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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband masturbates next to me while I sleep.

118 replies

DazedAndConfusedHere · 31/12/2023 12:12

That’s it really. Throughout our relationship I have often woken up during the night to find him lying next to me masturbating.

I have always said I don’t like it. Not that he masturbates - we all do - but not while I’m lying next to him sleeping.

He continues to do it and doesn’t see a problem with it. We are having wider relationship issues at the moment, but even when things have been good he has still always done it.

Is this weird or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
HappyHamsters · 31/12/2023 13:09

Single beds or move into the spare r9om if you've got one. Maybe start hoovering when he starts .

Mazuslongtoenail · 31/12/2023 13:10

For balance - another one here who wouldn’t be bothered. And he wouldn’t if the roles were reversed.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 31/12/2023 13:12

DazedAndConfusedHere · 31/12/2023 12:51

He does it when he says he can’t sleep and is bored of scrolling his phone so decides to knock one out.

It wakes me up as the whole bed is moving in time with him and he makes noises too.

Quite honestly it makes me feel sick. I am no prude and don’t have a problem with him doing it, just not while I’m sleeping next to him.

He usually finishes in a tissue that he has prepared ready, and shoves it under the bed - and leaves it there - which again I find gross.

He has a toxic disrespect and is pissing all over your boundaries.

He either thinks "Oh, Dazed doesn't like this, does she? She's told me this before. Oh well, fuck her, my needs matter more / She's not telling me what I can and can't do. I'll make her feel like shit. That will teach her"

Or your boundaries and feelings never cross his mind at all.

Which is worse?

Stuffing a spunky tissue under the bed makes it doubly disrespectful.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 31/12/2023 13:16

For those saying it wouldn't bother then, that's not the point. The point is the OP has told him repeatedly she doesn't like it, yet he does it anyway.

Clear boundaries in a relationship are most important. Respect is everything.

What else would it be OK for someone to do sexually, when the partner has explicitly said they don't like something?

ohdamnitjanet · 31/12/2023 13:18

DazedAndConfusedHere · 31/12/2023 12:51

He does it when he says he can’t sleep and is bored of scrolling his phone so decides to knock one out.

It wakes me up as the whole bed is moving in time with him and he makes noises too.

Quite honestly it makes me feel sick. I am no prude and don’t have a problem with him doing it, just not while I’m sleeping next to him.

He usually finishes in a tissue that he has prepared ready, and shoves it under the bed - and leaves it there - which again I find gross.

Yup, that’s horrible and disrespectful and would give me the massive ick. I’d be shoving those tissues into his pockets.

MumHereAgain2023 · 31/12/2023 13:22

Weird.

369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 13:23

RainbowZebraWarrior · 31/12/2023 13:16

For those saying it wouldn't bother then, that's not the point. The point is the OP has told him repeatedly she doesn't like it, yet he does it anyway.

Clear boundaries in a relationship are most important. Respect is everything.

What else would it be OK for someone to do sexually, when the partner has explicitly said they don't like something?

Exactly!

This could be able blowing his nose or cutting his toe nails in bed during the night.

It’s not about the act.

Its about the fact that OP doesn’t like it next to her when she’s sleeping, it wakes her up and he leaves the tissues on the floor.

OP has said she doesn’t mind him doing it but has expressed that she doesn’t like it next to her when she’s asleep.

He’s being very disrespectful to ignore her and do it anyway, knowing that it makes her uncomfortable.

Weekendwanderer · 31/12/2023 13:25

My DH does it regularly and half the time I join in or it leads to sex as I find it a turn on.
But if you’ve explicitly told him you don’t like it and asked him not to then it’s hugely disrespectful.

CarrotCake01 · 31/12/2023 13:28

I had an ex who used to masterbate like this but in his sleep!

I don't know if it would bother me necessarily, it depends on my mood at the time and how the relationship was going but I think the red flag here is that you don't like it and have asked him to stop.

It's very disrespectful of him to completely disregard your feelings and opinions when it's a shared bed etc though and it's waking you up etc

FreeRider · 31/12/2023 13:29

Yuk.

My ex husband (ex for other reasons) did this once before we were married..told me when I woke up, seemed to find it funny...my reaction conveyed to him that I saw it as anything but and he never did it again.

If possible, I'd be moving to a separate bed, in a different room...

BalletBob · 31/12/2023 13:32

It's really grim. He's involving you in a sexual act against your will. He's forcing you to be present in a sexual situation that you have expressly told him you do not consent to being in, and that makes you very uncomfortable.

If you were sharing a sleeping space i.e. a hostel dorm, sleeper cabin etc - or any space for that matter - with a strange man who started masturbating, he would be thrown out and you'd call the police. It would be recognised for what it is. The fact that you are married to this man does not give him the right to trample your sexual boundaries. He isn't entitled to involve you in sex acts you don't consent to. Not wanting someone to masturbate next to you is a valid sexual boundary. Don't let anyone gaslight you into accepting this just because they would.

TomatoSandwiches · 31/12/2023 13:33

As you've told him your objections and he has other places to do it then I think it's disrespectful and grim.
If he was waking me up with it I would disrupt him enough to not make it possible for him to finish what he started within my vicinity.

And then I'd think about leaving the arse.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 31/12/2023 13:34

Grim

readingismycardio · 31/12/2023 13:43

DazedAndConfusedHere · 31/12/2023 12:51

He does it when he says he can’t sleep and is bored of scrolling his phone so decides to knock one out.

It wakes me up as the whole bed is moving in time with him and he makes noises too.

Quite honestly it makes me feel sick. I am no prude and don’t have a problem with him doing it, just not while I’m sleeping next to him.

He usually finishes in a tissue that he has prepared ready, and shoves it under the bed - and leaves it there - which again I find gross.

I rarely say LTB, but this is a clear LTB & run for the hills for me. This is a tremendous lack of respect and care. Ew. No.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 31/12/2023 13:44

SnufflyBunny · 31/12/2023 12:28

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest

It wouldn't bother me either as long as he didn't wake me up.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 31/12/2023 13:46

IMustDoMoreExercise · 31/12/2023 13:44

It wouldn't bother me either as long as he didn't wake me up.

Show quote history

The point of the OP is that he is waking her up and she's told him it's bothering her.

CellarCaller · 31/12/2023 13:47

As a man I agree that this is disrespectful and weird because the OP has asked him not to and she is being woken up.

I am however intrigued if any women masturbate secretly while their partner is asleep alongside them?
I'm guessing yes as women can do it much more discreetly.

TomatoSandwiches · 31/12/2023 14:02

CellarCaller · 31/12/2023 13:47

As a man I agree that this is disrespectful and weird because the OP has asked him not to and she is being woken up.

I am however intrigued if any women masturbate secretly while their partner is asleep alongside them?
I'm guessing yes as women can do it much more discreetly.

I'm sure some women do, not sure what that has to do with the post though?

Seems like you are fishing for some wanking material yourself, there are other forums for that thank you 😒

TheSunIsShiningAndTheSkyIsBlue · 31/12/2023 14:08

Yuk, l couldn't think of anything worse. I am so glad l have never had this issue.
I sleep alone now and it's heaven.

VORE · 31/12/2023 14:10

BalletBob · 31/12/2023 13:32

It's really grim. He's involving you in a sexual act against your will. He's forcing you to be present in a sexual situation that you have expressly told him you do not consent to being in, and that makes you very uncomfortable.

If you were sharing a sleeping space i.e. a hostel dorm, sleeper cabin etc - or any space for that matter - with a strange man who started masturbating, he would be thrown out and you'd call the police. It would be recognised for what it is. The fact that you are married to this man does not give him the right to trample your sexual boundaries. He isn't entitled to involve you in sex acts you don't consent to. Not wanting someone to masturbate next to you is a valid sexual boundary. Don't let anyone gaslight you into accepting this just because they would.

This! I would say this is dangerously close to rape.

If my husband did this it would be divorce time asap.

BalletBob · 31/12/2023 14:12

IMustDoMoreExercise · 31/12/2023 13:44

It wouldn't bother me either as long as he didn't wake me up.

Show quote history

How is this relevant? OP is bothered. Why are you trying to encourage her to allow her husband to ignore a sexual boundary?

CellarCaller · 31/12/2023 14:13

TomatoSandwiches · 31/12/2023 14:02

I'm sure some women do, not sure what that has to do with the post though?

Seems like you are fishing for some wanking material yourself, there are other forums for that thank you 😒

Show quote history

I think it's the level of vitriol at the mere thought of a man doing something that I suspect many women do
If it's occasionally done discreetly and quietly, without malevolence then I don't think it's a big deal. (Obviously re-iterating that what OPs husband is doing is wrong)

Grimpo · 31/12/2023 14:15

Keep a jug of ice by the bed ready to pour the contents over his genitals next time he does it.

Grimpo · 31/12/2023 14:16

IMustDoMoreExercise · 31/12/2023 13:44

It wouldn't bother me either as long as he didn't wake me up.

Show quote history

Well, obviously, because you wouldn't know about it. You haven't taken this discussion forward a whole lot.

amylou8 · 31/12/2023 14:18

Doesn't bother me. But you've told him it bothers you and he still does it. That shows a total lack of respect for you.