Please can I hear success stories from you - me in one country - DH in another

[tasjaSAmuminUK]

We have been living in the UK for just over 4 years now. Due to the fact that I can't find work here (if I get work, childcare is to much, will only get £20 a week out) we decided that me and our DD will go back to SA. We have debt in the UK and the fact that I'm not working only increases our debt. So I'm going back to SA, get a job and support myself and DD and build a new life for us in SA. Will stay with my parents at first till I'm on my feet.

We worked out that it will be about 3 years that DH will have to stay in the UK. We will see each other hopefulle twice during a year. June holidays and December holidays.

Anyone else out there that is doing something like this and are still close with their DH/DW? We are determined to let it work out this way. we are going to be stong and stick it out. Don't wont bad debt one day.

I wouldn't get a loan/mortgage in SA - new credit law in SA - if you have bad debt you can't even get a lone to buy a car!

£1 = R15.

but surely the definition of 'bad debt' is a debt you are not servicing

so if you both get a job in SA and a mortgage and add 15K to it you will be servicing the debt won't you?

Why don't you consider going back for 19 months, until your dd gets the 5 x 2.5 hour free sessions, staying with your parents for that time, so you can spend even less. Then in Sept 2009 you can come back and get a job here, if not teaching then at least you could get a TA post, which could fit in with your dd's free hours (I know 4 of the TA's at dd's school have done this).

you could get an evening and weekend job here alternatively and not break up the family .. fine it might not be teaching (although you could consider a TEFL course and doing private evening classes etc)

Did you both decide between you that you and DD would go back to SA?. It is a fait accompli now as the tickets are booked but I think you are making a grave error.

I'm not suggesting that he won't pay the debt off but it may well take more than three years to do so. Has your DH ever heard of Citizens Advice or Consumer Credit Counselling Service?. Both are free to use agencies who can advise on debt management problems. You're heading back to SA very soon but your DH is still here and could contact these people. It does not matter how large the debt is.

It actually sounds like you are running away from this seemingly overwhelming debt issue.

We have contacted the credit advice people. We have been talking about this alot and this is the best option for us. We have both decided this together.

What do you teach?

If you are so determined, it doesn't matter if you hear success stories, you are going, so you HAVE to make it work.

It will be the hardest thing you have ever done and I really think you are going to have to work out a way to allow your dd and dh see each other more than twice a year. I have split from my husband and and my daughter sees him every 2 weeks and she never asks about him as the influence he has on her life is minimal. I can't imagine how it would be for her if she only saw him twice a year!

Also my husband's parents left him with his grandparents in Europe whilst they worked in the UK when he was under 3, for about 2 years, he doesn't really have much of an emotional bond with his Mum because of her absence at this cruial time. All I will say is, you and your husband may well be able to tough it out, but I wouldn't expect it to be a smooth ride with dd, she'll have the most adjusting to do! But very good luck with it all.

I think that your departure day will be a very difficult day for you all. I am saddened to read that you both think this is the best way forward because I am still not convinced in the slightest.

If you get a job in SA, who will look after your DD?. Your parents?.

I teach 4-11year olds

I will put her in a nursery. MUCH cheaper there as in UK

But how do you actually feel about this, in your heart? I imagine you are being quite dispassionate about this as that is the easiest way of dealing with it. Is £15k your total debt (ie no mortgage etc)?

Could you do private tutoring ? Here I mean.

yes, that's all our debt.

I'm very sad yes, because I'm going to miss my DH and DH is going to miss so much of DD and she is going to miss her "dadda". But he is going to be there for her birthdays and Christmas (going to try). And talk alot over the phone, internet (video conference so we can see each other).

15K of debt is actually not an unseemly amount - I've read of people who have far more than that and have managed to clear it. Presumably this debt has been built up on credit cards, loans etc.

The flights to SA may have cost a fair bit, that money could have instead been used to knock a little hole in this 15K. If the debt is also in your name too you are still liable for it regardless.

Going to SA will not solve this problem; if anything it will magnify any cracks in the relationship.

You're all going to end up living separate lives. Its your DD I feel for most in all this, she actually has no say.

look .. if it isn't working after 6 months just come back and work it out from here

you will know if things are working or not

best of luck .. it sounds extremely tough

tasja, you are obviously having doubts about this, otherwise you wouldn't have posted here.

Regardless of the impact on yours/your dh's relationship, I think you are making a huge mistake wrt the relationship between your dh/dd.

Your daughter will find this hard, leaving her Daddy and then going into full time child care away from her Mum, who will be her only security in a new country. Have you truly thought how it will affect her? Is having your "dream" home more important than a stable family environment for your child?

I think that these days our priorities are so totally materialistic we find it very hard to look at life beyond finances. I find stories like this very sad.

I am divorcing my husband and have nothing, I am staying with my parents, and whilst I will be able to move out and rent one day, unless I meet someone else I will never own a house, let alone a "dream" house. But I have come to terms with it and what is important to me is my daughter and her happiness. Please don't think I am judging you, I am not, everyone looks at life differently, just wish there was another way for you!

You will have to get webcams and Skype, and try to build it into the routine so your dh can talk to your dd every day.

I just remembered Tasja - I had a Jordanian PhD student who was away from his family for 4 years in total. Of course they all missed each other. But it was much more expected in his culture that he would go away to study, so they all seem to have pretty much taken it for granted.
The toughest bit was when he had a suspected heart attack and got taken to hospital.... very scary for him being all alone. But it worked out ok in the end.

Attila, a lot of people do make this work. The UK is full of immigrants who are living here as cheaply as they can and sending money home to their families. If it's part of a shared dream of making a better life, you can get strength to get through these things.

Tasja,

Risking loneliness and perhaps your relationship ultimately breaking down completely for the sake of 15K is not worth it. Phone calls and video conferencing is a poor substitute. This is a manageable debt if help is sought especially from the CCCS. This is by no means the largest debt they've ever encountered at all.

I urge you to think again.

also, a lot can change in three years. South Afriica has a lot of issues. There is a lot of concern over the new president in waiting who is also up on corruption charges, the crime rate is finominal, the cost of living is going up and up and has been compared to that over here, by no means as cheap as it used to be.

Yes, £15k is not huge, especially when compared to some of the enormous mortgages around, but I can see how it must be a millstone around your neck. Have you consulted anyone about debt management? Personally, your choice would be the most absolute last resort for me, but it sounds like you have made up your mind and the aim must be to keep your relationship alive for you and your DD in whatever way you can. I wouldn't stick to the 3 years if it seems to be causing rifts - I would keep an open mind about returning at any time. I wish you well.

and as a single woman living in a country where gun-knife related crime is rife, you will be vulnerable.

Thanks for the words of encouragement everyone!
DH is going to be home soon, going to spend some quality time as a family this weekend. so will see all of you on Monday.

have a nice weekend!