What would you do in my situation!!

[Grumpynewmum23]

Just needing advice really about what you would do in my situation as I am on my last straw, very run down as a result of my marriage and genuinely at a cross roads and my husband seems oblivious!

For general life context, we have been married 11 years. My husband is good looking, well respected in a full time professional job, plays semi professional sport outside of work, very social, lots of friends and likes to be busy. He is helpful at his sports clubs and helps with youth fixtures etc. His working hrs are often about 7.30-5.30pm. Sport taking up about 3/4 evenings a week, all day Saturday every weekend all year round from about 10am to 7/8pm. He's very committed, won't miss a game for e.g. family holidays/weddings etc.
I am in a professional role too working four days a week, and as he is never there really during waking hours (except Sundays), I do the overwhelming majority of everything else and childcare.
We have 2 small children, 1 year and 3 years.

He provides financial for all of us and it means we don't generally need to worry about money (not mega money but we live in a 3 bed semi, which we brought when we were young and the mortgage is quite cheap compared to our salaries).

On the face of it, it kind of works, except me never really getting a break, and him being almost pathologically busy.
My main problem though, is when he is at home, he is not loving or affectionate. If I was to try and give him a kiss or have sex etc he will brush me off and reject it. For reference without sounding annoying, I am generally regarded as pretty, and I look after myself well - people often comment on both my appearance and personality. I'm not sure why but it happens.
This refusal to be affectionate started around 9 years ago when I had a carcinoma removed (I was about 21) and it really freaked him out, and I had suspicion at the time he might have cheated but no evidence and he point blank refused. I'm not sure why I have tolerated it for so long but I think I almost blamed myself and really internalised how stressful it was for him.
My other gripe is he just doesn't engage well with our children, like to the point he has never looked after them by himself EVER for more than an hr. If it is over an hr he gets his parents round to help him. When one of our kids was sick and he was supposed to stay with him when I went to work, he packed them off to grandparents and went and got a coffee and did some work instead.
Lastly, there are too many to list but there are so many constants which don't feel hug and aren't like phsycailly abusive or anything but to be honest for me have caused major resentment. E.g. naming our son whilst I was unconscious after giving birth to him despite me saying I wanted to wait, going out the next day after we got home from the hospital (with both kids after they were born), leaving me when I was heavily pregnant and ill with an ill toddler to go out drinking despite me begging him to stay, drinking and throwing up all over our toddlers bed on first day of the holidays, whenever we've had to take a child to hospital he just texts or calls hope they're OK, and carries on with his life (bar about 2 occasions where it was life threatening), when I had sepsis from mastitis wouldn't leave work to look after the baby so I could rest in hospital meaning the nurses had to, when I was in bed after being discharged from hospital after said sepsis only looked after the baby for 12 minutes out of the whole day whilst I tried to shower and although he was supposed to be spending the day helping me again went out the gym for a coffee etc. There's many, many, many more things but I could go on all day.

He basically never shows up for us when we need him to.

Last weekend I had an honest chat with him and said I feel like I've given up on him to show up for us, and also to be affectionate. I've tried for such a long time and I just cannot any more. He sulked for an hour, said that made him feel shit and refused to eat tea and then an hr later carried on as normal. This week he has continued his normal schedule.
Part of me thinks I could handle the busyness if he was madly in love with me, affectionate, an engaged enthusiastic father and was really caring whilst he is here but he is not.

I feel like I might know my answer deep down but I would like advice on what you would do, what would your next steps be, how would you approach any further conversations.

Maintaining what father child relationship?

He just sounds awful and I think you and your kids deserve better than this to be honest.

Thank you all for your support and advice. I think it's really hit home how out of order it is really.

I guess my next question is how do I even raise this?! I just feel exhausted and at a complete loss with where to begin. Am I supposed to try marriage counselling first?

I really hope I listen to this advice here and take back your life from this asshole. He doesn’t care about you or your kids. He is shady af.
please please leave. U will manage, u really will . He is treating u all like a commodity he has to deal with but has no actual love or like for. Ur kids deserve way way better and absolutely so do u. When u leave and finally see how good you can do it you will thank yourself. Ur a young woman with lots of positives. Please LTB and I say that not in jest.

I would call him on that in front of others especially if they comment on his 'performance'. Make it very clear that this is just for other peoples' benefit and it is a total lie.

This is a lot OP!

Are you in love with him?

I think this is past marriage counselling after your fruitless chat with him.

Initially you need to ask him to
leave. He can go to his parents while you begin to plan your next move.
Tell him clearly, I’m not happy. This marriage isn’t working for me. I want a divorce. Please go to your parents while we make plans for a separate future.

If he decided his marriage was worth anything he’d have tried before now = 9 years - it hadn’t accured to him he was neglecting his wife & family away from his family!

He doesn’t deserve a second chance

How do you approach this

You tell him , you’ve had enough if being a single parent after 9 yrs of him taking the piss out if you by him carrying on as a single man with NO responsibilities at home for his wife & kids
living a life of Riley as a single man 🤦‍♀️

take no shit from this self centre person

I was going to say it sounds to say your husband has checked out, but actually it really sounds like he never checked in.

He is clearly and obviously living the single life whilst a lodger in your family. He doesn’t fulfil your needs, or those of your children. What a terrible example of a father he is setting as a future benchmark for your children. You owe it to them to show them that you, and them deserve so much better.

Don’t be persuaded that this is normal because it isn’t. I would guess that the main reason he’s so amenable and pleasant at home ie no arguments, is because you don’t demand enough from him. I bet he wouldn’t be so amenable if you required him to put you and your children first by giving up some of his activities. Many wives would demand from their husbands- the catalogue of times he has felt to show up in an emergency with you or your children it’s truly shocking. I’m amazed that you’re still with him, and a bit bemused too.

Not to be fanciful, but you sound like you’re caged at the moment; you need to set yourself free and take your babies with you. It won’t be long before you wonder why you hesitated and waited so long to make a move.

Marriage counselling? That’s the sort of passive response your mother would suggest. And probably to cut him slack because of the heat of some such nonsense.

No, tell your in laws the full story
and ask your father for HELP (and any decent father will prioritise their daughter and grandchildren over work)

and start to plan for getting that home you said you’d be able to buy.

You have raised it, he doesn’t care and hasn’t changed.

And it shouldn’t take you telling him you want to leave the marriage for him to actually want to spend time with his family or be a proper husband and father.

It may be he'll be a better parent as a divorced man. Set times to see them will probably work for him.

I'd just go straight to filing for divorce tbh.

This just confirms my hypothesis that some men just view their spouses as domestic appliances/nanny.

You don't have any obligation to try marriage counselling.
It sounds like you don't want to disappoint anyone by not giving it a good chance, but you've already worked so hard and have overlooked your own needs.
Trying to talk with him about it results in him Darvo-ing you and trying to turn it round to be how awful you are making him feel bad about how unhappy you are!
You've got no voice there. He doesn't hear you. He doesn't see you and he doesn't value you at all, let alone treasure you.
You are young and vibrant and you have given your entire 20s to a man that makes you feel unloved.
That's enough on its own.
Hes not even treating you as a friend, let alone a lover or life partner.
Really, neither of you make the other happy, but he's actually cruel to you too.

We don't have to live like this anymore. You have so much life ahead of you to be in the wrong relationship. His parents give more of a shit than he does.

Sorry you are going through this. Your DH is a selfish man who likes the status/idea of a family, but not the work of it .

I don't think counselling is worth it. But as a last ditch effort you could sit down with him and talk seriously (without the DC around) and tell him how you feel and how you are at rock bottom in this relationship and you need him to step up and be a parent and a partner. I suspect he will just tell you how unhappy he is in the relationship.... but you will know you tried everything.

Then I think you should make your plans to separate. Take your time to work things out and then leave the marriage.

My marriage ended when DH had an affair. I was utterly devastated and thought I would never get over it. I was wrong, it was the making of me.

It will be hard, but ultimately you will be happier. You are a single parent anyway so you will just carry on but without him to drag you down. You deserve better you know you do and so do your DC. Good luck!

Get (him?) out now. No more messing with you and your DC's lives. Fill in the Divorce form on line today when DC are busy/in bed. Do not tell him, no discussion needed, he can find out in due time.

Just think about how great and lovely your lives will be without him in the future.

Your story is exactly like my own. Right down to the semi professional sport and everyone admiring him for his “man of the people” and perfect family image.
But I didn’t have the financial support and good career you have, so I stayed for 22 years. My choices were limited, yours aren’t!
I tried with marriage counselling sporadically for 8 years. He thought there was no problem, so we got nowhere.
He never changed, mostly because he didn’t need to. He thought I wouldn’t leave. I eventually did, but I regret not doing it 10 years earlier.
I am broken. I don’t think I will ever have another relationship. My children are broken, they are finding it difficult to trust anyone.
AND he hasn’t changed, he’s still an absent, neglectful father.

Really frustrating as I tried to speak with him today and outline how like I feel like I have more of a relationship with his parents than I do with him as they are holding everything together at the moment. Raised the rejection of intimacy. Raised the fact that I have very little else I'm able to do because I have no break because he is so busy doing everything else, and if I do want to do something for me I have to ask his parents first, then my parents if his aren't available and then him if neither parents are available and then he is invariably unavailable. I said this was massively affecting my self esteem as I don't ever get to exist as just me and I'm not sure I can carry on like this and I feel at a cross roads.
He said that he didn't think that any of this was a particularly big deal, and that lack of time to do what you want is expected when you're a parent of young children (!!!!) And that lack of intimacy is normal. I said I didn't want that though and I can't think of any excuses for that. And I'm not sure I want to carry on living my life like this.
He did say there was probably times he could prioritise better but tbf overall very dismissive.

Gosh it's so difficult isn't it, the perfect image to everyone else!! It's like because so many other people have their heads up his bum if I raise anything he has such unshakable self confidence he can't take it on as criticism or feedback, just completely dismisses it as my problem.

"He said that he didn't think any of this was a particularly big deal, and that lack of time to do what you want is expected when you're a parent of young children"

Oh my - what a monumental hypocrite he is!

Go and see a lawyer OP get the lay of the land. He will never change.

I bet nothing changed in his life when the children were born. He just carried on the same as pre-children. But YOU are doing all the work and he could not do all his activities without you being home to take care of the children.

I bet he has never asked you if you can look after them while he: goes to the loo, has a shower, pops to the shop, does a gym session, goes off to play his sport (it's golf isn't it. It's always golf. Or cycling). Whereas you can't ever fart alone in peace without someone small hanging on your leg.

He won't change.

He won't move out without a fight.

He will beg you to stay because he won't want to look like he failed at marriage to his acquaintances.

TELL HIM YOU ARE TAKING OVER HIS SCHEDULELL FROM NOW ON. All of it. He has to be available 24/7. The only time he can opt out is for work/travel to an from. Nothing else. See how he likes that.

Hes happy with how things are. I'd see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings if I were you