Am I unreasonable for stopping loans when my friend spends elsewhere?

[Twistedmushroom]

On several occasions now I have lent a friend money. She does struggle to fund her 2 kids and the money was lent to her for them to buy food and nappies. Obviously I have no control over that money once I’ve handed it over, but this is the reason I’ve wanted to help and the reason she said.

lately I’ve noticed that she has started to spend money (mine) on things like wine for friends, or taking out friends kids out and paying. She then ends up asking for more as obviously runs out for the kids. She has paid the money back but it’s now becoming a cycle of me lending so she can appear to impress other friends. I’m not really ok with this. She asks to lend for kids so in my opinion it should go on them as she isn’t being truthful to me. Im not really interested in lending so she can buy alcohol and days out with other people.

Am I being a bitch?

You are not helping her or her children, you’re enabling cycles of poor money management. It’s time to get tough and say no to lending money but yes to budgeting advice (only if she”s open to it).

And she knows that you wouldn’t lend to her if she said she was having a day out on your money which is why she uses the children needing something as her reason for wanting it
it’s not your responsibility so start saying no
does she currently owe you money?

My children have continued to ask to play with them. It’s sad because they don’t understand why we’ve been dropped suddenly. I think she is a terrible person who actively created a bond between the kids so that she could use me. I am considering changing my youngests school to another one just as close. She starts primary next year and I don’t think I want to face this person for several years and share a class. I’m probably being dramatic but I don’t want to be around her.

Sorry OP. Would the school change mean you'd have kids in 2 different schools? She sounds highly manipulative, I don't blame you for not wanting to see her everyday.

Well now you're seeing her true colours, I'm sorry, @Twistedmushroom. It's not nice to realize that you've been taken advantage of.

What jumped out at me too was that surely her family would help if she really needed food and nappies for her children, grandparents, for example?

No just one. I don’t think I can face an entire school life with this person. I don’t think this will be the last as there is definitely a pattern of behaviour. I hate awkwardness so really like to avoid and I worry some strange target will be on my child and she’ll be bullied or pushed out. Something strange about it now. I won’t be lending to people again I don’t think.

The family is completely broken so there isn’t anyone. I don’t know the story but now I’m starting to doubt it.

She’s using you.
The first post nails it, get your money back then end this “friendship”

Neither a borrower or lender be 🤷‍♀️

Lending her money just enables her poor choices.

I had this many years ago. A friend too skint too be able to feed her kids sufficiently (she said). I wasn't flush for cash at the time myself, but had cupboards and a freezer full of food so offered her some of that. She gladly accepted and I went round with a couple of big bags of various foodstuffs and on the way I picked her up some milk and bread. Not perfect but enough to get them through maybe a week and leaving me enough to still feed my family with a few supplemental bits picked up.

She made me a brew and we chatted before she said Thank you, this means I can put so much money on her gas and electric, and money for something else positive (can't remember what) and enough cash to get a big bottle of vodka for Tina coming over shortly..... Erm sorry what? She then basically said she would have to get going (in other words gently asking me to leave) so she could get sorted for her mate to come over and they could sit n get drunk!!!!

I said I thought you were totally skint, that's why I just brought all this over! She said she is but she's enough that she can afford to do this now. I pointed out I didn't have enough to do that as I'd have to supplement myself a little after trying to help her, but she saw nothing wrong in her actions and didn't even invite me to stay and join them!!

I didn't do it again. It's not nice to be made to feel a twat when you've tried to help someone!

I think if you can change schools for your dd, and it’s just as convenient and you think it will suit your dd’s needs and she’ll be happy, then it might be for the best. Last thing you need is bitching cliques of your “friend” x10, huddled around and whispering etc, every time you do drop off/pick up, and kids being told not to play with yours. Unfortunately, as you have found, there are people like this. It’s so unnecessary and such a waste of time and energy.

If it’s still local then there should be new children who live nearby that your dd will become friends with. I would caution to just not get too close to any of the other mothers there, tbh. At least keep your guard up and become cynical. Just be polite and friendly chit chat if you like, but don’t risk becoming a target.

I understand you found it hard watching your friend struggle though, and you wanted to help her children. As soon as you got a whiff of her taking the piss but still wanted to help I’d have just offered to buy her some nappies and a few essential basics for the kids to eat. But you know full well she wouldn’t have been happy accepting that. But you’ve learnt something now and as shitty as it was it’s just a way to make you grow and change, so see it as a positive now and move on. You’ll be much more aware the next time you come across a pisstaking chancer you’ll have your antennae up and ready. No point holding onto the resentment because it’ll only affect you, not her. She doesn’t give a crap, and so now don’t give her a seconds more thought.

It is if she’s specifically asking for it for her children because it means she’s exploiting you if it’s going elsewhere.

Good advice. I was feeling a bit mad at the injustice. But you are right it won’t affect her it just ruins my mood. The moving of schools would be easy, just as close and it has been a choice for a while as I wasn’t too impressed with the school when my eldest was there. They won’t be in the school together so it won’t matter, I was just hoping both kids went through the same school but I’m happy to swop.

It’s sad that it has to make me a harder person but I do need to learn as I always see the best in people. Like you say it’s all so unnecessary and I don’t really understand why someone has the need but it appears they just do.

Yeah, I think most “normal” people, who see (or wants to see) the best in others will naturally assume that they’re decent and want to help. Thats entirely natural, but I do think that ever trying to work out how, or why, people can treat others like that will always be difficult because you’re not the same, and I think we’d just drive ourselves mad trying to work out the why? It’s like no one can ever comprehend the mind of a psychopath because our brains could never in a million years be able to think that way and work it out. Obviously I’m not saying your “friend” is a psychopath (probably, but watch out if you have any bunnies 😆), it’s just an exaggerated example of how sometimes you will just never understand shitty behaviour, and that’s because you’re not a shitty person. And that’s a good thing 😄 If any of that makes sense??
I hope the school change (will they be starting sept 27, or is there also a nursery attached?) will go smoothly and you can just ignore her behaviour now. Might take a bit of practise, but you will definitely get to the point where even her presence is no longer even apparent to you at all. You sound like a kind and caring person, so I’d imagine (hope) that you do have genuine and kind friends around you, and I think now you’ll just notice the red flags that much quicker if ever in a similar situation again. Good luck 🤗
eta to say other people will see what she’s like, maybe not initially, but they will. And she will likely already have the next friend(s) lined up for the next time she wants free money! Thankfully it won’t be you!

Thank you. I am trying not to take it personally. It is sad though as it was good whilst it lasted. I thought I found a similar but now I feel she was just projecting me back onto me. I have heard her talking to these other ladies and she is totally different, change of personality. I have other friends but this was (and now I can see a red flag) intense, sort of daily and all the time! It’s left a bit of a hole and I’ve realised I’ve neglected other things. Weird space to be in!

I had this from a friend

She'd ask to borrow £20/30/40 'for the kids,if i cant borrow the money,theyll go hungry'

She knew I'd been a skint single parent myself (she had a bloke) knew the struggle (both on benefits) and also knew I'm a soft touch

She would borrow money and pay it back before borrowing it again

She borrowed £140 in dribs and drabs and swore blind she'd pay me back as soon as they came back from holiday (she claimed her dad had paid for them to go)

Never heard a thing from her when they got back-in fact she started a smear campaign against me

Turned out,she was deliberately underfeeding her two dc (she was well fed),making money from breeding her cats over and over again (£50 for a domestic moggy,but no vet care for the queens) buying herself crap like scented candles and hair extensions and I'd been working damn hard to pay for her blokes weed habit (that £140 was almost two shifts worth of work)

They broke up,she moved house (and shifted her new bloke into through the front door while shoving the old bloke out of the back door) and had two more babies to new fella

Turned out she'd not spoken to her father in years so my £140 was her spending money for a day or two and she knew she'd never pay me back

Never again-i will never lend money again

She is finding it hard to borrow money as she's running out of mugs to borrow from (mainly because I spoke to the queen gossip at her dcs school and left her to do the work)

I know what you mean. When you just seem to “click” with someone, especially if that doesn’t happen that often, and you genuinely seem to be friends. But that intensity can definitely be a red flag (often easier to see in hindsight!), if it was a romantic relationship I guess it could be compared to a form of lovebombing, and the whole mirror/projecting back to you that makes it seem as a kind of “god this person gets me, we’re spookily similar”. The way she speaks to these other women now, being so different, makes it even clearer now about what type of person she is, imo. She’s like a chameleon, being what she sees other people need her to be, with what seems like just one end goal. Just know, now that you have all that time and energy back that she took occupied, you can use that for other things and other people.
I realised years ago - after the end of a relationship, that was because of reasons/situations that couldn’t be changed - and so where it didn’t finish because it went bad, iyswim, that perhaps some people are just in your life for a reason. In that case I did realise after that actually that did change me, and my life, in a really good way, so although it was sad I never wished it didn’t happen. Sometimes the lessons you learn are negative and sometimes they’re positive, but I do think that overall the experiences do change us and in some way help us, even if it just feels absolutely horrid at the time. Sometimes friendships ending can be like a relationship ending. Although the warning about getting too close too quickly, especially with someone intense and also - physically -close reminds me of someone I know who had a habit of getting really friendly with their neighbours. It always ended up badly. One even set fire to their (the person I know) house! So, yeah… 😱I mean, that’s an extreme example 😂

Whats the end goal?

Well I guess with people like her - in my experience and your situation, for example - the end goal would be to benefit themselves in some way, like money, with others it could be anything from free childcare to work contacts. I think some people just see relationships as transactional and for some kind of gain. The best outcome after something like this finishes is that they just leave you alone and latch on to the next person (I can’t imagine there would be very many who tries to set fire to your house, like the person I knew years ago. Thankfully! 😄)

I wonder if she's started asking any of her 'new' friends to lend her some money yet.

I don’t know. But she is getting something, her fill of chaos, her stepping in to save the day….rinse and repeat. Must make her tired.