What would you do in my situation!!

[Grumpynewmum23]

Just needing advice really about what you would do in my situation as I am on my last straw, very run down as a result of my marriage and genuinely at a cross roads and my husband seems oblivious!

For general life context, we have been married 11 years. My husband is good looking, well respected in a full time professional job, plays semi professional sport outside of work, very social, lots of friends and likes to be busy. He is helpful at his sports clubs and helps with youth fixtures etc. His working hrs are often about 7.30-5.30pm. Sport taking up about 3/4 evenings a week, all day Saturday every weekend all year round from about 10am to 7/8pm. He's very committed, won't miss a game for e.g. family holidays/weddings etc.
I am in a professional role too working four days a week, and as he is never there really during waking hours (except Sundays), I do the overwhelming majority of everything else and childcare.
We have 2 small children, 1 year and 3 years.

He provides financial for all of us and it means we don't generally need to worry about money (not mega money but we live in a 3 bed semi, which we brought when we were young and the mortgage is quite cheap compared to our salaries).

On the face of it, it kind of works, except me never really getting a break, and him being almost pathologically busy.
My main problem though, is when he is at home, he is not loving or affectionate. If I was to try and give him a kiss or have sex etc he will brush me off and reject it. For reference without sounding annoying, I am generally regarded as pretty, and I look after myself well - people often comment on both my appearance and personality. I'm not sure why but it happens.
This refusal to be affectionate started around 9 years ago when I had a carcinoma removed (I was about 21) and it really freaked him out, and I had suspicion at the time he might have cheated but no evidence and he point blank refused. I'm not sure why I have tolerated it for so long but I think I almost blamed myself and really internalised how stressful it was for him.
My other gripe is he just doesn't engage well with our children, like to the point he has never looked after them by himself EVER for more than an hr. If it is over an hr he gets his parents round to help him. When one of our kids was sick and he was supposed to stay with him when I went to work, he packed them off to grandparents and went and got a coffee and did some work instead.
Lastly, there are too many to list but there are so many constants which don't feel hug and aren't like phsycailly abusive or anything but to be honest for me have caused major resentment. E.g. naming our son whilst I was unconscious after giving birth to him despite me saying I wanted to wait, going out the next day after we got home from the hospital (with both kids after they were born), leaving me when I was heavily pregnant and ill with an ill toddler to go out drinking despite me begging him to stay, drinking and throwing up all over our toddlers bed on first day of the holidays, whenever we've had to take a child to hospital he just texts or calls hope they're OK, and carries on with his life (bar about 2 occasions where it was life threatening), when I had sepsis from mastitis wouldn't leave work to look after the baby so I could rest in hospital meaning the nurses had to, when I was in bed after being discharged from hospital after said sepsis only looked after the baby for 12 minutes out of the whole day whilst I tried to shower and although he was supposed to be spending the day helping me again went out the gym for a coffee etc. There's many, many, many more things but I could go on all day.

He basically never shows up for us when we need him to.

Last weekend I had an honest chat with him and said I feel like I've given up on him to show up for us, and also to be affectionate. I've tried for such a long time and I just cannot any more. He sulked for an hour, said that made him feel shit and refused to eat tea and then an hr later carried on as normal. This week he has continued his normal schedule.
Part of me thinks I could handle the busyness if he was madly in love with me, affectionate, an engaged enthusiastic father and was really caring whilst he is here but he is not.

I feel like I might know my answer deep down but I would like advice on what you would do, what would your next steps be, how would you approach any further conversations.

I am so sad for you! But I would like to pick up on what you've said about not being strong - I think you are incredibly strong having taken all the weight of the entire family on your shoulders for so long, kept your career going and battled serious health problem in the face of this a*holes indifference! You sound absolutely blooming amazing.

And yes, you feel tired now, of course his behaviour is soul-destroying and you've been putting up with it for so long.

"that lack of time to do what you want is expected when you're a parent of young children"

I actually can't believe he had the gall to say this. The absolute nerve of him. Get angry, OP, and use the anger as fuel.

@Grumpynewmum23

Go ahead and make that list of what you do vs what he does, colour code it for effect.

I hate to be Debbie Downer here, but I wouldn't expect it to change things much. Or if it does it won't last.

He has exactly the life he wants, he's a 'married bachelor'. A wise MNer posted on another thread a while ago "Some men want marriage and a family, other men want a wife and children". Your H (nor so D) is the latter. He wants the 'home comforts' and the appearance of a 'good family man', but he wants them at no cost to the life he lived as a carefree bachelor. Do you really think he's going to suddenly 'see the light' and want to change that? I don't.

So go ahead and have a conversation, show him the list. But do so in order to confirm what you already know, deep inside. He's not going to change. And if he does vow to 'do better', keep a very close eye on how he institutes any changes, and don't expect it to last. Are you going to have to continually remind him? Instruct him? Will he actually create more work and stress for you in the long run with his 'incompetent help'? Because that's what he'll think it is, 'help'. Not stepping up and doing his part as a husband and father, but 'helping' you with what he thinks you should be doing as a slave wife and mother. After all, it's your 'job'.

My advice? When you get home quietly make an appointment with a good family solicitor and find out what a divorce may mean to you. And don't tell him. Beg, borrow, or steal the money. Knowledge is power. When If the shit hits the fan with his 'help' or if he refuses, you will have the information needed to end things in the best way possible for you.

Oh, and if you haven't, confide in someone IRL. Your parents if possible, or a good friend or relative. Someone who will keep your confidence and give you a shoulder to lean on. IRL support is a wonderful source of strength. And 'go stealth'. Say nothing to your H about any thoughts or plans after your 'conversation' and solicitor visit. Let him think you were just having a 'tantrum'. The element of surprise is invaluable.

Good luck. I wish you well.

Your partner sounds very much like mine although mine only works part time. He is very emotionally unavailable, I've delivered 3 of our children alone one completely where he stayed at home during my elective section because he cant deal with operations/hospitals. When the children are ill and one was admitted to hospital he didnt go to see her, left me to take her to hospital 3 weeks post section while he was flat out drunk in bed. Moans if i go and do things for myself and will ring and ask how long I will be. I know I shouldnt put up with it and i will tell you you shouldnt either, like you said you get called attractive all the time and so do I, we deserve so much better. But its difficult, depends on circumstances and fear of the future etc. I wish you luck, hopefully we both get what we deserve one day x

Right now you are in the thick of it. You feel responsible for him (you are not, he is a grown man, an adult, but I get that feeling totally).
From what you have written, you are very very unhappy. And he knows this, and does not care.
He may make all the right noises when you say you are unhappy, he may even sympathise at times. But does he do anything about it? The answer is likely no, he doesn't.
Because he is living his little life, which is nice and fine and dandy. A single life, with the comfort of a family placed neatly in the background to be plucked out when needed.
The fact his wife, the mother of his children, is desperately unhappy, is a minor detail to him. Something he will roll his eyes at probably to the point you'll feel uncomfortable to bring it up anymore.
OP, I can sympathise because it sounds familiar.
The fact is, you are far stronger than you think and leaving would mean entering unfamiliar territory. So you're understandably second guessing that. Not from a 'I don't know what to do' perspective, because you do it all already, but from a 'there will be no one to bounce thoughts off, or no one in the background as a sort of comfort' perspective.
But once you decide to go it alone, so to speak, you will soar. You will, in a short space of time, start breathing in a sense of calm and a sense of perspective and then start wondering why on earth you didn't do this sooner, because life will be so much more enjoyable. Perhaps not easier pre se immediately, and perhaps you'll still feel a weird sense of responsibility to him for some time, but the difference to your state of mind and your sense of peace will be clear within days of him not being around.
What I will say, is when I left someone who sounds strikingly similar, it was scary to think its just me and the kids now. It was confusing, because akthough he bever contributed to decisions or family input, it was still like a weird sort of comfort blanket had been pulled from under me. However, what I inititally thought I 'missed' wasnt actualy him. It was the familiarity. Once I recognised that, I started thriving. Realky thriving. And being happy. I found out who I was again and the calmness and relief was suddenly right there in front of me, I was shocked at how I hadn't seen it before.
Its only when you're out of a situation that you can see it for what it is.

But be warned. he likely won't take it lying down. You'll be removing his own comfort blanket, that of a family he can conviently display when needed, a wife who does all the things to keep that convenient family ready for action. He might get angry, he might cry, he might blame you and call you thingds you never thought he would, or he may beg forgiveness and vow to change (which will last approximately 2 weeks). So remember you've made it clear how you feel. He is in no doubt whatsoever how unhappy you are, and he has done nothing to change that. Its only when his own comfy little world is at actual risk of toppling that he wants to suddenly be the best husband the world ever created. The tears will be oscar worthy. Just giving you a heads up.
And just keep telling yourself - but he KNEW, and he didn't care. He only cares now, because HIS life will be made far far more difficult if you are not in it.

Gaslighting only works if you don't know it's happening.

You know now. You know that you're not crazy and you know what he's trying to do, so now the power is in your hands.

I wouldn’t mention anything to do with your relationship & the kids no more

what I’d do is watch & take note whilst on holiday and don’t mention a thing to him about it

interaction he has with the children
play with them, feed them, get up with them
basically anything he does for them

You
Any physical contact with you
Is he actually making conversation with you, not you with him so that he has to answer
Does he seem happy to be on holiday
How is he being in himself being with the family all day

This should show you then that he can’t even be arsed to make an effort whilst on holiday with family

I feel so sad for you such a young woman doing all she can to run the house and inside just wanting some attention from your husband
I can’t imagine how you must feeling

Been a tricky few weeks.

Over the holiday we constantly argued and bickered which wasn't so fun. It's so difficult because I said that I felt over everything, over holding everything together with little help, over no initiation of anything romantic, over not being able to trust him to look after our children.
The thing is like now he is now doing just enough so like looking at it he's 'solved' the problems so to speak. But just wondering how long it'll last. I'm drained by it all and am now on week 3 of tonsilitis

He’s just stringing you along
You sounds exhausted and burnt out
Has he fully stepped up and helping you because you’re unwell?

Having you, he knows he has it easy and all for free
You do need to think about what you want
But I know deep down you have already made your decision.
Its just the right time and you have to get to a point where you’re ready to leave if he doesn’t change

That is just so sad. It's very possible he has convinced himself that you will never leave him because he is such a catch. What an absolute loser in the husband and father stakes. Is part of this act throwing you the occasional kiss or hug?

Take this into the future OP. I'm sure there are many families in which one parent has dedicated themselves to their career for valiant reasons such as accumulating wealth for a luxurious retirement and ongoing security for the following generations. So, let's give him the benefit of the doubt and say this is his motivation. But when that chapter of life is over and retirement comes, you'd want to have a loving, healthy family unit to then enjoy wouldn't you, as the fruit of your labour for all those years. I just don't see it working out like that for you, given what you've said about him. From not showing up for you at truly horrendous times, to spending even more time away from you all on his sport and friends.

There's also a point I'd like to make about him bringing in the money to the extent that he does. I always think that yeh, it does obviously benefit you and the children, but he'd be doing that with his life anyway if you weren't there, he'll always need to pay a mortgage/car/bills It's not some heroic effort to put himself out for your sole gain. So, meh. And you've said that you earn well too, so don't give him all the credit for the big wage packet that buys him out of his responsibilities.
I don't think the split need be some big showdown either. Incompatible lifestyles and ambitions happen. You can go your separate ways and each lead the life that fulfills you.

Literally yes. Or initiating sex but like barely touching or kissing me. Just can't deal with it anymore!

Thank you. I just think I know what I need to do but because there's been no huge issue like him having a full on affair or like anything mad I feel like I'm over reacting by just being done with the inadequecies.

Money wise if I go back full time I'll be on a very similar wage to him except the money he brings in on top from sport, and have good progression prospects.

I'm just very overwhelmed and checked out all at once. Part of me would love for this to resolve but also part of me doesn't and I just want to be alone.

Thank you for this post. It's really given me confidence and lots to consider x

You poor love, I am so sorry this is happening.

It's just draining to be honest. Happened yesterday and I just cried like all day after wards cus it's just so rubbish and he won't see it at all from my perspective and thinks everything is perfect. I feel like we couldn't be further apart on the spectrum of relationship satisfaction!

You’re a nanny and housekeeper allowing him to do what he wants.

Gosh you’re so young, don’t make this your life, a fucking misery, just fell him it’s over. Move on, you will meet someone else in time and be happy.

Divorce.
I find the references to you being pretty and him being good looking very odd. How is that important?
He is a terrible husband and father.
Don’t waste your whole life on this.

@Grumpynewmum23

No one should cry all day because they're unhappy in their marriage. So, try some 'visualization'. Really picture yourself in your own little place, you and DC. It's quiet there and calm, with bursts of happy laughter and squeals. Yes, you do it all but there is no resentment in you as you watch 'The Big I Am' stroll out the door with his kit or sit there doing fuck all because he 'earns the big bucks and is entitled to do what he wants'. This house of yours is as neat as a pin or as messy as the end of a happy day, whichever you choose. And it's decorated just as you want. Comfy Kitsch, Mid-century Modern, or gilded to the eyeballs, it is a reflection of you and your DC. And guess what? He has no right to be there, none whatsoever. And another thing? If he pisses you off or upsets you, you get to put the phone down on him or shut the door in his face. Doesn't that sound nice? It won't be all roses and rainbows, whose life is? But it will be your life, your decisions, 'your castle, your rules'.

Maybe you aren't ready today, but when you are ready for it will be there. It may not be exactly as you visualized, but I think it'll still be better than a place where you cry all day.

He’s just going through the motions because you’ve brought up what your not getting from your relationship ie more help around the house, time with the children and the sex which is now not a physical emotional time between you but more of a chore for him !😡
your so young , you deserve much better than him! Let him love his fucking self . As you’ve found out , looks arnt everything
Dont let him use you like this , you deserve much much more.

Youve got this , if you can’t do it for yourself do it for your kids

I think I feel quite calm and ready to take the steps toward separating. There's so much, and now I feel aware of it it feels so like overwhelming. Organised a birthday party for him (a while back but was only on saturday due to timings), that mid way through he pretended he had organised for me and did a speech and made me blow out candles in front of everyone (my birthday next week) which is just the type of thing I absolutely hate. He came to confront me basically saying it was embarrassing as several people had come up to him to mention it, but I've always said I hate stuff like that, always hated surprises etc.
Then my 1yo went into respiratory distress with an awful viral infection, got blue lighted to A&E, he didn't do anything just stayed in bed and then text me to call him if we needed anything. Called him for over 90minutes as we needed picking up once she was OK, he never picked up as he was sleeping and he was tired as it had been disturbing the ambulance coming to take us to hospital. I had to call his dad instead to collect us and bring us home. Then was clearly embarrassed I had told his parents he wasn't picking up, as he was apologetic and took our two for 2hrs this morning so I could sleep (never ever is apologetic or takes them without being asked does that!).

I feel sometimes a bit like am walking through a weird dream of like what the hell is going on though.

Sometimes I just feel so confused as I think I've been waiting for this big excuse but really there's like loads of everyday so of level ones.

Does any of you have advice on how to initiate the first conversation re separation?
Get legal advice first?

Just tons of sympathy first!

Make up your mind that you are past negotiating with him directly. You have given him every opportunity to wake up snd change and he has refused every chance quite rudely and viciously. Refusing to deal with your infant’s health emergency has to be the ladt straw.

Go and get legal advice. Choose all the best options for yourself. Don’t “give” anything hoping that he will be grateful and see more of the children. He won’t ever care about them. Be absolutely ruthless, choose the most aggressive solicitor you can, and tell your mother to choose a fucking side and it had better be yours. Look at your children and imagine what you would do if your daughter told you half of what you have told us?

I think get legal advice, because forewarned is forearmed. Then set out to him what your intentions are and have a plan B if, for example, he won't move out but expects you to.

You keep saying there is no big thing that’s happened eg cheating for you to leave. I would strongly disagree. Not showing affection, treating you with disdain, extreme selfishness, total disregard for your and your children’s health are each big things on their own. Put together, they are colossal. This is not a marriage and you must feel so lonely. Of course no marriage is perfect but one of the things I love about my DH is he’s always available for a cuddle, a kiss, he rubs my feet while we watch TV and has a glass of wine waiting for me when I get home after a bad day! If I’m sick he’s always helpful and there for me. And vice versa. There’s plenty he can improve on, as can I, but the basic love and respect that make marriage worthwhile is there. You are clearly a hardworking, lovely woman and you deserve more.