Boyfriend doesn't want to get our children together

[LonelyBored]

As the title says. He hasn't explicitly said that he doesn't want to, it's just that he doesn't ask to.

For context: been dating a few years, very very slow burn, didn't meet one another's children until after a year.

He's not great at the hands on dad thing. Previously when we have got together with them, my boyfriend has been more interested in his phone or his own needs.

One time we went to a leisure centre. Boyfriend spent 95% of the time alone in the adult spa area whilst I watched the kids.
I did bring this up afterwards and said it wasn't acceptable and was unfair.

Twice since then I asked to get together again with them and he totally ignored me. Just left the message on read and didn't respond.

I made it clear that I was again unhappy and wouldn't be asking again.

He doesn't ask. He doesn't seem to have any interest in integrating them. The kids do get on really well.

Think I am just struggling with WHY he doesn't want to get us all together?

I feel so lonely and bored of doing everything alone with my children. I genuinely thought when I met my boyfriend, that we would spend more time together as a big family, but instead I feel like he maybe just wanted a babysitter/nanny whilst he continued to do as he pleased.

It's really affecting my self-worth and making me doubt myself; I feel so hurt that he doesn't want to spend time with me/us.

He's not great at the hands on dad thing. Previously when we have got together with them, my boyfriend has been more interested in his phone or his own needs.
One time we went to a leisure centre. Boyfriend spent 95% of the time alone in the adult spa area whilst I watched the kids.
I did bring this up afterwards and said it wasn't acceptable and was unfair.

I made it clear I wasn't willing to babysit his children whilst he was off doing his own thing.

He's looking for a bangmaidnanny and since you made it clear you're not it, he uses you until he finds someone who will raise his kids for him.

He struck me as a Disney-Dad type. The mum is definitely the one doing all the hard graft day to day.
At times he has been quite selfish; things that if my children's Dad done, I would think he was a dick..!!

I don't want to spend time with my boyfriend of a couple of years with his children and mine either. I don't believe in involving our children. We are the adults. Blending doesn't work for the kids. If the relationship continues one day they'll have moved out.

What do you mean “only a boyfriend”?

You haven’t said one good thing about him so far. Are there any?

Yes of course there are.

I'm just struggling to understand why he doesn't want to spend more time together; thing is I have expressed this to him and he's said he does. So then I feel like I'm being gaslit, because there's lots of lip service and no action.

I'd actually find it easier if he said No I don't want to get together, I just want us to date and not mix children. But he hasn't said that, which is what makes it so confusing.

Interesting, thank you.

I presume this is in agreement with your boyfriend though and you're both on the same page?

Because he then gets held accountable for his slack parenting

Well, you did say the one time you tried it, he swanned off to the adults part and left you minding the kids.

If you had been happy with that , I’m sure he would have been prepared to continue. Instead, you very sensibly called him out.

surprise surprise he doesn’t want any repeat.

colour me surprised.

He doesn’t sound like a keeper.

And if he said no I don’t want to do that unless it means that all the parenting falls to you … I guess you would not be thrilled so he says nothing and leaves you to figure it out.

Once you see it from his point of view, there is no confusion. Sorry, I guess it’s not what you want it to be.

Actually from what you are saying here, it isn't a confusing situation at all. He is an indifferent dad and boyfriend. Thinks if all the kids are together it is an opportunity for him to goof off rather than help out. He clearly does not want what you want, and is not the person you'd like him to be.

I think the confusing bit to me is why you want to spend more time with him and his kids? You are pushing for something that is obviously not in your or your kid's best interests as it is unlikely to be sustainable - this relationship will implode with the weight of mismatched expectations sooner or later. He isn't going to change, question is whether you can see the writing on the wall and change things for yourself.

So in summary you’ve said he is a rubbish dad to his DC and doesn’t want to get all the kids together as that will mean he has to engage as you have made it clear you won’t do all the caring.

So now it’s up to you what you do with that information. Your choice seem to be to end it because it’s not what you want in a relationship or continue on seeing him but keep the kids separate. I don’t think his actions are confusing. I think you don’t seem to understand that he has no intention of changing and it’s up to you if you accept this or not.

I would not get involved with a shit disinterested Father.

When they've got together with them before he just sits on his phone or goes to the adult spa and leaves the OP with them but your first thought is that it's the childrens mothers fault?

I'm just struggling to understand why he doesn't want to spend more time together; thing is I have expressed this to him and he's said he does. So then I feel like I'm being gaslit, because there's lots of lip service and no action.

Believe mens actions. He's hardly going to say 'no thanks, I don't like kids, including my own. So if you want me to be around even more kids, they'll all be dumped on you, because you're a woman. But you've said you won't be nannying my kids, so wehhhh'

Shit fathers aren't for dating.

If he's lazy enough to not bother being present for his own kids, he's unlikely to be much use with yours either. If you're looking for a blended family, I'd look elsewhere!

Wanting to keep a relationship and the children you already have 'separate' isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Some people feel it isn't in their children's best interests to blend families . That isn't a red flag in itself. So if this was the only issue, it would be more a case of incompatibility- you want the blended family life and he doesn't.
But he sounds like a crap parent, leaving you to take care of his children when you did have a day out together. For that reason alone, I'd have lost interest in him.

If he’s not interested in his own kids, he definitely won’t be interested in yours…

But this is no reflection on you. It’s a reflection of a man who should have used protection if he wasn’t ready and willing to be a proper father.

Boyfriend does not imply serious relationship.

I have struggled with what to refer to him as. Initially I felt like boyfriend made me sound like a teenager! But then I thought partner or other half sounded like what you call someone you're cohabiting with, or very much 'doing life with'

Generally I just refer to him as his name. I wrote boyfriend for the purpose of this forum because.. well he's not my fiance or husband, so what does that leave?!

How often does he see his kids? How often do you see him? He sounds like ge could be seeing someone else because unless you both have lots of childcare I don't know how both your kids don't see each other more.

He sounds like a rubbish dad and I couldn't date a man like this.

He doesn’t sound like a very good dad to his own, so don’t let him anywhere near yours.
Why are you together? Not being rude, actually what do you like about him? Your children are your priority, he sounds much less important.

Quite simply, because when he has his children, we don't see one another.
I don't think there's anyone else.

My own children are occasionally with their Dad, mostly I am then at work on those days.

There have been times where me and boyfriend have only seen one another (childfree) for a couple of hours a fortnight due to work commitments.

But why would you want to date someone whose a crap dad? Doesnt that bother you?

He has checked out of fatherhood or never checked in. You are definitely not on the same page with this one. He seems to be a really poor excuse for a father that would put me off if I was you .

If you keep him in your life your children will look to him as an example of how adult males should behave. Would you be happy for them to parent like him, or choose a partner who acts like him?