DH and the ‘other woman’ - would this bother you?

[H7529]

DH became very close to his SIL…last year, things came to a head when she received a very carefully selected (planning started back in October, very unlike him) expensive Christmas present and I got a last minute, random one which he bought on the day. Other examples for their closeness were daily texts, him being emotional when talking about her or certain struggles she went through, and over sharing. Anyway, we had a conversation, he promised to do better, I since got pregnant and their contact drastically reduced.

This Christmas, we both agreed to keep presents to each other cheap-ish. I told him what I wanted and I got it (I knew he’d otherwise choose a last minute random present again). He then showed me what he got for his SIL - an expensive perfume, but he also said he bought 2 of them and the second one is an additional present for me.

I don’t know how I feel about this…it gives me some ‘me and the 2 women of my heart / sister wives’ vibes that he got us the same thing. But on the other hand I think he just tried to show me that she isn’t more important than I am, and the past might cloud my judgement.

I would not be happy. What on earth is going on and what does his brother think about all this?

I cannot believe you’re accepting of this
and her DH must be massively upset
This was / is an emotional affair
with his sister in law

Not only would it bother me, I would be considering ending my marriage over it

WTF! Buying a SIL expensive perfume and you last minute stuff? Sorry to say you have a big problem here! I would not stand for that. Either something going on between them or he’s fixated. This is not normal and you are right to be concerned. Talk to him asap!

So he wanted to buy her an expensive present, but couldn't buy her something that would outshine the cheap-ish present you'd asked for.

So, in order to be able to buy her an expensive present without you getting all WTAF's-going-on, he had to buy an expensive one for you, too.

He's still got a crush on her.

Edited to add: to answer your question, it would bother me massively.

Surely, after your conversation last year when he bought his brother's wife a really thoughtful, expensive gift and his own wife a last minute random gift, he probably shouldn't have even bought his SIL a gift this year.

He obviously still has feelings for her, which is really crap as you are expecting a baby.

This!

This is so weird. What does his brother think? Why does he think it's ok?

When this present thing happened last year, we did have a very serious talk and I told him that I don’t accept this. He really had improved since and said that they are just good friends but that he understands how it makes me feel and that boundaries might get blurred, so he’d take a step back from their friendship, and as far as I can tell, he did.

Has his brother noticed anything ?

What does his brother think of all this?

Same perfume to throw you off the scent when he'd been with her and to smell her on you when you wear it.
Where is SiL's husband in all this? I would speak to him just so that he is aware or if he suspects then you both support each other but I would be looking at ending this marriage. If you need more time for money for example i'd be separating in the same house. You need to negotiate to your advantage while hubby is feeling guilty.

He didnt improve he just hid things better

His Brother seems to be zen about it all, so I wonder if I overreact. He must be aware to some extent, although he works away a lot. I did ask DH last year when we had our serious talk and he said that this brother doesn’t mind because he knows they’re just friends and that it would be absurd to think anything more, given their family situation (family is very important to him so I don’t think he’d ever go towards anything physical because of the family fallout).

I don't even know where to begin. You experienced this last year and decided to go on and have a baby? Does his brother not care about this weird behaviours towards his wife?

This will always be ongoing and you should have left last Christmas. How did you not get the immediate ick? Where is your self esteem?

It's just so inappropriate on all fronts.
No respect for you, no respect for his brother. He clearly has no boundaries.

What kind of a prize pillock does the dirty on their brother by being inappropriate with his wife to this extent?

Now you've gone and got yourself pregnant despite finding out he has strong feelings for another woman who even worse is also his sister in law?!

Poor child born into this mess.

This isn't going to go away as they will always have the family connection and opportunity to communicate.

You either accept they have the hits for each other or you split which is an awful start to raising a child but at least the child won't be raised in deception.

Came here to say this

They are NOT just friends. He wants it to be more and she's encouraging him.

Urgh, he didn't even get you a different perfume? So now you have to smell the same as her too? Nah, I'd be so unimpressed with this.

@Rhaidimiddim has got it in one.

He wanted to get her an expensive present, and the only way he could get away with it was to buy the same for you.

He’s still in love with her.

A man goes into a shoo weeks before Xmas pondering long and hard over lovely jewelleries and perfumes, thinking long and hard what his sister in law must like and really going the extra effort for her. And then on Christmas eve, grabs a last minute/ no thought lip balm for his wife on his way out the door of Boots when buying his own hair gel.

What a Prince!

Divorce!

Speak to him directly and tell him whats been happening

A man goes into a shop*

The gift thing itself wouldn't bother me necessarily as I've occasionally bought similar for my brother and DH but the rest of it is unacceptable