Name changed and I cannot actually believe I'm posting this but here goes....
H and I had decided to separate a couple of months back. Things at home were so strained, he was so moody, me and DD walking on eggshells, he said there can't be any attraction as we don't have a sex life. Said he felt neglected as I am rarely at home, I don't ever instigate sex etc.
Anyway we were going to separate after Christmas to try and ensure that our DD had a good Christmas. Some family members had concerns about this and that it would be too difficult but we both agreed.
After Christmas had been....we sat down to discuss the details/practicalities and he told me he thinks we're making a mistake and we can fight for our marriage. I asked him how he would feel about a non existent sex life (as I have not had any feelings like that for a long time) and he said it's better to have a loving family.
I was just stunned and had decided in my head it was over. But being the idiot I am I then began to doubt my decision.
Long story short we're supposed to be trying again.
But this is the problem.....and I'm not expecting sympathy I am just in a really bad place and it feels better to share my thoughts and wonder if anyone in a similar position.
Shortly after we decided to separate somebody from the past got in touch to say hi. We haven't spoke for years and he definitely didn't know about the separation (nobody did).
He is with someone and they have a young baby.
At first it was just friendly but soon turned very flirtatious. I absolutely know I should have stopped it dead then - but I was dying inside at the thought of my marriage ending and the messages kept me going.
Something was reawakened in me that died a long, long time ago. He gave me a spark again. Made me feel attractive and wanted again. I know, oldest trick in the book.
Told him a few days ago I should probably not have him message me anymore. It killed me and I realised my feelings were getting deeper.
Despite this stupidly we ended up meeting briefly and the chemistry was absolutely electric. I had honestly really hoped that I'd find in real life it had faded after many years since I last saw him. It hasn't.
We did some things that I am not proud of and I feel horrific.
Partly with guilt each time I look at my husband. But mostly as I know this man is in a happy, committed relationship with a much, much younger woman and I am thinking about him every second of the day. I am desperate for the feelings he has given me and I know I can't have him. It is just not like that with H and I sadly.
I know I need to cut all contact and forget about him but I am finding it awful. I can't concentrate in work and can't sleep, I feel sick. I am so worried that I'll cave if he messages again.....this is not me. But I feel alive again.
Sorry for the long rambling post and I truly never saw this coming, I've never done anything like this in my life before 😞