Am I unreasonable for stopping loans when my friend spends elsewhere?

[Twistedmushroom]

On several occasions now I have lent a friend money. She does struggle to fund her 2 kids and the money was lent to her for them to buy food and nappies. Obviously I have no control over that money once I’ve handed it over, but this is the reason I’ve wanted to help and the reason she said.

lately I’ve noticed that she has started to spend money (mine) on things like wine for friends, or taking out friends kids out and paying. She then ends up asking for more as obviously runs out for the kids. She has paid the money back but it’s now becoming a cycle of me lending so she can appear to impress other friends. I’m not really ok with this. She asks to lend for kids so in my opinion it should go on them as she isn’t being truthful to me. Im not really interested in lending so she can buy alcohol and days out with other people.

Am I being a bitch?

A bank is the same, they deal with whether you pay it back or not. But I’m a person and she is making me feel used and lied to. Friends don’t lie to each other. When I hear a sob story about not having enough to buy this for the kids and I spot them buying alcohol and gifts for other people it’s ruining the friendship. I won’t be lending anymore, I’ve decided that. I can’t permanently fund her as I’ve my own children.

Just don’t lend again in future.

Ive had this myself. Lent friend a significant amount of money for a bill. I made it clear I needed it back in 2 installments over the next 2 paydays as we had our family holiday to pay for (it was quite literally the entire amount I’d saved for our holiday or indeed my half of the holiday payment - though DP and I do have a separate joint savings account additionally but I couldn’t have lent it her from that)

She didn’t pay it back on either payday. 6 months later I eventually lost my shit when she had 2 full arm tattoo sleeves done!!!! DP absolutely hit the roof when he found out as I’d had to confess I’d lent her money at this point

I demanded she paid the entire lot back at the next payday - I was beyond caring if this left her short as I’d already had to go into debt to cover the holiday payment

Oh gosh this stuff is maddening.

I've two similar - a former 'friend' was always hitting me up for loans then dragging out the repayments and generally very sneaky and manipulative around money. We bumped into an acquaintance at the supermarket, her card was being declined and she was rummaging around for cash. My friend charged over and insisted on paying for the lot. Hugs and tearful gratitude. When the woman left my friend turned to me and said she would no longer be able to repay me till the following payday. I can't remember if she did or not, she always left me a little short, a little late and manipulated some other stuff at my expense in the meantime. Absolute bitch.

Years before that I lived with my ex and he was very stressed as he had to attend an overseas wedding but was waiting for payment from a client and didn't know who he'd pay for the hotel room. I took a lump sum out and gave it to him to cover him for emergencies. I told him he could give it back to me the following week when client paid, I just needed it in time for my holiday with my best friend. He arrived back having been treated to a hotel room and all expenses paid by the very wealthy father of the groom. He had also bought himself a new guitar with my money! He then didn't tell me when he had been paid, I reminded him I had to pay for my holiday and he said he would give me 'some' money but there were bills to be paid that were more important than my going on the piss. Wanker.

Your H is right in the sense that once you hand over money to someone you cannot dictate how they spend it. But you can decide whether to lend them money in the first place.

Rather than get into a nasty row I would do as some PP up-thread have suggested. You have some unexpected expenses and are really short this month so you are unable to help. Then back off and drop the rope without feeling guilty. Resist any attempts at emotional blackmail or tall tales of how her children have nothing to eat. She can borrow from her other friends or present at a food bank.

It’s annoying you now so I’d tell her I’m no longer going to act as her emergency bank.

She spunking money away and knows your the default ATM
Nah withdraw that facility.

Just tell her you won’t lend her cash but will buy whatever she needs for the kids and she can repay that

You are not being a b.

Just say no, next time she asks you for money and you do not owe her an explanation either.

If her constant asking for loans is making you feel uncomfortable then you have every right to ask her what it’s for . But you CAN see through her and you know she’s taken you for a mug . Stop the lending .

Just tell her you can’t afford to loan her any money as you’ve got a big night out planned and all your free spends are going on rounds of wine for your friends! Surely she will understand that.

YABU for continuing to lend it to her in the first place. If she is struggling that much to need food and nappies, she needs to be referred to a food bank instead of owing a debt to a friend.

Just stop lending it and say it is for another reason. Tell her that you have no spare cash or have already loaned money to someone else. Otherwise you will end up falling out and I'm not sure that you want to do that. If I'm wrong and you don't care then say whatever you like!

Suggest she gets a food bank referral or speaks to Citizens Advice for financial assistance/advice. Then every time in the future she asks for money, ask her how she went with Citizens Advice.

I can see your husband's point that if you lend her money because she's struggling financially in general, you can't really police how she uses it. She may have different priorities than you, so you either lend it to her and trust her to be responsible or don't lend.

That's not the situation here, though, because she is asking you for each loan for a specific purpose and then it sounds like she's asking for the same again because the stated need has still gone unmet even though the money's gone. If she asks for £20 to buy Charlie a new pair of gym shoes but spends that £20 on wine and then mentions again that Charlie needs gym shoes, it's perfectly legitimate and normal to ask what happened to the first £20.

But it may just be easier to tell her you've lent what you can and cannot afford any more. And to tell her you won't be able to lend in future even once she's paid you back, no explanation required.

It is infuriating when this happens. I lent money to a friend as her pet needed quite costly surgery and she couldn’t afford to pay upfront as although she had insurance the company wouldn’t pay out until completion of the surgery. I told her I was happy to bridge the gap and wait until then. Well she certainly took me at my word as having been reimbursed by the insurance she immediately booked a holiday abroad and I didn’t get my money back for a further six months.

Sounds like you've become the convenient "Bank of Twistedmushroom".

As everyone else says, just tell her you can't afford to play that role any more.

The difference between you and the bank is that they are in it to make money. You, on the other hand, don't really want to lend money out, it's not a business, it has no upside for you. You do it because you don't want her kids to go without. But you're not getting that out of it. So stop.

(you're also not helping her kids in the long term. She is spending money she doesn't have on things she doesn't need - it's a vicious cycle and you are enabling it).

When she pays back the loan, tell your friend that you really found it tight going and thanks for paying it back promptly.

Then the next time say - NO, I can only spare 20.
Never lend her more than 10 or 20.

Sometimes say NO, sorry.
Let her down gently if she is your friend.

Just stop. You aren't actually helping her long term.

She needs to find a way of budgeting thst alloes her to l8ve within her means and if she can't manage it she needs assistance from Citizen"s Advice or a money management service.

I've had people like this in my life. I got tired of being used and started setting boundaries. I began replying to her requests for grocery money by TELLING her "I'm glad to help, and I'm going grocery shopping today, text me what you need and I'll drop it off. If today doesn't work, I can do it Thursday or Friday. It stopped the requests.

I agree with @Vaxtable Don't lend her cash anymore, just ask what she needs for the kids, and you'll buy it directly and she can owe you the money.

Of course you are not a bitch.
She is using you for free money to indulge herself and not using the money as intended.
I think you should tell her that you are no longer able to support her and she will have to look elsewhere.
She is not a true freind

How nice of him. He can lend to her then.

This is what I feel, I’m enabling something. I feel I’m being manipulated into something. When I hear the, I’m going to have to pawn something or I can’t feed my kids this week I feel bad. But then I’ll see her handing over presents etc and I feel a mug. I think my empathy is getting the better of me. She always needs a lot of help and something is telling me she enjoys the help. I don’t think this will change and if not me she will find someone else.

Nope. She’s not actually repaying you if she’s borrowing straight away again. You need to just tell her it’s not possible to keep continuing lending her money, as you didn’t realise it would be a continuous cycle. Tell her she’ll need to budget better within her means.

You need to stop hearing 'I can't feed my kids' and hear 'I've spent all my money on fun stuff, so I expect you to pay for my kids food' because that's what she's doing and what people like this often do.

Also, when people start asking friends for money, it's almost always the case they've already got in a mess/been refused loans from banks, places like Klarna and close family like parents, so they're expanding the circle wider.

Just say no, that she needs to stop using you like a bank and prioritise her money like an adult. If she doesn't have enough money for essentials, she needs to get professional advice, otherwise she needs to start putting her DC first instead of her lifestyle.