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Original poster

DH and the ‘other woman’ - would this bother you?

89 replies

H7529 · 01/01/2025 16:35

DH became very close to his SIL…last year, things came to a head when she received a very carefully selected (planning started back in October, very unlike him) expensive Christmas present and I got a last minute, random one which he bought on the day. Other examples for their closeness were daily texts, him being emotional when talking about her or certain struggles she went through, and over sharing. Anyway, we had a conversation, he promised to do better, I since got pregnant and their contact drastically reduced.

This Christmas, we both agreed to keep presents to each other cheap-ish. I told him what I wanted and I got it (I knew he’d otherwise choose a last minute random present again). He then showed me what he got for his SIL - an expensive perfume, but he also said he bought 2 of them and the second one is an additional present for me.

I don’t know how I feel about this…it gives me some ‘me and the 2 women of my heart / sister wives’ vibes that he got us the same thing. But on the other hand I think he just tried to show me that she isn’t more important than I am, and the past might cloud my judgement.

OP posts:
LePetitMaman · 01/01/2025 21:16

Er????

The brother is fine with it because DH says he is

"D"H is making that up, you do realise it right? The brother probably has no idea of the extent.

Do you have evidence of the messages?

Itsallgonesideways · 01/01/2025 21:18

You made two rookie errors:
First being not dumping him straight away & the second getting pregnant.

This is not a good or healthy situation op and he knows it very well and doesn't care.

Roryno · 01/01/2025 21:19

My ex bought me a perfume once. I was baffled at the time because I was an air hostess and got discounts in duty free. Then it became apparent that he was having an affair. The bastard obviously wanted me to smell like her 🤢

DorothyStorm · 01/01/2025 21:24

Roryno · 01/01/2025 21:19

My ex bought me a perfume once. I was baffled at the time because I was an air hostess and got discounts in duty free. Then it became apparent that he was having an affair. The bastard obviously wanted me to smell like her 🤢

It wasnt to make you smell like her, it was to hide the smell of her.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 01/01/2025 21:26

Ahh so he won't shag her so as not to upset the family apple cart.

But treating her better than his wife is ok.

I'm sorry to say this but l don't think you should have planned a baby with this man.

slightlydistrac · 01/01/2025 22:02

Tel12 · 01/01/2025 16:58

Why is he even buying her a present in the first place?

This. How many other family members does he buy presents for? I mean, if he's buying his brother's wife an expensive present, surely he's buying his brother something too...

Shetlands · 01/01/2025 22:14

This must be so upsetting for you!

If he's buying his SiL an expensive present, presumably his brother is buying the equivalent for you? If not, why not? Perhaps you already know the answer.

MsDogLady · 01/01/2025 22:14

This is quite disturbing, @H7529. You are being manipulated as your H continues to cross taboo lines with his brother’s Wife.

Theirs is absolutely not a platonic friendship and hasn’t been for a long time. He is in love with SIL and they’ve been having an intense EA at the least. He is obsessed with her and they will have found a way to take things underground since your discussion/pregnancy. I would assume that there is some degree of physical involvement.

His gifts are a reflection of his cherishment of her. You were an afterthought in 2023, and your receiving the identical perfume to hers in 2024 was a tactic he used to be able to give her another beautiful gift in plain sight. If he had indeed ended the affair and distanced himself, and you were his true priority, he would not have chosen the same gift for you both. [Plus, shudder to know he wants you to smell like her.] It’s clear that he was only paying lip-service during your discussion last year, as he is still ‘in infidelity’ with SIL.

@H7529, you are living in an extremely toxic situation with a twisted, destructive dynamic. You and H’s brother are being cuckolded and duped. I would have exited this shit show long ago, and I certainly wouldn’t expose a child to a home life where Dad is illicitly involved with Aunt and making a fool of Mom. It would be game over for me.

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 01/01/2025 22:19

He loves her. Maybe what they had is over (if not in his heart) but if you stay with him the gift giving has to stop.
Tell him from now on YOU will be buying for her. And token cheap shit it will be.

NotMyDayJob · 01/01/2025 22:23

It wasn’t even like ‘I got you this carefully chosen lovely perfume and thought she would like it as well’ he bought it for her and then realised he didn’t want to get into trouble like last year so bought you the exact same one (couldn’t even be bothered to take the time to chose you your own perfume)

can you really be that gullible Op?

AnonAnonmystery · 01/01/2025 22:28

It’s all unacceptable, your gift should be special and hers should be petrol shop flowers. He needs the riot act.

Freeme31 · 01/01/2025 22:44

Completely unacceptable, what other woman does he buy for. Is it just you and lets be honest his (not so secret) crush/woman he clearly fancies. Have you never heard of hiding in plane sight - if you've told him your not happy about this and he still does it - he is showing you who he is and who he considers more important ie his SIL/his other woman

Takenoprisoner · 01/01/2025 23:35

H7529 · 01/01/2025 16:47

His Brother seems to be zen about it all, so I wonder if I overreact. He must be aware to some extent, although he works away a lot. I did ask DH last year when we had our serious talk and he said that this brother doesn’t mind because he knows they’re just friends and that it would be absurd to think anything more, given their family situation (family is very important to him so I don’t think he’d ever go towards anything physical because of the family fallout).

it would be absurd to think anything more, given their family situation (family is very important to him so I don’t think he’d ever go towards anything physical because of the family fallout).

No. Just no. what's absurd is he expects you to believe this. And you seem to believe it. As if affairs never happen within families regardless of potential fallout. They do. This is exactly how affairs happen. You need to come down hard on him. He's already had an emotional affair with her. He needs to cut contact with her completely, no texting or calling, and only see her as a couple with you. From now on you buy joint presents for her that you both decide on. He's broken your trust and there have to be consequences.

Starseeking · 01/01/2025 23:46

AsTheLightFades · 01/01/2025 18:37

They are fucking each other.

I thought this, especially when OP mentioned that the brother works away a lot; he'd have no idea!

The DH has given himself a perfect cover for when he comes home to OP smelling of OW/SIL's bed/perfume.

Your DH is hiding in plain sight OP. I'd be getting all four of you together to have it out and gauge the reaction of the two of them when confronted. My money is on them looking guilty as sin.

justworking · 01/01/2025 23:54

Roryno · 01/01/2025 21:19

My ex bought me a perfume once. I was baffled at the time because I was an air hostess and got discounts in duty free. Then it became apparent that he was having an affair. The bastard obviously wanted me to smell like her 🤢

This was my first thought

Notrynajudge · 02/01/2025 00:00

There's definitely more going on and I think you are being a bit too chilled about this OP for the greater good.

Personally I think your DH is taking the absolute piss and hiding in plain sight.

I'm sorry but your OP reminded me of the Ryan Giggs story...fucking his brother's wife for EIGHT years😳

Copperoliverbear · 02/01/2025 00:02

Even if they're close, he should not be buying her presents and the fact that he has brought two of the same perfume makes me feel sick, he wants you to smell like her.
I feel like they're having an emotional affair, hopefully it won't get any worse.

TipsyJoker · 02/01/2025 00:40

He bought you the same perfume so he can smell it on you and think of her wearing it and how she would smell. Perfume is a very personal and romantic gift. Totally inappropriate. Start getting your ducks in a row. You can’t get this woman out of your life as she’s a relation and he is always going to have an inappropriate relationship with her. You deserve better.

YourGladSquid · 02/01/2025 00:47

I’d be livid if my DP spend the same money on me and some SIL, let alone if it was the same item.

OP, open your eyes. Talk first to her husband. Then to all of them together. There’s something iffy going on.

JoBrandsCleaner · 02/01/2025 00:49

Start flirting around with his brother, get him loads of amazing things for his birthday and get your husband some old man slippers from markses in the wrong size

Candy24 · 02/01/2025 00:55

It is the personal nature of the gift and his lack of awareness that is concerning he is either an idiot or a complete physco

Cakeandcoffee93 · 02/01/2025 01:04

a woman posted the other night she was jealous of her brother in law who she’d been having a long winded affair with- as she was moving on but he was having a baby and she backed off. I’d be wondering

Incakewetrust · 02/01/2025 01:08

I'd be absolutely furious. Perfume is such a personal gift.

Garlicnorth · 02/01/2025 03:29

Cakeandcoffee93 · 02/01/2025 01:04

a woman posted the other night she was jealous of her brother in law who she’d been having a long winded affair with- as she was moving on but he was having a baby and she backed off. I’d be wondering

Well, this is something! It's evidently far from a unique situation, but I'm now curious about this thread. Any chance of a link, please?

ChippedIkeaFurniture · 02/01/2025 03:38

This is so gross and weirdly incestuous, not to mention the obvious problem of him clearly crushing on another woman. There’s a reason we call them ‘sister/brother’ in law. The thought of being attracted to the person my sister is sleeping with is 🤢