I have crossed a line - help

[donesomethingterrible]

Name changed and I cannot actually believe I'm posting this but here goes....

H and I had decided to separate a couple of months back. Things at home were so strained, he was so moody, me and DD walking on eggshells, he said there can't be any attraction as we don't have a sex life. Said he felt neglected as I am rarely at home, I don't ever instigate sex etc.

Anyway we were going to separate after Christmas to try and ensure that our DD had a good Christmas. Some family members had concerns about this and that it would be too difficult but we both agreed.

After Christmas had been....we sat down to discuss the details/practicalities and he told me he thinks we're making a mistake and we can fight for our marriage. I asked him how he would feel about a non existent sex life (as I have not had any feelings like that for a long time) and he said it's better to have a loving family.

I was just stunned and had decided in my head it was over. But being the idiot I am I then began to doubt my decision.
Long story short we're supposed to be trying again.

But this is the problem.....and I'm not expecting sympathy I am just in a really bad place and it feels better to share my thoughts and wonder if anyone in a similar position.

Shortly after we decided to separate somebody from the past got in touch to say hi. We haven't spoke for years and he definitely didn't know about the separation (nobody did).
He is with someone and they have a young baby.
At first it was just friendly but soon turned very flirtatious. I absolutely know I should have stopped it dead then - but I was dying inside at the thought of my marriage ending and the messages kept me going.

Something was reawakened in me that died a long, long time ago. He gave me a spark again. Made me feel attractive and wanted again. I know, oldest trick in the book.

Told him a few days ago I should probably not have him message me anymore. It killed me and I realised my feelings were getting deeper.
Despite this stupidly we ended up meeting briefly and the chemistry was absolutely electric. I had honestly really hoped that I'd find in real life it had faded after many years since I last saw him. It hasn't.
We did some things that I am not proud of and I feel horrific.
Partly with guilt each time I look at my husband. But mostly as I know this man is in a happy, committed relationship with a much, much younger woman and I am thinking about him every second of the day. I am desperate for the feelings he has given me and I know I can't have him. It is just not like that with H and I sadly.

I know I need to cut all contact and forget about him but I am finding it awful. I can't concentrate in work and can't sleep, I feel sick. I am so worried that I'll cave if he messages again.....this is not me. But I feel alive again.

Sorry for the long rambling post and I truly never saw this coming, I've never done anything like this in my life before 😞

[zoemum2006]

I think it’s interesting OP that you said you were looking forward to being alone when your husband convinced you to stay.

Do you think there’s might be a scenario where you are firebombing your marriage to escape it?

Don’t live in an unhappy sexless marriage. You deserve better.

[Allsorts1]

Your feelings for this new man are NOT REAL! They are the result of neglect in your current relationship - I’m sure literally any man off the street could have fulfilled this need for you - so - definitely leave husband and block and never speak to this guy again - and then jump into fun dating with appropriate people!

I guarantee there are lots of lovely hot blokes out there who you can swing from the chandeliers with post divorce.

Try to see this dalliance as the jolt you needed to remind you of what you’re missing in life, and nothing more.

[JugglingJanuary]

When you say you know what he's like... was he married to his ex wife last time??

It's beside the point really.

Your marriage is dead in the water. You agreed to 'try again' because you have history, you have a child, you have security & familiarity. Not because you are in love with him. Not because he makes your heart sing. You were looking forward to starting fresh with DD - do that. Tell DH that YOU do think, sadly, that separating is the right thing and even if you're wrong (you're not) it's what you want to do & make another time to sort out the practicalities.

You'll only end up having a proper affair if you stay with DH & that won't be good for any of you!

What this has shown you, is that you are (still) capable & wanting to have those feelings, just not with your DH, but it's NOT about HIM. He's a conceited player.

if I'm not happy leave and find somebody else who can do this to me

Twat. When you were happy in your marriage he didn't 'do this' to you, you ignored him.

It's shown you that you can feel this attraction, excitement, lust... but there are other (single) men who will make you feel like this.

He's married, with a young baby & a young wife who is probably shattered & not pandering to his ego, you know, what with having a young baby to look after, he's suddenly not her top priority. So he's taking advantage of your situation. Twat, he doesn't care about either of you.

Be strong
Be firm (with both of them)
Be free
💐

[AllGoodPoints]

OP, is that the example you want to set for your daughter?

[Derelicthome]

Everybody wants to feel important and it’s the driving motivator behind a lot of human behaviour.
With a newborn receiving all the attention he reached out to you as low hanging fruit to get his feeling of importance.
I think it really speaks to his character, look at the times in his life when he reaches out to you to fill that need of importance.
Someone of better character would have used this time in their lives to channel their energy into caring for their wife and newborn to get that feeling of importance.

[KeeG8181]

You're as bad as him. I'd hate to think of his wife at home with a young baby whilst her husband goes behind her back but you're just as responsible. Leave your own marriage and work on yourself

[ThreeLocusts]

A lot of judgment on here. Do end it with OM but stop beating yourself up, OP. You were vulnerable, he cynical.

[AlDanvers]

Well there's alot going on. You had decided to separate in the future but hadn't actually separated. But went out messing around. A man messing around with an ex in the same situation absolutely would called all sorts.

You know he has a partner who has a baby. But that's not a problem as long as you feel 'alive'.

You then agreed to stay with your husband. Though you know you don't want to be with him and telling him you just don't have 'those feelings'. Which is a lie, you don't have them for him. And, i presume, haven't told him what you are up to.

You haven't blocked the OM just h
'Hoping' he doesn't message again. Whilst also saying you will cave if he does. So absolutely the intention is there to carry this on. You wouldn't be caving. You would are choosing it.

And yet you seem to think this is all everyone else's fault. 'OM got in your head', 'he is playing with my head', 'it all instigated by him'. You stayed with your husband, because he wanted to. You didn't give him all the information, you know it all. You don't want to be there but stayed because he changed his mind. But kept info from him, like you do have 'these feelings' just nor for him. And that you really want to be with someone who does give you 'those feelings', so not him.

You are an adult and making these choices. You shut him down when he contacted before. But didn't block him. If I was in a relationship and an ex kept trying to get in touch, that I didn't want to be in touch. I would block them.

You are choosing to help him completely fuck over his partner and child. You know the exist. But still the responsibility is all his?

Stopping messing your husband around. Don't make out you want to work on the marriage when, this has all showed you that you don't want to be with him. Don't be the OW that part of ruining another womans life. Obviously he is a scumbag and his ruining her life. But why would you want to be part of it? Why would you even be attracted to that sort of man?

You don't want to be with your husband, but leading him to believe you are actually trying to save the marriage. While all your mental energy is going on this dickhead. Not your marriage or child or even you.

You probably aren't even the only OW. He makes you feel alive. But the truth his, you are just someone who is their for his own entertainment. How is that making you feel alive?

[Ellowyn]

Forget about the other man. Even if you were a couple with him the electrified sexual excitement would not last. If I were you I'd try to keep your marriage alive. You had passion/romance before with your husband and who's to say it won't happen again. Don't be in a hurry to end it - try counseling before you throw in the towel.

You both need to talk about why he is moody etc and you can't find the spark anymore.

[oatmilk4breakfast]

Read mating in captivity. Use the feelings that got reawakened and direct them towards your husband, as long as there’s no history of abuse etc. See if that works. Don’t bear yourself up.

[AlternativePerspective]

You’re not posting here because you want a kick up the backside and to be told what you’re doing is wrong. You’re posting here because you want posters to tell you that you were vulnerable, that it’s understandable that you ended up in this situation, and that he is the lowlife while you were the vulnerable woman who fell prey to him.You don’t need to be told you’re in the wrong. You know what you’re doing is wrong. You’ve been this man’s OW not once but twice. You already knew what he was like when you started to get involved this time, and yet you carried on safe in the knowledge that he would give you what you wanted and you would be able to give him what he wanted.

You are both as bad as each other. He has a wife and child, you have a husband and child, there is 0 difference between you.

[Aphrodite31]

I was very young and single when we had a fling many years ago, but he was not. Again all instigated by him but yes I have allowed it to happen.

So the guy is a sex icon for you. And he led the way by every time cheating on a partner to have sex with you.

You know this guy won't be any partner to you ever. He's actually disrupted your life.

You have no idea what you'll find out there without your family together. You can't be certain you'll find something better than what you have.

I too would choose family over sex. Your DH is sensible.

Think about your DD's life and how you want it to look.

Also you married your DH and promised to always give him a chance.

The ex guy will never be available to support you.

Funny that he has a wife and baby rather than being alone. ..... why is he not alone, then, and 'free'? (Because he knows how fundamentally important family is ... just not yours ...)

It would suit him if you were free as it would be easier for him to have sex with you. You'd effectively be a second wife for him, just there for sex but none of the responsibility.

He's not a predator - he's just appealing to your baser instincts and seeing if he gets lucky.

Give yourself orgasms. And keep your family.

[TinyW]

You need to leave your husband as it’s over. You won’t rekindle feelings for him by the sounds of it now so what’s the point of being together?

As for the other man, just cut contact. The feelings pass.

[RantyAunty]

It seems to me that rather than make you own decisions and stick with them, you allow others to influence you and you just go along with things.

You wanted to leave. Relatives thought you should wait until after Christmas so you did. Curious whether they were your or his relatives.

You wanted to leave. Sat down to discuss separation with your DH and he doesn't want to split and wanted to try again so you did.

How was the past guy able to get in touch with you?

Old creeper comes along trying it on again. You been very vulnerable went along with it again, knowing he was with someone else and what he's like.

You know you really don't want to be with your H anymore.
You don't need anyone elses influence or agreement to leave.

Make your plans to separate and get them going and then tell your DH you're leaving and that's that.

It would be a good idea to get into some type of counseling to figure out what you want in life, what your values and boundaries are. When you are solid on these things, you'll know what you want and other people won't be able to run over your boundaries.

I wouldn't worry about telling your DH about the guy. Your marriage has been over. Delete and block the past guy so there isn't anyway he can contact you anymore.

[MBM18]

@Allsorts1

Your feelings for this new man are NOT REAL! They are the result of neglect in your current relationship - I’m sure literally any man off the street could have fulfilled this need for you - so - definitely leave husband and block and never speak to this guy again - and then jump into fun dating with appropriate people!

I guarantee there are lots of lovely hot blokes out there who you can swing from the chandeliers with post divorce.

Try to see this dalliance as the jolt you needed to remind you of what you’re missing in life, and nothing more.

I was going to say something like this OP. Even though it feels like you really like him, it's probably more so the feelings he has given you, not actually him himself.
I can guarantee you if you two were to be together it would die off quickly.
Maybe you and your DH need some time apart and you'll find the grass isn't greener and it'll bring your relationship back together.
It's hard to miss someone and see the good when you're around them all the time feeling like you're wanting and missing something else.

[Ovenaffray]

You’re as bad as him. You had an affair with him before and now you’re back again for another bite of the cherry.

And he was married or in a relationship before when you had a “fling” as you downplay it as. And now you’ve done it again. Only you too are in a relationship this time.

Block and delete him on every medium of contact and do the decent thing and separate from your husband.


And don’t shag someone else’s husband or partner again.

[Ladybugzrock]

Sorry I don’t fall for the ‘vulnerable woman/predatory man’ stereotype. You made a series of damaging choices that you knew all the way along would damage your husband and another woman with a baby. You are NOT the victim and it does you a disservice when posters on here minimise your actions.

You are though reflecting on your actions and this is the time to get yourself into individual counselling. You’re using other people to fill a needy hole in yourself. You need to be able to fill that yourself. The ‘feelings’ you describe sound like limerance and typical of the secrecy and ‘excitement’ of illicit sexual experiences. But at their core it’s just dirty and seedy. Your brain will be twisting the narrative to ease your conscience, don’t let it.

NC with this man. Talk to you husband and tell him. Then get into individual counselling.

Good luck

[Ladybugzrock]

I will add there is a reason he chased you again and it’s that you’ve already shown him that his relationships his chosen partners won’t stop you meeting him and having a fling.

Surely you don’t want to be that person!

[Lolamento]

You got a taste of what is out there. At least your husband knows that a loving family is most important than sex. Do not go from a bad to a worse situation.

[blinder]

You clearly do have sexual feelings OP, but not with your husband. You can have them with someone else.

End both relationships and find someone who can make you happy. Have some safe flings, where no-one would get hurt, and use the time to work out what you like and what you are looking for in a partner.

[YoBeaches]

Clearly the other guy is only interested in sex with you as you have shown him that marriage isn't a boundary for you, given you did it when he was married.

He is enjoying manipulating you and is getting a kick out of thinking he has the power to get you to leave dh. But that's all he wants. It's an ego rub for himself. And you won't be the only one.

But marriage is a boundary for your husband. And one that he wants to keep. If your DH found out about this, do you think he'd forgive you and still want to make it work? Would he fuck, he'd be heartbroken.

End both relationships and spend some time on your own. Learn how to co-parent with your DH and go from there.

[Tabasco007]

@donesomethingterrible

Thank you for the replies. After spending most of the day crying (it's pathetic I know) I know what I must do.

*@Aquamarine1029*
I needed to hear such honesty as yes, I guess I actually began to believe we had a connection. What a dick I am.

Yes, sorry OP - he is probably a serial cheater and obviously a total wanker. Block and move on. I hope you can resolve how you must be feeling, maybe get some counseling. You need to focus and work on your own happiness and marriage. If you had spark with your husband before, can you not reignite this, or try, before you call it quits?

[GoodnightGrandma]

Leave your husband, not because of the fling, but because your marriage is dead and you can have a love life with someone else.

[Gasfire]

You have no sexual attraction to your husband.

You were willing to have a sexless marriage with him.

You have realised that sex makes you feel 'alive', but are thinking about trudging along in a marriage that clearly doesn't fulfil you.

Forget the other man; he's just a symptom.

Either start your marriage again and try and fix whatever the problem was.

Or leave.

[crestar]

Won't fuck her husband but happy to fuck someone else - and then make excuses for it.

Wonderful.