Boyfriend doesn't want to get our children together

[LonelyBored]

As the title says. He hasn't explicitly said that he doesn't want to, it's just that he doesn't ask to.

For context: been dating a few years, very very slow burn, didn't meet one another's children until after a year.

He's not great at the hands on dad thing. Previously when we have got together with them, my boyfriend has been more interested in his phone or his own needs.

One time we went to a leisure centre. Boyfriend spent 95% of the time alone in the adult spa area whilst I watched the kids.
I did bring this up afterwards and said it wasn't acceptable and was unfair.

Twice since then I asked to get together again with them and he totally ignored me. Just left the message on read and didn't respond.

I made it clear that I was again unhappy and wouldn't be asking again.

He doesn't ask. He doesn't seem to have any interest in integrating them. The kids do get on really well.

Think I am just struggling with WHY he doesn't want to get us all together?

I feel so lonely and bored of doing everything alone with my children. I genuinely thought when I met my boyfriend, that we would spend more time together as a big family, but instead I feel like he maybe just wanted a babysitter/nanny whilst he continued to do as he pleased.

It's really affecting my self-worth and making me doubt myself; I feel so hurt that he doesn't want to spend time with me/us.

His not husband.

What's the point of him?
Don't make your kids be around the man, it won't benefit them.
When a man shows you he is shit, believe him. Don't waste your time hoping he'll magically change.

You need to focus on why you would dream of continuing to see this loser when he showed you so comprehensively what a waster as a father he is.

Forget about him.
Focus on you.
Why would you find such an arsehole attractive and want him near your children.

Fxxk it, he doesn't want to be around his own children.

Wake up OP.

How old are his children? How old are yours?

What is it you're not getting? he is not interested in integrating the kids. He is not interested in fatherhood that much (probably part of why his relationship with previous partners didnt work), from what you describe, he's probably not that crazy about you either. This is why i get frustrated with us women. A man is telling you as ever so politely, 'this is how far, i'm willing to go', yet many don't get the message. Like @OP they keep pining and asking, 'But why...?' whilst continuing to be used more and more. Get out!

Collectively all 10-15yo. Thankfully not little little!

Another man looking for a nanny with a fanny scenario. How unnattractive.

Thank you.

I think I need to admit to myself that this is going nowhere really beyond a friends-with-benefits situation..which is not what I want at this point in my life, so looks like I need to be brave enough to end it.

Nanny with a fanny...! Sad but true

Are yours younger? I'd be off in the spa if I was in a water park with high school aged children. Maybe he doesn't want to meet with them as you have expectations of playing with them like they're young children but he has a more hands off approach.

Nanny with a fanny? The OPs issue is that the he doesn't want to bring his kids to spend time with OPs l,so who is she nannying for?

A bloke not engaging with his partner’s children is pretty poor IMO. A bloke not engaging with his own children is a pathetic excuse for an adult. He’s the issue here, and you for calling him on his poor behaviour early on is precisely why he doesn’t want to do anything with the children. Sounds very much like you deserve better OP.

His youngest has special needs, so despite their age they appear younger. Leaving them in a pool without an adult isn't an option and the fact he assumed I'd watch them whilst he relaxed was annoying - there was no conversation had about how he'd take 30 mins and then I could...he just disappeared into the spa and stayed there!!

And hands off is the correct term - I don't think I've ever see him be hands ON..!!

Just to add @OP you said the ages are between 10-15yrs. On paper that doesn't sound like a lot but in developmenet that is a huge age range depending on exactly what the ages of yours and his are. 15yrs olds (year 10), do not hang out with 10yr olds in (year 5!) it can work well (within limits) if the 2 are biological siblings but i can't see it working with non biological kids. @OP you'll be alright, call it a day on this one, don't think about the years spent 'investing' (that's a mistake) think about the glorious years ahead.

I know you’ve said your lonely op, but you need to understand for your own sake, that no man is billions of times better than an awful one who you will never change. You have described him as selfish, lazy and a shit father. So why on earth, when you discovered these traits, didn’t you end the relationship? Work on enjoying being alone, it’s gives one so much freedom to dump awful men as soon as they show their hand.

If you read my further posts, I suspect the reason he's not mixing much is because he assumed I'd watch his children whilst he relaxed.

So I think I was assumed to be a Nanny with a fanny and he's realised I'm not willing to be, so has distanced himself as much as possible.

As hard as it is, perhaps see if this man is right for you. You're right, it's normal over the years to blend as a family more. If I were in your shoes, I'd feel like being kept at arms length on some things and that would hurt. He certainly doesn't sound like dad material either.

Sounds like things have run their course.

Because he’s a dreadful parent who’s not that interested in his own children, far less yours? Which makes it doubly strange why you want him to ‘integrate’ with your children. His own children sound like vague, distantly, mildly anmoying presences to him. Yours are just noises off.

And in answer to your original question which was why doesn’t he want us all together?

because he doesn’t like kids. Even his own.

he doesn’t want to spend any time with him because it gets in the way of doing what he wants to do.

he had children because he wanted to have sex.

and he is so blindingly selfish, that even though they are here now and he should swallow his boredom for their sake, he still doesn’t.

he’s fucking awful op and it really shouldn’t be hard to dump him.

You say you fell in love with him - do you think you were mistaking lust for love? I'm wondering how on earth you could love a man who's neglectful of his own children and who uses you as a carer because he's too lazy and selfish to care for them himself. What is it that attracted you to this complete and utter loser?

Your boyfriend isn't interested in his own children, let alone yours! He's shown you that he's not interested in family life or being a 'hands on' Dad. He's more than happy to sit back and let you look after all the children, whilst he does as he wishes. He's not interested in integrating his children with yours... he's not interested in fatherhood.

The fact he was happy for you to look after his children, tells you exactly how life would be if you lived together. You'd not only be responsible for your children, but his as well. I suspect his disinterest and laziness is the reason why previous relationships have failed.

End the relationship OP, it's not going anywhere. If you don't, you'll be nothing but a 'nanny with a fanny'.

OP, if your friend told you she was dating a man who was 'not a hands on dad' (ie, a shit dad) what would you think of him? What would you think of her?

He sounds shit, do yourself and your children a favour and dump him.

I feel so lonely and bored of doing everything alone with my children. I genuinely thought when I met my boyfriend, that we would spend more time together as a big family

Why are you imagining he’ll want to play happy families with your children? He doesn’t even seem that keen on his own.