MARCH 2026 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

have now set up a new thread as the previous one is now full.
This long runnning thread has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.
The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!
One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;
'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'
Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.
Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.
You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
I started with this book and found it really useful.
Here are some excerpts:
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."
Helpful Websites
Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat for details.
Some books:
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa
This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:
"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."
6

I wanted to feel differently inside, have any of you done that, how?

Maximum I've done it. I fell into it because for various reasons I couldn't work on the outside stuff any more. So, several things...

First, everything that you've achieved with the outside stuff isn't nothing, it counts. It's a huge achievement considering how emotionally damaged you seem to be. So you should to celebrate that even if it feels forced and unnatural, literally give yourself some kind of treat as acknowledgement of what you've achieved so far, you deserve it. That's step one of being kind to yourself. It might feel weird now but being kind to yourself gets easier to do over time.

Second, the process you applied with all the outside stuff, it's the same process for the inside stuff. Make a list of what you need (with a therapist's help if necessary), things like peace, somewhere that feels like home, safety etc. and take baby steps to achieve it.

Third, you do have a starting place for "you", the rage. You've got all your "civilized situations" personas, but the inside isn't totally empty, there's rage and that comes from the true you. You sound like a pressurised container about to explode, so maybe you need to do something drastic like taking a week off work, renting a rage room for a few hours and setting up daily therapy appointments for the rest of the week so you can put yourself back together enough to return to work.

You should probably consider yourself "ill" at the moment, even if you don't feel that's correct, because it'll give you a framework to exist within. So if you had eg glandular fever for 6 months, you wouldn't be trying to carry on as normal. You'd be getting signed off work if necessary, and when you do go to work you'd be coming home and taking it easy as much as possible. You wouldn't be seeing anyone who causes you stress because it'd hamper your recovery. You'd be doing activities you find soothing and that don't tire you out too much. As well as eating healthy, drinking water and getting plenty of sleep. So treat yourself as if you're ill and maybe you'll be able to calm down a bit, through showing yourself the kindness of giving yourself a break and a chance to recover from the all-consuming rage. Literally tell people you're not well and you don't have the energy for socialising right now, or you need a break from them and the arguing with them, or whatever. You don't have to invent an illness you can just say you don't want to talk about it. Your health is your personal business, it's fine not to discuss it with anyone if you don't want to. Cut anything pressurised or stressful to a minimum and add in peaceful things.

When the rage has died down a bit, you can try to look at what other aspects of you there are inside. You've buried yourself and built personas because you needed to to survive, but you're still in there.

As for which good things make life worth it, that comes down to experimenting. You don't know who you are yet (apart from angry) so you need to discover what you like and don't like. It's a big world, something in it will make you smile in your soul, you just have to find what and it might take time and failed experiments to do so.

You might also benefit from both medication and regular therapy, at least until you've stopped feeling like you're going to explode. You sound depressed to me, feeling empty, joyless and all that.

my husband is cruel and scapegoats me himself as he knows he can
I want out of the marriage and he threatened to destroy me

Beloved I'm going to guess this could be the reason for your strained relationship with DD and your friends distancing themselves.

DD I'm guessing has suffered some type of childhood abuse and neglect from having you two as parents. Looks like she doesn't trust you to keep DGD safe, hence the supervised visits. When your DD sees you're away from your husband perhaps you'll be able to build a better relationship with her.

Your friends I'm wondering if they're fair-weather friends and have backed away because maybe you've been (understandably) venting about your husband a bit? For a start I'd join some kind of social group or hobby that's in another town where hopefully people don't know your mum or husband. It's no use trying to be deep friends with people who thinks your mum and husband are lovely because they don't see the bad side of them.

I have babysat my granddaughter so she obviously trusts me. We all dote on the baby. This is a shift since around March time. My daughter actually gets on really well with my husband, another warning sign. My family all knew how my husband treated me and did nothing

@MaximumLeeway in my reading I have learned about inner child work. There is a very angry very traumatised child within you. Right now it’s having a huge tantrum because no one is acknowledging them. We can only go so far before that child driving the car crashes the car because it’s shouldn’t be in charge. I don’t really tell a lot of people but around 10 years ago I had a nervous breakdown from a terrible relationship. It was the ending of me and the beginning of me. The person who I was does not really exist, which is another head fuck to get around. I second what Sam says…this is the time to go maximin on yourself.

This

Came home to a letter advising the opg have applied to the court of protection to remove dsis as poa for both finance and welfare to give the local council powers to investigate and restore the estate so while it is good news my mind is whirling stomach churning I do have ibs anyway about the jargon in the letters what I need to do if anything and what happens next
i presume dsis will have also been informed along with the care home and social services

That's good news spendysis. It must have taken them ages to investigate.

I don't know what difference, if anything, it'll make to your mum. It means your sister doesn't get away with it though. What she's done is serious. She could face police involvement. Social services would have been very interested in getting this investigated because they don't enjoy paying for people's care when the person should be paying for it themselves. I know you've mentioned your mum's not paying for the care home (this is probably because the NHS is paying under continuing care rules due to her dementia) but there may have been other care she was paying for. Everyone will be on your mum's side to make sure she's not being financially abused, which I guess they accept that she is, due to their findings. For you, depending on what your mum's will says, it means you may get some inheritance after all. I'd watch your back, your sis is going to be angry. My stomach would be churning too.

You could make it known to your mum's social worker and the care home that you want to be listed as next of kin for your mum and want to be informed of what's happening with her. That's if you want that. They'll be more likely to make you the go-to person if the other one no longer has POA and has been investigated (and found guilty, at least by OPG) of financial abuse. But if you're NC with both and wanting to stay that way then I'd treat the letter as a courtesy that is just letting you know the outcome of your complaint and do nothing at all.

It just goes to show…raise your kids in a neglectful or narc manner and you will probably end up being abused by said kid or cut off. Hate in the heart, I sometimes think the narcs golden child is worse somehow.

@Spendysis It's good to hear that something is officially being done about your sister. I fear that we could well end up in a similar situation if GB2 manages to persuade Mum to give him POA.
I think you should take some time to really think about what, if any, involvement you want in your Mum's care and finances going forward. I suspect that if POA is officially removed from your sister the care home and social services will not want to deal with her and will be looking for another family member to be their main contact. That's fine if you feel you want to do it, but if it's done properly dealing with your Mum's finances and being the key contact for her care is likely to be time consuming and stressful (especially if it includes sale of her house with your sister potentially still staying there). It would be perfectly reasonable for you to decide that you don't want to do that for someone who was willing to cut contact with you and your DC.
I'm sure you're prepared for your sister to be unpleasant about this but also be wary of other family and friends that you had lost contact with because of this. They may either act as 'flying monkeys' for your sister (probably claiming that she's sacrificed herself to care for your mum and is now being made homeless so you should take pity on her etc) or suddenly want to be friendly like nothing had happened. Some will undoubtedly be worried that if your sister is out of the picture (even if she's allowed to deal with things I doubt she will be very interested now it's been made clear that she can't just treat your mum's finances as her own) they may be expected to step up if you can't be persuaded. I think you would be wise to remember that these people cut you off once so even if they were taken in by your sister I wouldn't trust them. Whatever the relationship was it is now broken and they can't just expect you to pick up where you left off as though nothing has happened. I know it feels appealing when you are still effectively grieving the loss of those relationships but you are not at fault and need to put yourself and your DC first.
Ever since it became undeniable that Mum had dementia, and that GB2 was positioning himself as her carer, I have had calls and messages from a family member who has not spoken to me in decades. She has basically been warning me that GB2 is not to be trusted and wanting my reassurance that I will be watching out for Mum and challenging GB2. At first I was pleased that someone else seems to have the measure of GB2 and when I speak to her I still feel tempted to see her as an ally and friend. But I have to remind myself that she saw how GB1 behaved and just excused it then didn't speak to me for decades (not even a card or text when my children were born) for no stated reason but I suspect because I went NC with GB1. Yet now she wants to position herself as my friend and tell me what I should do- it doesn't take much to see that she probably has her own agenda. I'm not sure what exactly, but I think it probably involves enjoying being vicariously involved in a lot of drama and telling herself she's done her bit for Mum by making sure I look after her. I'm pretty sure that if/when I tell her that I'm stepping away the tables will turn.

@SamAndAnniei don’t know if dm is nhs funded where she has to pay the care home fee but the nursing element is paid or continuous funding so is free i remember being annoyed at the the time i got the email so may have jumped to conclusions dsis had wangled it to get it free but despite saving every single email that is the only one i don’t have

Dmil and her twin sister both had dementia and were self funded as is my neighbour whose house has been sold and the money is / has run out so they are looking to move her to a cheaper care home

i do wonder if this sudden decision by opg is because of dsis no longer renting dm house out and moving in is because of care home fees because nothing else to my knowledge has changed obviously I have no idea what dsis has been doing with dm money and it mentions giving our local council power to investigate and restore the estate surely they are only interested in getting care home fees back

I presume dsis will have got a similar letter to me and have similar forms to fill out although as she has very recently moved she may not of received it yet. Because of how she is she’s compensation queen always got to have an ongoing battle with someone she took her complaint the ceo of Morrisons because there own brand of mops don’t sell replacement mop heads I can literally hear her saying ooh this has happened and I fired off a stonking email they clearly don’t know who they are messing with lol she’s horrendous unhinged

She will be angry but I won’t hear from her she can’t even look at us when we drive past her no idea if she will send one of her flying monkeys I doubt that as she won’t want to admit she been reported

@Spendysis sorry but that mop thing is hilarious. That’s exactly the kind of thing my MIL does. Every little thing she doesn’t get her way turns into a war. It’s bizarre how petty the things are that illicit their emotions. I wouldn’t want to trade places.

It sounds like an interesting development is going on with your sister, maybe she’ll be held to account for some of it at least.

I don’t understand why people aren’t more suspicious in general with these people. Maybe I was like this before but I’ve become a very suspicious person. Narcs so blatantly have messed up families, never tight, always drama. It is clear to see if you just look that something isn’t right. Why people don’t have suspicion and just take people’s word I don’t know. I’m a full on detective now, I want to know who I’m letting into my life. Saying that though in the situation with my MIL another family let slip in conversation that something isn’t quite right. So maybe they do they just don’t have the words to know what.

spendysis your DM will have a social worker. Part of this person's job is safeguarding DM. Restoring the estate and preventing further financial abuse is primarily because that's what's in DM interests and they're duty-bound to safeguard her. Although they won't be able to restore anything if sister has spent it all, you can't get blood out of a stone. But yes, you're right, if they were getting some money towards the care and now they aren't, that will be a big motivational factor from their end to get it all sorted out. OPG is neutral and only concerned with the law, which it's probably blindingly obvious your sister is breaking it.

It's complicated who qualifies for NHS continuing care funding and who doesn't. It doesn't go purely on diagnosis. If someone does qualify for that funding, it hasn't been "wangled" it's something they're genuinely entitled to.

Unfortunately, in a lot of cases, even people who are entitled to it end up not getting it because the NHS don't advertise it exists and don't encourage people to claim it, for obvious reasons. All they want is the bed unblocked and the old person into a care/nursing home ASAP.

Social services sometimes fight for it, if they've the ones otherwise paying and it's not too much hassle. In cases like your mum's where someone else has POA and she's potentially self-funding anyway, social services give far less of a shit about it and also have no power to fight for anything financially for DM because your sister has all the power. All they care is whether the person is adequately housed and whether social services have to pay for it or not.

I wouldn't worry about it. You've already made peace with not getting an inheritance, so really as long as DM has someone watching out for her officially, it's a case of "not your circus, not your monkeys". If you get an inheritance when DM passes it'll just be a bonus to you now and whether it happens or not is basically already decided by circumstances. Any worrying you do, or don't do, isn't going to change anything. There are no actions you can take that will change anything. Other than possibly challenging the will, if it later turns out ithe latest one was made after DM was diagnosed with dementia, but that's a whole heap of hassle and costs with no guarantee of winning, so I don't necessarily recommend it. Your best bet for inner peace is probably to continue to ignore the entire situation. IDK whether your sister might face criminal charges over this, there could be quite a lot of drama if she does and none of it is anything to do with you.

@SamAndAnniethank you. I just have a form to fill out confirming I have received the letter and if I express in interest and why which I do because it dm but apart from that it’s nothing to do with me

dsis has caused this herself through being financially reckless all her adult life and while I don’t particularly want to see her homeless I think i am passed the anger stage she has nobody else to blame but herself as it’s caught up with her now

she and the huge puppy she has bought a few months ago that she can’t walk herself as she uses crutches to walk and the £1000 posh breed cat that she used dm money to buy can kip in her brand new probably heavily financed car she treated herself to 2 weeks ago.

Before moving to dm she’s obviously done work in the bathroom and this week she’s having new fences put in i presume opg etc are looking to sell dm house to pay for her care so just like dsis home improvements I am sure the buyers appreciate it

spendysis It will depend on whether DM is self funding or not as to whether the house will need to be sold at some point. If NHS are paying, nobody is going to give a damn that sis is living in it, only that it remains in DM name. They may make her pay market rent, I suppose, but if DM would realistically have let sis live there for free prior to dementia, then the social worker may let it continue as being just what your mum would have done had she been able to.

You can "register an interest" with land registry so that you're notified if anyone tries to transfer ownership of the property (they can't without your permission basically), if you want to keep an eye out for sis potentially forging a signature or anything. I'm unsure how property transfers go, in general.

Depending on how much trouble she's in, the dog and cat may not be staying. Unless she paid cash, there'll be a trail financially of the purchase coming from your DM money. Animals being property in law and pedigreed pure breds at the stage of first ownership can have significant value, so they could be sold. They could also be seized due to being proceeds of crime. You can't just keep whatever you've obtained illegally if you're prosecuted and found guilty.

But none of that is your business. As you say, your sis caused this mess and now she can deal with the consequences. I'm glad it was investigated and I hope it's brought you some peace now to have officials involved. Takes the pressure of feeling responsible off of you, a bit.

Your sis is awful @Spendysis. She must be living off and drawing your dm pension atleast. I hope she gets caught. Or perhaps she is claiming carers allowance, she must be abusing something.

I’m starting to think that the other 2 kids in the family are being told to keep away from us. I have in the past tried to make plans but they are always turned down. My little unit are the only ones who maintain relationships with all members of my partners family. I don’t do as I’m told and I visit whoever I want and we have good relationships with all (apart from the other sibling). They on the other have a relationship with the parents and that’s that. The SIL has fallen out with all members of her family now also. They are isolated but they don’t appear bothered, it feels strategic.

The parents dictate all their kids friends, all their relationships and given the funny looks the kids give me now they are talking about me. Is this classic narc parent behaviour? Are they afraid their kids will experience other people’s relationships and wonder why they are so controlling?

I’m going to make sure my 2 kids look at their partners family in the future. I know they say you are only marrying your partner and not the family but this is utter shit. Cousins pit against each other, competitive and 10 year olds giving me looks of disgust.

I feel like I am made some real progress with coming to terms with the reality of my FOO, and setting boundaries/refusing to go along with the lies. The comments and advice from everyone here has really helped.
Over the last few weeks I have realised that behaviour I was interpreting as Mum really needing my help and being confused is actually just the same pattern of behaviour that she's been doing when she wants me to comply for as long as I can remember, it's just that with her cognitive decline she is not as good at covering it up. The pattern is this, moving on to the next step if/when I fail to comply:

1. Assume compliance 'We're all helping, so you can do X', or 'He's been stressed, there's no need to make a fuss about a bit of an argument is there'. All very friendly as long as I comply.
2. Emotional blackmail/guilt trip- 'I'm the one this is hurting, why do you want to make it worse', or some variant asking me to help for the sake of GB1's DC or GB2's DC.
3. Blame someone else- claim that the real reason help is needed/I have been treated badly is some third party. In the hope that I will see her/GB2 as the victim and feel I should do as they say.
4. Deflect/blame me- refuse to discuss why I am upset/won't do as they say and instead talk about some small historic thing I did 'wrong' ( either invented/distorted by them or an example of me previously having boundaries). This is the point where things get very unpleasant.
5. Blame someone else for my reaction- usually DH but sometimes friends/MIL/TV etc. I think their assumption is that if I am 'released' from blame for the situation I will feel I could/should change my mind.
6. Shout, threaten, accuse etc. Often a threat to stop communication with me, but followed by constant calls/messages etc.
7. Reinvent the situation so that they can tell themselves and anyone else that finds out things are not good between us that I have been unreasonable from the start, but they know I am under the influence of [DH/friends/etc] so they are willing to give me the benefit of the doubt if I come back in to the fold (ie. do as they say again).

In the past, even when I have stuck to my boundaries, these steps have meant that I kept quiet about what was happening through a feeling of guilt (and not wanting to upset my parents even more by 'outing' the family) and fear that people (especially extended family and family friends, would believe their version of events. I think I'm finally managing to shake those feelings/fears. It's actually been helpful that almost all the members of the extended family/family friends who were contacting me almost daily when they assumed I would take on all Mum's care have not contacted me once in the 6 months since I stepped away a bit. Even though I am still doing a lot for Mum, all but one have not sent so much as a text to ask how I am, or a happy birthday message for me or DC. That's made it clear what our relationship really is and far easier to not care what they think of me.

@formalwellies It sounds like you’re making some real progress. Seeing this stuff for what it is really is the hardest part I think - because you’ve grown up with it, it’s always just “how things are”. You’ve got a really clear, detailed understanding of how they work. And it sounds like your resolve to stick to your boundaries is stronger now.

I haven’t got so far, myself, but reading about DARVO recently has just blown my mind that that was what was happening in all of our disputes that seemed so confusing to me. How could he be saying xyz now, does he really believe that? etc.

I feel like I’ve still got a long way to go before I truly don’t care. My mum called me today and I had a fight or flight response where I was panicking about the fact that she was calling and hoping she wouldn’t be asking to see me. I didn’t answer it. Then I felt bad. But I’ve got to look at why I would feel like that about answering. I’m done telling myself that it’s my problem and I should be nicer or whatever with my family.

@Eeriefairy I know exactly what you mean about the panic when they call. I think part of why you feel this way is not being sure what they will say and fear of how you should/could/would respond to things they might say. I've found it helps to prepare stock responses to things they are likely to say when they call, even if it's just a response that gives you time to think before you give your real answer. Another thing to be aware of is that when you mention 'fight or flight' response the other variant of that is the 'fawn' response. Many of us who have grown up in dysfunctional families have been trained to have this response to deal with potential conflict and basically it involves putting aside our own wants/needs/views and doing whatever it takes to appease and avoid/defuse conflict. I know it has been my default response for a long time and is part of the reason why if I don't prepare responses to these calls I end up agreeing to do things I really don't want to do.
You've reminded me that there is a 'secret' step in my family's pattern that can come at any stage in the process when it seems like I might actually be ready to walk away. This involves my Mum (previously both parents) telling me that I am the only person they can rely on, I've never let them down, they don't know what they'd do without me etc. They will never acknowledge that I have been mistreated, much less apologise for failing to protect me etc but in the past I have felt that this was implied in them telling me this. In the past this has almost always been effective in making me stay and be a bit more compliant. It always baffled me that we would have this discussion then soon after they would be back to claiming that my brothers are wonderful and I am the problem.

I am far from feeling guilt free but also feel sad that it has taken me so many decades to see the truth. It's all harder because Mum really is vulnerable now so I still don't feel I can completely walk away as I should have done years ago. I will be spending today helping her (hence having been up working for a few hours before I go) and I know that some of the steps above will be played out as usual to try to make me agree to do more (for her and for GB2). But I have my responses ready- the usual start point now is to tell me how hard everything is for her and for GB2 so I simply agree that it does sound difficult and I wouldn't want to be in their position which is why I have always suggested paid care for her and paid holiday childcare for GB2's child- then change the subject.

I do have some physical feelings of fear today too as I know GB2 is likely to be around and there is always a chance he will decide to be aggressive (especially as it's school holidays and I have no idea whether he has actually arranged proper child care this time or may be trying to 'encourage' me to do it). Again though, I have a plan which involves leaving at the first sign of any disagreement and as far as I possibly can not being in the same building as him.

@formalwellies Good luck today, and remember that they are lucky you are helping so you don’t need to let them make you feel bad about anything you’re not doing.

Fawn is exactly right. I still sort of feel like that’s what I did by not answering the phone. I was worried about what she might suggest I do and that I wouldn’t know what to say. It made me realise how little I trust them now.

Forms sent off and because i expressed and interest the opg request to the court of protection I was asked to provide s witness statement which I have done. I have no idea was not provided the information as to why opg has applied to the court of protection but I gave my version of events so they can make their own decision

I stated i wanted a 3rd independent party to manage dm finances not me I am capable I work for an accounting firm but i know if dsis isn’t in control it will drive her mad and i feel she will make allegations against me she’s already reported me to the police twice for nothing

@Spendysis that sounds like a very wise move. And a bonus that she might be driven a bit nuts while not being able to hit back at you.

@formalwellies I hope all went well yesterday and your plans of what to do and say worked out. And I hope especially that you managed to stay safe from your brother.