I have crossed a line - help

[donesomethingterrible]

Name changed and I cannot actually believe I'm posting this but here goes....

H and I had decided to separate a couple of months back. Things at home were so strained, he was so moody, me and DD walking on eggshells, he said there can't be any attraction as we don't have a sex life. Said he felt neglected as I am rarely at home, I don't ever instigate sex etc.

Anyway we were going to separate after Christmas to try and ensure that our DD had a good Christmas. Some family members had concerns about this and that it would be too difficult but we both agreed.

After Christmas had been....we sat down to discuss the details/practicalities and he told me he thinks we're making a mistake and we can fight for our marriage. I asked him how he would feel about a non existent sex life (as I have not had any feelings like that for a long time) and he said it's better to have a loving family.

I was just stunned and had decided in my head it was over. But being the idiot I am I then began to doubt my decision.
Long story short we're supposed to be trying again.

But this is the problem.....and I'm not expecting sympathy I am just in a really bad place and it feels better to share my thoughts and wonder if anyone in a similar position.

Shortly after we decided to separate somebody from the past got in touch to say hi. We haven't spoke for years and he definitely didn't know about the separation (nobody did).
He is with someone and they have a young baby.
At first it was just friendly but soon turned very flirtatious. I absolutely know I should have stopped it dead then - but I was dying inside at the thought of my marriage ending and the messages kept me going.

Something was reawakened in me that died a long, long time ago. He gave me a spark again. Made me feel attractive and wanted again. I know, oldest trick in the book.

Told him a few days ago I should probably not have him message me anymore. It killed me and I realised my feelings were getting deeper.
Despite this stupidly we ended up meeting briefly and the chemistry was absolutely electric. I had honestly really hoped that I'd find in real life it had faded after many years since I last saw him. It hasn't.
We did some things that I am not proud of and I feel horrific.
Partly with guilt each time I look at my husband. But mostly as I know this man is in a happy, committed relationship with a much, much younger woman and I am thinking about him every second of the day. I am desperate for the feelings he has given me and I know I can't have him. It is just not like that with H and I sadly.

I know I need to cut all contact and forget about him but I am finding it awful. I can't concentrate in work and can't sleep, I feel sick. I am so worried that I'll cave if he messages again.....this is not me. But I feel alive again.

Sorry for the long rambling post and I truly never saw this coming, I've never done anything like this in my life before 😞

[Branleuse]

Nature abhors a void. If you arent sexually interested in your partner then youre very vulnerable to the next bit of sexual attention you can get.
Your husband is clutching at straws with his sexless marriage thing

[AllGoodPoints]

OP - I just posted this on another thread but you might find it useful. Develop some personal agency, which will help you move on:
www.mindful.org/seven-ways-to-develop-personal-agency/

And I wouldn’t recommend telling anyone in real life other than a therapist. Talking about him will just feed your obsession. And many people will find your behaviour untrustworthy and repellant.

[OscarCharlieTango]

Op
I know it feels awful but blocking this man is the best thing. You will end up very, very hurt. The high you are getting is like a powerful drug and you are now going through withdrawal.
But you will get there. You need to be strong.

Give it a month. Then look at your marriage. I think you know the answer. That married man isn’t it.
Good luck x

[donesomethingterrible]

Ok so I've blocked him and am devastated. Totally devastated that I'll never see or speak to him again after him being a big part of my life the past couple of months.
Not expecting any sympathy whatsoever, just writing down my feelings as I feel it helps with closure.
Not expecting any replies here but.....IF anyone has been in similar situations how long can I expect to feel like this 😞?
The worst thing is nobody knows so I can't talk to anybody and I don't know how to forget him.

[AgentJohnson]

Looking forward to being on your own, pull the other one. The speed at which you got tangled up again with this familiar player suggests otherwise. Your marriage is over and has been for some time! It should have been obvious the second you let yourself be distracted by Mr blast from the past.

Big girl pants on! Step 1. Block opportunist charmer, Step 2. End your marriage. Step 3. Stop acting like you don’t have choices and start making better ones.

[SunflowerTed]

@donesomethingterrible

Thank you for the replies. After spending most of the day crying (it's pathetic I know) I know what I must do.

*@Aquamarine1029*
I needed to hear such honesty as yes, I guess I actually began to believe we had a connection. What a dick I am.

Get a grip. The bloke is a player and you are pathetic

[Thewookiemustgo]

A cheat once said to me with a shrug when questioned about the “why that particular woman?”

“She made herself available to me”.

Read that and have a think about it. Do you still want that to be you? Twice with the same man?

You know what to do, but do you have the moral courage to do it?
He makes you “feel alive”. If she finds out, you and he will make his wife feel dead.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

Just ignore them !!!!

[DropYourSword]

@Anan1212

Yup no actual response just shows I’m right.

Don't worry your little head mate, no-one will ever want to marry you so it'll never be a problem

[AlDanvers]

@Anan1212

Yup no actual response just shows I’m right.

So you genuinely believe 'you men' don't cheat? Don't ruin marriages?

Or are you one of those obsessed that more initiate divorce then men? And (incorrectly) take that to mean that the women are the ones that broke their vows?

And give over with 'half their stuff'. That's the choice you make when you get married. To share your stuff. That stuff is from a life 2 people built together. It's not 'his stuff' and women often get more for one very good reason. Usually, they have taken the financial hit by providing more care for the joint children. So that is addressed when sharing joint assets.

As someone who won't get married, even I can see that.

If you don't want to share your stuff, dont get married. But also, dont have kids expecting your girlfriend to do most of the work, impacting her financial future so can carry on without impact, without sharing your stuff.

And if you think only men bring money or material goods into marriage, you are wrong. Don't have an issue when "you men" get half of their wives stuff, do you?

[DropYourSword]

Oh @Anan1212 - is the creepy little incel bored tonight? Nowhere else to play?

[Sportslady44]

@Onthedunes

I was very young and single when we had a fling many years ago, but he was not. Again all instigated by him but yes I have allowed it to happen

You are placing yourself as the victim.
You are excusing your actions.

Get strong and do not allow men who have commitments to have access to your body.
Respect yourself more.

For heavens sake what do you sound like.

Doesn't mean you don't respect yourself. Things happen are we really all programmed for monogamy anyway.
Don't make it sound like she's Committed a terrible crime or sometime and preach like that.

[donesomethingterrible]

@Onthedunes

Sounds like you would like to have another go at things with h.

Whatever you need to lose the OM.

He's not a knight in shinning armour if it helps just think of him as a huge virulant ball of bateria that shags around for his ego.

God knows what you could pick up from him.

Don't go there he's a mucky pup.

🤣 this might actually really help me.....it is definitely how I need to think of him!

He is a police officer and sometimes passes my house...I just hope I never see him again I couldn't bear it 😞

[Onthedunes]

Sounds like you would like to have another go at things with h.

Whatever you need to lose the OM.

He's not a knight in shinning armour if it helps just think of him as a huge virulant ball of bateria that shags around for his ego.

God knows what you could pick up from him.

Don't go there he's a mucky pup.

[RoseSays]

Block the OM

Decide if you want to try and work on your marriage - give it a shot

If you do end up single after all, please remember cock is abundant out there- don't go back to the OM - he doesn't sound a good person to be around

[donesomethingterrible]

To be fair to H I can see he is really trying hard. Things have improved at home as his behaviour has improved. DD is thriving as he is spending more time with her and he seems happier.

The lack of spark/passion was actually not a factor in the decision to split, well not for me anyway, maybe for him. But now it is there nagging at me constantly. If he truly makes a change to his behaviour and everything else is good I feel I would very, very selfish to break our family up just because I want to be excited by someone again. I may never meet anyone else anyway.

I have only ever slept with one man and if I'm totally honest even at the beginning it was never that exciting or electric. But I didn't know any different and we've made a life together.

[Pastryapronsucks]

You acknowledge you have done a terrible thing, if you were a complete wanker you woudnt be posting about your guilt on here.

You need to redeem yourself by how you act going forwards.

1. Block OM, he is a red herring and not a good man. No good can come from keepingbin contact.
   
2. Rejoice in the fact you are still a sexual being
   
3. Consider counseling, either on your own or with your husband. Hopefully you can decide to split or try to rekindle.
   
4. If you can't or don't want to get your mojo back with your husband go your separate ways as kindly and as respectfully as you can. There is no shame in growing apart.
   
   Good luck

[Onthedunes]

There seems to be blame thrown arround at every party in this scenario.

Yes the h may be a rubbish husband, the OM is definitely a twat and the op is cheating.

There are two innocents the girlfriend and the baby and whilst someone has pointed out that op is not responsible for the girlfriends mental health (which I disagree with) it really isn't kind to do that to another woman. There is also the aspect of the girlfriends sexual health, even if op has a clean bill of health, if baby is still breastfeeding or not, partners are best not to sleep around for the health of the babe.

Even kissing other partners can pass on harmful stuff that babe has no imunity against.

[ChargingBuck]

Even now the DH is getting a hard time. He may well be a decent guy who clearly wants sex and has made the decision to give that up for the sake of his family. In addition he is living with someone who has no feelings for him. That must hurt everyday. His self-esteem/worth must be rock bottom. If that were not enough his DW is mooning around each day in a fantasy world and quite possibly paying even less attention.

Have you read ANY of the OP's posts @WineThenMisletoe?
DH is far from being the decent guy of your fond imagining.
Have a look at how he views his own child, & his behaviour around her.

That kind of stinking attitude isn't brought about by a lack of marital sex FFS.
And I really don't give a fuck about the self-esteem of a man who denies his own daughter's ND issues, & leaves all the challenges of managing them to his wife..

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

@Thisisworsethananticpated

youvegottenminuteslynn

I think op needs to focus on her own self

I’m not having a dig or arguing , really

But she needs to put her mental health first

A stranger who’s hooked up with a cheater isn’t her problem or responsibility - and it’s a heavy burden to place in her

And as a PP said he’s a cheat and has probably had a hard_on for extra activity for a while

So even if op follows this path , he’ll start screwing someone else anyway !

It's not that I think he won't do it with someone else (he absolutely will) or that she is responsible for this man's marriage (she isn't) but my point was that behaving this way, knowing the potential consequences to those involved is going to damage OP's self image more and more the longer it goes on. She surely doesn't want the guilt that she would feel, as she clearly already feels guilty and this will only get worse with time. Nobody is winning here except her AP, but OP is complicit in him winning and so has to consider the potential consequences in order to take agency over her part in it all.

This is something she's actively doing and choosing to do, not something being done to her. Owning that can actually be empowering as it stops one feeling passive and helpless, instead feeling able to make better choices proactively.

[WineThenMisletoe]

The OP has reasons for not having sex with her DH. Then the wife of the Affair Partner finds out and tells the DH. His wife won't have sex with him but is happy to have sex with another man. He will be devastated and quite possibly carry it with him for the rest of his life.

Flip this around to the man having the affair and the responses would be very different indeed.

Even now the DH is getting a hard time. He may well be a decent guy who clearly wants sex and has made the decision to give that up for the sake of his family. In addition he is living with someone who has no feelings for him. That must hurt everyday. His self-esteem/worth must be rock bottom. If that were not enough his DW is mooning around each day in a fantasy world and quite possibly paying even less attention.

Give him a break and leave him so he can have the chance of love.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

youvegottenminuteslynn

I think op needs to focus on her own self

I’m not having a dig or arguing , really

But she needs to put her mental health first

A stranger who’s hooked up with a cheater isn’t her problem or responsibility - and it’s a heavy burden to place in her

And as a PP said he’s a cheat and has probably had a hard_on for extra activity for a while

So even if op follows this path , he’ll start screwing someone else anyway !

[totallyoutnumbered]

@beachcitygirl

I don't know why almost everyone is being horrible to the OP, she's not posting in aibu. She knows she's in the wrong, she's upset & guilty already. Are some of you getting a vicarious kick out of your moralising.

Op you know what you need to do, your marriage is over, you need to leave. Ignore this other man, he was simply a lesson that you do need love & passion.
Block him & move on. Ignore him forever after.
Amicably split with your husband
Start a new life & in time the right person will come along.
Good luck.

This!
Trust me the feelings for the OM will pass. Try seeing him as the cheat he is. That's not at all what you want from a man. Do single. It's brilliant in time and you were looking forward to it at one point. I wish you luck, no judgment here either. Good people do shitty things sometimes. Shit people keep doing the same shitty things x