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Original poster

Please can I hear success stories from you - me in one country - DH in another

81 replies

tasjaSAmuminUK · 15/02/2008 13:53

We have been living in the UK for just over 4 years now. Due to the fact that I can't find work here (if I get work, childcare is to much, will only get £20 a week out) we decided that me and our DD will go back to SA. We have debt in the UK and the fact that I'm not working only increases our debt. So I'm going back to SA, get a job and support myself and DD and build a new life for us in SA. Will stay with my parents at first till I'm on my feet.

We worked out that it will be about 3 years that DH will have to stay in the UK. We will see each other hopefulle twice during a year. June holidays and December holidays.

Anyone else out there that is doing something like this and are still close with their DH/DW? We are determined to let it work out this way. we are going to be stong and stick it out. Don't wont bad debt one day.

OP posts:
Original poster
tasjaSAmuminUK · 15/02/2008 15:04

no one then?

OP posts:
Lulumama · 15/02/2008 15:10

it sounds really, really difficult.. and hard to cope with, to be blunt. you and your DD only seeing DH twice a year will put a huge strain on things

surely there are ways to work out your debt and childcare issues without living in different countries

have you sought advice from CAB or some such, that can actually tell you what you are entitled to and how to sort your debt out.

surely you are entiteld to working families tax credit and other things?

i cannot believe this is the only or the best solution for oyu

Original poster
tasjaSAmuminUK · 15/02/2008 15:14

What the people in the UK DON'T undurstand, we are not entiteld to ANYTHING! we must work and what comes in goes out again to pay stuff. we don't get anything for free in the UK because we are from SA.

If I stay here we go into more debt. If I go back to SA DH can save more money to pay off debt because he will be living in a room in a shared house. No council tax, rent will go down, will get a smaller car, don't need a big car anymore. Less food to pay for and so on.

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MrsTittleMouse · 15/02/2008 15:21

We've only done it for much shorter periods than that (8 months was the longest and that was before DD). It is really hard. It's easy to think beforehand that you can cope and you trust each other etc. etc. and it's quite possible that you can. But there will be times when you will have arguements and you cannot see eye-to-eye (in the most literal sense), you cannot hug to make up, I could go on and on. Can your DH really deal with missing out on 3 years of her Daddy? I'm not sure if his relationship with her will survive with the best will in the world.
Isn't his time with her and you priceless?

I don't want to belittle what you're going through now, by the way. I do realise that money worries are very stressful.

MrsTittleMouse · 15/02/2008 15:22

PS Obviously our relationship has survived though!

themildmanneredjanitor · 15/02/2008 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

posieflump · 15/02/2008 15:25

same question as mmj - why don't you all go to SA? It can't be good for your d to start a new life away from her dad surely?

Original poster
tasjaSAmuminUK · 15/02/2008 15:26

I don't think we can pay off our debt from SA - £1 = R15

OP posts:
themildmanneredjanitor · 15/02/2008 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

posieflump · 15/02/2008 15:28

fair enough
but I honestly don't think you will find many success stories where people see each twice a year except in the armed forces

my dh didn't see his dad for months at a time because his dad was in The RAF, his parents are still togther after 40 years of living apart for most of the year. They are very happy togther and never had any problems (as far as I know)

Lulumama · 15/02/2008 15:34

so you are not entitled to anything, even though DH works in this country? are you 150 % sure ? because i would take advice on this before splitting up my family

if i was in your shoes, i would go for an IVA or bankrupcy or anything, other than split my family up

just sounds like aswell as the pressure of the debts to be paid, you have the pressure of being , essentially, a single parent 1000s of miles away from your husband, who is also your lover, your friend , your companion and father of your child!

wannaBe · 15/02/2008 15:44

I wouldn't do it.

Firstly, there are no guarantees that you will find work in South Africa - the unemployment rate over there is much, much higher than here.

Secondly, it is much harder to keep a relationship together when you're not together, iykwim, if you have an argument you can't just make up, if there insecurities, (and in a situation where you live so far apart there will be some insecurities) you are not there to reassure each other that everything is ok, and your dd is going to grow up without her daddy. Plus when you are together it will be difficult because you'll be so used to being apart that the couple of weeks you can spend together will seem strange, and that's often when arguements occur, when you're doing one thing one way, and dh then comes along and does it another, eg in relation to your dd.

How long have you lived here? Can you apply for british citizenship? You won't have to give up your SA passports to do that, but as British citizens you would be entitled to tax credits etc.

Original poster
tasjaSAmuminUK · 15/02/2008 16:01

I'm 200% sure - we are not entitled to ANYTHING! even if DH works here.
If we declare bankrupcy we will never get anywhere in SA. there is a new credit law in SA in place now, just spoke over the phone with my mum about it aswell. With bad credit in SA I wouldn't even be able to buy a car!
This is our best option to us. After 3 years we will be albe to be together, debt free, able to buy or build our dream house.

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Original poster
tasjaSAmuminUK · 15/02/2008 16:03

I'm a teacher so I can find work easy in SA. DH is also in huge demand over there. the experience that he had over here counts for alot over in SA. If he would go back now he can choose of 3 posts. but then we have this debt that we will have to pay off till we die.

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crumpet · 15/02/2008 16:08

My parents did this for 2-3 years when they were in their late 40s/early 50's - we'd left home. Dad was just in Europe and so was home for a long w/e every fortnight and Mum used to go out there fairly regularly too. But it took them well over a year to re-adjust to living together - at one point I seriously wondered if they would get divorced. They had each developed their own habits/lifestyles etc and found it truly hard to adapt.

sweetgrapes · 15/02/2008 16:08

We did it for about a year. Dd and I were here and Dh was away. He was studying and I was working here to support us and him (staying in a shared house etc... we didn't have any benefits either as I was on a work permit and not from the EU.)

It's difficult but was ok because it was 1 year. I don't know how I would have managed it for more... 3 years would be really tough.

wannaBe · 15/02/2008 16:13

But in three years you may not have a marriage left to build your dream house, and your dd won't know her dad and her dad won't know her.

How old is your dd? Could you get a job in a preschool/nursery where you would also get reduced childcare? Then when dd goes to school you could consider getting a job as a TA?

Or alternatively could you do private tutoring? You could do this in the evenings so your dh could take care of your dd then.

And although you're not entitled to anything now is there no chance you can take the citizenship test and become British citizens? You would then have greater entitlements.

Lulumama · 15/02/2008 16:15

can i ask how much the debt is?

Original poster
tasjaSAmuminUK · 15/02/2008 16:17

Everything is already in place. Flying out next Saturday. It is 3 more years before we can apply for indefinite leave to remain and another year before we get British Citizenship. And it would cost us about £3000 just for ILTR and another £3000 for passports.

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Original poster
tasjaSAmuminUK · 15/02/2008 16:18

About £15000

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TheFallenMadonna · 15/02/2008 16:19

Tasja - are you sure about the cost of childcare? I am a teacher, and although I gulped at the cost of nursery, with one child we had enough left over to make it very worthwhile me working.

Original poster
tasjaSAmuminUK · 15/02/2008 16:20

I've applied for teaching jobs but got nothing. Only job I could get in 2 years was at hospital. and with childcare that I must pay it doesn't work out. That's were the £20 comes in

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Original poster
tasjaSAmuminUK · 15/02/2008 16:25

wannaBe - DD is 21months old

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Kathyis6incheshigh · 15/02/2008 16:25

I know quite a few people who do this kind of thing, with varying degrees of success. Lots of academics do it because of the combination of very specific job opportunities and the international job market. Plenty of couples seem to make it work for a good while though sometimes you suddenly hear that a couple you thought were fine are splitting up. It's hard to know what's cause and what's effect though - sometimes there's already a rift in the marriage before they start living apart.

My PILs did it for a few years when DH was in his teens, though, and it seems to have worked well for them and not affected their relationship with each other or dh's with his mum (he stayed with his dad while his mum went to work in Switzerland).

If it is the only way and you stick it out I'm sure you can make it work.

hatwoman · 15/02/2008 16:28

how old is DD? the cost of childcare goes down considerably as they get older and can go into bigger groups in nurseries and - when they hit three and a half(iirc) - subsidised nursery places. You're proposing splitting up the family for 3 years - but the sums involved (your earnings cf cost of childcare) will change considerably in that time.

in any case, tbh, if you're a teacher and if you only have one child then I don't understand your sums. what child-care options have your priced that would eat up all your earnings? are you sure you;ve looked at everything? I'm not sure where you are in the UK but even moving within the UK could make a massive difference on that one. childcare in the SE is hugely expensive compared with virtually everywhere else but teachers' salaries are pretty much the same wherever. or what about exploring just doing small amounts of work - tutoring in your home in the evenings and weekends? massively in demand in many places and no childcare costs at all. exam marking? again, working from home, flexible hours. there must be something where the net return would be more than £20.

even if the bottom line really is that you can;t net more than £20 wouldn't you rather do that and stay together? I would.

really difficult for you and I hope you find a solution. but - don;t let the British winter be the thing that clinches it and drives you back to sunny SA. Maybe you'll feel different when spring is sprung??