I hate going on holiday with husband and his family

[livelyparsnip]

Married with 3 children.

i want to know if Im being unreasonable about the following.

husband has a large immediate family, siblings and mother. And they’re all very attached to each other. Husband will call his mother every day on the way home from work and stand outside the house talking to her before coming in to see me (I find this very difficult, it feels as though he has a private life with his family that I am not allowed to see or hear). They don’t live nearby but I always welcome them coming to stay for weekends, I cook and clean and make them welcome, but I feel like I lose the children entirely when they arrive, his family seem to engulf everything, they overshadow me and feel very controlling and overwhelming. I feel as though there are invisible tentacles strangling me.

anyway, it is expected that we go on holiday with them every year to a resort. The same thing happens. I feel panicky when they’re around and I feel a huge urge to protect myself and my children from husbands family. It’s hard to explain but there are no boundaries at all and any gentle boundaries i try to establish come across as me being unreasonable and controlling.

i want to know what this sounds like?

for full disclosure, I am now divorced from this man (this was not the only reason this happened, there was plenty of other stuff) but Im plagued by memories of this kind of thing and I want to know if it sounds like I was the problem, or was he? I never told him how I felt about his family, because it didn’t feel possible.

You were not the problem. It sounds like his family took over your life and were a suffocating and overbearing presence. The obligation to holiday with them every year, never having time alone etc sounds incredibly stressful.

I like my in-laws a lot and they’re not pushy or clingy but I still wouldn’t want to have to go on holiday with them or have them staying at my house for long periods!

Wait, are you saying you STILL have to go away with them even now you’re divorced?!

Thank you for your response. It really helps. I often feel so guilty about the divorce and I wonder if it was just me being the problem.

and no - my post was confusing but I have as little as possible to do with them all now. I felt like I had to divorce him so that my children could see that there was another way of being that wasn’t so engulfing for them.

I want to know what this sounds like

What do you mean? It doesn’t need a diagnosis!

His family were one type of people and you were a different type-it doesn’t sound like you were very compatible. Presumably why you have since split up.

I suppose I mean Im asking for unbiased views of the dynamic

Do your DC have time with their dad’s family now? Do they still go on the family holiday?

It sounds like your ex’s family were a very enmeshed, overbearing bunch of people who all lived in each other’s pockets and didn’t have independent lives. It’s unsurprising that you didn’t want that for your children. It sounds suffocating and clannish and controlling and, as you say, they had no boundaries, which is unhealthy.

You sound to me like someone whose life was taken over by other people who ignored your feelings and needs, and you very understandably found that difficult. I think most people would. You’re the normal one here.

Yes they do, there’s nothing I can do about it, they have mixed feelings about it. My eldest does not like it

Thank you. You’ve no idea what a relief it is to hear this. I think deep down I know this but I wanted to hear it from an outsider.

I think it’s hard to comment as your view is clearly going to be biased. And no real examples but it’s the last anyway.

Having a large extended family can be a positive and wonderful thing but clearly you never felt part of it. So getting divorced sounds sensible but remember his family is still your DC’s family. Don’t try to taint that because it wasn’t for you.

Did you divorce because you didn't want to holiday with your ex husband's family?

I can't work out from your post what they did wrong other than like big family holidays which you didn't.

Speaking to his Mum every day and finishing his call outside isn't a bad thing. I always finish calls before coming into the house - it feels a bit rude to arrive home whilst on a call meaning you can't really greet the people you live with

thank you for your thoughts. I agree it can be a wonderful thing and my now ex husband has plenty of time with the children and they see a lot of his family.

Not at all, and I take responsibility for not mentioning how I felt.

there were many many other things, including things that I have been told constitute as emotional abuse.

that Makes sense. I don’t know if I was this for him, it felt more like he was secretive and defensive. But thats just how it felt for me.

Sadly some birth families are incapable of recognising new boundaries when someone marries/lives with someone else and sets up a new family of their own. My DM was an overbearing and unpleasant woman anyway, but when I met my DH and had our own children, she saw us as as purely an extension of her own family. In the end I had no choice but to cut her out of our lives completely after years of trying to put boundaries in place. She treated my DH with the same total lack of respect and utter rudeness as we all grew up with and that was unacceptable in my own family.

Are you still worried about your ex’s family’s influence on your children? Do you still have the urge to protect them? Or has it resolved now you’re no longer together?

Phoning my mum every day isn't something I would do but isn't weird in and of itself. I would read the standing outside to finish the phone call as consideration for people inside the house - nobody wants to hear other people on the phone when they can only hear one side of what's being said. It's odd for you to immediately leap to thinking it was secretive and he must have been hiding something.

As for feeling "panicky" around his family - odd. It's fine not to like them, having nothing in common or whatever, but panicky?

It's probably just as well that you are divorced as you seem incompatible. But I hope you are still letting the children see their dad, aunts/uncles and grandparents.

None can give you unbiased views, every persons tolerance levels are different and it’s only one side of the story, they’ll be at least another 3 sides.

No one can give you an unbiased view of the dynamic because we only have your view of things!
You have described an awful smothering controlling family.
It could equally be a normal family who remained close to each other, and you just never took to them.
You would benefit from some counselling rather than views from here.

I don't think you were unreasonable to not enjoy big family holidays with his family. I'd find that quite stressful too. I think lots of people would.
Some people would probably love it, but you can't make yourself into that sort of person and you shouldn't feel guilty. It sounds like your needs were completely disregarded and you were in an impossible position.

I am part of a big extended family and I mostly love big family parties, but I doubt I'd cope well with an actual holiday with them. Without people falling out.
I know plenty of partners of our family can find it a bit overwhelming and others really love it.

Your needs should have been listened to them and I'm sure it was all part of a bigger picture of being right down the priority list in his life, but still expected to show up to manage his image.

I'm glad you are not in that situation anymore because it sounds really lonely.
It's a shame you are still trying to process it now it's over. Are you getting grief from people or judgement? I'd tell him /them that you honestly don't care what they think anymore. You weren't happy and he wasn't even interested in why that was.
Id tell your children that you understand that people sometimes want somebody to blame, but it's fine for them to like big events like that but not everyone does and you don't think you should be made to feel bad for things you can't help.

yes very similar to this, except that the insults were cloaked with saccharine sweetness from MIL. I hope you are free of it now

Some families are large. And can seem overwhelming. They are close too. They are not just family but each others friends. Cousins will know cousins very well. They usually live nearby.
You joined their family. They will have seen you as one of them. A quiet one perhaps but just one of the family.

To be honest I do worry yes. I have reams of things written down that the children have said to me about how it is at daddy’s house. It’s very hard to hear but they’re young and it’s extremely hard to prove emotional unsafety. I make sure they have all the space and safety they need when they’re with me. I do wish I could whisk them away sometimes but I do also recognise that he and his family are not all bad.

We aren't a jury though. We are a message board where women ask for support.

Since when do people need to have to hear the ex husbands point of view to be able to support a woman processing her divorce and some of the things she still can't get her head round.