Am I unreasonable for stopping loans when my friend spends elsewhere?

[Twistedmushroom]

On several occasions now I have lent a friend money. She does struggle to fund her 2 kids and the money was lent to her for them to buy food and nappies. Obviously I have no control over that money once I’ve handed it over, but this is the reason I’ve wanted to help and the reason she said.

lately I’ve noticed that she has started to spend money (mine) on things like wine for friends, or taking out friends kids out and paying. She then ends up asking for more as obviously runs out for the kids. She has paid the money back but it’s now becoming a cycle of me lending so she can appear to impress other friends. I’m not really ok with this. She asks to lend for kids so in my opinion it should go on them as she isn’t being truthful to me. Im not really interested in lending so she can buy alcohol and days out with other people.

Am I being a bitch?

You know YANBU and you know if she is buying wine for friends it would be most appropriate to buy it for you, as a thank you for all the loans.

ime this kind of 'friend' goes berserk and blocks you when you cut them off so get your £ back FIRST then cut her off

Of course you're not. Just tell her that you have decided you can't afford to do this any more. She's not a friend, she's using you.

She will call you all the names under the sun, slag you off to all and sundry, and go off to find someone else she can use as a doormat instead. And that will tell you exactly what sort of person she is.

Tell her an emergency loan was not ideal, but fine.
It's now becoming routine, so you're stopping the borrow/ payback cycle.

Who on earth would think you unreasonable? If she asks again say no.

I would simply say that you’re not financially in a position to lend next time she asks and say that you’ve got some unexpected bills to pay, then fob her off with the same the next time. She will then stop asking.

My H told me it’s none of by business what she spends in on.

It sounds like she's using you as a free overdraft service. One that she's not really appreciative of, otherwise you'd be getting the days out and wine etc.
Eventually she'll stop paying you back. She'll probably engineer a falling-out first.
Get out now and let the other friends take over the overdraft service.

Also, you don't need to convince her that your reasons for stopping are good enough, so don't get drawn into explaining yourself. Just keep it short and vague. Once she's repaid everything she owes say "thanks, that's us even now" and say no if she asks again

He's right, it is none of your business. But your money is your business and you don't have to lend it if you don't want to.

Just blame the COL crisis.

it Doesn’t matter what she wants or needs it for - you can say no , or no I can’t at the moment if you want it to sound softer , anytime you like

@Twistedmushroom I would say she's taking advantage of your good nature, good on you for having the heart to help her out in the first place and to be fair you did say she'd paid you back which shows she probably values your friendship, i think if you're prepared to lend someone money you have to be prepared for them to spend it their way whether you like it or not, i guess you have to make the decision for yourself whether to continue to give her loans. If you do choose to continue just make sure you always get it back otherwise that's gives off a completely different message.

Course it is. It's your money. You choose to loan it for specific purposes.

Just say with CoL rising, you can't afford to loan. Or say you have just loaned a large sum to a family member and that has cleaned you out for a couple of years until it is repaid. Watch her sidle off into the sunset if there's no handouts for years.

If she needs food there's food banks. Buy her nappies -only if you can afford to- if you want, but don't give her cash.
Offer to hold her hand if she hoes to speak with a debt advisor at CAB

Even the bank asks you what your loan is for. Does he really think there is no difference between “lend me £50 to buy milk and nappies” and “lend me £50 to play Foxy Bingo”?

That’s it. I’m happy to loan so the kids get what they need. But they aren’t and as soon as I get it back she needs it again because she has spent it on someone else. I would not loan money if she came to me and said I want to take out a friend’s kids and I would like to borrow.

Not stop loaning money as she needs to sort her life out. Not your job to subsidise her.

Why does she rely on you so much?

You’re not a bitch. Say no if it’s bothering you

I had a similar situation with someone borrowing - but there were no children involved. They used to say they needed it for food or electricity and I felt it was hard to refuse. But eventually I realised two things - it was always late in the evening (which made me wonder about the food) and as soon as they paid it back, they borrowed it again. So that £30 /£40 /£50 - it was always theirs, never mine. In the end I had to stop it - I think I said I had to start paying for something else in my family, can't remember. No matter what other people say, you aren't obliged to lend this woman money - let those other people put their hand in their pocket if they feel so strongly.

There is no real dad involved. I really just wanted to help. But I feel it’s gone a bit weird.
I feel I’m helping her lifestyle to make other friends.

The thing is, now that you know the pattern, if you continue giving her money then you really only have yourself to blame.
If you find it difficult to be assertive then it may be useful to read some articles and practice a few phrases ahead of time.
"I'll need to think about that" can be a good one.

First get the money back, & then say never again.
She's taking the piss.

I think she’s using it to try and make new friends, which I understand but not with the money I lent for kids. I won’t anymore.

It is the OP's business. She was only lending the money at all to help the 'friend' buy food and nappies for her dc.

If that friend then decides to spend it on something totally unnecessary, then the loan was never needed for its original purpose, was it?

Your H is a twat.

I think the same and the only thing I’d be concerned about is whether I was as certain as I could be that she could afford to repay. Having said that, just tell her it you can’t do it. You have done her a big favour already, so don’t feel bad about it.