MARCH 2026 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

have now set up a new thread as the previous one is now full.
This long runnning thread has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.
The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!
One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;
'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'
Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.
Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.
You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
I started with this book and found it really useful.
Here are some excerpts:
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."
Helpful Websites
Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat for details.
Some books:
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa
This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:
"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."
6

Once you see it, you can’t unsee it. Unfortunately I think it takes a long time until you finally break. In my case it took a serious physical illness that made me realise that, hang on, surely now they would show some compassion (not even counting on support, etc.). Nope. Why did I let myself get brainwashed until then? If they are so utterly selfish, why did I care? It doesn’t make sense now I have reached the other side and I see it from a distance.

Of course I know why, I was a child, of course you believe your parents. But ime it does take an awful lot of distance first, no contact (I was for a couple of years), or very low contact. To give yourself the chance to make up your own mind about the world. But still, even now, I have to keep my distance, I am very, very low contact, because when I am in contact, my brain goes straight to the old pathways and I feel absolute rubbish again.

My sister had me fooled again. I fell for it again, went on the old pathway with her. She seems decent, and more switched on than my parents. But now she has come out with something again where I think: it’s the same old story. I feel like I can trust her, but then I get a message, and it is all about her benefit again. She listens to my side, but a week later it seems like that talk never happened, and she is trying to change my mind, making out I see things wrong, am making things difficult. I feel manipulated and it makes me feel sick. I fell for it, again, and I can’t afford to any more. This is about big stuff, probate, inheritance, me and my family’s future, and again I have to push back so hard. I want to trust my own sister so hard, but I can’t. She doesn’t see me. It is exhausting to try and make myself seen. Stand up for myself. The constant pushback.

Distance really is the only way to protect yourself. I know it all, have done all the work, and still I get sucked back in.

@Mywhitedress that’s really interesting that you say that about the seeming to come to an understanding and then go backwards. My DSis had this exact dynamic with her abusive ex-husband. He would say sorry, he could see how she would have taken xyz behaviour in a hurtful
way, he would change, blah blah - then it would all go back again. Over and over.

I had this with my dad too. Last year after the big fall out, I thought we had come to an understanding (that included him seeing that he had been wrong about certain assumptions). Then when we had an argument earlier this year, my dad was saying all the same things he’d been saying at the time we fell out - like him admitting being wrong never happened.

He was also at the same time rewriting history over things that happened last year. Going further/making accusations about my DH that I just couldn’t believe what he thought the point was - as if we weren’t all present and I don’t have my own memory of what happened. Then I read about DARVO. And I realised he’s done that (more or less obviously) all my life too.

Anyway, all this is to say - it sounds like it could be typical abusive behaviour? And if that’s the case, I’m sorry to hear that’s how it’s turned out with your sister.

We are wired to care. We are going against wiring. We need to keep a connection to our parents in order to survive childhood as we’d die. Disconnecting to our parents is the most difficult thing to do. Children whose parents die young are left in complete shock. Loosing my mum left me in complete shock, they are your centre of gravity. Imaging being the moon and trying to pull away. We aren’t meant to be doing this, it goes against all our internal wiring, our soul, our DNA and our nature. Imagine you whole body is fighting to stay attached and you trying to pull away, it’s going to hate the resistance.

I feel a bit stupid about myself and my behaviour over the past years. Loosing my mum has left a mum hole in my life. I have searched for this within friendships, choosing wrong friends. I thought my MIL could fill this hole and I’ve been cross with her for not being able to. It’s not her fault she is the way she is, she will never be able to fill this role and really I should not have expected her to. (It would have been nice if she saw me and took me under her wing but she is too jealous). Stupid women to be jealous of someone who would have absolutely loved to be accepted. I have to stop searching now but like everyone on here it’s so desperately hard to. I want to be complete but have to learn to be happy incomplete.

Currently waiting in a&e. Ive got an eye condition that needs checking. I couldnt drive. Needed someone to look after DS as im alone. So my dad is and my mum drove me here. I literally had no one else to ask. Its caused me more stress than its worth.

Firstly i got there and they had a bright uv light for bugs on the table. All I said was to DC please dont tough it or go near it. That is all I said. My parents start huffing and saying im being ridiculous and then they turn it off. I said I didnt ask for it to he turned off just asking my DC to not go near jt. Dad strops off in the living room. Mum drives me to the hospital and is driving like a mad women. Bearing in mind I dont feel great. She is speeding, weaving, braking heavy. I ask her to be sensible and stop. Im met with im being silly.
At the hospital, I tell her about abusive exes texts. She starts sticking up for him. I say he isnt a nice person. She then tells me im so autistic! Well that made me cry and I told her she is being so rude so now shes not talking to me.
Whats the point asking for help when its going to be like this

I don’t know @Eeriefairy. It doesn’t feel like abuse, although it does feel like she is trying to manipulate me, so maybe it is? I think it is more that she is just focused on herself only. Nothing goes in, nothing comes out, as MustIgo (if I remember correctly) said in a pp. At the time of talking, it seemed she was trying to become a bit closer, and she may well want that, but they just don’t have it in them I think, to consider other people. I was just hopeful that she had changed and possibly had therapy or something, and that we could deal with this together, as two adults, but now I feel a massive conflict brewing. She hasn’t replied to my message saying that I am sticking with my choice (about a financial arrangement), and I know she is not happy. My other sister has now taken over and been in touch with me about some other stuff that needs sorting, and it’s a breath of fresh air, it feels like I am talking to a human!

I feel for you @MustIgo, to have lost your mum young. You might have to grief her still, and find a way to give love to yourself, cheesy as it sounds. Nobody else will be able to fill that hole for you, but you seem to be well aware of that (now, recently?) and that is already a big step.

Yeah. I have realised that no one is going to “choose me” or “validate me”, especially above their own people even if they twats because loyalty is very strong. I had an earlier awful relationship and he shouted and swore at me in front of his mum and she didn’t even stick up for me, she stuck up for her son. Seeking validation seems to catch many of us out.

What a horrid experience. This is however text book behaviour.

I am unable to tolerate this anymore. I now will walk away from this behaviour, physically and literally. I had a very similar pattern of behaviour like this from the one remaining person who I must have contact with on some level. I immediately ended the interaction, took them home and did not speak at all. Only to say, I'm not ok with the way you're speaking to me so this is over for now. Bye.

So in this case, in hospital, going forward, I suggest you find a way to be totally independent. I know it's costly, but rather than the parent driving, ask them to pay for a taxi if you can't afford it. I understood ref the child care need. I would leave them to it, don't even speak to them and wait alone in A and E. Your child will be fine , you don't have many choices and just using the childcare element is kinf of necessary atm.

Can you see how much better this would be to do the above in a similar scenario in the future?

I have serious health conditions. I drive myself when able, I have driven myself when it was dangerous to but don't recommend. Other than that, I get a taxi. I would even offer to pay a neighbour over this situation you describe.
My parent is logistically very close - never would I go there again.

Are you able to plan and do the above in this sort of scenario going forward?

They will never ever stop doing this ; belittling you, undermining you, probably gaslight you all your life, undermine you in front of your child ( a huge sign to never allow this any more).

Have you read about grey rocking. It's difficult to just cut them out at the stage you're at. ( Still slightly intertwined and a part of you hoping they'll be kind, caring and not like this. That's why you asked them to take you. We all go through this and have to get burnt over and over and over).

They will never stop doing this. It takes time to come to terms with it.

I’m still around. I was tbry a couple of years ago but name changed. My siblings kicked me out of the family and I have very LC with both of my parents (divorced).

my mental health illnesses have returned and I have dipped. So very low at the moment.

there’s a big birthday coming up for one of my parents this summer. All of my siblings are doing something with the parent apart from me, i spoke to parent on the phone tonight who has been around the siblings and parent is now blaming me for it all and making me feel guilty that I won’t be attending. I’m really struggling.

@MustIgo the broken mirror thing is so true. I have such a deep well of blackness and emptiness because of it. I have a very well developed performance, lots of different characters for every context. Underneath my "true self" is in terror. There isn't really anything inside me that is big enough to take any of the world on. If I don't perform I have only flight, run away and hide, or if trapped, fawn, or more recently, melt down and humiliate myself because I don't have capacity anymore because just surviving the day takes too much now.

I am so angry. I wanted to be fixed. I honestly thought that I could do it. It would work from the outside in. Get the marriage, the house, the kids, the proper job, tick everything off the best I can, it will seep in and I will feel successful, I will feel like a real person. But I don't feel it at all, I feel the exact same inside at 40 as I did at 23 when I lived in hell and had nothing. I sit in work meetings that are supposed to be important with the other senior people and all I feel is rage. I do not feel like a calm, polished professional. I feel like I want to smash my face into a wall, scream, run away. The house is cluttered, I can't relax, I've given up on eating again. I don't want to get out of bed because there is nothing to look forward to in the day. That cannot be true but I can't see it. 23 year old me would kill for this day but I hate everything about it just like I hated my days at 23.

I wanted to feel differently inside, have any of you done that, how?

Had my initial appointment with the therapist the other day and it went really well he agrees he won’t push for reconciliation understands my reasonings. Dsis wont want to either and has agreed that he won’t be reporting what i tell him to ss or the police unless he thinks someone is in danger. I was concerned about this as dsis has stolen from dm before poa was registered with the bank and has financially abused dm but i reported to the bank opg and ss at the time and this is about me dealing with what has happened. This is what has stopped me from seeking help before i understand they have a duty of care if someone vulnerable is being abused but I have done all I can and failed and therapy isn’t going to work if I can’t be honest about what had happened

I have dm care home on Facebook she’s still alive as there was a picture of her recently They posted today the home had a visit from the local pc to talk to them about scams financial abuse had to laugh it’s the same pc who contacted me after ss referred my concerns to the police and he closed the case waiting on opg to do their investigation the same pc who has contacted me twice after dsis has reported me once for having a brief conversation with my neighbour a mutual friend about why we are nc and that friend blocked her and the second time when I was asked by the opg investigator to email the estate agent dsis was renting dm house out through to advise them she would be in touch I did find that a bit odd but I did as she asked and literally copied and pasted her request

I am in a bad place atm. Growing up, I had an emotionally/physically abusive Dad and emotionally absent mum (I believe she is the most dangerous malignant narcissist).
Never fully understood the sick family dynamics until mid life
In this time, I suspect my mother dripped poison into my child’s ear to turn them against me
she was never really interested in my youngest daughter, which is a blessing
I have never had a healthy intimate relationship in my life
my first child’s father was very abusive and my ‘family’ maintain contact with him to this day, over 30 years later
my relationship with my elder daughter is strained and she has my 1 year old grandchild. She ‘allows’ me to see my granddaughter once a week at her house but this is it. She long stopped visiting me. I have been NC with my mother for a year in an effort to stop my scapegoating before my grandchild was born. It seemed to work for a while biut now things are reverted back to the same dynamics This treatment is reserved for me only.
I am not perfect but love my children with all my heart and I cannot seem to protect them from this
i am desperate daily
my husband is cruel and scapegoats me himself as he knows he can
I want out of the marriage and he threatened to destroy me
my friend and cousin have both distanced themselves from me and I asked them about it. They denied my mother had said anything to them but I strongly suspect she has. I torture myself wondering what my mother or even other members of my family are saying about me to others as I am getting more outspoken about my shitty family and husband. I deserve to be me and will not be silenced.
I live with uncertainty, pain, anxiety and desperation every day and feel like I am not free to just be me. I have no autonomy and apparently I am who others say I am.
I was talking to someone the other day, who knows the daughter of someone my mum was good friends with for years. The lady was vulnerable and was estranged from her own daughter due to her cruel husband. The daughter called her mum and apparently my mum took the phone and said her mum did not want to talk to her, This is what she does best.
Where do I go from here?

The with distance comes clarity thing is definitely true. It is a very dysfunctional family.

Some really old memories of mine have been coming up lately. Me as a teenager - my brother telling me I was mad. Saying I needed to be sectioned. My parents agreeing with him - they even went as far as calling the police on me once. They actually would have fucking done it. I’d knocked a table over in sheer fucking frustration after a lifetime of physical and mental abuse at their hands.

Then later, I would have been mid twenties - my brother early 30s. Fully grown man - much bigger than me. He was threatening to hit me in their house and I told him that’s fine. The police station is just down the road - won’t take them long to get here. And I was the problem! My parents were aghast. Because that’s how it was - my brother was always allowed to hit me. I deserved it. How dare I challenge the status quo?

And I’ve been pretending this people are OK and taking my children to see them. They really aren’t, at all.

Distance is imperative I think. I read that many people from dysfunctional families live in “emergency mentality”, literally running on adrenaline and cortisol. The brain cycles around what they going to do next, what’s coming up, what’s happening etc.

Life is meant to be lighter than this, brains and bodies can’t sustain this reality. I would think like a drug once the body and brain re-calibrate it stops caring about what they are doing. In the middle of all this the brain is having to filter through decades of memory as well as current events, it never stops. Life is not meant to be this heavy, we all going to die as some point. I can imagine a person thinking what is the point of all this pain. But outside of this the beauty of life can come back in. I can really see what no contact gives back the rest of your life.

Any advice/POV please?

Drop the drop and write off absolutely anyone who thinks they know you more than you know yourself. There is no winning or convincing. Carve out a life outside of all of them. Even if its small.

Seek help IRL. This all sounds very messy and entwined. Therapy, GP as a starting point. You do have autonomy, but I think you will have to get stronger in yourself first and find some support.

I think you should distance yourself from
anyone who has anything to do with your family. You don’t have to do it forever, but for now, I’d say “indefinitely” and then revisit in the future if that’s something you want to do.

If you don’t know anyone outside of this circle, try some activity groups - ask people you meet if there are any others they would recommend or things they have attended in the past so you can try everything to see what works and meet new people. Try and build your own circle/network away from the people you can’t trust.

Like MyWhitedress said, I’d look for therapy either through GP or privately if you can.

Looks like there’s a lot of hurt today.

@Spendysis that’s good news about your therapist. I bet it’s a relief just to be taking the first step! I was thinking about what you said about feeling like you would leave your area to be away from them, and that must be a really difficult feeling.

I have found myself avoiding certain places I think I might run into people. It’s not a good feeling. Hopefully therapy helps.

@Ladybyrd you are well rid, by the sounds of it!

Thank you. I do have friends and a full time job but feel so isolated and lonely. I can live without anybody but my children.

Thank you. Yes it is a head wreck for sure, not being sure of anything. I know I sound crazy but this is really the way my family are.

That must be so painful, I can’t imagine. What a terrible family you have and a terrible marriage you have found yourself in. People can be so cruel, it makes no sense to me to be like this.

I believe you. My friend’s mum is one of these 💐