MARCH 2026 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

have now set up a new thread as the previous one is now full.
This long runnning thread has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.
The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!
One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;
'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'
Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.
Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.
You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
I started with this book and found it really useful.
Here are some excerpts:
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."
Helpful Websites
Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat for details.
Some books:
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa
This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:
"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."
6

I think it really depends on individuals. One of my sisters can’t really have friends because she’s that type that’s always trying to compete, my other sister isn’t like that at all. My best friend isn’t like that.

My MIL is that type. It’s really weird the things she’ll get like it about as well. Once she was trying to show me up to my DH because I had removed the stalks from my mushrooms to make garlic mushrooms, and was saying “oh I use my mushroom
stalks I don’t let anything go to waste!” I said I usually used them, but I was making garlic mushrooms. She insisted on taking the mushroom stalks home with her, apparently to use them (she doesn’t even cook) to prove that she was better than me at not wasting food.

I think there are men - you know that mumsnet phrase, elevenerifers? “Oh you’ve been to Tenerife? Yes, we went to elevenerife last year, much better” blah blah. And they can be like that with family. But of course not all men are weird and competitive like that. There’s some amount of pride and cockiness in most men, but I tend to think it is a bit more openly showing off and less mean-spirited most of the time.

Perhaps it’s just the ones in my circle. A lot of people are lacking in things and seem to use relationships to get those things. I find it hard to meet people who don’t want anything from you. There is a lot of insecurity in my female extended family, no one is sincere or just wants to meet, let the kids play and leave. Female members are kind of at war with each other and talking crap. A lot of folks seem to need to instigate a relationship where their insecurities are helped. I’m fed up of my competitive family. I’m not sure if it the men doing it and the partners going along with it.

@MustIgo A lot of people are lacking in things and seem to use relationships to get those things

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there!

I can't remember if I had mentioned my mum's latest message on here. Where she talked about my DD going to high school like it was a known fact (she isn't) and then mum asking if she had done anything wrong because she's unaware of anything, that its probably to do with her hearing, but she's noticed I don't speak to her much anymore.

This woman hasn't called me since February 2025. I stopped phoning her on account of conversations being purely about what she wanted to say and hardly acknowledging that she has GDC. Even when she used to visit, we were not the priority and her behaviour around the children is odd at times. I now only update her on life via text messages and photos with minimal reaction from her.
Now she's realised something might be wrong!

I replied to the message with a simple "DD isn't going to high school. She is ten years old." I could have said a lot more but I know it would then make me the bad person, because like she says, she's unaware of anything she could possibly have done 🙄

We actually ended up visiting her last weekend! We were at an event close-ish to where she lived (we live 250 miles apart), so we decided to bite the bullet and pop to see her on our way home for a couple of hours. She knew we were coming, it wasn't a complete surprise. When we got there she was busy doing something with my DBs help. Told us to go and sit in the back garden, so we weren't even invited in to the house. She then did the standard "oh haven't you grown" to the DC for about 10 mins and then spent the rest of time ignoring them whilst she told me all her news. It was just like her phone calls. Like nothing was wrong at all.

My DB was sat with DC helping them with their activity books. Mum's only comment about that was "oh is she doing sudoku, I can't stand sudoku." She then chastised my other DD for saying the phrase "pain in the butt" and then told my DH off for not watching his language in front of DC. I sat there so desperately wanting to tell her to fuck off! We left after 2 hours, as it was very clear that she wasn't going to engage with DC any further and she was just waffling on about her busy life. The DC were getting bored, so we headed home.

The visit just reinforced to me that she does not give a shit at all. But also doesn't see anything wrong with how she is being. I feel vindicated in a way. The fact that she made no reference to her "have I done something wrong" text message or the handwritten letter she sent me, which I never acknowledged receiving.

She seems just happy to carry on this distant relationship that's more akin to a radio presenter and a listener. Radio presenter assume the listener is really wanting to know all the shite that you're drivelling on about and occasionally that listener will message in with something to say, but the radio presenter is only going to acknowledge it if they think its worth any value to their 'show'.

I also need to remember that not everyone wants to heal. Not everyone is able to heal. I think some people have gone too far. I know the SIL had a hard school life and was bullied. She hates females now. But at the end of the day I wasn’t and many others aren’t these bullies. She tells her daughters about girls and not to have friends etc. We are all painted as being bullies. I think many people have had trauma in the relationship areas of life. But we need to heal them and not project onto those around us as we further hurt ourselves and others. My MIL and SIL both have issues around relationships so they have this distrust in common. I just want to love and be loved, I’m getting old 😂 life is too short. But you can’t make others feel the same I have come to understand, even if you love them and can see their pain and why it’s valid you can’t convince them to love you how you need to be loved.

I’ve been ill a lot lately. There is nothing like needing support to realise how little you have. We can all talk about holidays and the days out etc but this is of no good now. I’ve come to realise how disconnected this family is. They are all hyper independent, so much so that no one notices when someone needs something (none of them actually would say out loud they need anything). I used to look at them with admiration, how well they’ve all done, all have money. But I’ve never experienced such a lack of support. My H had a bad accident a few months ago. He got hurt but luckily not seriously, had a bit of time off work (although it could have been very bad). Not a single member of his family came to see him…and he was fine with this. If this was my child I’d be there immediately.

@MustIgo I hope you and your DH are both on the mend now. One good thing about realising the lack of support you have from family members is that it really helps you feel less guilty when you next say 'No' to their demands/expectations.

I recently watched the documentary series 'Love You to Death' about a family where the mother claimed that her son had a very serious illness (before it became known that she was fabricating it the press called him Britain's sickest child etc). So SPOILER ALERT for anyone who plans to watch and hasn't yet.

It features interviews and comments from the mother and her 2 DC. Although obviously that was a very clear cut case and the mother is obviously not mentally well it struck me how similar some of her reactions and comments were to the way families of many of us on this thread behave. In particular:

• Absolute refusal to acknowledge that she has really done anything wrong. Even when she has been forced to admit specific actions she has badged them as 'errors of judgement' and claims that they were done with good intentions. She then seems to act as though these few small errors are the only reason people treat her as though she is in the wrong.
• Claiming to have repeatedly apologised to her DC but showing no understanding that there can be no meaningful apology without accepting responsibility.
• Providing 'back up' excuses- she doesn't accept that she did anything wrong but sets up a narrative that she was under stress/had been through trauma etc. Her story is clearly- I did nothing wrong but even if I did I am the real victim.
• It sounds like both of her DC have had periods where they cut contact with her and other periods where they were attempting to rebuild a relationship. They are now both NC and her son says this is for the safety of his future family (so clearly sees it as a long term decision). It doesn't seem that she has reflected on why they might have cut contact a second (or possibly third +) time. When asked, she basically says she expects they'll contact her when they are ready and everything will be fine again.

Given how clear cut the situation seems to be and the fact that the documentary shows professional comments as well as views from the DC and mother, I thought it brought things in to focus. I found it really interesting (if that's the right word, as I felt very sorry for all involved) that the mum seemed to genuinely believe what she was saying and I think anyone who only hearing her comments without knowledge of the full story would sympathise with her. I thought it showed how easy it is for someone to manipulate the narrative when there is no outside, objective assessment of the situation as happens to most of us.

@formalwellies My MiL fabricated more than one illness of her own as a way out of having to look after her children and to explain her lack of parenting. And tells people her children had “additional needs” which they didn’t. I have read through social services reports where they have assessed the children and said that she had “unrealistic expectations” of her children (because she expected them to look after themselves with no input from her at 5-9 years old). But if people don’t know, they say “oh that must have been so difficult, of course you couldn’t look after them with you being so ill and them having additional needs”.

She can also say that the reason her DC don’t speak to her is because they “blame her” but they don’t understand that it wasn’t her fault, she couldn’t look after them - she was ill. She says they resent her now still and haven’t forgiven her despite her endlessly apologising (which also hasn’t happened). It’s a win-win for her. Another one is to say she was in abusive relationships to justify any terrible thing she’s known to have done (I had to/he drove me to it etc), which I now see is DARVO.

It is interesting how much children still try with, essentially, their abusers. It’s supposed to be parents that love their children unconditionally but definitely seems the other way round to me a lot of the time.

Sometimes I wonder if my MiL believes her own bullshit, but it’s hard to say. It could just be sticking religiously to the script they’ve come up with. Like if I don’t admit it you can’t ever really prove it, kind of thing. But then, a lot of their behaviour is literally insane, so who knows?

I’m so glad I’ve found this thread, I’ve been vaguely aware of it for ages but never posted but I’ve just been reading through it at random and find so much to relate to. I’ve recently gone NC with my sister who manipulated me all throughout my childhood and well into my twenties, there’s too much to go into but she’s still casting a huge shadow over my life as she is now a neglectful and highly manipulative parent to her children to the extent there’s been a lot of social services involvement (don’t want to say too much more as outing) and I still get updates about it all from my mum. My sisters narrative is that ‘everyone always abandons her’ and ‘nobody understands she has mental health issues’ and she has been using these excuses for years and years to get away with all sorts of outrageous, and genuinely abusive shit - anyway I’ve gone NC now, I think becoming a mother myself has made me see things (again) in a new light… but I do sometimes get the guilt that people on this thread talk about, ie I wonder if I’ve cruelly abandoned a vulnerable person, although the logical part of my brain says that I tried to support for years and years as did many others and it always got thrown back at us all, plus it’s not for me to emotionally carry someone. Does anyone have any good book recommendations on managing these feelings of guilt? I’d love to go to therapy to start unpicking all this but can’t afford at the moment.

“When people react with defensiveness, dismissiveness it is often because your vulnerability triggers discomfort they do not know how to handle within themselves”

I think this quote sums it up really. It is not us that triggers them necessarily it is their own experiences they feel from our words. In my world sharing your sadness and your negative emotions is a way of bonding through safety. But all they hear are words that make them feel uncomfortable, you effect their comfort. They don’t want anyone effecting their comfort. This is why they are utterly selfish. Of course our comfort should be affected by those we love.

I always promote getting kids diagnosed early on. A few of my fiends say they don’t believe in labels but I think a person needs to grow with their challenges. Many of us adults have grown around our neurodivergent experiences and we don’t even realise that we have any neurodivergence we’ve incorporated it so well. I think that’s when you hit a problem when the ND person doesn’t know they are and they don’t understand they experience the world differently to others. They believe everyone is the problem. The only way to have a proper relationship is to understand how you experience something and learn about how others do then you can fill in some of the missing pieces to make a better relationship. Personally I’ve found looking into my neurodivergence has made me like people better and that’s made me more likable.

The danger here is conflating neurodiversity with abuse when they are two very different things.

Abusive people think it’s everyone else’s fault and never their own. I often comment re their toxic parent that it’s not the adult child’s fault their parent is like this and they did not make them they way. Personality disorders have a part to play here in such toxic dynamics and there are people with both untreated and untreatable personality disorders.

Many people have not ideal childhoods and go onto treat their now adult children with the love and respect they deserve. They had a choice when it came to their kids and the toxic parent chose the same old that was done to them.

I will start another stately homes thread soon as this one will be full soon enough.

I think it’s that thing of when something happens go to therapy, don’t let it fester. I was having trouble in relationships, I chose terrible men. Turned out I was ND (although I do wonder if growing up with a sick mum just made me nervous and always on the look out for danger). Those who want better relationships look at themselves. I got too stuck looking at myself when half the problem was the other people. These people never end up in therapy!

Sadly people with learning difficulties are far more likely to be in abusive relationships than those who are not.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents so what did yours teach you?. Those lessons also get carried forward into our own adult relationships.

Abusive people don’t often go to therapy because they also think there’s nothing wrong with them. They have no insight or empathy. People who go to therapy with their abuser be it a parent or their husband/wife are not safe enough to be in such sessions. Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

Abuse is also not a relationship problem and is about power and control.

But what is abuse. Someone not being able to recognise what a person needs and ignoring them, is that abuse if it’s not done intentionally to make someone hurt? Is it neglectful to not be able to recognise others? I struggle with the term when it’s not about physical things. What if one person simply doesn’t understand why something they do hurts others when they haven’t actually done anything they’ve just not responded correctly. I remember my ex just telling me that I needed too much and that’s why he just started ignoring it all the time because he got bored.

Your ex was wrong and led you up the garden path. He was and remains an abusive person.

Abuse is not just physical in nature and there are several types.

@MustIgo I agree with @AttilaTheMeerkat

The say that your ex said that you needed too much, so he started to ignore you because he got bored. That's not someone simply not recognising a need. That is at best someone recognising a need and deciding that meeting it is too much like hard work. Which is pretty much the definition of neglectful. Even if (and I doubt this is the case) your needs were unusually high or more than he could manage, a decent person would not ignore you- they would either try to help you meet your needs another way or simply decide you were not compatible and end the relationship.

Telling you that you need too much, and telling you that makes it OK to ignore your needs, sounds very much like they understood very well that this would be hurtful but wanted you to believe that it was all your fault and to stay with them and accept that they wouldn't respond to your needs. Which is definitely abuse.

I struggle with the idea that I need to much, or I am too much at times. If I really think about it I don’t think that I do but I always seem to be around people who haven’t really the intentions of meeting those needs. I think that my in-laws whisper in my H’s ear that I need too much. Either that or I am paranoid.

I come from this, I’ve said my mum was ill, but when she wasn’t her and my dad were very attuned to us. I was close to my dad, he put himself out an awful lot for both me and sibling and for my mum. His life was always, even when we became adults always centred around us when we needed him. This is the type of relationship I feel safe in, I knew I was loved. In my past relationship and now with this family I feel like a burden and a weirdo because I still expect me (that’s me, H and kids) to still be important, to be connected and supported. Is this normal? I’ve known something from my childhood and this isn’t it.

Part of me knows I have to accept the type of relationship that the other person can offer and that I can’t change this. I can’t make myself important, I can only fade away into the dynamic they have. Don’t get me wrong they are successful, money houses etc but it’s empty to me. My H feels loved by them, I guess this is the dynamic he is used to like I mine. He hasn’t a clue what it feels like for a parent to drop it all and rush over to him. I just can’t make this family feel like family to me even though I really want to. I feel really on the outside.

Basically I feel sad in my relationship now, this instead of bringing me peace has just introduced me to more neglect and crap that I don’t have the energy to deal with. I don’t want to know about narcs and shitty MIL’s and how to get along, how to stay away, how to navigate meet ups, how to watch what I say, how to read into things…..so much stuff to deal with, it gets my head in a loop of information . I think I’m just going to run away and live in the forest.

I watched that show just this week. I was most interested in the parent adult children dynamic rather than the abuse.

The mother could say the words I’m sorry a billion times but not understand the things that need to go with the words she is not providing. The moment she mentioned CPTSD wound me up too (I have it myself) as you don’t get that from one incident as a teenager. You get it from years of trauma.

I also could not understand at all how the father didn’t know and why he kept the kids, that bit really had me worried.

I hope both of the children have lovely lives. As all of us on here know in some way or another families can be very hard and you feel like you are just keeping your head above water whereas everyone else around you with loving family support are thriving.

And on a personal note I’m having a truly horrific time at the moment. One of the worst weeks of my life.

I had a huge medical emergency with my adult DC and I was here completely alone. I had to contact both of my parents for support……and of course there wasn’t any.

I think that’s this thread full now @AttilaTheMeerkat , thank you so much x

I am my own worst enemy I spoke to a therapist while on annual leave got on well he messaged to arrange another appointment straight away and a mixture of being back at work and although we can afford it I hadn’t told dh I had engaged in therapy costing £80 per hour I do given my circumstances have money anxiety despite being much more comfortable than we have been in the past so I’ve not responded and I felt a bit pressured I’ve ignored his message I have since spoken to dh and he has no issues with the money

what do i do contact him? Find another therapist? I am not doubting i need therapy but i felt a bit pressured to book weekly sessions both financially and trying to fit them round work

@Spendysis Just talk to the therapist. Work out what will work best for you and then call. Explain you had to speak to your DH about finances and scheduling and tell him what you’ve decided.

I doubt he’ll be annoyed or anything - his whole job is dealing with people with all manner of issues, so he should be understanding!

@Eeriefairythank you I feel like such an idiot it took a lot for me to open up to a therapist as I am embarrassed by my family situation dsis behaviour and I need to find a therapist that wasn’t focused on reconciliation

I just felt pressured overwhelmed to block book more sessions and it made me feel a bit uncomfortable emotionally and financially. I think it reminded me of how dsis used to organise me plan my weekends and rail road me into doing things I didn’t particularly want to do

dh is supportive but very black and white thinking and doesn’t really fully understand mental health he is so laid back he’s horizontal