I have crossed a line - help

[donesomethingterrible]

Name changed and I cannot actually believe I'm posting this but here goes....

H and I had decided to separate a couple of months back. Things at home were so strained, he was so moody, me and DD walking on eggshells, he said there can't be any attraction as we don't have a sex life. Said he felt neglected as I am rarely at home, I don't ever instigate sex etc.

Anyway we were going to separate after Christmas to try and ensure that our DD had a good Christmas. Some family members had concerns about this and that it would be too difficult but we both agreed.

After Christmas had been....we sat down to discuss the details/practicalities and he told me he thinks we're making a mistake and we can fight for our marriage. I asked him how he would feel about a non existent sex life (as I have not had any feelings like that for a long time) and he said it's better to have a loving family.

I was just stunned and had decided in my head it was over. But being the idiot I am I then began to doubt my decision.
Long story short we're supposed to be trying again.

But this is the problem.....and I'm not expecting sympathy I am just in a really bad place and it feels better to share my thoughts and wonder if anyone in a similar position.

Shortly after we decided to separate somebody from the past got in touch to say hi. We haven't spoke for years and he definitely didn't know about the separation (nobody did).
He is with someone and they have a young baby.
At first it was just friendly but soon turned very flirtatious. I absolutely know I should have stopped it dead then - but I was dying inside at the thought of my marriage ending and the messages kept me going.

Something was reawakened in me that died a long, long time ago. He gave me a spark again. Made me feel attractive and wanted again. I know, oldest trick in the book.

Told him a few days ago I should probably not have him message me anymore. It killed me and I realised my feelings were getting deeper.
Despite this stupidly we ended up meeting briefly and the chemistry was absolutely electric. I had honestly really hoped that I'd find in real life it had faded after many years since I last saw him. It hasn't.
We did some things that I am not proud of and I feel horrific.
Partly with guilt each time I look at my husband. But mostly as I know this man is in a happy, committed relationship with a much, much younger woman and I am thinking about him every second of the day. I am desperate for the feelings he has given me and I know I can't have him. It is just not like that with H and I sadly.

I know I need to cut all contact and forget about him but I am finding it awful. I can't concentrate in work and can't sleep, I feel sick. I am so worried that I'll cave if he messages again.....this is not me. But I feel alive again.

Sorry for the long rambling post and I truly never saw this coming, I've never done anything like this in my life before 😞

You didn't see it coming? Give over. You and DH have both neglected your marriage, you could've done something about this, begun counselling together, communicated, both of you. Instead you've put your energy into an affair with a total creep, you weren't vulnerable, oh but I needed the feelings, the excitement, to be wanted, how thrilling. You had a relationship already, you have a child too, you weren't helpless, nor is he. Cut him off, talk to your DH, parent your own child instead of breaking up another marriage. Maybe its over, maybe not but what you have done has speeded it up. This isn't all your DH's fault, some, but you are all adults, all behaving badly. This married man with a baby isn't a future partner for you or stepfather for your daughter.

As someone who had an affair, my advice is this. Leave. You want sex and intimacy, just not with your husband, you've discovered that now and trying to flog the dead horse of your marriage is making your husband and yourself settle for second best.

I'm going to buck the trend here.
Don't deny your feelings - they are real, they just might be telling you something different to what you think.
You think they are about this man, I think they are your subconscious not wanting to be sexless and telling you, you need a sexually intimate relationship.
You know you don't want this with your husband, it also sounds like you didn't really want to reconcile but he guilt tripped you into it.
I think you should tell your husband and split up, then when you feel ready spend some time finding the right man to give you the loving relationship you need. OM isn't that, he's a cheating scumbag but you can learn from this and find what you need.

No judgement from me op. These situations are rarely black and white.

Please stop beating yourself up

@OakRowan

You didn't see it coming? Give over. You and DH have both neglected your marriage, you could've done something about this, begun counselling together, communicated, both of you. Instead you've put your energy into an affair with a total creep, you weren't vulnerable, oh but I needed the feelings, the excitement, to be wanted, how thrilling. You had a relationship already, you have a child too, you weren't helpless, nor is he. Cut him off, talk to your DH, parent your own child instead of breaking up another marriage. Maybe its over, maybe not but what you have done has speeded it up. This isn't all your DH's fault, some, but you are all adults, all behaving badly. This married man with a baby isn't a future partner for you or stepfather for your daughter.

^ very wise

Some of you are so fucking harsh! Calling the OP "shit"??

This guy has shown you that you are not dead inside, you are capable of lust, passion, desire... just not with hubby. That's ok! That's actually good. It's all the catalyst you need to leave the marriage permanently. You can have all those amazing feelings again but with someone who is available. Tell the OM to back off and concentrate on his partner and kids...he is out of order here and no good will come of continuing contact. It'll end in tears, most likely yours.

Free yourself of this marriage for YOU. Leave hubby and when youre ready, start dating.

Let’s put aside the moralising here
As humans fuck up

You decided to split , and then pressure didn’t allow it
You want to split
This guy has come along Exactly when you are most vulnerable and open to temptation
And it’s totally sods law that you are hot and horny for him
Our bodies have an unfortunate way

You want to split , and now you really need to split

But this guy unless he’s single is going to be one shit load of stress and pain

So focus on the split
God knows how you wean yourself off this other guy
But it’s not going to end well

I don't think you need to feel that guilty towards your husband, staying together was obviously an awful idea in the first place. TTC in these circumstances is madness.

So, this guy is not the one for you. His morals don't appear great, he's cheating on his partner and has a young baby. Even if you DID get together, it would be immensely complicated as a result, most likely miserable.

But what he has shown you, and just in time by the sounds of it, is that like most people you do not want to be in a lustless, empty marriage. So leave your husband, and find the spark with someone new!

I don't know why almost everyone is being horrible to the OP, she's not posting in aibu. She knows she's in the wrong, she's upset & guilty already. Are some of you getting a vicarious kick out of your moralising.

Op you know what you need to do, your marriage is over, you need to leave. Ignore this other man, he was simply a lesson that you do need love & passion.
Block him & move on. Ignore him forever after.
Amicably split with your husband
Start a new life & in time the right person will come along.
Good luck.

@donesomethingterrible let’s simplify this and leave everyone else out of it.

You’ve been unhappy. You’re still unhappy.

This man from your past is not the path to happiness and you know that, so box him off. Done. Gone. ✅

Your marriage? You don’t know at this point, so that’s a ❓

What you do know is that you have it in you to be reawakened. So the question to work on is will you settle and stay in the marriage or end it and make a new life ❓❓

I’d concentrate on finding out and reaching a good place with your current DH with peace of mind for you both and being able to enjoy life again without cheating anyone.

Just waiting for the young wife with a baby to post a new thread on how she has a feeling that her DH maybe seeing someone.

I am not moralising as I feel that there are some situations where an affair can be justified but in this case no.

Moving forward I believe the best thing to do is move on from you DH so he can possibly find someone who loves him and get the same feeling that you have with your affair partner but without the added complications.

Once alone with you DD reassess what you want and consider what your values are.

You also deserve a good life and this is not what it looks like.

OP you are as vulnerable as hell right now. Get divorced from your DH. These feelings ARE there, just not for DH. Get free is the first thing and then date.

OM is not free despite how he is behaving.

I'm not blaming you in the least, & contrary to your assertion, think you are deserving of sympathy OP.

You were blindsided by DH's refusal to continue with the plan to split.
In your mind, it is over, & now you will need to have the whole unwelcome discussion again, & deal with both DH's & your own wounded feelings.

When we are in a morass of pain & confusion, it can help to to look at the situation with brutal clarity & simplicity.
Your life is presently very complicated & a bit shit.
So 1) cut out the complication & 2) flush the shit.

You are going to obsess over Mr Electric, because you are unhappy, have a sexless marriage, & feel trapped by DH reneging on your agreement to split. You dread the emotional & practical load of addressing the fact that you still want to split. So you escape into Happy Feelings mode via Mr Electric.
Here comes the brutality - hold onto your hat -
Mr Electric IS TAKEN. Stop fucking about with him!
I understand how hard that will be. So BLOCK HIM FFS.

The longer you spend daydreaming about Mr Electric, the longer it is going to take you to wake the fuck up & realise that you don't need DH's permission to keep your end of the agreement & split.
I'm not blaming DH for changing his mind & feeling what he feels about hanging on to the marriage.
But his feelings don't change yours, do they?
So - once you have accepted you need to go Cold Turkey by blocking Mr Electric - your mind will be your own again, & you can start getting practical with seeing a solicitor ... you know the whole ducks/row drill.

You can also use this time to give yourself a good talking to about what is best for YOU right now. I can guarantee that a sleazy affair with someone else's partner is not going to be good for you. It's not going to do DD any good either, because while you are sorting the awfulness of the divorce & new living arrangements, your focus needs to be on your daughter, not some random shag.

It will be hard, you will have regrets.
But you will come out the other side without hating yourself.
You can look back & think "fuuuuuck that was a close one, but I backed away from Mr Electric before any real damage got done, I stuck to my guns on the divorce, & above all - I put my child's needs above my own at a difficult time in her life."

You have no time for romantic relationships right now OP.
because right now, your entire focus needs to be on extricating yourself from your current, failed one, & protecting your DD from the emotional fallout.

Good luck, & I hope that a year from now you are free, in a comfortable new home with a content DD - & free to have flings with whichever single men take your fancy.
The current man is simply a distraction that's preventing you from getting to that place.

You are all so right and this is helpful. And I do really appreciate the kind words that have been posted, so thank you.
I am an absolute mess today. I don't know how to get over OM I feel absolutely terrible and can't even eat.

I know I said we met briefly, but we did not have full on sex. I'm not sure I could do that. But then again I know if we met again it's what we would both want and that is why it can't happen.

His ex wife had a long affair and he met his current girlfriend shortly afterwards.
He was not married when we had a thing many years ago but was in a relationship. He is completely in love with his gf and their life appears amazing and perfect on FB.

I know he is a player and I have told him I know he will be messaging other women. Obviously he insists it's always only been me, but even I am not naive enough to believe that.

Reading all of this back honestly a few months ago I would have thought "what a sad, pathetic cow". I've lost my mind.

Try and see your obsession with him as a mental illness
I’m not joking !
Shift from ‘oh this is such an amazing connection’
To this is my ducked up brain messing me around

It helps a bit x

Also my DD is my absolute world. The main reason I'm doubting the split obviously. She has some quite bad neuro difficulties and i am terrified of what it would do to her. DH does not really believe in it and I take on the brunt, if not all of the challenging behaviour as she can only really "let go" with me. I am exhausted most of the time which is another reason I have recently felt alive - OM has almost given me a different persona.

I know none of this changes anything but still everything is such a mess.

Yep the guy is bad news. Sounds like a moral'less shit of a man.

You have no future whatsoever; he would cheat on you, just like his cheated on his wife and previous partners.

Separate from your husband, get some therapy and sort your boundaries out. Have some standards.

This guy may have made you feel this way, to spur you into realising you are not happy with your husband either. Cut him free. It's unfair of you to pretend to be making it work.

I have been on the receiving end of a cheating bastard husband and trust me, I'd rather he'd just told me he wasn't happy and ended it..but instead he humiliated me and was a selfish shit in the process.

Give yourself some self-respect and move forward on your own, without either of these men.

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Try and see your obsession with him as a mental illness I’m not joking ! Shift from ‘oh this is such an amazing connection’ To this is my ducked up brain messing me around

It helps a bit x

Absolutely this. Limerence is real and sounds like what OP is experiencing. The OM is just an escape from her unhappy reality; could be drink, drugs or affairs....the root cause is unhappiness and desire to escape current reality.

I have a mentally Ill son and totally escaped into an online Liason
But , it really messed me up and didn’t actually help with anything
But after 2 years single the sexy messages , the attention , feeling pretty and horny again really woke me up !!!!
I was horny 24/7 , stranger taking care of myself again etc , started flirting
But after 6 months I reluctantly realised the stress and sadness was way more than the gain

I do get why this is making you feel happy again
Been this and got the bikini wax and uplifting bra !

It’s human x

SarahBop

Yes !!!! Limerence is what I had
Total head fuck

This is going to sound harsh but I think you need a reality check by putting yourself in someone else's shoes. So...

Remember how vulnerable you felt when your baby was born? How you needed the support of your partner? How it was the start of a new chapter that was exciting but scary and required you and your partner to be close and kind to each other? To be a team?

Now imagine you felt all those things then had found out during that time, being a new mum (in this case one much, much younger than her partner) and feeling vulnerable... your husband had been messaging someone else and meeting them to have sex / sexual contact.

How would that have affected your mental health? How would that have affected your ability to enjoy your new baby? To feel empowered and strong as a mother? It would have been horrific to deal with, right? That might happen. She might find out, loads of people do. It would literally make her ill. Make her less able to healthily parent her baby as it would zap her confidence, take away mental resources, make her even more exhausted from being devastated.

Staying in touch with this man, or even refusing to block him, is tantamount to giving all those consequences for this poor young woman the green light.

What would you think about the woman who met him knowing his circumstances and knowing how she herself felt when she was a new mum? About a woman who knew all the likely consequences but didn't just block the bloke and move on?

That's the woman you're being at the moment. Surely you want to be more than that.

Stop hanging your self image on what men think and focus on yourself. Leave your marriage, focus on coparenting successfully for the kids best interest and cut contact with the kind of cunt who leaves his the mother of his child with their new baby to go and flirt with, kiss and get a blow job (or whatever you did) off a woman he knew years ago who is married with a child.

Most importantly - get some counselling. Asap. Solo counselling, to unravel whatever has led to this happening.

This dynamic will destroy you, damage your chance of healthily coparenting your daughter with your husband when you split and leave you with more and more self esteem and self worth issues the longer it goes on.

I know this man is in a ... committed relationship

No he's not. No-one in a 'committed' relationship behaves like this.

Think about his poor partner and child and your husband and children. You have both deceived your families in the cruelest way. You need to do the right thing, whatever you feel that is.

Re the harsh responses : it's so easy to see things as black and white when you're happily married and everything is rosy. So easy to think "I'd never do that!", whilst looking on smugly.

I'm in my 50's now, and I've seen a fait bit of life and relationships (my own and my friends). In my opinion, some people get a form of PTSD when the relationship they thought was for life, comes to an abrupt end. All hopes, plans and dreams have gone out of the window, and it's very damaging, especially to the Partner who didn't want to separate. This can lead to the injured party having a meltdown and doing some very "out of character" things. Add in hormones and some sexual excitement that you haven't felt for a very long time, and it's entirely understandable that things can get a bit hairy.

IMO, this OM has reminded you of what you once felt, and what you want to feel again. That's all though, he is not a long term prospect, not least because he appears to be a serial adulterer. So, you either try to focus on your marriage and possibly re-light that fire, or you split, be single and available to date again. Take your time. There is no rush. It took me 4 years to leave my ExH, and the catalyst was very similar to yours.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

This is going to sound harsh but I think you need a reality check by putting yourself in someone else's shoes. So...

Remember how vulnerable you felt when your baby was born? How you needed the support of your partner? How it was the start of a new chapter that was exciting but scary and required you and your partner to be close and kind to each other? To be a team?

Now imagine you felt all those things then had found out during that time, being a new mum (in this case one much, much younger than her partner) and feeling vulnerable... your husband had been messaging someone else and meeting them to have sex / sexual contact.

How would that have affected your mental health? How would that have affected your ability to enjoy your new baby? To feel empowered and strong as a mother? It would have been horrific to deal with, right? That might happen. She might find out, loads of people do. It would literally make her ill. Make her less able to healthily parent her baby as it would zap her confidence, take away mental resources, make her even more exhausted from being devastated.

Staying in touch with this man, or even refusing to block him, is tantamount to giving all those consequences for this poor young woman the green light.

What would you think about the woman who met him knowing his circumstances and knowing how she herself felt when she was a new mum? About a woman who knew all the likely consequences but didn't just block the bloke and move on?

That's the woman you're being at the moment. Surely you want to be more than that.

Stop hanging your self image on what men think and focus on yourself. Leave your marriage, focus on coparenting successfully for the kids best interest and cut contact with the kind of cunt who leaves his the mother of his child with their new baby to go and flirt with, kiss and get a blow job (or whatever you did) off a woman he knew years ago who is married with a child.

Most importantly - get some counselling. Asap. Solo counselling, to unravel whatever has led to this happening.

This dynamic will destroy you, damage your chance of healthily coparenting your daughter with your husband when you split and leave you with more and more self esteem and self worth issues the longer it goes on.

This is all very well, but even if the Op did retreat, this guy will not suddenly turn in to the Father and Husband of the year overnight. He will have a few women on the go. Call me cynical, but I've met this type before.

@Lolamento

You got a taste of what is out there. At least your husband knows that a loving family is most important than sex. Do not go from a bad to a worse situation.

As DH isn't contributing to any sort of loving family - he's a grump whose own child has to walk on eggshells around him - your sanctimony is somewhat misplaced @Lolamento