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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband masturbates next to me while I sleep.

118 replies

DazedAndConfusedHere · 31/12/2023 12:12

That’s it really. Throughout our relationship I have often woken up during the night to find him lying next to me masturbating.

I have always said I don’t like it. Not that he masturbates - we all do - but not while I’m lying next to him sleeping.

He continues to do it and doesn’t see a problem with it. We are having wider relationship issues at the moment, but even when things have been good he has still always done it.

Is this weird or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
JustExistingNotLiving · 01/01/2024 07:45

squigglygiggly · 01/01/2024 07:31

But it's not doing anything sexual to her. It's controlling demanding that she gets to say when he masturbates. No one gets to tell you what you can and can not do with your own^^ body. You've got this consent/abuse/control thing all the wrong way around. It is the OP who is being abusive. It's one thing to say you don't want sex. It's quite another to dictate what and when her partner can pleasure himself.

It’s not controlling at all sorry.

He is waking her up because if tte noise and movement - aka he is making a point to make it as obvious as possible when he knows she doesn’t like it.

He leaves his dirty tissues under the bed for her to find (and I imagine to sort out too).

She is finding it gross, like you could find a lot if other things gross, let’s say noisily sniffling next to her. But he has decided that respecting her isn’t important enough for him to go somewhere else. Rather he he is doing it knowing she’ll be woken up and grossed out by it. I’d say you need to be very weird to get hard and have an orgasm whilst knowing the effect it’ll have on the person next to you. Unless it’s about control?

He can have a wank somewhere else in the house. There are plenty of places available incl the sofa so he can fall asleep straight away if he wants.

Its simply disrespectful and i suspect a way to make a point that he’ll do as he pleases.

GothConversionTherapy · 01/01/2024 09:19

squigglygiggly · 01/01/2024 07:31

But it's not doing anything sexual to her. It's controlling demanding that she gets to say when he masturbates. No one gets to tell you what you can and can not do with your own^^ body. You've got this consent/abuse/control thing all the wrong way around. It is the OP who is being abusive. It's one thing to say you don't want sex. It's quite another to dictate what and when her partner can pleasure himself.

So if they're at the inlaws for a Sunday meal and he starts wanking at the table, it would be abusive to tell him to stop ? Got it.

susiedaisy1912 · 01/01/2024 09:41

BalletBob · 31/12/2023 13:32

It's really grim. He's involving you in a sexual act against your will. He's forcing you to be present in a sexual situation that you have expressly told him you do not consent to being in, and that makes you very uncomfortable.

If you were sharing a sleeping space i.e. a hostel dorm, sleeper cabin etc - or any space for that matter - with a strange man who started masturbating, he would be thrown out and you'd call the police. It would be recognised for what it is. The fact that you are married to this man does not give him the right to trample your sexual boundaries. He isn't entitled to involve you in sex acts you don't consent to. Not wanting someone to masturbate next to you is a valid sexual boundary. Don't let anyone gaslight you into accepting this just because they would.

This

JIMMI85 · 01/01/2024 09:42

This isn’t about whether the act in itself is wrong but whether it is wrong as he know OH doesn’t like it, and therefore of course it’s wrong.

I will often knock one out if I can’t sleep and I’m on my own, but I can’t imagine doing it with my OH lying next to me.

what does he do/watch? If he’s watching porn next to you then that’s wrong IMO, not that I find porn in itself wrong but it’s disrespectful when you are next to him. If he’s using his own stimulation, then IMO this is only wrong being you have already expressed to him you don’t like it.

for context, I had a little play last week when my OH was in the shower getting ready for work. I was horny and we didn’t have time for sex before she got up. She caught me and asked me what I was doing. I panicked thinking she’d blow her lid but when I told her and showed her what I was watching ( videos of us being intimate) she was fine. Pretty sure if it was porn she’d act differently.

Plazzy · 01/01/2024 09:57

Deffo disrespectful. OP has said she doesn't like it but he persists. That's unacceptable. And the tissue is gross, what is he, a teenager?

But OP, you say 'Quite honestly it makes me feel sick. I am no prude and don’t have a problem with him doing it, just not while I’m sleeping next to him.'

This sounds a bit contradictory tbh. No prude, no problem, but you feel sick? This might be a language thing; are you using 'sick' to describe your anger at his ignoring your feelings on this? Or do you really mean, you're repelled by it and it turns your stomach? In which case, maybe you do have a problem with it? How would you feel if he masturbated, say, at bedtime? Say, you'd both gone to bed, he felt sexual but you didn't & so he asked (the asking is so important) if you'd be ok with him sorting himself out? And tidying up after, obvs.

I'm trying to get at whether it's the physical act in itself that's the problem or the lack of respect. Because, as other posters have suggested, just because he's wanking, that doesn't mean it's not a sexual act between you. You're there in the room, awake, woken up by it. You can't be neutral, uninvolved. At the very least, you're forced either to indicate in some way that you're ok with it (eg watching, or at least appearing unconcerned) or to indicate in some way that you're not (eg annoyed face, turning away).

It's impossible to be awake and be neutral, but by carrying on wanking, knowing you're awake, he's demanding that. In effect, he's saying, can you just erase yourself until I come. Is that what is pissing you off? Or is it more the physicality of the act? I ask because if it's the former, I guess there's at least the possibility of making him realise that he's putting you in a really unfair position - one which is bound to have repercussions on the consensual side of your sex life. Bring back the consent, and you may find a solution. But if it's the latter - or he carries on trampling on your feelings, then there's no chance.

Lokw · 10/06/2024 12:24

My husband does masterbate He talks to a ghost. I'm laying next to him the hole time .I'm ready for sex .his sex I'd great .but he rather chose masterbate. I don't know y
.yes I'm sad an upset. What do I do

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 10/06/2024 12:33

ZOMBIE 🧟‍♂️ 🧟‍♀️ THREAD

MaryHinges · 10/06/2024 12:34

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 10/06/2024 12:33

ZOMBIE 🧟‍♂️ 🧟‍♀️ THREAD

That might be why he talks to a ghost when he masturbates 😂

Naughty1973 · 13/07/2024 06:46

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

goldsocks · 13/07/2024 09:19

VORE · 31/12/2023 14:10

This! I would say this is dangerously close to rape.

If my husband did this it would be divorce time asap.

Edited

I agree. My ex used to do this and I hated it. Eventually he escalated it to trying to penetrate me in my sleep.

LunaKitty · 26/09/2024 03:17

I'm currently going through some SA issues. I woke up thismorning to the whole bed rocking because my partner was walking next to me. He laughed and said sorry. I've been awake since it happen, I've been feeling sick since. We says he doesn't have issues with us not having s3x but he knows I'm having these issues and just laughed at me when I said to get out of the room. I now don't even want to sleep in the same bed. What's wrong with me?

Helper101 · 03/10/2024 21:18

How long have you been withholding sex, blowjobs, hand jobs, etc. while expecting the man you are intended to love and cherish not to take care of himself in the way you refuse to?
Eh Count Ah Billy T

Helper101 · 03/10/2024 21:28

That is textbook display of being purposely myopic to avoid the truth of the post.
Classy.
His body is his and if it is not being satisfied from a situation of being lovelorn, it is in NO WAY any of her business to dictate to him if and when he can masterbate as he is clearly not being treated with anything but contempt for his agency and his bodily autonomy by her ignorance of him.

TomatoSandwiches · 03/10/2024 21:31

No one, even married people are entitled to sex, to love and cherish does not mean allowing your spouse to use your body as a sex toy or recptical.
Believe it or not masterbating infront of anyone that does not consent to witness it (including a spouse) is sexual assault.
He can leave if he wants to but he can not wank infront of his wife if she does not want him to.

LunaKitty · 04/10/2024 00:27

I don't care if he jerks off but did you not read the message. I don't want it happening right next to me while I try to sleep. Him and I spoke and I told him these comments and he said you all should be disgusted in yourself for saying that to a SA victim.

Helper101 · 04/10/2024 20:30

Clearly there are underlying issues here the female partner doesn't want to reveal as that may result in her having to be accountable for her role in the man resorting to such a physical act to relieve himself. This doesn't just happen out of the blue in devoted men.
She should be glad he is sticking by her while having to resort to self-play as his current sexual life.
Oy vey!

Ivegotaboneinmyleg · 04/10/2024 20:53

DazedAndConfusedHere · 31/12/2023 12:51

He does it when he says he can’t sleep and is bored of scrolling his phone so decides to knock one out.

It wakes me up as the whole bed is moving in time with him and he makes noises too.

Quite honestly it makes me feel sick. I am no prude and don’t have a problem with him doing it, just not while I’m sleeping next to him.

He usually finishes in a tissue that he has prepared ready, and shoves it under the bed - and leaves it there - which again I find gross.

I am going to be a bit different and say that would actually turn me on if my DH did that? Okay, I will shut up and go away now...

VORE · 07/10/2024 14:19

If your partner did this in bed with a child then this would be considered child abuse.

I don’t understand how anyone thinks this is anything but SA. By doing it in the bed you are involving someone in a sexual act against their consent.

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