Am I unreasonable for stopping loans when my friend spends elsewhere?

[Twistedmushroom]

On several occasions now I have lent a friend money. She does struggle to fund her 2 kids and the money was lent to her for them to buy food and nappies. Obviously I have no control over that money once I’ve handed it over, but this is the reason I’ve wanted to help and the reason she said.

lately I’ve noticed that she has started to spend money (mine) on things like wine for friends, or taking out friends kids out and paying. She then ends up asking for more as obviously runs out for the kids. She has paid the money back but it’s now becoming a cycle of me lending so she can appear to impress other friends. I’m not really ok with this. She asks to lend for kids so in my opinion it should go on them as she isn’t being truthful to me. Im not really interested in lending so she can buy alcohol and days out with other people.

Am I being a bitch?

It’s not the lifestyle that bothers me. If the money went on taking the kids out then ok but it’s going on things for other people. In a way she is helping out other people with the money I’ve lent. I find that weird!

You can say no but tbh, the fact that she always pays you back would mean I would just lend it. Is she not embarrassed though? I can't imagine asking my friends for money. I'd rather go without.

It’s not your responsibility and I know you’re doing it to be kind but in the long run it isn’t going to help your friend. She needs to learn and find a way to provide for her kids

You're not helping to feed her children. You're helping her to fund gifts etc for her friends.

If she stopped doing that, she'd likely be able to feed her children.

@Bjorkdidit exactly op is not responsible for her friends financial irresponsibility.
I bet she'd disappear if the cash ain't forthcoming.

She’s using you as her own personal bank, just stop. “sorry susan won’t be able to lend anymore money. Please don’t ask me again.” Simple.
I had a friend exactly like this, oh the kids needs nappies, oh they need food and then would go out and piss it up the wall I would rarely get the money back either. So I stopped and she doesn’t speak to me anymore, literally just walks past me. Says it all!

Personally I would not lend money to a friend unless they were actually desperate.

This. Why doesn't he lend her the money if he's that laid back about it?

Well he said I chose to lend it so I can’t do anything about what she spends on and to just not lend. He is right really. I just felt awful when I hear the kids can’t have something and I feel a little manipulated which is what he doesn’t understand. He is matter of fact and I’m much more empathetic. I have reached the end now, I won’t be lending.

She's a CF. You're right to cut her "loans" off. Though I suspect you won't see her for dust after you do.

Yes, but you only chose to lend it because you thought she was desperate and couldn't feed her children or buy nappies. That's the only reason you lent her the money in the first place. If she chooses not to spend it on what you intended and pisses it up the wall instead, you have every right to feel taken advantage of, and to stop lending her any money.

I asked for my loan back as it was over due and fair play she gave it back. She really needs talking to about her priorities really. Buying stuff and trying to impress other people should be at the bottom of her list. Trying to gain some self sufficiency should be at the top. I don’t think it’s a conversation that would go well so I’m just backing out of my part by not lending money.

I asked for my loan back as it was over due and fair play she gave it back. She really needs talking to about her priorities really. Buying stuff and trying to impress other people should be at the bottom of her list. Trying to gain some self sufficiency should be at the top. I don’t think it’s a conversation that would go well so I’m just backing out of my part by not lending money.

Once you've got your money back dont loan any more.
If you really want to help then buy some groceries for her. No doubt she'll object to that and want the cash. And if you still refuse to give cash she'll call you all sorts. Give another sob story or block you.
She is not a friend and I seriously doubt the children are going hungry. She sees you as a cash cow and is living it up on your money with her 'new friends '

problem is she knows that she can spend willy-nilly as when she runs out you will lend her some more, she is then stuck in the cycle of running our of money and then needing a loan but paying back the loan means she runs out of money again.
Constantly bailing her out is not helping her in the long run, she needs a month or two of having to scrape by to realise she needs to adjust her spending to suit her income.

I do find it odd on here when people talk about friends constantly borrowing money - I think there has probably only been a handful of time when I had to 'borrow' money and that is only maybe if I have forgotten my wallet, or somewhere doesn't take cards etc and then I have paid it back straight away.

I’ve got a feeling it may be attention seeking.

Oh well I have definitely become out of favour since asking for my last loan back. Having gone from very good friends she is now arranging play dates behind my back and making sure my kids aren’t invited. Actually down right lying to my face that they aren’t happening when they are.What an absolute bitch. The red flags were definitely real.

I'm sorry that you're in this situation. At least you know for sure now and can start prioritising other friends. And also that you got your money back.

I don’t seem to be a very good judge of character when it comes to friends. How do you really know someone’s intentions are good.

It's difficult, but if you tend to have been a giver rather than a taker in the past, I think we need to slow down and be less helpful when meeting new people. It can be hard to find the balance. I think the takers maybe move on easily to find fresh targets.

I just take people at face value. You get what you see with me and I have not seemed to learn that other people are not always like this. I think I’m just gullible. People lie an awful lot and there is a lot of stuff going on underneath that I just don’t have myself. Too complicated, I might just give up bothering as I seem to get hurt quite a lot.

Why are you giving cash? If she needs food and nappies, tell her you will help her with a food bank and maybe buy a packet of nappies. If it's to top.up.the electric meter, tell her to ring her energy company for the hardship thing.

Never give cash.

If you want it to stop. Start asking her for a loan. She'll find someone else to leech off to feed her low self esteem.

Exactly! And if he was laid up, and gave you/his mate, whoever, £30 to bring him some food, is it ok for that person to spend it on a bottle of wine, instead?
My gran used to get vouchers for fruit/veg for kids, and one of the people who got them tried to spend it on vodka. Understandably all the mums were shocked because they were supposed to be for the kids!
If you give/loan money, and are upfront it is for x, that should be respected, because it wasn't unconditional. If you choose to just gift someone money, that's completely different.

Don't give up being empathetic to people. Us empathetic people need as many around us as possible. Just become a little wiser. ❤

But she told you the money was for a specific purpose, whic it didn't go to so I think it is your business.