I hate going on holiday with husband and his family

[livelyparsnip]

Married with 3 children.

i want to know if Im being unreasonable about the following.

husband has a large immediate family, siblings and mother. And they’re all very attached to each other. Husband will call his mother every day on the way home from work and stand outside the house talking to her before coming in to see me (I find this very difficult, it feels as though he has a private life with his family that I am not allowed to see or hear). They don’t live nearby but I always welcome them coming to stay for weekends, I cook and clean and make them welcome, but I feel like I lose the children entirely when they arrive, his family seem to engulf everything, they overshadow me and feel very controlling and overwhelming. I feel as though there are invisible tentacles strangling me.

anyway, it is expected that we go on holiday with them every year to a resort. The same thing happens. I feel panicky when they’re around and I feel a huge urge to protect myself and my children from husbands family. It’s hard to explain but there are no boundaries at all and any gentle boundaries i try to establish come across as me being unreasonable and controlling.

i want to know what this sounds like?

for full disclosure, I am now divorced from this man (this was not the only reason this happened, there was plenty of other stuff) but Im plagued by memories of this kind of thing and I want to know if it sounds like I was the problem, or was he? I never told him how I felt about his family, because it didn’t feel possible.

It's obviously impossible for outsiders to get an accurate view. Maybe a more interesting question for you would be 'why did I chose to marry a man with a very close , involved extended family when that isn't what I want in my life'. Why weren't you able to identify your boundaries and needs early on and make a positive decision to leave the relationship. Therapy might be useful if you're struggling to process the aftermath of your divorce. It's really tough. (Been there, I get it).

Thank you for this.

i actually love big families and social things like that. The issue was as you said, feeling as though I was just there as a pawn really. His mother and sister in particular seemed to feel very competitive with me, I don’t really know why. They felt very ‘tribal’ and defensive towards the outside world, and my ex husband definitely held me as ‘other’ (it seemed to me). I very much wanted to be a part of it (until it seemed to be a very unhealthy dynamic).

Thank you

Yes indeed this is something I have been working on. Why did I marry someone with whom I feel so unseen. Thank you x

I separated from my partner with two children because of the same reasons as you. He was unusually close to his mother, brothers and sisters to the point after our children were put to bed, instead of spending time with me, he would group call the whole lot for hours making me feel left out. Also, he was abusive.

Please be reassured you are not unreasonable at all and you did the right thing x

Thank you. I hope things are much much better for you now

I think that you are going to have to accept that their dad's family will certainly have influence in your children's lives.
I think for your own peace, you should try to not ask your children to tell you about their time there apart from in quite general terms, and if they do try and talk about it, try and gently steer the conversation away to things about your household and your side of the family.
Try and foster a bit of distance emotionally from that lot, and be careful that your children don't feel like they need to take sides or tell you tales.

You have to build up your own life and if they are slagging you off to the children and they tell you , then I think you have to try and just be like "well that's unkind or just name it as being mean behaviour from them and that you wish they would leave you alone.

I think it's hard to say from this.

Possibly neither of you is right or wrong, it's just different in ways that dont suit either side.

I come from a TINY family. We never have big family get togethers, never go on holidays other than a rare weekend away now we're all adults, and aren't in touch with uncles / aunts. Certainly don't ring every day. It sounds cold, but it suits us all and everyone is happy getting on with their own lives. My two sets of grandparents met at my parent's wedding and only a couple of times after that in 21 years. They had nothing in common, and lived miles apart.

When I go back to my parent's house we do spend time together and enjoy it, but we are also free to retreat to a separate room / read etc.

In my 20s I was engaged to a guy with a big family and he had visions of both our families going on holidays together and meeting up every month. Visiting his parents every other weekend (they lived three hours away). When we visited I felt like I had to sit with them and make chitchat all the time with no respite. It was overwhelming and exhausting. But there was nothing wrong with it per se, it was just not a good fit for me as an introvert with a totally different family dynamic.

Exacerbating this though was the fact that his mother clearly expected to remain Top Woman after we got married and was always making me feel judged and put down. I struggled for ages to decide if the problem was me or her and issues she caused led to bf and I breaking up. With hindsight I definitely think she was mostly in the wrong, but I didn't help - I was often trying to get away from her because I felt so claustrophobic. There were lots of things I did at her house which offended her, even though I hadn't meant to and was just doing things normal for my family. Lots of misunderstandings. There's no way I'd have got through a holiday with them.

At the end of the day, whatever the rights and wrongs of it, I'm happier now I'm away from it. I hope that you are too.

Sounds really concerning about what the dc are being exposed to. Given you presumably don't have enough evidence of emotional harm to legally stop the family seeing them, I wonder whether a bit of external support could benefit them.

I'm thinking kind of like counselling - not that they necessarily have any issues, but for general support and to help them understand the dynamic (ie what's healthy and normal, and what isn't) and maybe share some of the things they go through with those relatives that they might not feel comfortable telling you, or want to protect you from hearing, especially as they get older.

Please don't overlook what they might be exposed to there. You might be able to mitigate it. And if they get to the point they really don't want to be there, you might be able to do quite a lot to protect them from having to.

Edit: I understand pp's point that hearing about what's said there will be upsetting to you, but I would strongly encourage you to find somewhere the dc can talk through and process the details of that they're going through when there.

but I feel like I lose the children entirely when they arrive,

I find this very odd and do wonder if you have quite a controlling personality.

If they didn’t live close by then it is only natural that they would be the centre of attention and your DC will want to spend your spend time with them.

The fact that you felt you were ‘losing your children’ when they visit is very dramatic and so I do think you probably have a lot of your own issues.

But you wouldn’t have divorced your DH over a yearly holiday and family that live far away.

There were obviously a lot of issues between you and DH that had nothing to do with the family.

So why are you thinking about this now?
Has something happened recently?

He could have the most perfect family in the world but unless you and him are compatible then it would never work.

She asks in her first post whether she or her husband was the problem, then goes on to ask for unbiased views.
Yes this is a message board where people can offer support. But sometimes, being blindly told you are fine and someone else is the problem is not helpful or constructive. If, for example, someone has mental health struggles, it can actually be quite damaging to reinforce their worries.
I read nothing in the opening post to show that the husband’s family were controlling except the OP saying that they were. She describes feeling panicky when his family were near.
This was my point. Perhaps they were awful people, perhaps not, perhaps she suffers from poor mental health and needs a different sort of support than a message board telling her this family are awful and she is fine.
Lively Parsnip, I repeat my suggestion that you would really benefit from some counselling.

Thank you. I don’t actually ever ask them, other than very casually, so they don’t feel pressured to report anything to me.

Thank you for this and im glad you managed to find what you needed!

Thank you. I will look into some options for them to talk that are not myself or their dad, thats a good idea

That sounds like a horrible relationship and an overbearing family, and you sound completely normal for not liking it.
I feel sorry for your eldest child who doesn’t like going on holidays with them. Hopefully as she gets older they’ll respect her wishes if she says she doesn’t want to go.

I am thank you and much happier. Only regret is I didn't do it sooner. Some mothers can be very territorial & threatened when their son’s meet a female and this comes out in a passive aggressive way. Luckily my brother married a feisty strong woman as my DM is a total nightmare.

yes this is how it’s felt for me.

i dont believe eldest will ever have a choice to be honest. They are not very ‘child led’. The two eldest were distraught the night before i had to hand them over.

My exs DPs are like this, add in another language to make me feel even more of an outsider.
Cant stand any of them, massive bunch of codependent weirdos 🤣 irony is they don’t actually like each other either!

Actually as much as folks are rushing in to say you’re right, you don’t actually tell us what they’ve done wrong, other than they are too much for you and ttoo full on.

i suspect this is just different personality types and family types, you are maybe introverted and they are loud and brash.

the marriage is over, there is no need to ruminate as it must be years now as the divorce is final. Just move on.

How old are the oldest dc? Because if there isn't a court order, then they aren't legally (or morally) obliged to go. They should have some autonomy depending on their age.

Ive said lots in subsequent posts i think

Crikey! Can relate

Eldest is 10

Tricky at that age, I think. Is it just one holiday annually or frequent trips away?

Sounds like my ex. As your kids get older, you’ll find they will choose not to see them very often.