Husband wants sex once a month or less.

[beazwx]

Hi everyone!
I will try to make the story short.

We have been married for almost 4 years. The first year of our marriage we spent 6 months without having sex, he said it was due work and that he was tired. Even on the weekends he would "be tired". Months later I found out he was watching porn and have been visiting strip clubs... one day he came home from a trip with friends with a love bite on his neck that he got from a stripper during a VIP lap dance. After that |left for almost a year, but we got back together. Our sex life was always a nightmare.
He would not even get hard sometimes. It feels like he doesn't have any need for sex.
The thing is I am tired of this sexless relationship. What makes it hard breaking up is that I love him more than anything, I have planned my whole life next to him and it is just so hard to let it go.
I have been wondering if he is still watching porn and got to hide it better from me...
I recently went through his old computer and I found out at least 2 different çamsex website he used to use in the past (the browser settings showed it was opened 4 to 5 years ago).

What do you guys think might be going on?

I talk to him and he says the lack of sex is bc he is tired, or bc his sex drive is lower than mine... but it's been difficult to buy it.

I am afraid I am being too naive. Bc even tough I am not happy, I still find myself too attached to him. We are like best friends. But I often feel we are like roommates too.

Any kind words would be appreciated.
Ps: I am 28yo and he is 36.

He sees you a a flatmate and doesn’t fancy you. Is this what you want in a partner? I would run to the hills.

So nice to hear about your positive experience with your husband! I hope one day I will be as lucky as you! Thank you for shaping and for the advice!

Can you believe that when we travel, we rarely have sex on the trips? Especially me, who always thought it was fun to be in a hotel, a different place… when I look to the side, he is already sleeping! Just feels like he is avoiding me. I have to flight to get him to have sex

Aw OP, he sounds so creepy and sleazy. I'm no wallflower but everything here sets off my creeped out sensors in every way.

Why do you want him to want you? He's gross, he's creepy. I tell you, he's lying to you about more than you realise. I don't believe this is a man to feel pity or compassion for. I'd feel some compassion for a man struggling with erectile difficulties but not this.

When I was 29 I really fell for this guy. He was such a wrongun. I just didn't have the sense, the self esteem,the life experience to just drop that one immediately. I would like to go back to that 29 year old and say come on girl, get rid of this one. You are so much more than this.

Get rid of the porn addled creep

Please think about yourself and be 'selfish'- really you are away and he is asleep? Honestly at your age every time we went (and still!!) go away it's all part of the novelty. It shouldn't be this much work. Relationships shouldn't be hard work and especially only 4 yrs in.
You will come across hard times- maybe awful times but tackle as a team- you matter-you really do and don't cling on to some misguided loyalty. Take care of you and I don't think this one is a keeper- so sorry x
PS DH can irritate the hell out of me at times- neither of us are perfect I'm not Pollyanna here but this one sounds like there are so many issues so few years in- at your age i would bin him off.

@beazwx Keep in mind that porn is very lazy and easy compared to sex. Someone using porn doesn't mean they are hiding something, or lying about having a low sex drive. It could be that his sex drive is still high enough for porn usage, but not high enough to actually have sex- many people can relate to this.

Also keep in mind that sex drive drops off drastically for many men once they are in their 30s. I think it's maybe been a year and a half since I last had sex. I don't really care for it and there are many other things occupying my time.

He’s libido is fine (as his use of porn and cam girls demostrate), just tell him that if he’s so keen in fulfilling his sexual desire out of the marriage you’re planning to do the same and go into fabswingers and get a couple of fuck buddies. If he complaints tell him you didn’t sign up for a sexless marriage. Regarding you ‘loving him’ I too love my friends but I don’t have sex with them hence the reason they’re just ‘friends’. Having a partner who doesn’t want to have sex with you is terrible for ones self esteem.

Do you want a sexless relationship? As this won’t change. Don’t waste your time on this guy.

I don’t think he needs his testosterone testing. He doesn’t have a low sex drive. He is frequently using porn, strip clubs etc to the point it’s wrecking his marriage. That’s not a low sex drive is it?

You’re 28. 😲 he’s 36.

I’d suspect prostitutes and a fairly continuous use of porn.

But it doesn’t matter. He’s cheated. And the relationship is likely dead. He doesn’t love you like you love him.

You’re so young. I hope you get free of this disgusting specimen and find a way forward on your own.

You should read my thread. My dh nowhere near as bad as that and it’s caused tension over and over again but now kids involved.

It sounds like he might prefer porn.

You’re young, leave leave leave.

My thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5211543-updated-continued-reverse-thread-husband-just-walked-out-intimacy-issues?page=7&reply=139917958

He no doubt has a secret sexual basement.

Another person has mentioned Minwalla - here’s a link. I think he has really hit on something with this article and it’s a shame it’s not discussed more.

uploads-ssl.webflow.com/61708b185d7d724acc2096da/61a5399eb4455c2a32f84d60_The_Secret_Sexual_Basement_Nov_2021.pdf

Seek counselling to find out why YOU don’t want to leave him. No kids. Run, run, run.

Edited to say don’t run due to the lack of sex - with many you could work through this. But run because he is a liar - you know he lies. He hides things from you. He has a but in his fidelity. I am faithful but strippers don’t count. I am faithful but if I pay for it it’s not really cheating. I am faithful but not if my wife doesn’t find out.

Im intrigued as to how you met and had he had a previous relationship? Why did that end? At his age I can’t see him changing.

I would suggest he has erectile dysfunction. Hes avoiding sex with you , and using porn etc to try to get one its a very common practice x

No sex once a month wouldn't bother me because I would have zero sex drive to go near a man that pays for sex workers (be it a stripper or cam girls).

You are still so young, there will be someone who loves you enough to offer you a better future.

I definitely need some therapy to understand why I am still with him. I must be very dumb bc one of his excuses to the lack of sex is that he says he needs a couple of days to disconnect from work, to relax and finally be able to have sex. (but he can concentrate to do anything else like playing golf for 6 hous for example).

I think I hang myself on the fact that must of those terrible things happened in the past (but its probably still happening behind my back due our bad sex life)

not mention when he says he is lazy to initiate

Sorry, he sounds like he’s still using all his energy solo. Tell him exactly how you feel, what you need and if he can’t give you that, you’ll never be happy. Approaching 50 here, nearly 30 years married, work long hours and fit in lots of exercise. I absolutely adore my wife and want to spend every bit of extra energy making her happy, emotionally and sexually. You get one chance at this, don’t settle, there’s plenty of good men out there who will give you what you deserve.

We met on tinder. I am actually from another country.

He had around 2 serious relationships where he lived together. The first one lasted for around 5 years, the second one (before me), lasted for around 3 years. He said she cheated on him 🤔

Now you know why she cheated on him 😟

You’re young and childless, you should leave. This won’t change. There’s a similar thread going round where a woman has been miserable like this for 16 years.

Just leave him.

Just leave him, and get counselling to work out why love for you means being a doormat for things. How he behaves is not in your control. Why and how you could love a man regardless of behaving like that, is your issue. He clearly gets off on illicit sex encounters - hence the lap dances and love-bites. That is in his taste, his prefered kink, and that will not change. You shouldn't love him.

What makes it hard breaking up is that I love him more than anything, I have planned my whole life next to him it is just so hard to let it go

Why oh why would you want to spend your life with this disgusting creep?

Honestly? At your age? With no kids? I’d leave.