Please can I hear success stories from you - me in one country - DH in another

[tasjaSAmuminUK]

We have been living in the UK for just over 4 years now. Due to the fact that I can't find work here (if I get work, childcare is to much, will only get £20 a week out) we decided that me and our DD will go back to SA. We have debt in the UK and the fact that I'm not working only increases our debt. So I'm going back to SA, get a job and support myself and DD and build a new life for us in SA. Will stay with my parents at first till I'm on my feet.

We worked out that it will be about 3 years that DH will have to stay in the UK. We will see each other hopefulle twice during a year. June holidays and December holidays.

Anyone else out there that is doing something like this and are still close with their DH/DW? We are determined to let it work out this way. we are going to be stong and stick it out. Don't wont bad debt one day.

Thanks Kathy

so in a year she could go to preschool and then maybe you could get something part-time? if you got a job for a few hours a day you could get a cm to cover the hours she was not at preschool.

I think the living apart can work as long as you see each other regularly, but I think the downfall comes at the point where you say you'll only see each other twice a year. that's only 6 times in the next three years, and tbh I think even the most stable marriage would struggle with that.

and I think your dd's relationship with her dad will suffer. How will he feel when he sees her next and she doesn't remember him?

ah. see that I've repeated what others said and it's too late anyway.

but it's never too late to change your mind. try it and if it sucks come back. You don't have to stick to your decision for 3 years. good luck

Hatwoman - I'm South African - I can't get subsidised nursery places.
£20 is what I would have made if I took the job that I have been offered now at the hospital.

Yeah, that's the other side, if it sucks, I can come back here. But we believe that we can do it, and if you believe it you can do it!

but teaching jobs will be coming up all the time. the best time to look is at easter/september because a lot of teachers leave at the end of the school year.

Your dd will be entitled to a free preschool place though I believe, that's 5 2.5 hour sessions a week from the age of three.

And I've got a GREAT support system at home. DH's got great friends here that will "look after him". Luckily I know he can cook and clean for himself.

is your child South African?
Every child gets free nursery places for 2 and a half hours a day from the age of 3

My parents were in a similar situation, although they were both in europe so managed to see each other during weekends.
Their marriage ended after my dad started having an affair (which he blamed on being lonely). For them the decision to live apart during the week was a big mistake.
Of course that was them and this is you.
Good luck

AGAIN - I'm South African - we don't get anything for free in this country! NOTHING. we have to work here, pay for everything, no discount, pay more tax than you who are British citizens.

sorry, only just read you wanted to hear success stories - feeling guilty now.
double good luck!

yes but is your child South African?

yes my DD is South African, although she was born here. When she is 18 she can come over and apply for her British Passport - if that doesn't change in the next 16 years!

If she was born here she would still be eligible for free nursery places surely?

that's ok owl

thanks

no she doesn't, I asked

so it is a fair amount of money... have you tried remortgaging? or IVA? or banrupcy? or writing to creditors to work out different payment plan?

just think that seeing DH 6 times over 3 years is not enough to sustain a relationship. but i might well be wrong

anyway, if your tickets are booked, it is a fait accompli

i hope it works out for you all

tasja - you're wrong about the nursery places see this point 7.3 which says
"A child moving to England from another
country is entitled to free nursery education on the same basis as any other child regardless of whether they have British citizenship."

If you are looking for encouragement and advice about how to make it work, why don't you go to the Forces' Sweethearts thread - there will be lots of people there who have had to deal with living apart.

dds had South African, Italian, German and French kids in their free state nursery

Tasja,

Re your comment:-

"we don't get anything for free in this country! NOTHING. we have to work here, pay for everything, no discount, pay more tax than you who are British citizens".

Pay more tax - how does that come about?.

I don't think you will read any success stories, I think you are setting yourself up for a long drop.

If the debt incurred is in your name also then you are also liable. Going to SA won't help. How are you sure that you going to SA will pay the debt off, if the problem is not addressed properly then the debt level may increase over the next three year. This is quite apart from the emotional cost to you all. Seeing each other just twice a year for the next three years is likely to end badly.

so that would mean 1 1/2 more years before she could get a free place in a nursery (sep after she turn 3.) so next year Sep. So then I would have made more debt before I can put her in a nursery and make decent money.
Can't do anything about it now anyway. I'm out of the country on Saterday.

Attillathemeerkat - if you read my posts you will see how we can save if I'm in SA and DH will pay all our debt

why can't you all go out .. DH gets one of those jobs he's now qualified for, you get one .. you take a loan / mortgage for 15K

I think you would find this a relationship breaker for all members of your family tbh