Husband wants sex once a month or less.

[beazwx]

Hi everyone!
I will try to make the story short.

We have been married for almost 4 years. The first year of our marriage we spent 6 months without having sex, he said it was due work and that he was tired. Even on the weekends he would "be tired". Months later I found out he was watching porn and have been visiting strip clubs... one day he came home from a trip with friends with a love bite on his neck that he got from a stripper during a VIP lap dance. After that |left for almost a year, but we got back together. Our sex life was always a nightmare.
He would not even get hard sometimes. It feels like he doesn't have any need for sex.
The thing is I am tired of this sexless relationship. What makes it hard breaking up is that I love him more than anything, I have planned my whole life next to him and it is just so hard to let it go.
I have been wondering if he is still watching porn and got to hide it better from me...
I recently went through his old computer and I found out at least 2 different çamsex website he used to use in the past (the browser settings showed it was opened 4 to 5 years ago).

What do you guys think might be going on?

I talk to him and he says the lack of sex is bc he is tired, or bc his sex drive is lower than mine... but it's been difficult to buy it.

I am afraid I am being too naive. Bc even tough I am not happy, I still find myself too attached to him. We are like best friends. But I often feel we are like roommates too.

Any kind words would be appreciated.
Ps: I am 28yo and he is 36.

So nice to hear that you guys are a happy couple!!

and even tough you work too much there’s still energy and interest for sex, right? Bc he blames work all the time by saying he is too tired. One day he even said we should have sex before 20:00, bc if it gets later than this he will be even more tired… which I understand but camon, he works from 9 to 4, it isn’t that much, except for now that he has been working extra (from home), then he would be finished at 10PM

28 with no kids?! You shouldn’t even need to think about this decision OP — ditch that shit and find yourself the real man you deserve!

Whilst I agree the relationship has little chance of a happy future, I think we've moved past connecting 'real men' with specific behaviours like high libido as we have with 'real women' being (list all the attributes men have decided women should have)

He is a real man. Just not one that is right for the OP it seems.

I wasn’t actually referring to libido, though I can see how it was interpreted as such. What I meant was that a decent man (perhaps I should’ve used that term instead) doesn’t fuck about with strippers and expect his wife to put up with it. OP can do better than this knuckle-dragger.

unless he’s got an underlying health problem, I really cant see tiredness being the real issue. Unless of course he’s got a very physical job, and even then, my friends who work 12 hour+ days doing manual labour are absolute physical beasts, who would have no issues. I hope you resolve things, but sounds like an ultimatum is needed. Best of luck

Waffling nonsense. People who use paragraphs and pages instead of succinct sentences are not intelligent.

“The Secret Sexual Basement” is a metaphor to help us better understand the concept of a deceptive, compartmentalized, sexual-relational reality (DCSR) in the context of an intimate relationship(s) or family system. It represents a person’s deceptively hidden sexual, romantic, and/or emotional intimacy with others that is not shared with the primary intimate partner.

This is literally just a description of what is commonly known as "cheating."

Why make up a new term just to sound smart? Just call it "cheating." That's what it is.

Porn. Strip clubs. Private dances. Love bites. I wonder how much you don’t know.

He sounds disgusting.

You’re so young. Don’t saddle yourself with this horrible man for a day longer, and don’t saddle any future children with this creep for a father.

Stop wasting your youth on him.
💐

OP you need to get out because he clearly doesn't value you.i got addicted to porn and having sex at an age I should not of even known about stuff like that.its why I monitor my sons phone.its all to easy to get addicted these days but each person is responsible for their own actions.he is getting himself off over someones daughter,mother sister etc he doesn't respect you.thats probably hard to hear,but unfortunately that's what it is.op he's neglecting you because he's getting his kicks from elsewhere

Thank you!

I was talking to a friend and she said that all men watches porn! I am starting to believe I will never find a man who doesn’t watch it.

Thanks for sharing your story.

did you get rid of the addiction?

Even tough my husband did all this stuff in the past, do you think he is still doing it?

I was talking to a friend and she said that there’s no men who doesn’t watch porn. 🥲 I don’t think I will ever find a man who doesn’t like it.

Thank you!!

I was talking to a friend and she said that every man watches porn! But in my case my husband seems to be addicted right? There’s a difference there

Every man doesnt watch porn.
Also, all porn is not equal. Whatever he is into he clearly doesn't feel its possible to share it with you.

Most strip clubs have a strict no touching rule so a love bite would be a no no. Strippers generally wouldnt touch the men who pay them. It's an odd story.

Are you sure he isn't using prostitutes?

I wonder whether he may have a bit of a problem that he doesn't want to see a doctor for - such as not becoming hard fast enough or long enough etc. and is attempting to "DIY the issue"?
Alternatively, there is no actual issue but he feels that there is and so he is attempting the very same thing for an imagined problem - aka "willy training"?
I am offering an alternative suggestion for the behaviour on the grounds that some men can take anything they deem as an 'underperformance' very personally...
I hope that you can get it sorted anyway. All the best. 🌸

Prostitutes would be my guess considering the fact that strippers have such strict rules as you mentioned… I just don’t know if he is still doing it or not… the lack of sex is real

He's obviously interested in sex, just not with you,for whatever reason. I'm sure that's really upsetting, but it's a him problem, not a you problem - you deserve so much better.

bank statements might show money going missing every so often. It might also show if he's paying for something like OF. any condom packets lying around

lots of escorts do girfriend experience... maybe thats why he got a lovebite?

@beazwx I am a married man and I rarely watch porn and would be happy to quit completely if my wife asked me to (but she said she doesn't care.) I have some male friends who say they don't watch porn and I think they're being honest. But we are all in our 40s so I'm not sure whether the younger generation are more likely to be hooked on porn or not.

Do you really want to resign yourself to that for the rest of your life?

The fact that he only wants sex once a month at the age of 36, when he doesn't even have kids to contend with, is not normal. It sounds like he does have a libido, but prefers cam girls and strippers to regular women. You deserve better.

Thank you!

I really don’t want to live like that. But he used to visit cam girls websites when he was single… I just think he might still be watching some porn (which is also not acceptable). He said he has stopped with everything u know? But we still don’t have sex enough and it makes me wonder if there’s something going on.

Use the week he’s away to make your decision to leave him, and start arranging it. The sooner you free yourself of him, the sooner you can focus on yourself and become ready to meet someone new in the future.

You probably never will.

I agree about desire though. He clearly doesn’t really see you that way. A lot of people are in relationships like this and women tend to ignore it. I don’t know why.

It hurts. The problem (with me), is that I haven’t found anything suspicious on his phone lately so I actually don’t know if he is still doing something behind my back since all this stuff I mentioned he used to do in the past. I don’t know where this lack of sex come from anymore

Older woman advice here: yes most men watch porn, and if they say they don’t they’re usually lying to you. Porn has become so “normalised” because you no longer need to go to some seedy movie theatre in a red light district and pay to go inside, porn is in our phones, and it’s free. Porn is never going away, you can filter it but we’re going to need to learn how to live with it - we like it or not- . Personally (as long as all is consensual) I don’t have a problem with it, it becomes a problem when it interferes in my marriage, full stop. The OP’s case is quite extreme because her husband has a complete alternate sex life that doesn’t include her.

I’m shocked she’s putting up with this shyte.

Hi! OP here. Thanks for the reply!

But you don’t choose porn over your wife, right? I think watching porn every now and then wouldn’t be a big deal if we had an active sex life.

I am still with him bc the strip club, cam sex, etc is something that he used to do in the past, I actually don’t know if he is still doing that, but the lack of sex is real, which bothers me anyway.