MARCH 2026 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

have now set up a new thread as the previous one is now full.
This long runnning thread has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.
The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!
One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;
'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'
Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.
Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.
You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
I started with this book and found it really useful.
Here are some excerpts:
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."
Helpful Websites
Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat for details.
Some books:
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa
This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:
"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."
6

Monkey

What Sicario wrote here. The toxic and or otherwise dysfunctional tentacles The Hag laid down spread across the generations only now stopping at MM. You've both had a bloody hard time of it these last few years. Now one last push to get shot of GB, I would consider telling him yourself if MM agrees to never contact either of you again.

The phrase, "where there's a will there's a relative" springs to mind re GB too.

(BTW I was in Manchester with the Meerkats some time ago and I thought it was a great city to visit).

Yesterday was a tough day as it was dm birthday I didn’t acknowledge it and now feel guilty and like I am playing into dsis hands who will be telling everyone I have abandoned dm now she’s elderly I’ve left her to do everything

last year I didn’t bother as I didn’t know where dm was living i knew she wasn’t at home so had to guess she was either at dsis or in hospital. I now since moved into the local care home I had to get ss involved to find out. I haven’t visited her as it feels like to much time has passed I am selfishly protecting my mental health avoiding an uncomfortable situation which I may regret when she’s died and i know there has been cognitive decline so I don’t know if she will remember or recognise me so don’t want to distress her

ive found it difficult since I saw dsis house up for sale and now sstc. The equity release money she was so desperate to get was to do things in her house none of which needed doing it’s not things she can move with her. I believe she is moving to dm house as she doesn’t have the money to pay off her interest only mortgage she was planning on using inheritance from dm so everything she has done blocking me my dc excluding us from dm life making it incredibly difficult for us to see her and turning family friends against us with her lies have been for nothing. She’s has damaged dh relationship with his cousin who is her best friend and my dc relationship with their cousins for nothing the only people who will benefit from any of this are the ones buying her house

Just spoke to dm regarding an Easter visit with dc. She wanted to organise something for next weekend as golden balls is working this weekend. Explained that we’re away next weekend. Then the weekend after - said I couldn’t do that. She wanted to put on an Easter egg hunt for them all, including my nephew, who has been so incredibly rude to me (calling me fat, stupid and a cow) I refuse to go there without my partner (strangely never does it when he’s there). My partner has to work that weekend and I’ll be buggered if we’re going to be down 100s of pounds or I’m going to sit there listening to that crap. So now I think I’m meant to feel bad that dn doing his egg hunt alone. AIBU not to give a shit when he’s acted appallingly now for months? Does that mean my children are only there to make up the numbers? Does the fact that they haven’t seen my kids for over a month mean fucking nothing? We should all postpone Easter for a fortnight to fit in with their schedules? Bollocks to them.

@Ladybyrd it sounds like this could be a lucky escape from having to spend the day with your awful nephew. How would it go down if at the end of your day with your parents you mentioned how rude your nephew had been to you on previous visits? Do they excuse this behaviour or just ignore it? It clearly makes no difference to how unpleasant it all is for you but my experience with my older nieces is that the way they treat me is very much a measure of how my sibling talked about me to them. Mine (now 30s) couldn't even manage to be polite to me at my father's funeral.
@Spendysis I have huge sympathy for you. As I mentioned previously, we have just had the first part of a dementia assessment for mum. GB2 insisted on being there and (as I expected) repeatedly tried to make the assessor think what an amazing son he is and what an awful, neglectful, daughter I am. His current narrative is that he frequently took time out of his career/life to stay with our parents and help them through illness/bereavement/stress etc and he is having to do the same now despite having a young child of his own. Whereas I have always selfishly stayed away, focussed on having an easy life for myself and do nothing to help now despite being in a far better position to that him. The reality, of course, is that GB1 and GB2 were the cause of most of the stress etc, he lived with them when he was too lazy/high to hold down a job (= decades) and now refuses to accept that mum needs external help but expects me to effectively become her carer and his stand-in mum. I know that GB2 has a lot of influence over mum so if I try to directly challenge him he will persuade her not to continue with the assessments. So I am keeping quiet, which is something I promised myself I would not do again. Part of me wants to just leave them to it, and I have distanced myself quite a lot, but in her current state I can't quite bring myself to walk away entirely. During the discussions he also claimed that he and his family are thinking of moving in with mum as her house is better suited to her needs (=bigger and in a better area). I suspect that if his partner goes along with it his plan is to live there with mum still paying for bills etc, that I will continue to deal with all mum's medical appointments/admin/finances etc and that mum's needs will stay as they are so 'caring' for her just involves making her meals. I don't think he's prepared for her to decline and need more care and I'm pretty sure his plan is that he'll basically live for free until she passes and then inherit a nice big house.

@formalwelliesThat’s 100% what I see it as because surely he doesn’t talk to all adults like that. I have mentioned it lots of times. They laugh at the time and then act like it’s the first they’ve heard about of it when I highlight it afterwards. I’ve just decided the only way I’ll go is with my partner because he won’t even try then. Otherwise my kids are watching him talk to me like trash and I’m not having that. It really was expected that I’d upend the last weekend of the holidays to suit them because GB had decided it’s more convenient for him to postpone Easter for a fortnight - don’t think so!

Wisdom usually comes with support and experience.

formal wellies are you in the UK? If so, a dementia assessor is to see if she's got dementia, at the memory clinic, isn't it?

He's acting like it's a social care assessment (and shooting himself in the foot regarding care provision, ie. DM won't get any). The dementia assessor won't GAF whether you're both the spawn of Satan or an angel sent from heaven, it's totally irrelevant, they'll have forgotten all about you 5 minutes after you leave their office and I'm sure anyway that the assessor can see that someone who sits there and slags off the sibling sitting right next to him is far from an angel himself. Your silence will have spoken volumes.

If by chance it is a social care assessment, GB saying you're a useless POS who's never around saves you from having to tell the social worker yourself that you're not willing to be her carer and have social services try to guilt you into it. Win-win.

They'll all be in for a rude awakening if she has to go into a care home and they discover that, as people who don't own her house, they have no rights to stay there and it'll be sold to pay for care (unless perhaps they're stinking rich and willing to cough up the care fees).

It's only spouses who get to stay in the home while the spouse is in a care home, even then, a charge is put on the house so that when the spouse dies social services will expect it to be sold and given their half of the money. Even with a co-owner I think they're either expected to purchase her share or sell up and take their half of the money, I'm not sure social services wait for death if it's not a spouse living there. But it's a moot point since they're not co-owners.

The alternative, if they don't want to make themselves homeless when she goes into a care home, is that they'll have to be her 24/7 carer between them. If there's 3 of them, I guess it could be done, 8hrs per 24hrs each. I'd distance myself further if I was you, you know they'll try to suck you into the main care role otherwise, just so they can keep living there while doing nothing.

I suppose she might qualify for NHS continuing care and not have to pay for a care home, but that's quite rare, most people have to pay.

@SamAndAnnie Yes, it was a dementia assessment but at her home (for a number of reasons). We had a social care assessment whilst we were waiting for this, and GB2 basically told the social worker that mum doesn't need anything other than perhaps to pay for a cleaner once a week as he does loads (most of the things he claimed he did I'd not seen any evidence of) for her and 'we' will look after her. I made it very clear then that I won't become mum's carer, which annoyed GB2. I did gently (to avoid upsetting mum) question whether GB2 was in a position to do more but of course, since GB2 was very clearly saying no more was needed we were not offered anything else. GB2 doesn't seem to full understand the purpose of, or need for, the dementia assessment. His comments this time were made when we were asked about mum's medical history and the history of her current symptoms (going off on tangents about how he helped her when she was unwell a long time ago) and stresses etc in her life that she had mentioned (both carefully leaving out the biggest stress which was the addictions and unpleasant behaviours of GB1 and GB2). He is smart enough to be vaguely subtle about digs he makes about me to the assessor/social workers.
He clearly hasn't given any real thought to his suggestion of moving in with mum. His child is only very young (he became a father later in life) and he already claims to struggle juggling work and childcare. He doesn't seem to have considered how this would work if mum's physical care needs increased or I stopped dealing with all her finances/household admin or taking her to all her medical appointments. He may think he could give up work but hasn't considered how he would finance this (he already complains he has no spare money). I suspect he's assuming that mum will stay as she is, I will keep doing what I currently do (which I've already said I need to reduce- medical appointments alone take out on average one full day a week once I have travelled there) and he will walk away with a nice big house.
Every conversation I have with mum starts with her telling me how hard GB2 has it and how she wishes 'we' could make things easier for him but neither of them will consider any external care (or for that matter GB2 making any other changes to make his life easier). Most of the issues that GB2 complains about are things I had to deal with when my DC were small and just accepted as parenting.

Tbh you’re on a hiding to nothing re both gb2 and mother so I’d leave the two of them to it. Your mother is all too easily influenced by her golden boy who remains golden. I would certainly as of now start to reduce the amount of time you spend on your mother particularly as gb2 is further bending her ear.

It will all come crashing down around their ears soon enough and your mother could well end up in a care home. Where he will be then is probably not seen for dust. . I would not hang around to see that fallout.

I know that you are completely correct. But I can't quite bring myself to walk away completely at this stage. In all honesty I am annoyed with myself for not cutting ties years ago when GB1 and GB2 were at their worst but our parents were well and had each other for support. I did take a huge step back though when it got to the stage where GB2 was insisting that no external help for mum will be considered and actually he thought I should be spending my time helping him as well as mum. After a particularly threatening and aggressive incident I have blocked direct communication with GB2 and won't see him without someone else around (ie not just mum).

Just a quick update from me. My wedding was lovely, my parents didn't crash it. The lead up was uncomfortable with my sister and her husband and children triangulating me and my parents. But that was the final straw for me to say no further visits between my parents and my children, even if they are chaperoned by my sister as we have different views on what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't. I am not comfortable with the risk of them using my children to triangulate the way they used my sister and her husband, so ultimately I would say a good outcome and I am looking forward to a more joyful chapter.

Congratulations! So pleased it went the best it could. The dynamics can be so very difficult to manage.

@Gudinne Great to hear that your wedding went well! I think it's brave of you to say no to visits with your DC- I think most if us on this thread know how hard it is to make that decision. Sounds like this really is the beginning of the rest of your life

@Gudinnecongratulations so pleased your wedding went well

Hello all, never thought I would be posting here but over time I’ve realised that maybe I am in this group after all. Recently had it confirmed through DNA tests that my dad (who died when I was under 10) was not my biological dad and a family friend who my mum had been having a long term affair with is. I have had suspicions for years about this but mum either denied it or made it impossible to ask. Even after poor health that could have been genetic (potentially life threatening), birth of my children etc she didn’t tell me, when my bio dad was ill then dying she didn’t tell me. I had to go to her with the evidence and her response was yeah well you’ve always known….. I haven’t always KNOWN. She’s said she’s sorry, she says she’s devastated etc but she hasn’t said why she lied for 40+ yrs until last night when she said she hadn’t told me as I hated the biological dad and so she couldn’t tell me. I hated him because I had to lie to everyone about him, I was with her every weekend when she met up with him, I had to lie to all of my family about him and then who I thought was my biological dad dad died and I had been lying to him all my life about meeting up with this family friend. I think that’s enough reason to hate someone at such a young age.

mum has appeared to be angry with me although she denies that, she is hoping that it can all go back to normal. Apart from this I would have said she was a good mum but I suppose looking back I am seeing things differently. I have never not felt loved by her. I don’t know I’m so confused by it all and just don’t know where to go from here.

Aaaaaaaaagh. I’m going to catch up with everyone soon. My life at the moment is SHIT.

Excuse swearing.

1. BIL from Mr Monkey’s toxic family died in January. He is single handedly (apart from me) sorting out BIL’s estate. His family was fucked and it’s massively triggering.

2. his utter cunt of an estranged brother is only interested in the money. The will is unambiguous, BIL cut him out. MM is getting texts and phone calls. Obviously, the cunt feels that ignoring his family, including his bitch of a mother the Hag (Rest in Hell), from 2013 to now equals money. When The Hag didn’t leave him any money, the cunt sent abusive texts. I’ve told him that he needs to block him. He hasn’t. He is too scared to,

3. our nephew is estranged from his father and made an attempt on his life last year. This was triggered by seeing his cunt of a father at the Hag’s funeral in 2024. The dickhead father followed him around at the wake trying to make amends - FFS - until nephew told him he was going to put a stool through his head. Rightly so.

4. SIL rang on Thursday - our nephew is in a very bad way, not responding to treatment, and is about to lose his job. SIL needs us to go to Scotland to give her some support- she rang again at 8am this morning. We need to go. Mr Monkey panicking, but not able to take control. So, I am. I am a fixer.

5. mummy monkey is getting frail - she’s had a number of falls and a bad one on Thursday so I’m here staying with her in the middle of nowhere (I don’t drive) The plan was to have a break over Easter. The decision to stay longer was last minute - she can’t manage alone at the moment - so my laptop is in Manchester. I am freelance. I missed a client event as in the hospital getting my Mum’s kidneys checked out. I am doing client work on my phone. Not good for writing press releases. 🤣

6. mummy monkey is in denial about her kidneys. As a Bon Viveur, she has just ordered some wine from Majestic. This is not H2o.

7. brothers are in denial about my Mum’s support needs. She needs sheltered accommodation, NOT an oversized house in the middle of nowhere.

8. one brother lives overseas and the other - god love him - is a flake. He’s great when he engages and but he’s terrified of what’s happening.

9. I have explained the situation with nephew to overseas brother so he’s coming over so we can go there. Mummy Monkey has a cataract operation next week, it’s been booked in my diary to stay here for 2 weeks recovery time. He’s now doing some time with mum. Mr Monkey is not answering his phone. I’m so overdrawn cos I’ve not done my invoicing since Jan thst I can’t book flights

10. my uncle has just died. I can’t go to Wales to see my family - I’m close to them - as I can’t leave my mum

11. my very good friend is in ICU with organ failure.

12. Mr Monkey is panicking and unable to cope

13. he’s furious with my brothers

14. he’s been physically ill since the start of December.

15. my mental health - bipolar - is not good.

16. I may go to prison if I see MM’s cunt of a brother in the streets of Aberdeen.

RESULT. Just had a frank phone call and Mr Monkey has now blocked him.

Jeez, Monkey. That's a lot. Hopefully the phone blocking will help. Although I guess Mr M will be feeling all the usual anxieties attached to his nightmare family.

Sorry to hear about your nephew. But you need to put your own oxygen mask on first. Get those invoices out. You know how long it takes to get paid. I had many clients who didn't cough up for 60+days.

Sending positive vibes to you and your lovely mum. And a large gin to you.

@Sicario thank you so much. I intend to do NOTHING tomorrow.

I’ll meet MM in the nearest town after my half hour walk to a bus stop for the hourly bus that stops at 5.30pm. We will go to the pub. We will get an uber back here. Uber drivers love it. Countryside. There’s a reason I left for the city lights when I was 17!

Somehow, we have to get Mummy Monkey to the theatre for her Mother’s Day treat on Saturday afternoon. Kindness of neighbors will be called upon.

Mr Monkey is trauma bonded. It’s horrible. He’s said: “it’ll get worse if i block him.” “I just need to be cool with him.” FFS, he’s a sociopath. He threatened you with violence. Block the cunt. Let his Google Lawyer talk to our professional. but I get it / MM is a little boy again, he’s scared and anxious. So sad.

Thankfully, the clients want to pay me and keep nagging me. I only have myself to blame for the state of the bank account! Aaaagh, the 60 days. AWFUL. not too many of the 60 dayers - universities being the worse. I actually sat in a finance office once.

thank you so much for replying xxxx

@ManchesterMonkey Trauma bonding is very real and imprints terrible emotional damage. I was so relieved when my mother died, although it manifested as a brief cloudburst of grief (uncontrollable crying). It took me a while to work through it.

My addict brother died 2 years later which was sad but to be expected from an addict who suddenly came into a bit of money (from our mother). Then my disabled brother got in touch asking if we could reconnect. It made me feel physically sick and shaky. My response was sorry but no. I'm never coming back.

I recently heard on the grapevine that my highly toxic sister has been saying how she misses me. I couldn't have given less of a shit.

Going NC isn't a choice anyone makes lightly, but it is the only way to break the cycle. The trauma bond wound can be broken open very easily, which is probably what's going on with MM. It's like he's had his stitches ripped out and the healing process has to start over.

Thank you. It’s so true. She did so much damage. I feel Twat Brother has got off scot free. He hasn’t. Skint. Lonely. Ill health. Estranged from his kids. GOOD.

So glad you liked my adopted home city, what did you do / see?

I’m so sorry to hear this. It sounds like a hell of a lot to observe and to be expected to reconnect to people who have been a part of the abuse / or to have been a bystander is a VERY steep ask. The performative caring sibling BS you’re getting is what we’re getting from the twat.

People are very weird about no contact. Often, with FUCK ALL understanding. It’s incredibly hard to do it as the abused person as you are trauma bonded, there are societal expectations, you feel guilt, you are judged.

But for every single person who has gone contact I know - my closest friend no longer engages with her father as he’s a narcissist, my brother’s partner has been hugely damaged by his mother (bulimia, severe anxiety) and has cut contact with his family apart from his lovely sister who has also cut contact - I get it. It’s not my place to comment or judge, it’s my place to support and be an empath.

I really feel for my sister in law, she is really struggling.

She phoned at 6.45am in a terrible state. Yesterday was the same.

My mentally ill nephew is going to be sacked from his very good apprenticeship, there is no way you can take so much unexplained leave e.g., 22 days. They have been extremely supportive, but he’s not engaging with their support. He’s in denial.

She’s a realist, but will also be the person paying the bills. She’s good with money - she’s had to be! - and bought her sons a flat that they share. She’s insisted, from the start, that they pay market rent and pay bills. She’s no pushover.

The sooner we can sort out late BIL’s estate we can give her some money as a cushion.

This sounds tough, but we’re not ‘openly’ giving ill nephew any money as he does need to find a way to get back on his feet, whether that’s through volunteering, part-time work, ‘constructive’ travel.

Right now, he needs a rest, better therapy (which we could pay for) and to get his head to a better place. This mental health crisis of nearly a year can absolutely lain at the door of his cunt of a father and The Hag.

It’s generational trauma.

Hi, can I join please? Lurked for a while.
In my 40s I'm now starting to feel some of the sadness at what I missed out on. Not the sadness at the things that happened. But what didn't happen and the lasting effects of it. It's only recently I've actually started understanding what I missed. I have a horrible sense that there is a lot more to come now I've opened the doors.

I recently spoke to a woman whose mum was making her wedding dress. This hit me hard because it never occurred to me to even discuss my choice of wedding dress with my family. Things like that give me a window into what could be different in a family. If you had a mum you could discuss things like that with.

My question is how do you cope with these feelings? Have you allowed yourself to feel them? Have you moved through them? I'm worried it will overwhelm me completely if I feel it all.

Hi @RustysQuilt I'm sorry that you are having to face some uncomfortable truths about your upbringing but I also think you’re lucky (I don’t mean lucky that you experienced what you did) that you have some awareness of your feelings, some people never experience this and, as a result, live with the effects. What I would recommend is therapy, there are many different modalities but I would start off with talking therapy and work on letting some of your feelings out. My own experience of therapy is that it was extremely painful, at times I felt re traumatised, my anxiety went through the roof for a while but it was worth it all. For me, I needed to feel my feelings. I needed to feel the anger, the injustice, the trapped fear and the grief of what my childhood was like. I needed to face the truth of the impacts my childhood had, and was having, on my life and notice how it was affecting not only me but my family and my approach to life and relationships in general. What I would say is that if you feel you’re ready to dig deep and engage in therapy then go for it, long term it will help you immensely. It’s been a long road for me but I’ve never felt more a peace with my life.

This might be the totally wrong place for me to post and if so, I’ll excuse myself.
Not really sure where to start. Brought up in a family where appearance was everything, anything that happened at home stayed at home eg. Parents arguing etc was not to be discussed out of the house. I was always too fat for my mum and I have tons of food issues thanks to how I was brought up around food. Self esteem issues. Told I would be pretty under the fat etc. I am the oldest and my brother younger, is like the golden boy. Before my mum’s health declined she would do everything for him.
She’s now been diagnosed with a life limiting illness that will affect her till she dies. She’s already unable to drive, go anywhere without support, needs help with her toileting and getting dressed etc.
I have found it really hard to care for her - the emotional toll as-well as the physical one of balancing her care with caring for my own children and working etc.
When I tried to tell my mum and brother this, I was called vile and selfish by my brother and my mum cried saying not once have I sent her suggestions on things she can do with her condition. (She’s been seeing the specialist every 3 months, I thought that’s what they were doing as I know nothing about the condition). She wont accept outside carers so I’m doing all the things my brother can’t / won’t e.g. having to help her with toileting and then emptying the commode etc. I don’t see how I can carry on doing this day in, day out for years.

I feel like I can’t see the wood for the trees, trying to be everything to everyone and burning out, while also feeling so much resentment towards how I was treated growing up in terms of food/appearance etc. My self-esteem is still rock bottom at almost 40.

@Foodfumbles welcome to this amazing helpful and supportive forum.

this is totally the place for you. We are here for you.

You simply can’t take this on. It’s going to be even more damaging. Close contact with your mum is simply triggering.

You need to get in touch with social services ASAP and find out options for care. Cite your mental health and lay that on with a trowel.

Social services will have seen this is a LOT. It’s so common in fucked up families for the scapegoat to become the carer of the abusing parent and for the golden child to think they are far above any caregiving.

You are going to have to be VERY tough to push back, but you can do this. Remember - YOU and YOUR children come first.