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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage Coach

109 replies

Bishops0411 · 25/12/2023 22:13

Hi all,

I’m hoping for advice/recommendations as my wife and I have been going through some troublesome times together.

Last week we discussed our options and as we both love each other we agreed to get help.

My wife has left it up to me to look into things, and I really don’t want to go to ‘traditional’ marriage counselling as personally, I don’t believe it’s effective. While we do have things to discuss and resolve from the past, I don’t see how having someone listen to us for an hour of ‘he said, she said’ is at all productive.

So I’m on the hunt for something else.

I spoke to a marriage coach called Stephen Hedger who sounds amazing. He speaks to both partners together, then individually to get to the root of the problem, then reports back with a plan to resolve the issue/s. However, he charges about £10k which I simply cannot afford!

I was wondering (hoping) that someone else might have found something that they could recommend.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 14:03

"It didn’t have a negative impact, so what’s your problem"

Buy OP that's just your opinion.
Your wife clearly believes that the £10,000 loan repayments did have a negative impact, and you're not willing to accept her point of view.

Loonancy · 26/12/2023 14:03

Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 11:44

That’s what my family say. But I do understand that we have different views on what was said and done at the time. And it has caused a lot of damage in our marriage, so I want to find a way to come to some kind of resolution.

Show quote history

Damage would be if you had got a loan to spend on hookers

you did it for your family and it’s paid off now, so get over it
she sounds massively controlling to keep this resentment going.

booksandbrews · 26/12/2023 14:08

I can highly recommend Terry Real’s Fierce Intimacy audio course. It’s less than £20 and it’s incredible.

TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 14:10

Loonancy · 26/12/2023 14:03

Damage would be if you had got a loan to spend on hookers

you did it for your family and it’s paid off now, so get over it
she sounds massively controlling to keep this resentment going.

Show quote history

Well possibly, but maybe there are other issues which the OP hasn't yet mentioned.

Fullofthejoysofspring · 26/12/2023 14:49

What I'm not following is why OP's wife is berating him so much over this business loan when she has repeatedly run up credit cards that he's had to pay off?

What's the story there?

TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 14:50

Fullofthejoysofspring · 26/12/2023 14:49

What I'm not following is why OP's wife is berating him so much over this business loan when she has repeatedly run up credit cards that he's had to pay off?

What's the story there?

I imagine the wife has paid her own credit card bills?

Fullofthejoysofspring · 26/12/2023 16:12

From one of the OP's previous posts:

She’s not great with money and I’ve often taken on her credit card debts and transferred them to 0% cards in my name to pay them off. But she still sees me the one that’s putting us at risk financially.

That's what I'm referring to. @Bishops0411 can you elaborate?

Original poster
Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 17:18

TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 13:03

But my wife is the one that has said several times "you fucked our family in the arse by doing this" when there was no financial impact at all

It sounds like this is the basic problem then.

You don't think that wasting £240 a month for three years is a problem, and your wife does think that wasting £240 a month for three years is a problem.

I'm not sure how you get over that. And that's before we factor in the other marital difficulties.

Edited

Yes, you’re probably right. And the more I read, the more I am realising that this is the core of the issue.

I guess it’s down to me being very black and white - knowing that my wife has run up credit card debt which I have had to take over, yet when I took this loan it didn’t impact her or the family at all.

However, she see’s it as me breaching her trust.

So maybe rather than trying to remind her that I didn’t have any affect on us financially, I address and try to resolve the trust issue instead.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 26/12/2023 17:19

So you’ve given up on the charlatan “marriage coach” then? Good.

category12 · 26/12/2023 17:24

So maybe rather than trying to remind her that I didn’t have any affect on us financially, I address and try to resolve the trust issue instead.

Yes! Give that man a cigar! 😁This is what you need to do. (Instead of doing the "but it wasn't that bad it all turned out fine, you didn't say no, and what about your credit cards", however tempting it is).

TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 17:37

However, she sees it as me breaching her trust.

Yes.

So maybe rather than trying to remind her that I didn’t have any effect on us financially, I address and try to resolve the trust issue instead.

Yes.

Original poster
Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 19:00

TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 12:08

I would also be interested in knowing if the money issue is the only problem in this marriage, OP?

For example, do you agree on child rearing?
Do you like each other's company?
Are you still having sex?

Show quote history

There are other issues, yes. But they all
stem from this original problem with finances. For example, intimacy. I am have always been very affectionate. Right across the scale from holding hands/having a cuddle to our sex life. This was fantastic for the first 7 or 8 years, but after the business loan, she shut down and even a little lack on the cheek to say hello/goodbye is now a rare thing.

We’ve always been very well matched in terms of how we deal with the kids and household chores, etc. she is a great mother and she takes pride in telling people that I’m a great Dad.

it really does all appear to stem from this one incident.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 19:11

Random30 · 26/12/2023 12:44

Do you let them speak about her like that? That’s actually really really rude.

How very convenient of them to want her to get back in her box and know her place. Do you think paying attention to them makes a divorce more likely (yes) or less likely for you?

Show quote history

I would never let them speak badly of my wife. I would defend her even if I thought she was in the wrong (which I don’t - I’m just sad because we don’t seem to be able to get to the root of the issue and resolve the problem).

besides, my parents are dead now, so there’s not been so much as paying attention to them in years. My Mum absolutely adored her. But it was her that spoke about divorce when this all happened, so of course they knew that she was thinking of leaving.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 19:20

TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 12:55

Okay, so she no longer trusts you with regard to finances. Hardly surprising when you wasted £240 a month for three years.

How would you both feel if your wife took over the marital financial management?

Show quote history

I’m not prepared to go into the things that my wife has done, but as an examples, she has run up debts on credit cards several times and I’ve transferred them into my name and paid them off. She’s also happy to take on tens of thousands of pounds in car finance in my name. So it’s not as though I am preventing her from having a say or even taking over the management of our finances.

we both earn our own money. We both agreed how much to put in the ‘household’ account and how much to keep back for our own, individual use. I’ve even taken less than agreed the last 12 months to help ‘top up’ the family account while the cost of living has gone up. This doesn’t bother me as most of my hobbies are cheap and home-based. She likes to buy nice clothes and handbags and go out with her friends. I’ve never had a problem with that. She is the one who has an issue with finances and she blames our issues coming from this one incident.

to be honest, I would love it if she took more responsibility for our financial management. She has always had access to our accounts, so she could do it if she wanted to. But she’s never even bothered to look at them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 19:22

CinnabarRed · 26/12/2023 12:58

XH signed us up to him. Wouldn’t recommend. A complete waste of money - we split up anyway. And I found his advice very one-sided. Walked out of the third session and refused to go back.

Thank you. That’s really helpful information.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 19:23

weefella · 26/12/2023 13:58

"We have issues that stem from incidents that happened from 5 or 6 years ago. Despite these issues, we’ve been kind and thoughtful since then."

In your OP you mentioned incidents and issues (plural) but you've since only talked about the loan. Did something else happen?

All repercussions of the initial incident with the loan

OP posts:
Original poster
Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 19:27

CinnabarRed · 26/12/2023 13:47

Are you just ignoring my post?

Apologies @CinnabarRed

i’ve been jumping back and forth between posts and I missed yours. Thank you very much for the feedback. Much appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 19:30

TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 14:50

I imagine the wife has paid her own credit card bills?

Show quote history

Nope. In fact I am paying somewhere in the region of £1,000 a month because of her old credit cards and her mobile phone billl/instalments on new phone, etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 19:39

TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 12:45

And while you’re attacking me........

Who is attacking you, OP?

I find comments such as “domineering husbands who are quite convinced they're right about everything, and seeking advice about persuading their wives” extremely insulting.

as I’ve said - I’m far from perfect and I’ve made mistakes. However, I love my wife and I want to see if we can work together to get past this.

i’ll take any advice, even constructive criticism. But assuming that I’m domineering and trying to persuade my wife that I’m something I’m not - I take that as an attack

OP posts:
Loonancy · 26/12/2023 22:12

“However, she see’s it as me breaching her trust”

What about her over spending on credit cards, running up big bills until you have to bail her out?
Didn’t this betray your trust?

why don’t you keep reminding her of this, for literally years???

I think you are being walked all over like a door mat.

Loonancy · 26/12/2023 22:13

TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 02:29

MN seems to be full of threads like this lately, started by domineering husbands who are quite convinced they're right about everything, and seeking advice about persuading their wives.

Edited

I really think you are talking out of your arse…

Indifferentchickenwings · 26/12/2023 22:15

Having (speed) read this thread

I’d say you should both have some couples counselling and I think it will help

I don’t think the loan you took was that big a deal
but something rankles and a good professional can help untangle this between you both

so do the research get a decent one 🙂
and cast your research wider than MN

Original poster
Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 22:49

Indifferentchickenwings · 26/12/2023 22:15

Having (speed) read this thread

I’d say you should both have some couples counselling and I think it will help

I don’t think the loan you took was that big a deal
but something rankles and a good professional can help untangle this between you both

so do the research get a decent one 🙂
and cast your research wider than MN

Thank you for taking the time to read through everything. What you’ve said is pretty basic, but it gives me hope that some form of counseling would be worth a go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 22:54

Loonancy · 26/12/2023 22:12

“However, she see’s it as me breaching her trust”

What about her over spending on credit cards, running up big bills until you have to bail her out?
Didn’t this betray your trust?

why don’t you keep reminding her of this, for literally years???

I think you are being walked all over like a door mat.

I’ll probably get slated for this by the majority of readers, but again I think that’s where part of the problem lies.

The fact that I just push on and deal with things when she makes mistakes, but the one time I do something wrong, she withdraws from our relationship, refuses to be intimate with me (in any shape or form) and holds it against me for years.

However. If it means saving our marriage and providing our kids with a stable family foundation, I will happily do whatever is necessary.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 27/12/2023 00:36

Are you sure you want to be in a sexless marriage, OP?

I do not think that relationships where sex is off the table have much chance of success. One party or the other is very likely to stray.