I’m turning into a psycho and I can’t help myself..

[Helpmeimpoor73]

A few years ago my husband used adult webcams on and off for around 6 months and spent around £1800 doing so, this was on livejasmin.com

I’ve tried so hard trying to get past this and sometimes I feel as though I am and everything is great however sometimes I get a horrible feeling in my stomach he’s still doing the same thing.

I’m probably going to get flamed but I know his email address and password. I have been searching different webcam sites and clicked “forgot password” to see if anything with a username gets emailed to him.

I’ve found out in the past week he has accounts with the following -

Cams.com
Streamray.com
Xpanded.com
Sospoilt.com
Pornhub.com

I have no idea when any of these accounts were created apart from pornhub where it says the account was created 5 months ago, they could have been from years ago before the webcams I found out about.

He also had an adultwork account but when I try to request a password it tells me the account has been deactivated.

I am literally spending hours each night looking for new websites where I can find he is connected to, I can’t help myself and I feel like I’m going crazy.

Further info - been together 10 years, married for 1 with 2 children. I’m 28 and he is 37. He works away hence why I’m able to do my searching.

It's not you that's the psycho! It's the porn-sick waste of space you're in a relationship with.

Why are you with him?

Please see a solicitor and get rid. You are NOT a psycho, it's his cheating and porn addiction which is the issue. You don't need anymore evidence.

You know that it's over. Now is the the time to do what is best for you and don't look back.

The best advice I ever heard was never try and stop a man from cheating.
Let him cheat.
If that's what he wants to do, that's what he'll do.
Dont make your self ill trying to stop it.
He's shown you who he is.

I'm so sorry

He is a sleaze. He got together with you when you were 18 and he was 27. That's just plain wrong.

Get the divorce done.

Would his bank or credit card statements not show up if he was buying services online?

If there’s no trust your relationship is over. Sometimes you can come back from stuff like this. Sometimes you can’t and it’s better to split up.

It’s no way to live. Imagine how much better life will be when you’ve binned him off and can go about your days no longer worrying about what grubby stuff he’s up to.

The reason I found out about the webcams years ago was because of bank statements, they were on our joint account, idiot. There is nothing now but I wouldn’t put it past him having another account I know nothing about, and obviously won’t be able to get access to.

There are a couple of things holding us together, 1 being our children. I found out about the webcams when our youngest was 6 weeks old, he had done it through my pregnancy and after the birth.

Do people leave someone if they can’t get over something they done years ago? I feel like I have tried to move on but my paranoia is out of control. I also feel if I ever do meet anyone else, I’ve fucked it already, that I’m going to be this way.

18 and 27 when you got together? Yuck. Sorry that tells me everything I need to know. He’s a creep. You weren’t to know at 18, but now you do. You can accept it and leave or live your life constantly wondering what he’s up to. I know which I’d pick.

do people leave someone if they can’t get over something they done years ago?

Its not a one of incident though is it. Your husband is a habitual user of webcams and potentially prostitutes.

This isn't a one off mistake, its who he is as a person. You uncovered that person and understandably felt blindsided and deeply uncomfortable. That does not make you a "psycho".

The fact he got with you at such a young age when he was a fully fledged adult is very telling in itself.

Even in a no-blame scenario (of course what he did was wrong but giving him the benefit of the doubt that he hasn’t done anything recently), his actions have turned you into someone you don’t want to be. I would start there. Perhaps counselling would help but that? Then you may be able to set some boundaries with yourself I.e. if he has gone back to these sites would that be a game changer for you and enough to leave? If so then comes the honest conversation with him to find out if he has.
IMO without trust a relationship can’t work but the worst part is the effect it is having on you right now.

Is it the fact he's paying for this or the fact he's looking at it?

He's a porn addict. He will never beat it, and you will never beat it. You are really young and don't realise that you can survive the break-up. You can. Look after yourself and start now. Understand you have been driven to your current state of mind and that you can escape - and thrive. It will be tough for a few years, but this is the rest of your life.

Sexual issues eat at your esteem like nothing else.

I have always said, from masses of personal experience. You cannot solve sexual issues in a man. End of. You cannot. He will revert time and time again. Sexual patterns are really hard wired. Don't think that anything you do, say or threaten will make any difference. He will lie and take it under the radar. Your only option is leave or chuck yourself under a bus and live in pain. Make your choice. Courage.

Isn't it time that you admit your marriage is dead and over? You have zero trust in him, for good reason. Release yourself from this hell and utter madness. Get a solicitor and get a divorce. Life shouldn't be this way.

I'm sure pornhub and similar sites were offering free premium subscriptions during lockdown...so it's possible he just signed up to that for free to watch the extra porn videos...but that he's not spending extra on cam girls.

I'm not sure if that would be ok with you or not. Do you have an issue with him watching porn or is it specifically paying for cam girls?

Anyway...regardless of that this isn't healthy. You can't keep going on like this.

Do you think you have a touch of PTSD? It's not just for soldiers and can cause you to become a tad obsessive. Try put all the effort you're putting in to searching for evidence into looking after you instead. Obsessively read mantras and self esteem boosters instead of trawling through awful websites which make you feel worse. The internet is a cesspool when you go digging. Feel better.

Sometimes clients who experience a partner’s infidelity meet the criteria for posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), says Gabrielle Usatynski, a licensed professional counselor (LPC) and founder of Power Couples Counseling in Boulder and Louisville, Colorado. In fact, because the emotional response to infidelity (e.g., ruminating thoughts, sleep problems, erratic behaviors and moods, health problems, depression) can mirror responses to other traumatic events, some therapists have started using the term post-infidelity stress disorder to describe this parallel.

“If you pull up the DSM-5 and look up the PTSD criteria and change the word traumatic event to infidelity, it’s almost going to be picture perfect in terms of the symptom criteria,” Alsaleem points out. “There will be triggers, flashbacks, hypervigilance, avoidance behavior, and manifestations related to the knowledge about the affair and everything related to the affair.”

I think your trawling of the internet for evidence is a kind of hypervigilance. Your partner has mentally wounded you. Take a step back from him and focus on you.

Maybe think through what you're hoping to achieve from looking into this? If you find proof he's not doing it, will you feel satisfied and want to stay in the relationship? If you find evidence of ongoing behaviour would you want to end the marriage? To be honest you don't really need either if you're not feeling like you want to stay with him moving forward. It's not about what happened in the past and feeling you have to commit to stay with him now if you no longer want to. The timing was different, and the situation was too. You made your decisions based upon that then. Life moves on and you don't have to stay with him if it's not what you want now, nobody needs to stay in a relationship if it's not what they want. Easy enough for others to say though as they're not the ones dealing with the fallout of it ending.

Why are you using that language to describe yourself. You’re not a psycho.
On the other hand, how much proof you need that this relationship is not good. 10 websites, 20? Save yourself grief and invest those hours in doing something for yourself instead of trying to find out all sites he’s on. You have enough proof it’s not working for you.
Unless you are happy... get a divorce. You will sooner or later so why postpone.

Oh 18 and 27 is very revealing. Don’t let this porn addict take any more of your best years.
You can’t stop him, he’ll always be an addict and there’s nothing you can do for him.
But save yourself.

Having said that... it took me 10 years to start divorce proceedings since i found out about my ‘d’h porn addiction. I don’t judge you.
Important part for me was to achieve complete emotional detachment. I literally don’t care what he does anymore. It’s taken 10 years but i can now divorce without emotional trauma as i have zero emotion left.
It was important for me to get to that stage as pain provokes self destructing behavior in me which i cannot afford with 2 kids.

If you can, get out sooner. This doesn’t get better. This is what i was told on here years ago and it has proved to be truth.

I was 29 when i got together with him. I’m turning 40 soon. You are so young still. Don’t waste your best years on this. Invest in yourself, your career. Just leave him to it. Like any other addiction, this will hold you back and you will lose out in the long run.
His addiction is for him to fix, you didn’t cause it and you cannot fix him

I was with a porn addict. I'd found out about his addiction 7 days after having his baby. I became obsessed, it was all I could think about. I had access to his iPad, which had his Google history, email, Facebook - the lot. I also found out he was throwing his money down the drain on subscriptions to different women. I also suspect prostitutes but no concrete evidence. Either way, it was soul destroying.

It would be kinder to yourself if you let him go. Months of stalking is not going to solve anything and will only cause insanity and poor self esteem. He sounds like an addict and addicts don't quit easily, so you're in for probably years of pain should you choose to stay.

You are in for years of pain, as rightly pointed out by @RLEOM. Take it from me. It never got better for us and we wasted money on numerous relate sessions (£60 a pop) trying to fix it.
At 28, just get out. He doesn’t sound interested in fixing it.