To be completely sick sometimes of living in a completely ND household?

[MissCooCooMcgoo]

They are all so fucking SELFISH.

Everything centers around how they are thinking or feeling at all times.

I have a husband with late diagnosed adhd, and two sons waiting for the same assessment.

We have had a lot of turmoil over the last few years and I am starting to put my foot down somewhat and put boundaries in place, particularly with my husband and my eldest sometimes not in the best way, but I'm not perfect.

They do not like it one bit and I am so sick of being everyone's emotional support person. It's exhausting.

Yes, I can empathise with this actually.

The mental load is 100% mine and I could scream today.

I have to actively delegate if I need my husband to do anything and then manage it through to completion.

There is never a break and it's exhausting.

It sounds very overwhelming. Are your sons young? Does your husband have strategies in place and know how important they are in order to be a present partner & father? Apologies if my terminology is a bit clumsy.

Yes. I get it.

Regularly. And I'm one of the ND ones.

I often say to my kids, a diagnosis explains why some things might be harder for you. It does not excuse you from doing those things.

And i find it hard too! There are things i really, really struggle with due to asd/adhd. But ultimately as the grown up in this house (single parent) I have to step up and do the stuff. And your DH should too!

I regularly get overwhelmed by being the one 'in charge' all the time, so sympathise with that too. It isn't easy.
I get why I'm like this and I get why my kids are like this... still not easy!

Do you ever get a break from it all?

Without giving too much outing information.

He's out of work at the moment. Had a big life changing breakdown which initiated the investigation into his ND.

He used to have ways of dealing with and getting stuff done but all thats gone out the window, I think he was heavily masking day in and day out. His executive dysfunction is incredibly low currently.

He's having to relearn all about himself and thats not easy.

However there's no appreciation for it being hard for me too whilst hes dropped tools. I understand, but it's still hard.

That sounds really tough OP. I assume you had no clue your DH was like this earlier on/pre children? I know its not for everyone, but when he was diagnosed, was the option to trial medication suggested? Would he consider it? Do you have any break time yourself- yoga, fitness, art club, walk in the park?

Sounds exhausting op...

No, unless I get called away for work.

Sometimes this happens and I extend my stay by a night otherwise im just responsible at work instead of responsible at home, whilst also getting stressy phone calls and messages from home.

Consistency is a real problem at the minute. I asked for us to use a scoring system to support each other (so tell each other how much bandwidth we have in % morning and afternoon and we each agree on how we are going to fill the remaining % if our numbers don't add up to 100) however when I ask currently I just get "oh I don't know, I'm no good at numbers" 😬

He's on a waiting list. Could be up to a year between diagnosis and medication.

I did suspect pre children and marriage but I think he masked quite heavily.

Has anyone else had a positive experience with a partner getting meds?

This is a definite sort your own oxygen mask situation @MissCooCooMcgoo YOU are just as important as the rest of your family, how would they cope if you were suddenly hospitalised? Unless your dh is a risk to himself or to the dc, absolutely take yourself away for time to decompress.
make him take on some responsibility.
(am very aware this is likely get shot down in absolute horror by some!)

I'm trying, but thats what's causing friction (with everyone not just DH) at the moment.

I try to pull away a bit, they get clingier.

DH is capable when I'm not here (as in everyone would be safe, nutritionally rounded and clean clothed another matter 😂) so it's not that I don't feel comfortable leaving them. It's more that they all fall out and get stressed and upset and i don't like leaving them knowing they will all be unhappy.

Yeah, I would not tolerate this.

My husband has been though similar and he has been nothing but apologetic and grateful for the extra load I'm carrying and is actively trying to get sorted out with meds etc. Prioritises doing things he finds manageable that gives me a break e.g. he does more bedtimes so that I can take time out to have a long bath once a week and a host of other things that he finds "easier" that I find hard.

Because he takes some of the load off me, I have enough energy to help him re implement coping strategies e.g. it really helps him to get out and walk the dog so we do that together at lunchtime when I'm working from home as well as me walking her in the morning. If I was sitting there with resentment festering then I know I wouldn't have the energy for "encouraging" him to do that.

I can really sympathise with you. I am one of three ND adults in our household and carer for my adult son. I often feel when I am functioning well, the household feels well oiled, but there was an extended period of time when I was really ill and the wheels came off. As others have said it is the mental load which is difficult to manage.

Yanbu, am an NT in a family of autistic people. Their needs regularly clash and their fixed thinking means it all gets entrenched super quickly. Things can go off the rails about a tiny decision because nobody can be flexible.

The other thing that’s so hard is when their sensory needs are opposite. One needs to stim and the other one needs quiet. One needs touch and the other one hates touch. There’s just so much whinging it’s unreal.

I am tired of being the only person who knows how to look for things.

Hahaha i'm sorry this made me laugh. I so, so feel you.

For a week now my hairbrush has been going missing in the morning because eldest DS can't find his and it's absolutely 100% not anywhere in his room, hes looked everywhere.

Yesterday morning I went in his shithole.of a room, picked up the first t-shirt I saw on the floor and guess what I found.

Yes this! They all set each other off and then look to me to regulate. It's exhausting.

Exactly, it's not exclusively an ND thing, it's obviously personality if your husband can be like that.

At no point have I said he isn't grateful. He absolutely is, when he remembers it's not all about him.

He does the things he can manage eg he is responsible for washing up each evening, hanging out and bringing in laundry and putting the kids to bed. He also walks youngest to school in the mornings.

However it's me who works out what's for dinner and shops for and cooks it. Me who remembers clothes need washing and actually puts them in the machine and turns it on.

I have recently delegated booking in kids activities and taking them to and from. However nobody else remembers they need clean kit and theyve only managed once a week since delegated rather than the twice a week we pay for (and can't really afford)

All compounded by the fact it's not just them I'm dealing with. I have other responsibilities.

Work, being the only money earner.
Caring for my very elderly grandad
Attempting to execute my Mums estate
Grief

All whilst trying to deal with their feelings and emotions as well as my own.

It gets to be too much.

Go away for a weekend and let them be unhappy.
You can't pour from an empty cup.

I have a friend in a similar position to you, except her kids are grown up and gone

It's getting quite hard not to say to her "just get divorced already". I'm not going to link up being ND or NT or anything like that. I just think it's an untenable situation. Being responsible 100% for someone else on a practical level it's just totally unfair

The spouse is weaponising the ND thing though in reality some people will always find something to weaponise and will always find a reason to say "it's your job to look after me".

Wait, you're the only earner?

Also the grateful thing, yeah that gets weaponised too sometimes I wise when I see it.

Indeed. ADHD or not, OP's family appears to be taking advantage. It's not sustainable.