What would you do in my situation!!

[Grumpynewmum23]

Just needing advice really about what you would do in my situation as I am on my last straw, very run down as a result of my marriage and genuinely at a cross roads and my husband seems oblivious!

For general life context, we have been married 11 years. My husband is good looking, well respected in a full time professional job, plays semi professional sport outside of work, very social, lots of friends and likes to be busy. He is helpful at his sports clubs and helps with youth fixtures etc. His working hrs are often about 7.30-5.30pm. Sport taking up about 3/4 evenings a week, all day Saturday every weekend all year round from about 10am to 7/8pm. He's very committed, won't miss a game for e.g. family holidays/weddings etc.
I am in a professional role too working four days a week, and as he is never there really during waking hours (except Sundays), I do the overwhelming majority of everything else and childcare.
We have 2 small children, 1 year and 3 years.

He provides financial for all of us and it means we don't generally need to worry about money (not mega money but we live in a 3 bed semi, which we brought when we were young and the mortgage is quite cheap compared to our salaries).

On the face of it, it kind of works, except me never really getting a break, and him being almost pathologically busy.
My main problem though, is when he is at home, he is not loving or affectionate. If I was to try and give him a kiss or have sex etc he will brush me off and reject it. For reference without sounding annoying, I am generally regarded as pretty, and I look after myself well - people often comment on both my appearance and personality. I'm not sure why but it happens.
This refusal to be affectionate started around 9 years ago when I had a carcinoma removed (I was about 21) and it really freaked him out, and I had suspicion at the time he might have cheated but no evidence and he point blank refused. I'm not sure why I have tolerated it for so long but I think I almost blamed myself and really internalised how stressful it was for him.
My other gripe is he just doesn't engage well with our children, like to the point he has never looked after them by himself EVER for more than an hr. If it is over an hr he gets his parents round to help him. When one of our kids was sick and he was supposed to stay with him when I went to work, he packed them off to grandparents and went and got a coffee and did some work instead.
Lastly, there are too many to list but there are so many constants which don't feel hug and aren't like phsycailly abusive or anything but to be honest for me have caused major resentment. E.g. naming our son whilst I was unconscious after giving birth to him despite me saying I wanted to wait, going out the next day after we got home from the hospital (with both kids after they were born), leaving me when I was heavily pregnant and ill with an ill toddler to go out drinking despite me begging him to stay, drinking and throwing up all over our toddlers bed on first day of the holidays, whenever we've had to take a child to hospital he just texts or calls hope they're OK, and carries on with his life (bar about 2 occasions where it was life threatening), when I had sepsis from mastitis wouldn't leave work to look after the baby so I could rest in hospital meaning the nurses had to, when I was in bed after being discharged from hospital after said sepsis only looked after the baby for 12 minutes out of the whole day whilst I tried to shower and although he was supposed to be spending the day helping me again went out the gym for a coffee etc. There's many, many, many more things but I could go on all day.

He basically never shows up for us when we need him to.

Last weekend I had an honest chat with him and said I feel like I've given up on him to show up for us, and also to be affectionate. I've tried for such a long time and I just cannot any more. He sulked for an hour, said that made him feel shit and refused to eat tea and then an hr later carried on as normal. This week he has continued his normal schedule.
Part of me thinks I could handle the busyness if he was madly in love with me, affectionate, an engaged enthusiastic father and was really caring whilst he is here but he is not.

I feel like I might know my answer deep down but I would like advice on what you would do, what would your next steps be, how would you approach any further conversations.

@Grumpynewmum23

I'd say in the vast majority of breakups, it is the piling up of 'the little things' rather than one big 'event' that causes one to take action. You know the saying about the straw that broke the camel's back? Yeah, that's a saying for a damn good reason!

Legal advice first, absolutely!!! You want to know where you stand and be able to approach the conversation from a place of knowledge. Otherwise you risk being confused or frightened if he makes financial 'threats' or tries to bamboozle you into agreeing to something not in your best interests.

So first, create a basic financial 'picture'; income for both of you, household expenses, all assets (joint and individual), details on mortgage & deeds or rental contract. Don't forget to include any benefits you receive. This is for two reasons; you will show this to the solicitor to help them answer your questions AND so you can determine what your income and 'budget' should be.

Second, think about what you'd like in terms of child arrangements. 50/50? EOW? Something else? No guarantee you'll get what you want, but it's a good idea to know what that is.

Now you're ready to see that solicitor. You'll show them that picture and ask them what you might expect as far as a financial settlement and child maintenance. If you own a home, ask them the options wrt that home; sell and divide profit or one buys the other out. Ask also about child access and what is 'usual' in your area.

Once you've done the above, that will be the time to have 'the talk'. 'Knowledge is power' and you will have the knowledge you need to say what you need to say. Here's one thing to remember too, anyone can leave any relationship for any reason. You don't have to convince him of anything. That YOU are unhappy is enough to end things. He may agree or he may try to convince you that you're 'crazy'. He may make promises to change or tell you that you need to accept him for what he is. Just remember that past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour. That he's had plenty of chances to change and hasn't. State your intentions clearly and calmly and shut down any arguments with "My mind is made up" or words to that effect.

And during this discussion, DO NOT AGREE TO ANYTHING. If he tries to get into finances and the kids just say "I'll have to think about that" or "I'm not ready to make that decision today". Because you aren't. Anything he suggests (or threatens) will need to be run by your solicitor first. No matter how 'reasonable' or how small it seems, it needs to be run by them.

Of course, there's nothing wrong with the proverbial 'midnight flit' if you have any concerns at all about his behaviour.

What a fricking shit he is!
Definitely get legal advice and find out where you stand so that you’re in the strongest position that you can possibly be before you simply tell him you’ve had enough of him and it’s over.

Death by 1,000 cuts, OP. Legal advice first. Maybe let your family know before you tell him you want to divorce in case he calls them and tries to claim that you are having a breakdown and destroying the family in the process. Remaining silent can be detrimental in these situations. Your mother will probably be supportive once the die is cast. Right now she is playing devil's advocate because she doesn't want to be the bad guy. Don't forget to hide anything really sentimental (ideally outside the house) as men tend to smash other folk's belongings when their cushy lives come crashing down. Also hide important paperwork just in case. Maybe you could have a bit of a 'declutter' over the coming days while you wait to see the solicitor. Store a few bits with a friend just in case you have to temporarily leave the home. Dramatic I know but when the rage sets in anything can happen, and this guy is a total dickhead with zero empathy.

Wow. He's a grade A arsehole.

I'm glad you're planning your exit. I'd get legal advice on the quiet as a first step.

My advice is to gather financial documents - as much as you can get your hands now. It'd be helpful to have a good understanding of your financials before starting the process.
Then - go and see a solicitor - prepare for the meeting with a brief overview of your case - years married, your jobs/ages; kids ages, assets. You won't get much in a first meeting, but would get some hi level advice.
If you can afford solicitor's help - than your next step is easier. Personally, I'd have them file for divorce and tell him after it is filed.

This, in my experience - will save you a lot of anguish and pointless discussions where he'll put pressure on you and use emotional blackmail. This also will send a signal that you are serious. IF a miracle happens and he has an awakening and changes - it'll all can be walked back. Filing for divorce is just one step that is easily reversable. BUT it helps you start a process - which is often the hardest bit - women often feel guilty, and are easily manipulated into waiting and hoping for the changes that never happen. And when they eventually file - they often wish they'd done it sooner.

OMG OP, I've only today come across your thread. Through no fault of your own, you've managed to find the world's biggest arsehole. I'm so glad you've realised that you're worth more than this though.

Yes, please go and get some legal advice as your first step. I'm happy to read that you've got a job and pension already, so you're two steps ahead of many women who may find themselves in a similar situation.

Make sure you find a shit hot lawyer who has seen gaslighting and bullshit before, as I've no doubt you'll see the performative husband/parent side of him emerge for a while.

So far he gives you just enough to keep you on the hook, when he realises he's going to lose you, he may amp up the performance for a while, don't get sucked in, it's just a show, he hasn't changed.

Some of the threads on MN show that while women may be in different situations, there are plenty, plenty, where the wife gives them 'one more chance' only for him to return to their original crap behaviour and somehow blame the wife for the inevitable breakdown of the marriage.

You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders, but we are all human and it's easy to get sucked into the idea of the future you had hoped you were going to have. He's repeatedly shown you who he really is though. Some of the stories you've shared are truly awful. What sort of man sends you off in an ambulance and goes for a sleep! Not just once either, he's treated you the same way before. for this alone, he should be gone.

A shit hot lawyer will be able to reassure you regarding custody arrangements, especially given the ages of your children. Get the good advice and then ditch this sack of shit (no matter how pretty he is).

Being with a man who is unable to feel empathy, even for his own children, is simply never, ever going to be successful.

He has faked empathy in order to marry and procreate, but now feels no need to continue pretending because he already has his 'goals' i.e Wife and kids, but he is unable to continue to pretend, day after day, week after week, year after year with you at home. So he's stopped trying. He's happy to ignore you & the kids, even during medical emergencies, and just prioritise himself to your detriment.

He realises he needs to continue to pretend in front of friends and close relatives as he knows it's expected 'behaviour' and would raise alarm bells if others knew about his total and utter lack of concern or care. That's why he was 'embarrassed' when his parents found out he'd ignored your calls when your DC was taken to hospital in an ambulance.

There can never be a future with a person who cannot feel empathy. A lack of empathy is not a standalone mental disorder on its own, but it is a key symptom or trait of several medical and psychological conditions. He is clearly suffering from some kind of 'disorder' as his 'natural' reactions and actions are not what anyone would call 'normal'.

Getting legal advice and having copies of financial paperwork as well as birth certificates/passports etc in a secure location comes first.

Once you know where you stand legally, you can decide how you want to progress.

You can begin the divorce either before or after you let him know the marriage is over. I'd tell my parents first to enlist their support, then ask them to be present when you tell your H. Having them there (or at least in the house) would also be more likely to result in him doing 'what people would expect' of a normal person, rather than his 'natural' reaction?) So he'd be more likely to go along with your request that he leave and to go to stay with his parents if you asked him to?

I'd be very wary of ever having a private discussion with him, because he may very well react in anger that all his pretence/ 'work' he had to do to aquire a family is being destroyed, so be very careful. (Someone who happily goes to sleep when his child is seriously unwell and in an ambulance isn't someone who'd give a crap about committing violence against any/all of you).

When you have doubts remember that his protestations come from the realisation that his relationship benefits are coming to an end. He will have to take care of all his needs for himself and he will howl and protest at the loss of the perfect life he set up for himself.
Although I expect his mum will step in and make sure he is comfortable.

Ignore the noise and follow your solicitor’s advice. Stop explaining, grey rock and carry on. You’ve got this.

He is a first class selfish prick

please don’t tell him what your thinking of doing, he will try to talk you out if it for his own good
you his house keeper, child minder and that lovely family look that he can show

It’s very hard to make the initial decision, because you’ve been together for years you think if you have that talk it will change and you will get the marriage you want
it doesn’t change, you get the promises and maybe a week/2 weeks then it falls again

You are in a very good position, equity, you work 4 days , have a family that could possibly help out financially
How many times are you going to let him
“ let you down”
“ show of his family for his ego”
” act like a single guy”
” sexless marriage at such a very young age”

please for your own mh and children get rid of this tosser and show him your a woman who doesn’t need him .

Have spoken properly with my parents who have turned out to be very supportive of how I feel and can completely understand my choices.
They've given me really sound advice about sorting myself out and help with becoming completely financially independent. Family have confirmed I'd have complete financial support if I ever need it. So feeling like I'm in a strong position. Going to go back to work full time as soon as I can so I am in a good position to support me and my children financially if and when I need to.
Just making sure I am fully sorted first before making any final decisions.
Very difficult as I think the message has gone in and now he's really helpful and engaged. Feels like a further kick in the teeth as shows he could have done it all along, it's simply been a choice.

You have hit the nail on the head. He chose this. Not for a few weeks, for years. Hope you are finding you anger, OP, because this man is not the one for you. I am furious on your behalf yet delighted with your parent's response. They have probably been biting their tongues for a long time. 😃

I'm glad your family is right behind you and you can start planning a future without this dead weight!

Yeah, as you say, it was a choice, he chose not to do it. And if you stayed, he would choose not to do it again. Glad you've understood what it means and not that this is a lasting change.

@Grumpynewmum23

Very difficult as I think the message has gone in and now he's really helpful and engaged.

It hasn't 'gone in'. It's a manipulation technique and would only last until he thinks you're back in your box then the facade will slowly fade away.

If he protests that he's 'really changed' tell him that you want a 'trial separation' that can 'prove him really changed'. It might make separating easier and keep him sweet until either you're gone or he leaves.

Stay strong and stay focused. You know him for what he is.