Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage Coach

109 replies

Bishops0411 · 25/12/2023 22:13

Hi all,

I’m hoping for advice/recommendations as my wife and I have been going through some troublesome times together.

Last week we discussed our options and as we both love each other we agreed to get help.

My wife has left it up to me to look into things, and I really don’t want to go to ‘traditional’ marriage counselling as personally, I don’t believe it’s effective. While we do have things to discuss and resolve from the past, I don’t see how having someone listen to us for an hour of ‘he said, she said’ is at all productive.

So I’m on the hunt for something else.

I spoke to a marriage coach called Stephen Hedger who sounds amazing. He speaks to both partners together, then individually to get to the root of the problem, then reports back with a plan to resolve the issue/s. However, he charges about £10k which I simply cannot afford!

I was wondering (hoping) that someone else might have found something that they could recommend.

OP posts:
Oblomov23 · 26/12/2023 12:04

I'm confused. She doesn't seem to have much grounds. Does your business still run? Well? You've paid off the loan, she did know about it, so what is her objection currently?

TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 12:05

Okay, £240 a month for three years would be hard to get over. That money could have been invested for the children's future or paid for home improvements, or any manner of things.

TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 12:08

Oblomov23 · 26/12/2023 12:04

I'm confused. She doesn't seem to have much grounds. Does your business still run? Well? You've paid off the loan, she did know about it, so what is her objection currently?

I would also be interested in knowing if the money issue is the only problem in this marriage, OP?

For example, do you agree on child rearing?
Do you like each other's company?
Are you still having sex?

Oblomov23 · 26/12/2023 12:10

£240 over 3 years is only £8,640. Yrs it's a lot, but not so much you couldn't get over it and recover from it.

She knew about it but wasn't keen. It's not like he wanted to quit his £150k solicitor job to become a personal trainer, took out a loan secretly without her knowledge, then the business failed and she had every right to say 'see I told you so'.

Ottersfortea · 26/12/2023 12:12

Try all of Gottmans work. Read the books together.

Original poster
Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 12:24

category12 · 26/12/2023 07:11

Do you not see what's wrong with the thought process here?

I knew she wasn't happy about the loan > but she didn't say no flat-out > so I did what I wanted anyway. (I swear, mom/dad, if she'd have said no I wouldn't have).

It's childish. It's slippery.

Yes, I messed up and I regret it more than anything I have ever done. But she bought me a planner to go on the wall for recording tasks/reminders for the new business. She’s a project manager and she shared templates for tracking risks and issues.

I don’t see why she would have done that if she was against me trying to start the business.

And while you’re attacking me, I have never told her not to take out credit cards or lease cars in my name. All of which come to a hell of a lot more than the business loan that I took.

I know I’m far from perfect. I’ll be the first to admit that. But neither are you, or my wife!

OP posts:
stealtheatingtunnocks · 26/12/2023 12:26

It’s not wise to dismiss cleaner/babysitter and time as adults, @Bishops0411. It reads to me that you think you know the issue is money.

Have a look at other posts on the relationship board - it’s never just one issue. Counselling can help but relate has a waiting list and is here is always a peak in January, for obvious reasons.

It’s good you want to work on it but I’m wondering how much listening is being done at home.

fun matters, sex matters, time together matters and so does emotional load, eye rolling and self appointed leadership.

Original poster
Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 12:33

Oblomov23 · 26/12/2023 12:10

£240 over 3 years is only £8,640. Yrs it's a lot, but not so much you couldn't get over it and recover from it.

She knew about it but wasn't keen. It's not like he wanted to quit his £150k solicitor job to become a personal trainer, took out a loan secretly without her knowledge, then the business failed and she had every right to say 'see I told you so'.

Thank you for the supportive comments.

The loan repayments were about £240 each for me and my ‘business partner.’ It was through a government backed scheme for small business start ups, so very little interest. We were supposed to get a load of support, such as mentoring, but they sold the company a few months after we took the loan, so we got no support whatsoever.

We made around £10k before we decided that the business wasn’t going to succeed, and we still had about £6k left of the loan, which we left in the account until the loan was paid off.

I know this doesn’t cancel out the ‘core issue’ of whether or not I ignored my wife’s wishes. Just sharing the facts, as it’s not like I didn’t do my homework and dive in without thinking about the potential consequences.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 12:42

TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 12:05

Okay, £240 a month for three years would be hard to get over. That money could have been invested for the children's future or paid for home improvements, or any manner of things.

We earn good money, thank you. I gave up my car, which was on finance which more than covered the repayments on the business loan, so if anything, we actually made a saving by doing this.

it’s not about the money, it’s about breaking my wife’s trust.

OP posts:
Random30 · 26/12/2023 12:44

Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 11:44

That’s what my family say. But I do understand that we have different views on what was said and done at the time. And it has caused a lot of damage in our marriage, so I want to find a way to come to some kind of resolution.

Show quote history

Do you let them speak about her like that? That’s actually really really rude.

How very convenient of them to want her to get back in her box and know her place. Do you think paying attention to them makes a divorce more likely (yes) or less likely for you?

TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 12:45

And while you’re attacking me........

Who is attacking you, OP?

Original poster
Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 12:49

stealtheatingtunnocks · 26/12/2023 12:26

It’s not wise to dismiss cleaner/babysitter and time as adults, @Bishops0411. It reads to me that you think you know the issue is money.

Have a look at other posts on the relationship board - it’s never just one issue. Counselling can help but relate has a waiting list and is here is always a peak in January, for obvious reasons.

It’s good you want to work on it but I’m wondering how much listening is being done at home.

fun matters, sex matters, time together matters and so does emotional load, eye rolling and self appointed leadership.

Thank you, @stealtheatingtunnocks.

I have always been the main promoter of spending quality time together, backing my wife in terms of her career, and just having time to catch up/communicate etc. but as I said re: our financial matters, she’s never really been interested.

I know full well that it’s unlikely the issue is money. It’s more trust. But my wife is the one that has said several times ‘you f*ed our family in the arse by doing this’ when there was no financial
impact at all. The repayments came from my ‘personal monthly allowance’ which we agreed on when we first got together. And I covered them from start to finish without issue.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 12:50

We earn good money, thank you

Prince Charles* *had plenty of money but still ended up divorced.

OP you're fixated on money.

You've discussed this private marital issue with your family.

I believe there are other reasons why your wife would prefer a divorce, but you don't seem keen on mentioning them.

Original poster
Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 12:51

Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 12:49

Thank you, @stealtheatingtunnocks.

I have always been the main promoter of spending quality time together, backing my wife in terms of her career, and just having time to catch up/communicate etc. but as I said re: our financial matters, she’s never really been interested.

I know full well that it’s unlikely the issue is money. It’s more trust. But my wife is the one that has said several times ‘you f*ed our family in the arse by doing this’ when there was no financial
impact at all. The repayments came from my ‘personal monthly allowance’ which we agreed on when we first got together. And I covered them from start to finish without issue.

Show quote history

As for ‘leadership’ please see my previous response on this. That was a bad choice of wording. I simply mean that my wife looks to me to deal with finances, insurance, tax, etc.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 12:55

Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 12:51

As for ‘leadership’ please see my previous response on this. That was a bad choice of wording. I simply mean that my wife looks to me to deal with finances, insurance, tax, etc.

Show quote history

Okay, so she no longer trusts you with regard to finances. Hardly surprising when you wasted £240 a month for three years.

How would you both feel if your wife took over the marital financial management?

CinnabarRed · 26/12/2023 12:58

XH signed us up to him. Wouldn’t recommend. A complete waste of money - we split up anyway. And I found his advice very one-sided. Walked out of the third session and refused to go back.

TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 13:03

But my wife is the one that has said several times "you fucked our family in the arse by doing this" when there was no financial impact at all

It sounds like this is the basic problem then.

You don't think that wasting £240 a month for three years is a problem, and your wife does think that wasting £240 a month for three years is a problem.

I'm not sure how you get over that. And that's before we factor in the other marital difficulties.

Original poster
Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 13:05

TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 02:29

MN seems to be full of threads like this lately, started by domineering husbands who are quite convinced they're right about everything, and seeking advice about persuading their wives.

Edited

Only just seen this! 🤣🤣🤣

In case you didn’t read my posts properly, I’ll highlight that my wife and I are and always have been very much equal. She chose to follow her career and we agreed on how we would make that work for all of us as a family. She earns good money and has a very bright future ahead of her in that respect. We both contribute to the family/household and we both keep some money aside to do what we want with. She has always been more social/outgoing than me, which is one of the reasons I fell for her. If anything - she’s always been the more dominant one in our relationship.

It seems to me that you are bitter because of your own experience/s. Not all people are the same whether male or female. So may I suggest that if you’re not happy with your situation you refrain from making assumptions about me and concentrate on your own problems.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 13:13

It seems to me that you are bitter because of your own experience/s.

🤣🤣🤣

I'm not bitter.

So may I suggest that if you’re not happy with your situation you refrain from making assumptions about me and concentrate on your own problems

🤣🤣🤣

I haven't got any problems and I can only make assumptions about you based on your posts.

category12 · 26/12/2023 13:15

Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 12:24

Yes, I messed up and I regret it more than anything I have ever done. But she bought me a planner to go on the wall for recording tasks/reminders for the new business. She’s a project manager and she shared templates for tracking risks and issues.

I don’t see why she would have done that if she was against me trying to start the business.

And while you’re attacking me, I have never told her not to take out credit cards or lease cars in my name. All of which come to a hell of a lot more than the business loan that I took.

I know I’m far from perfect. I’ll be the first to admit that. But neither are you, or my wife!

Show quote history

Thing is, you say you messed up and regret it, but you're still saying to us (and presumably her) "but she didn't say no". But you knew perfectly well she didn't agree with what you wanted to do.

It is a childish and slippery response in my opinion - I couldn't respect you for making that your defence. It's just rules-lawyering.

You can take what I'm saying as a personal attack if you like, but I think it's a description of the behaviour, not you yourself. I don't think you're owning it as much as you think you are.

Original poster
Bishops0411 · 26/12/2023 13:37

Random30 · 26/12/2023 05:58

(a) What jumped out at me here is actually a linguistic observation. You say “I tried to defend [using A]…then …I told her [B]”.
What is really notable by its absence is anything about what you really believe and will take responsibility for. It comes across that it’s just words to you, with the function of getting her to stop going on about it. It really really shows a lack of self awareness and reflection.
I read your response as “I wished to do this, without her comment or consultation, but also without being seen as the bad guy.” As others have alluded to, you felt entitled to treat her shabbily and I wonder if this basic disrespect is actually running Wider and deeper throughout the whole relationship.

(b) I wonder if this is her passive aggressive payback.

Show quote history

A bit rough to hear, but I get where you’re coming from.

And I think that may well be the issue. I’ve been looking at this from a ‘it didn’t have a negative impact, so what’s your problem’ point of view, rather than ‘I should have made sure I was clear about your thoughts before I took action, and I understand I broke your trust.’

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 13:38

I know I’m far from perfect. I’ll be the first to admit that. But neither are you, or my wife!

Nobody's claiming to be perfect here but you're very quick to take offence.

CinnabarRed · 26/12/2023 13:47

Are you just ignoring my post?

Loonancy · 26/12/2023 13:53

But my wife is the one that has said several times "you fucked our family in the arse by doing this" when there was no financial impact at all

Jesus Christ, she sounds lovely
get rid of her….

weefella · 26/12/2023 13:58

"We have issues that stem from incidents that happened from 5 or 6 years ago. Despite these issues, we’ve been kind and thoughtful since then."

In your OP you mentioned incidents and issues (plural) but you've since only talked about the loan. Did something else happen?