I hate going on holiday with husband and his family

[livelyparsnip]

Married with 3 children.

i want to know if Im being unreasonable about the following.

husband has a large immediate family, siblings and mother. And they’re all very attached to each other. Husband will call his mother every day on the way home from work and stand outside the house talking to her before coming in to see me (I find this very difficult, it feels as though he has a private life with his family that I am not allowed to see or hear). They don’t live nearby but I always welcome them coming to stay for weekends, I cook and clean and make them welcome, but I feel like I lose the children entirely when they arrive, his family seem to engulf everything, they overshadow me and feel very controlling and overwhelming. I feel as though there are invisible tentacles strangling me.

anyway, it is expected that we go on holiday with them every year to a resort. The same thing happens. I feel panicky when they’re around and I feel a huge urge to protect myself and my children from husbands family. It’s hard to explain but there are no boundaries at all and any gentle boundaries i try to establish come across as me being unreasonable and controlling.

i want to know what this sounds like?

for full disclosure, I am now divorced from this man (this was not the only reason this happened, there was plenty of other stuff) but Im plagued by memories of this kind of thing and I want to know if it sounds like I was the problem, or was he? I never told him how I felt about his family, because it didn’t feel possible.

This really resonated, thank you. Especially the golden child thing - my ex was exactly this. And very keen to keep the peace for his mum’s sake. So I was left without a voice.

I think your DC need to know they don’t have to go on this holiday…

Your ex-husband's family sounds as though they were all totally enmeshed to an extreme extent leaving no room for outsiders which is how they viewed you and presumably other people that married into the family.

Is your life better now that you are no longer with your husband? How often does he have the children?

I do encourage them to tell their dad how they feel (they tell me they can’t do that) and I ask them if they ever want me to talk to him (he would also decide I have manipulated the kids and so doesnt listen to anything I say). Beyond that it’s pretty difficult to manage. I don’t believe they have a terrible time when they’re away but they do have to perform a lot and take on the management of his and his family’s emotional well-being.

Yes thats it.

things are orders of magnitude better for me, other than missing my children and worrying about, well all of it to some extent.

That sounds quite concerning. Once children reach a certain age, even if custody arrangements have been agreed, I don't think the court would enforce this if the child was old enough to make a reasonable decision about spending time with their dad and were able make their wishes clear.

Could you take legal advice?

I think you are definitely part of the problem since you didn’t discuss it with your husband at all. How could he possibly address a problem he didn’t know existed?

You were definitely not the problem. That family dynamic is suffocating. I’m glad you are out of it .

How are you and the kids now ?

Have you had any counselling after the divorce ?

Yes, I didn’t say anything, and now that I feel stronger I wish I could go back and address it. However, at the time it did not feel safe for me to do this. It just wouldn’t have gone well.

Thank you x

i think we are better, but I am still heartbroken i can’t fully save them from it. My rationale was that I could never leave him because id not be able to protect them when I wasn’t there. However what I’ve realised (through therapy - yes Ive had some!) is that I couldn’t protect them while I was IN it, I.e in the family system. The best thing I could do was to leave and show them that there were other ways to live. So at least now they have a balanced view of things. Daddy’s family is one way, and mummy’s is another.