To be completely sick sometimes of living in a completely ND household?

[MissCooCooMcgoo]

They are all so fucking SELFISH.

Everything centers around how they are thinking or feeling at all times.

I have a husband with late diagnosed adhd, and two sons waiting for the same assessment.

We have had a lot of turmoil over the last few years and I am starting to put my foot down somewhat and put boundaries in place, particularly with my husband and my eldest sometimes not in the best way, but I'm not perfect.

They do not like it one bit and I am so sick of being everyone's emotional support person. It's exhausting.

Sending sympathy. But neurodiversity isn’t a get out of jail card. One of my favourite catch phrases at home is "it's not all about you" but people don't seem to listen. My situation is different in the sense l am ND, 1 of my children is clearly ND and the jury is out on the other one. My husband is NT but can't plan, organise or strategize well. "Magically" l keep the show on the road. "Magically" l can find things. Despite the fact my families chewing and slurping makes me murderous daily. It's so so infuriating. My coping strategies are being super boundaried -or l end up doing 95% of stuff that needs to be done. Plus at regular intervals venting / losing my shit at my husband. I routinely say "lm the one with the diagnosis but why is it always MY problem to do X". My wider family are no better and try to get me to be the solver / doer of so much stuff. No surprises l have other health conditions e.g. fibromyalgia

But yeah who ever suggested own bedroom then l have found it helpful. Just to get away from being around people and have my own space

No, I see doing something deliberately that I know will cause my DH real distress as cruelty.

At some point you need to accept that you are not responsible for their happiness, and that it's not possible for everyone to be happy all the time. Kids argue, let them get on with it unless they are getting violent. It's actually practicing and learning a conflict resolution skill and they won't have hou to do it for them at work etc. If they miss their kit for sports they can do it in clothes, or learning that there are consequences.

Your husband can look after them if you let him. He doesn't seem to be trying to avoid it, so you are actively making your life harder by usually refusing. They will all let you carry on doing everything, but will also manage if you let go a bit.

Believe me I get it. I also live in an nd household and it can be wildly infuriating! I am not having a go, this is said with the hope that it helps you.

Do you mean that you needing space for yourself is likely to cause DH real distress?

If you’d love your own room then (with RSD and adhd hypervigilence) he is likely to already feel this and at an unconscious level he may be already responding to it.

Written checklists have made a huge difference. Daily, weekly, monthly. The things that are repetitive like tidying, laundry, cooking. On the fridge and on bedroom doors. That hands over the mental load for those bits, and the managing to completion is cut down to forcing the household to work through the list at set times each day. (Keeping it all to a minimum because NO ONE ENJOYS IT least of all me! Pick your battles!) Using a timer to prove it actually doesn't take that long even though it feels like HOURS. E.g. 20 mins tidy, everyone does it at the same time, use the checklist as their guide in what to do in the 20 mins, then STOP for the day.

We made the decision to give up on nightly cooking from scratch. It is a complete waste of time in this scenario. Think 2-weekly batch cooking and using the freezer. We have around 50 tupperware boxes and fill them on a Sunday with a slow cooker spag bol or chili when we can be bothered. A lot of beige freezer food for the kids too. Frozen bags of veg that can be microwaved or steamed. Micro rice. Every convenience we can think of to save time and effort. Air fryer and microwave all the way. Repetitive meals that people will actually eat.

Yes. RSD is a real thing.

The thing is, with nd it is going to be difficult and uncomfortable, but people have to keep pushing on. You have to keep trying and working at managing it. I live in a nd household and magically it's me, with autism AND adhd, who's the one that keeps things going. I am hardworking, stoic and dogged though. The others, not so much and let themselves off the hook without putting much effort in.

Nd people won't break if they're pushed somewhat. They can do stuff.

At the risk of sounding ignorant- what is RSD?

As an AuDHD woman with AuDHD daughters, I think what you’re facing is male entitlement not ADHD/ND

I'm ND.

There is an issue, IMO, with online ND groups constantly pushing the narrative that others should always make accommodations for those who are ND - there is seldom any acknowledgement that this constant expectation is to the detriment of others.

Consistency is a real problem at the minute. I asked for us to use a scoring system to support each other (so tell each other how much bandwidth we have in % morning and afternoon and we each agree on how we are going to fill the remaining % if our numbers don't add up to 100) however when I ask currently I just get "oh I don't know, I'm no good at numbers" 😬

Sorry but that makes no sense. It’s just like the NT pain scale that I have never been able to wrap my head around. You can’t apply an objective marker to a subjective and fluctuating state.

Rejection sensitive dysphoria.

I was going to say this, but thought it would be insensitive as I am not ND.
But now that you have...

100% agree with this and lm also ND.

"online ND groups constantly pushing the narrative that others should always make accommodations for those who are ND"

Yes, but only for ND males.

ND women don't get such reflexive accommodations.

The best treatment for ND burnout leading to suicide attempt(s) is low demand recovery. Delegating and adding demands will prevent recovery and perhaps cause more suicide attempts.

OP, you should consider simplifying life. Like stop the organised kid activities you said you can’t afford and everyone is to stressed to attend or enjoy or benefit from.

frustrating isn’t it.

Come to think of it, it does seem to centre on males.

I'm seeing increasing numbers of young female nd's who're pushing heavily for accommodations and leaning into their nd, without accepting that life is going to be hard and that they need to challenge themselves. Males just let themselves off the hook like they always do. Some nd people are giving us a bad name though. It's getting uncomfortable because then nt people believe we're all useless and this simply isn't true. It's affecting parenting as well.

I'm holding up my hands here: so-called executive function [ETA or lack of it] is probably my biggest issue. I'm making the point that I'm well aware that I need to take the beam out of my eye first, but I'm seeing more and more online of people who can cope perfectly well with posting on the internet turning round and saying that it's not their fault that they can't get organised and then expecting the rest of their household to do it for them.

I recall that (when I still did a bit of supply teaching) I was covering a class where a 13 yr old boy would sharpen pencils purloined from other rooms and then aimed them at my legs.

When I complained to the depute, I was told "Ah, but he's on the spectrum and has ADHD..."

As I told staff once children were out of earshot, big deal - so have I!

Your needs are real too.

Finally, the kids have broken up. That's one less source of stress and friction for 5 weeks.

im dreading having mine home all the time. They bicker endlessly when not on screens.