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Original poster

Marriage Coach

109 replies

Bishops0411 · 25/12/2023 22:13

Hi all,

I’m hoping for advice/recommendations as my wife and I have been going through some troublesome times together.

Last week we discussed our options and as we both love each other we agreed to get help.

My wife has left it up to me to look into things, and I really don’t want to go to ‘traditional’ marriage counselling as personally, I don’t believe it’s effective. While we do have things to discuss and resolve from the past, I don’t see how having someone listen to us for an hour of ‘he said, she said’ is at all productive.

So I’m on the hunt for something else.

I spoke to a marriage coach called Stephen Hedger who sounds amazing. He speaks to both partners together, then individually to get to the root of the problem, then reports back with a plan to resolve the issue/s. However, he charges about £10k which I simply cannot afford!

I was wondering (hoping) that someone else might have found something that they could recommend.

OP posts:
Autumcolors · 25/12/2023 22:15

Have you tried being kind and thoughtful to each other? For a prolonged period? And having sex?

Surprisenewtcatcher · 25/12/2023 22:23

A quick Google sends me to Stephen Hedger's Google maps location, which describes him as a marriage counsellor. Marriage coach is a different way to say the same thing. Why is it important to you to get a marriage counsellor that celebrities and CEOs use? Get a marriage cousellor who you can afford, and you feel you could work with and give it a try.

educatingrati · 25/12/2023 22:31

Autumcolors · 25/12/2023 22:15

Have you tried being kind and thoughtful to each other? For a prolonged period? And having sex?

This!
What is it that's causing the issues?
Are you both splitting the chores 50/50?
Do you both carry the mental load if you have kids?
Do you have similar likes and dislikes?
Do you get to spend time together without interruptions.
Are you both getting enough sleep?
Do you both love and respect each other
And most importantly how well do you communicate with each other?

educatingrati · 25/12/2023 22:33

You don't have to answer any questions, just a few things for you you to chew over and you need to be really honest with yourself!

BadSkiingMum · 25/12/2023 22:37

I think give Relate a try - their counsellors are specifically trained in working with couples, it is means tested and you definitely won’t spend £10k!

There is something else that I read about on here, like a marriage weekend residential course? I can’t remember the name but some searching might bring it up.

Or working through an ‘improve your relationship’ book together?

Or try a retreat or similar experience?

But basically anything you do to try to improve your marriage is always cheaper than divorce!

Original poster
Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 00:26

Autumcolors · 25/12/2023 22:15

Have you tried being kind and thoughtful to each other? For a prolonged period? And having sex?

We have been together for 14 years. The first 7 or 8 were incredible. Then it began to go downhill. We have issues that stem from incidents that happened from 5 or 6 years ago. Despite these issues, we’ve been kind and thoughtful since then. But it’s reached the point where something needs to change. We need external/professional help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 00:28

Quite simply, Stephen Hedgers approach is different from traditional counselling such as relate. His success rates are extremely high. Where as counselling is not. I can say this from experience, as I have used relate before in a previous relationship.

OP posts:
Random30 · 26/12/2023 00:31

Can I ask OP why did you get the task of arranging the counselor/coach?

MN might be tough love, but there is very good value advice on this board.

Original poster
Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 00:35

We both work full-time, and share the chores/responsibility for the kids very well. From that respect, we are very good at being spouses/parents. But I did some things quite a while ago that I didn’t think were a very big deal, but my wife still resents me for them. That’s where the problems stem from.

We’ve tried everything we could think of in terms of spending more quality time together and having romantic weekends away to reconnect, etc. and while we often feel good at the time and for a while after, something always comes up to cause a disagreement/fight, and the last comes up again.

We need professional help. And by professional help, I mean we need someone to listen to both of us and then guide us towards repairing the damage that was done. Not to just sit in a room and take it in turns to complain about each other.

OP posts:
category12 · 26/12/2023 00:36

What were the things you did?

Original poster
Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 00:38

I’ve tried to persuade my wife to join me on various online courses. But she’s not interested. I think we need to work with someone one on one. Preferably face to face.

A retreat could be worth looking into though. Thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 00:40

I took out a loan to try to start my own business. I knew she wasn’t keen, but now she says that she told me not to do it.

she says that in doing so, I broke her trust and put our family at risk financially.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 00:41

Random30 · 26/12/2023 00:31

Can I ask OP why did you get the task of arranging the counselor/coach?

MN might be tough love, but there is very good value advice on this board.

I have been saying for years that I am worried that our marriage is dwindling at that if we didn’t get help, eventually it would crumble. So when we last spoke about it, I guess it fell on me because I was the one that first suggested it.

OP posts:
Pelham678 · 26/12/2023 00:44

Have you owned what you did which so hurt your wife? Have you explored what led you to that point.

The thing is that your wife can't trust you, and all of the nice gestures you make are worthless without trust.

Forget couples counselling for now and go and see an individual counsellor. Make sure you see someone who will challenge you and hold you to account, not someone who'll just listen. If you want this marriage to work you have to be able to face your fears and deal with whatever made you screw up. That kind of therapy is painful, sometimes you might feel shame. But it will make you a much better person and partner.

Three months of that kind of therapy and you'll start to be ready for couples counselling because you'll have much greater self awareness and be able to own whatever shit you've brought to the marriage.

I also recommend Matthew Fray's book (This is how your marriage ends, a hopeful guide to saving relationships). He's the kind of marriage coach I think you're looking for and you can follow some of his techniques.

Random30 · 26/12/2023 00:44

Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 00:40

I took out a loan to try to start my own business. I knew she wasn’t keen, but now she says that she told me not to do it.

she says that in doing so, I broke her trust and put our family at risk financially.

of those two issues
(a) you broke trust and
(b) you put the family financially at risks
can you outline what your response is?

stealtheatingtunnocks · 26/12/2023 00:52

Ten grand?

Original poster
Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 01:02

Pelham678 · 26/12/2023 00:44

Have you owned what you did which so hurt your wife? Have you explored what led you to that point.

The thing is that your wife can't trust you, and all of the nice gestures you make are worthless without trust.

Forget couples counselling for now and go and see an individual counsellor. Make sure you see someone who will challenge you and hold you to account, not someone who'll just listen. If you want this marriage to work you have to be able to face your fears and deal with whatever made you screw up. That kind of therapy is painful, sometimes you might feel shame. But it will make you a much better person and partner.

Three months of that kind of therapy and you'll start to be ready for couples counselling because you'll have much greater self awareness and be able to own whatever shit you've brought to the marriage.

I also recommend Matthew Fray's book (This is how your marriage ends, a hopeful guide to saving relationships). He's the kind of marriage coach I think you're looking for and you can follow some of his techniques.

Edited

Thank you @Pelham678. I really appreciate your thoughts/feedback.

Yes, I have owned up and taken responsibility. But 6 years later, she’s still not forgiven me. I completely understand that what I’ve been doing to try to rebuild her trust may not be what’s required, but I have been trying! That’s why I need help. To understand what I need to do in myself that will make me trustworthy again.

I really don’t care about feeling shameful. I have begun doing a lot of work on myself recently such as coaching, an MBA and a fitness and health programme. I adore my wife and I want her to look at me again as the leader of the family, the way she used to.

I have heard of that book. Thank you. I will
order a copy right away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 01:11

Random30 · 26/12/2023 00:44

of those two issues
(a) you broke trust and
(b) you put the family financially at risks
can you outline what your response is?

Show quote history

a) I believe that this is where I was going wrong for quite some time. Originally I tried to defend my actions by saying that I don’t ever remember her asking me not to take out the loan. As I said, I know she’s wasn’t particularly happy about it, but I wouldn’t have done it if she flat out said no. More recently I’ve told her that regardless of what I thought she said, I shouldn’t have done it anyway. Or at least I should have clarified her feelings. But I think it’s too late. She’s been upset and angry over it for so long now.

b) This maybe where I’m still going wrong. I earn pretty good money and I have never missed a payment on anything like the mortgage or finance on our cars. Yes, things often get a bit tight towards the end of the month, particularly since the cost of living crisis, but I honestly don’t think I’ve ever put us at risk. We don’t have anything in the way of savings, but we still manage to pay all our bills on time. She’s not great with money and I’ve often taken on her credit card debts and transferred them to 0% cards in my name to pay them off. But she still sees me the one that’s putting us at risk financially.

OP posts:
LaviniasBigBloomers · 26/12/2023 01:22

You're hooked into coaching. Coaching is great because it makes you feel great and empowered and in charge of your life and like the CEO you're meant to be, etc etc etc.

An MBA also shores up one's belief that one is a master of the universe.

Oh and so does personal training.

On the other hand, Marriage counselling is as dull as fuck because you actually have to wade through the issues, and hear the other person and reflect on your own conduct and probably say sorry.

And you do like to splash the cash, so why not spend more on the shiny thing than less on the dull, difficult thing? Then you can tell your coach, your MBA cohort and your PT that you did everything you could to solve your marriage...

Get yourself to Relate, pick up a slice of humble pie on the way, and actually dig in and fix your marriage.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 26/12/2023 01:25

Also you might not be struggling to get to the end of the month if you weren't paying for a coach, an MBA and a fitness and health programme.

educatingrati · 26/12/2023 01:57

I adore my wife and I want her to look at me again as the leader of the family, the way she used to.
Oh dear OP, if you really believe you should be the leader/ head of the family, I think your marriage is doomed, no amount of throwing money at coaching will fix it. There should be no hierarchy in a happy marriage, you should be in an equal partnership not dominant/ subordinate roles.

Bunnyhair · 26/12/2023 02:05

Are you expecting the coach to coach your wife into accepting you as the leader of the family? I wonder if she is still resentful because the root causes of the original issue are still there (financial recklessness, feeling certain you know best, not taking your partner’s feelings into account unless she tells you ‘no’, in no uncertain terms - so you can then blame and resent her for being a controlling killjoy who shits on your dreams)

Indifferentchickenwings · 26/12/2023 02:16

There a a programme on iplayer called couples therapy
I found it fascinating
and it’s certainly more than ‘he said she said ‘

Worth a watch to see what this can generate in terms of learning and personal growth …

TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 02:24

I adore my wife and I want her to look at me again as the leader of the family, the way she used to

Dude, you're not serious?
This is grim.
And misogynistic.

TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 02:26

So you wasted a shit ton of money against her advice and wishes, and now you want to throw ten grand into the bin on top.

Okaaay.