Unless you can be brutally honest with your therapist, Poet, then going to therapy may do more harm than good, as she affirms your 'head in the sand' framing of it being a difficult relationship with a demanding husband, instead of what it is – an abusive relationship where your husband has most recently told you he wants to rape you, and then has followed through on that statement. Where you are having to fight and struggle for every scrap of bodily autonomy, and avoid getting raped.
Why do you think he mentioned rape to you, Poet? As I see it, that was him both taking the opportunity to sadistically put fear into you, but more importantly, it was him escalating, and testing what you'll accept.
This is the way I see his thought process working, based off what you've said of him, Poet:
"She's been difficult lately. Crying, refusing me, seeing a therapist, getting ideas put in her head. She's bucking the status quo, and I have to bring her back into line before it gets out of hand.
I'm pissed off and frustrated, so I'll tell her I'll rape her if I don't sleep down here – I can pass it off as a 'well, that's what you call it – either way, I'm doing what you want, aren't I?' if she challenges me...but her reaction will show me how to handle her.
If she just takes it, then I'll know that she's aware that's how things work under the surface in our relationship – I get what I want when I want it – and I'll go ahead and actually do it at my friends', to really drive it home.
If she takes that too, and doesn't leave me, then I'll know that while she might fuss and complain sometimes, and say no to me more than she used to, requiring a little extra handling and a little more anger to put her on edge and keep her in line, but at the end of the day I can still rape her pretty much whenever I want, and she'll just take it."
This is going to be the sort of thing he's thinking, Poet. This man is not your husband, he's your ENEMY. He's not someone you can do couple's counselling with, because he doesn't see you as an equal partner in the relationship whose opinions, needs, and wants he respects, he sees you as his property who he should be able to do what he likes with. He's not your partner, he's a constant threat.
You say at times he makes you feel like a queen, or calls you the light of his life, but again I have to draw the comparison – you're not an equal human being in his eyes, you're in the role of a prized pet. He might want to fuss over you, or pamper you, but at the end of the day, when he calls you to heel, he doesn't care what you want, he expects you to obey or he'll punish you. When he gets frustrated, he takes his anger out on you. As with a narcissist, the only value you have to him is in the fact that he sees you as belonging to him. You cannot fix this dynamic, only leave, or endlessly try to survive it – and eventually, you'll run out of energy.