To be completely sick sometimes of living in a completely ND household?

[MissCooCooMcgoo]

They are all so fucking SELFISH.

Everything centers around how they are thinking or feeling at all times.

I have a husband with late diagnosed adhd, and two sons waiting for the same assessment.

We have had a lot of turmoil over the last few years and I am starting to put my foot down somewhat and put boundaries in place, particularly with my husband and my eldest sometimes not in the best way, but I'm not perfect.

They do not like it one bit and I am so sick of being everyone's emotional support person. It's exhausting.

I didn't actually say he had been ungrateful, I said my husband was grateful.

But you also literally said in the post I quoted "there's no appreciation for it being hard for me too whilst he's dropped tools" - that's pretty ungrateful in my mind.

Honestly I don't think your problem is that your husband is ND, it's that he's a bit of a prat who doesn't appreciate you enough.

I get it and interestingly as neurodiversity becomes better understood my DH seems to be very much of the “it’s not my fault as I’ve got ADHD” opinion rather than considering strategies or medication or anything. It seems that anything that falls under that category is now my responsibility whereas I know as a single person he managed these things.
Also the general chaos of his life is very anxiety provoking and does not help the predictability that our ND children need but that’s also my responsibility it would seem

Yes. I am the only earner. DH is not working due to having a very serious breakdown. He tried to kill himself.

I'm sorry to hear that. I really am.

Something sustainable has to be worked out though

With my friend, there has been an element of learning how to manage things like keeping track of keys and dates and so on and that's because there's been some willingness

I think it's probably more to do with being an arse than ADHD, but in your situation and you judge that

I am sorry to hear that too.
I still think your DH should help more.
At least get a meal on the table..Or do the washing.
I don't think that is beyond him.

Do your DH is extremely mentally unwell? TBH, going on about bandwidth numbers isn’t going to go anywhere at the moment. He’s trying to stay alive, not focus on taking the Dc to a club!
Forget about the ADHD diagnosis, youre focussing on the wrong thing. Your household will benefit from a whole shift of organisation. Time spent putting a routine in place for all situations - shopping, laundry, cleaning, childcare etc - will be time well spent because at the moment your family is lurching from day to day in a fog. Your DH will not heal whilst this fog is surrounding the family. You wouldn’t expect him to run a marathon with a broken leg!

(Late diagnosed ND here)

It’s very hard to distinguish being a dick/unreasonable from ND at times. especially if your DH has a had a major health scare, your kids may be reacting to the uncertainty around that, which is compounded by ND, not part of it. It is okay to put boundaries in, and okay to have minimum standards of what you can and can’t tolerate/cope with.

'I often say to my kids, a diagnosis explains why some things might be harder for you. It does not excuse you from doing those things'

This is one if the best quotes I've seen on MN.

OP, look after yourself, and prioritize it now. How old are your DS's? Is your husband getting mental health support or planning to? Were there problems before this crisis?You've so much on your plate to juggle right now. With summer holidays, and everyone around at home, is there more space for you to go away - even for a day? Yes you are allowed to have boundaries, and it's a good thing to have them.

It sounds like you're running on fumes tbh.

What can you drop - even if only short term - to give you a breathing space? Ready meal for dinner once a week? Something's got to give.

So your husband isn’t official diagnosed, has he just decided this himself whilst waiting for diagnoses and meds? Being ND does not mean you are selfish , maybe overwhelmed. Sounds like everyone needs to slow down abit if overwhelmed all the time. I am the only officially diagnosed one in my family and I have to regulate for everyone all the time, it’s draining but I am hyper aware of it. Honestly just step back and let them work things out themselves, they need to learn to regulate themselves by them self.

Yes he is officially diagnosed. He is on a waiting list now for trialing medication.

He is not as unwell as he was in February 2025. He is also trying a new medication for depression and anxiety, which is helping greatly with that but seems to be adding fuel to the fire with his adhd.

He absolutely is seeking help for himself.

@SecondCoffee8

Were there problems before this crisis? yes but different ones. More to do with him shutting himself off from us all, physically and emotionally and masking at work hard.

Yes I am the project manager in this house. Its exhausting. And then I get accusations that I am bossy/controlling, acting like a manager.

Well yes. Because you need to be managed through everything

Never ending project management is a good way to put it.

A project where you never get beyond MVP and have bugs daily, never something you can plan for and anticipate.

That’s good, to be honest i had been diagnosed with anxiety and depression for about 10 years prior but I kept telling the doctor I don’t feel depressed. Anti depressants or anti anxiety medication didn’t work, the only thing that has helped is adhd medication. I no longer have that crippling anxiety just normal anxiety levels. Hope he gets the medication soon, it was life changing for me.

Slightly better day today.

I feel less stressed and grumpy, but I have come down with a bloody cold!

He's been back to the doctors today as his new medication was due a review and we read last night it can potentially make adhd symptoms worse. This may explain a few things.

It doesnt fix the general dynamic though. Still tiring. He's offered (and booked) to take the terrors camping for a couple of nights in a few weeks. They all love that so I will get a bit of a break left at home, though I still have to work.

That’s great news, things feel abit lighter.

great he is taking the kids away for a couple
of nights, defo get something planned for just you that you enjoy.

there are certain anti depressants that are used for treating adhd so maybe he should ask for those whilst waiting for stimulant medication. Has he also been on the nhs adult adhd course, found this super helpful.

here are the course notes https://adhd.webador.co.uk/

Hi OP.

I sympathise. I suspect my family are ND, possibly myself too.

Tips from me:

1. Work at walking out of fall outs between people - it is not up to you to smooth everything over, that is exhausting.Yiu can coach your OH after the fall out if it doesn't go well.

1. Go to bed early and have your own room, so you can get some real rest.

1. Have some time to yourself everyday, perhaps get up early for this. During this time you can do what brings you calm or happiness. I journal, drink coffee and exercise.

I hope it all improves for you. Be kind to yourself.

Oh my god the RSD fallout if I tried ro have my own room 😂

I'd love that but it's not worth it. As far as DH would be concerned he'd think our marriage was over.

That sounds tiring and I think building in some time for yourself or the odd weekend away may help.

But what about you. What about what you want. Are you going to spend the rest of your life putting yourself last?

There are certain things that are lines in the sand. Why would I do that to him by choice? That's just cruel.

@MissCooCooMcgoo Falling out with each other and getting stressed and upset isn't going to damage them. As a PP said, without your constant intervention they will learn to regulate themselves, or at least cope somewhat better. I know it's hard to let them struggle, but if you carry on supervising them this closely nearly all the time, you'll burn out and get ill.

You have an awful lot on your shoulders. Some of it's unavoidable and some isn't - I'd put management of family squabbling in the latter category.

The challenge is not feeling guilty about "looking after" them a bit less closely, because it seems to me that you truly feel that you have to protect them from minor problems with their relationships with each other. I honestly think they'd survive.

I do feel like that yes. There was a lot of shouting in my own childhood home and I struggle to cope with it.

@MissCooCooMcgoo You are 100% correct, selfishness and the inability to take any form of responsibility are some of the worst traits a human can possess, the problem is that when you have family members that are ND you are expected to put up with it because you love them. And that’s pretty much how it is.

It’s extremely difficult but you have to constantly remind yourself that it’s not their fault, god made them that way (i’m not religious but you catch my drift) they can’t control it, it doesn’t make it any easier i know but try to focus more on their good points, if they don’t have any then i really feel for you. I live with this daily like you do but i resigned to the fact i don’t have a choice so i just make the best of a frustrating situation, every day is groundhog day! I feel your pain, i’m sorry.

'Oh my god the RSD fallout if I tried ro have my own room 😂
I'd love that but it's not worth it. As far as DH would be concerned he'd think our marriage was over.'

Different strokes etc. I was always aware of not wanting to end up in a relationship where the other person's moods dictated my choices (I grew up in ND household). It's also interesting you see self care as cruelty, while the opening post is about others being selfish.