To be completely sick sometimes of living in a completely ND household?

[MissCooCooMcgoo]

They are all so fucking SELFISH.

Everything centers around how they are thinking or feeling at all times.

I have a husband with late diagnosed adhd, and two sons waiting for the same assessment.

We have had a lot of turmoil over the last few years and I am starting to put my foot down somewhat and put boundaries in place, particularly with my husband and my eldest sometimes not in the best way, but I'm not perfect.

They do not like it one bit and I am so sick of being everyone's emotional support person. It's exhausting.

Thanks so much to everyone who replied to my original post—your advice and validation meant a lot, even if I haven't had the headspace to reply to everyone individually.
I’m updating because we’ve had another situation today that just takes the fucking biscuit and I’m at my absolute wit’s end.

DH was supposed to take my Grandad for a haircut this morning. The hairdresser opened up specially as a favour just for Grandad.

DH took the kids with him since it’s the summer holidays and I'm working.

It descended into chaos. DH hit his limit. But instead of taking a breath or just waiting, he completely bailed on the appointment and came home.

When I dared to be annoyed, the immediate response was to dump the entire blame on me. I’ve had texts telling me it’s my fault because of "bad directions," that he only left because I said "ok," and now he’s hit me with "Fine, do it yourself then in future if its so easy."

His world is getting smaller and smaller because he refuses to actively manage his conditions, and every time he steps back, the burden just gets dumped directly onto me.

I am so tired of having to walk on eggshells, jump through emotional hoops, and play the managing adult for another 40-something adult.

I don't want to leave my marriage, but I genuinely feel like I can't keep living like this anymore. How do you get a partner with severe RSD to see that having conditions doesn't mean you get to abandon basic responsibilities and force your wife to absorb the entire impact?

I feel you, I seem to have triggered my DH RSD due to an off hand comment about me wanting to have some boundaries around a certain decision. Then he was moody for the best part of two days. I just find it so hard to have sympathy, which he seems to expect, but I didn’t do anything wrong. Solidarity, basically!

That sounds so hard OP. Sending you sympathies, I am in a ND family - combo of ASD and ADHD (and am late diagnosed ADHD myself) and it is fucking hard.

The focus has always been on my ASD sibling (before we were diagnosed ADHD) - no matter how hard for us, we had to allow her to be truly herself, be flexible, don't take it personally etc. It's fucking shit for the relatives to be around selfish, difficult, rigid people. You end up becoming a people pleaser and receiving waves of hostility and insults just to smooth over difficult interactions and keep the peace.

I've recently learned that you do NOT have to do this. Since being diagnosed ADHD I have started standing up to my AuDHD/ASD siblings, and whilst it's been initially unpleasant, actually we've reached a happier balance because I'm not resentful and pissed off the whole time.

But that relies on your DH being a reasonable enough person to accept that fundamental concept - that you deserve respect and your own boundaries too.

Also re: RSD, yes, it's real - I have it. However, similarly just because it exists shouldn't mean it dictates everything. You ought to be able to have conversations with your DH where you both acknowledge 'this is going to trigger your RSD so it will feel unpleasant, but I'm telling you now I love you and xyz'...

He needs to put the work in his side, and practise taking those emotional hits of RSD. He can learn to live with all this stuff and not let it take over his entire being. It's not fair to expect you to just go along with him exactly as he is, and have everything his way, and not be willing to do any hard work at all.

Also to add @MissCooCooMcgoo - people with ASD show very black and white thinking. Maybe you could try being black and white back.

Sounds silly but I had a chat with ChatGPT about how to stand up to my ASD sister - and it really helped. It gave me some phrases.

'He needs to put the work in his side, and practise taking those emotional hits of RSD. He can learn to live with all this stuff and not let it take over his entire being. It's not fair to expect you to just go along with him exactly as he is, and have everything his way, and not be willing to do any hard work at all.'

This 100%. If he chooses to blame RSD without taking any steps to change, there is nothing you can do.

He’s turned into his mummy - I suspect he’s done this slowly over many years. You don’t feel like you can say/do anything about it because he has ADHD and because he tried to end his life.

I’d honestly try to get him some therapy and then leave him in the new year if things haven’t improved dramatically. I wouldn’t want to be a mum to a grown man, I’d want t an equal partner. Yeah, that probably is selfish but you only get one life. You’ve already got the kids to look after and your granddad too.

You need to be taken care of too. When you’ve had a stressful day at work, you need to know you’re coming home to a clean house with a home cooked meal ready for you and a husband there to listen to you rant about Linda and Kevin from work, not walking into more chaos that everyone assumes you’ll sort out.

He’s not setting a good example to the kids. Like pp have said, ADHD is an explanation, not an excuse.

I know he’s had a breakdown and has been through a difficult time but actually so are you. If you’re not careful, you’ll end up having a breakdown yourself.

I have ADHD, also late diagnosed. But I’m a woman and a single parent so I’ve had to work hard on myself figuring out coping strategies and how to manage everything because if I don’t, no one else will pick up the pieces for me.

It is shit having to manage ADHD but we all have our cross to bear. It’s my responsibility as an adult to find out what works and doesn’t work for me, to find adaptations I can make so I can still function and do all the things I need to. There’s loads of books, podcasts, and YouTube videos on how to do all this - your husband could find them all with a simple google search. I suspect he’ll leave it to you to find and then nag him into looking at them.

I used to have severe RSD- haven't had what I call an "episode" in a few years now, whereas I used to spiral from it at the drop of a hat. I wasn't on ADHD medication at the time and the thing that really helped me was Dialectical Behavioural Therapy. It wasn't instant, far from it, but it helped me to manage my feelings in a way I'd never been able to before.

I'm now several years on and have regular "maintenance" counselling, which now is just a place to talk through recent events in my life and ensure I'm processing my emotions healthily. It's been life-changing not only for me but also the people around me, I really would recommend it if that's a possibility for your DH.

Update / Follow up on this because I am honestly just at breaking point now.
Things have gone completely off the rails over the last couple of weeks and I just need to vent / get some perspective from people who understand.

DH and I had a massive row earlier today. I’ve reached a point where I cannot even bring up how exhausted I am without him completely exploding or throwing a strop.

He suggested going for a walk, DS1 pissed me off before we even got out, and because I was stressed he took it as a personal attack, threw a massive toddler strop and got out of the car.

When I called him out on his overreaction, I got a massive wall of text about how "unwell" he is, how he’s doing 20+ hour courses on regulation, how he took himself out of the situation, and how I am the reactive one who "bottles things up" and attacks him.

He constantly says he’s trying, but the reality is I literally CANNOT speak to him or express a single emotion without him going completely on the defensive, telling me I’m attacking him, blaming it on his ADHD, or bringing up stuff from the past.

So I’ve just stopped talking. I’ve checked out. I’m on my phone scrolling constantly just to escape my own life, and then he complains that I’m ignoring him or just grunting/nodding at him. He calls it ignoring; I call it basic survival and escapism because everyone needs something from me 24/7.

When my mum died suddenly back in March. We had a complex/difficult relationship, so my grief is a total messy nightmare. But instead of getting any empathy or support from DH, he had a full-scale meltdown over photos I put up of her, claiming I was building a "shrine to a horrible woman." I had to manage his emotional breakdown while grieving my own mother.

And now, because Mum passed, I’m the sole caregiver for my 97-year-old granddad who is extremely needy. No external support, no break, just me doing everything. The last time DH tried to "help" with granddad, he had a complete meltdown and blamed me for "giving poor directions." So now I do it all alone because it’s easier than dealing with his fallout.

To top it all off, he’s constantly groping at me and physically clinging to me while looking like he’s about to burst into tears—using me like a human security blanket to soothe his own anxiety—and then acts completely bewildered as to why I have zero sex drive and recoil from him. I feel like a mother to a grown man, not a wife.
I’m finding myself caring less and less by the day, and honestly, that indifference is terrifying me. I feel completely numb, utterly isolated, and I don't even know where I go from here. Has anyone else ever reached this absolute wall of apathy? How do you even begin to untangle yourself when you're carrying the entire world on your back?

You don’t have to live with him, nothing will change if you stay.

I lost my Dad 3 years ago, and that first year of grief was so raw and painful that I struggled to manage anything else. Gently, OP, you are putting everyone and everything before yourself and your own needs and before long, you'll crack. Then you will all be in the absolute shit.

Self preservation should move to the top of your to do list here.

At the very least, you need a separate room so you can get some space. RSD or not.

Me too

I honestly feel like utter dog shit today. I've had a headache for a solid 4 days.

I’m nd, and he comes across as a selfish arsehole using it as a get out of jail free card.
As a minuscule example, I know I can never just put my keys down in the way dp can, and never could. They either go in their place or I’d never find them. I see this as my responsibility, not dp’s, let alone anything major.
Hell yes, I expect dp not to move the keys, but it’s my responsibility to have that mechanism in the first place, not his problem to find them. And the same goes even more so for more important matters, including his feelings.

If you keep going on like this you'll end up getting seriously ill.

This isn't working, time to get some time and space for yourself. It would appear you didn't even grieve properly for your mother, difficult relationship or no.

When you said, in not so many words, that looking after yourself would be a cruelty to your other half, I felt lost for words. You aren't looking after yourself and making sure you're well enough to perform a caring role at home, which is what it sounds like your role at home is. You're allowing yourself to be completely consumed by others in your home and then, unwittingly, crumbling after a sustained period of it. It's not cruelty to look after yourself.

God I'm so sorry you've lost your mum recently. Learning that, honestly, he should be looking after YOU right now, and putting himself second - that first year of grief is absolutely rough even without all the other shit going on. So sorry you've got a self-centred arse of a husband.

First thing, I think you absolutely have to push for a separate room. So what if he finds it painful - it sounds like if you don't get a bit of space, you are going to divorce and break up anyway because you're going mad - so really, a separate room to sleep in is the smallest thing you can do for yourself.

Could you blame it on grief and insomnia? If he challenges that and makes it about him when you link it to losing your mum... that tells you a lot.

If he's going to behave like a child maybe you have to spell things out to him like a child. He has had a bit of a shock - but he remains an adult. Nobody else is responsible for him and his feelings, neurodivergence or no. You are not to blame for anything he feels or does, and if he continues to behave like that, it will be the end.

I used to quite like the phrase 'your feelings are real, to you, but they are not facts, and they are not down to me to manage'.

Sending you all the sympathy.