mother has said something against it, or he’s worried about her reaction, as are the children.

Ask yourself why it would so badly affect YOUR self-worth, rather than being a poor reflection on him.
Does he seem to be bothered about being a shit parent?

Why are you so keen to get your kids together when youve seen how he is with them, and with his own by themselves?

Find mum friends to hang out with en masse. It's awesome.

He's not great at the hands on dad thing. Previously when we have got together with them, my boyfriend has been more interested in his phone or his own needs.

having two offspring does not automatically make a man a great dad. He clearly isnt. Hes not interested in family life. He just wants a woman who does it. Do you live with him?

We each have children separately. When I said our children, i meant ' the collective children ' -sorry!!

No, we don't live together and no joint children.

Do you honestly think it’s a good idea to encourage a relationship between your boyfriend and his children? He sounds like an inattentive father and a selfish partner. Why would you want to bring someone like this into your kids’ lives?

I have met her a handful of times and all seems amicable. Which adds to my confusion.
She is remarried with younger children, so it's not even like she's a jealous ex

I'm sure he must have good qualities but he doesn't sound very appealling.

Spending so much time on his phone rather than spending it with his children and expecting you to do his parenting for him is actually very sad for his children. It makes it very understandable why he and his children's mother split up.

You seem to have an idealised view of what you woukd like to happen regarding you and him and both sets of children having good times together. It doesn't sound as though that will ever happen given his attitude to his own children.

Are you sure this relationship is the right one for you?

He sounds like a dick. It's a blessing that your kids haven't had the opportunity to get attached to him.

@LonelyBored May I ask how old you and your bf are? How many children have you got between you? And what are their ages?
I met my now husband when my kids were about 6 and 9, but DH didn't have any (at that point). One of the things I noticed when he did meet them was how great he was with them - I remember a huge water fight and him getting absolutely drenched which he took very well! 😀

I understand your hurt and confusion because I was dating a man like this, he didn’t want to do stuff together Even though I stressed how important it was for me. I think what’s the point of dating a man with kids if you can’t do the family stuff together, especially if the kids get on. You might have to chuck this one away and find someone better who does want the family set up. That is what I ended up doing.

Sounds like he’s got little interest in any kind of parenting. If you’re looking for a family man, I’d keep looking.

He's not great at the hands on dad thing. Previously when we have got together with them, my boyfriend has been more interested in his phone or his own needs.

For the love of god, why are you bothering with this man who is showing you very clearly he's a shit dad?

He's not going to be any better as a step dad.

You can't make him interested in family.

Do yourself and your dc a favour and split up with him.

So why exactly are you with him?'

Thank you.

I guess the crux of the matter is that there's no progression in our relationship.

Over time you expect things to become more intertwined, don't you.
Whereas it almost seems like there's a rift between us and I suspect it's because I made it clear I wasn't willing to babysit his children whilst he was off doing his own thing.

Maybe I needed to hear these responses. I feel like I've been tying myself in knots wondering why he doesn't want to spend time with us, but actually maybe it's because he then gets held accountable for his slack parenting.

Hmmm looks like the end is near then...

Well I guess I fell in love with him as a person, but now the cracks are showing because it's evident he's not wanting to step up to the mark as a presence in my children's lives, or have me in his children's lives either.

My father always gave brilliant advice and he often told me never ever date a man that is a bad father. Nothing good can come from it. I’d get out before you become attached to his children and stay for their sake.

was he ever a decent parent? What did you see of his adulting in the early days?

If he's not interested in his own kids, it's not likely he'll be interested in yours. Not quite sure why he bothered to have them if he wants to spend more time on his phone.
I would not be pushing this. For the sake of the kids, really. I know single parents can find it really lonely, as you say, but bringing this man into the equation isn't going to help.

It's unlikely that he is going to "step up" in your children's lives (your words) when he clearly isn't interested in doing so for his own kids. You've made him sound a lousy father so I'm not sure why you want or expect him to be a good one to yours.

Im confused as to why you are still dating him. Anyone that spends 95% of their time looking at a screen and not interacting with your kids/his kids (not sure which it was in your leisure centre example) isnt date worthy imho.

Then I don't see the point of everyone getting together really. Your bf isnt interested. Not everyone loves having to entertain kids even when they've got them. How old are they.

It was both our kids collectively at that time. But that was a few months ago now and since then we've only got them together for a couple of hours.

As i said..i suspect it's maybe because he realised I wasn't a woman that was going to tolerate him acting selfishly in mine and his children's presence and made it clear I shouldn't be expected to babysit them whilst he relaxed....

It's really affecting my self-worth and making me doubt myself; I feel so hurt that he doesn't want to spend time with me/us.

Just to be clear, OP - this is an inadequate man. It's not about you, or something lacking in you. It's him.

I bet him opting out of family life was a major reason the relationship with husband kids mum ended.

Some men are just ghostly presences and can't be arsed.