I’m turning into a psycho and I can’t help myself..

[Helpmeimpoor73]

A few years ago my husband used adult webcams on and off for around 6 months and spent around £1800 doing so, this was on livejasmin.com

I’ve tried so hard trying to get past this and sometimes I feel as though I am and everything is great however sometimes I get a horrible feeling in my stomach he’s still doing the same thing.

I’m probably going to get flamed but I know his email address and password. I have been searching different webcam sites and clicked “forgot password” to see if anything with a username gets emailed to him.

I’ve found out in the past week he has accounts with the following -

Cams.com
Streamray.com
Xpanded.com
Sospoilt.com
Pornhub.com

I have no idea when any of these accounts were created apart from pornhub where it says the account was created 5 months ago, they could have been from years ago before the webcams I found out about.

He also had an adultwork account but when I try to request a password it tells me the account has been deactivated.

I am literally spending hours each night looking for new websites where I can find he is connected to, I can’t help myself and I feel like I’m going crazy.

Further info - been together 10 years, married for 1 with 2 children. I’m 28 and he is 37. He works away hence why I’m able to do my searching.

[1forAll74]

Don't drive yourself mad anymore, don't keep searching these sites anymore. It is bad enough being with someone with the kind of tendencies that your Husband has, without the stress that it is causing you. You know enough already about his activities, so finding more stuff will only add more stress and upset for you..

If your Husband does not care about the upset that he causes you, then he is not worth knowing.

[AgentJohnson]

Do people leave someone if they can’t get over something they done years ago?

Years ago? He’s still on the sites. The option to LTB is always there.

This is who he is, not accepting it but constantly looking for confirmation that’s who he is, is a choice. Haven’t you wasted enough time on this idiot?

You’re at a point now where you’re just feeding your anxiety and that isn’t good for you or your child.

[jelly79]

Getting through the pain of leaving someone is heart breaking. But it sounds like this is hurting you anyway and will continue to.

You will be much happier and free of the anxiety and pain this is causing you when you draw the line and walk away. Know your worth it's a very valuable lesson for your children to learn from you x

[Friendsoftheearth]

I don't think this situation will ever improve, and it is hurting you a great deal. No, I don't think you will ever more on from it, because you know on some level he is always going to continue in some capacity or another.

You can spend the next forty years of your life until you are too old to leave, or you can choose to have a life not full of dirty secrets, wasted money that could be for your children, and a marriage that is not worth the paper it is written on.

Best of luck op - I am so sorry.

[Floralbean]

He sounds disgusting, paying to stream whilst you were pregnant, no thanks. You deserve better.

[Motormouthvan]

LTB- it won’t get better and even if it did, you probably wouldn’t 100% trust or believe him anyway. Be strong, regain your mental well being by getting rid. Your child will quickly learn you’re in an unhappy relationship and why put them through that too. And you’re not psycho-he is! Good luck!

[Needtogetbackinthesack]

@Helpmeimpoor73 you're not scuppered for a future relationship at all. I had a very similar situation - found out at 7 weeks pregnant that my husband paid for porn. Found more a few months later then found tens of thousands of pounds worth when the second kid was 9 weeks old. I was rageful, the anger made me sick, I snooped, became obsessed. Until I found the really big bill then something snapped in me and I didn't care anymore and left.

I'm now in a completely different relationship. I'd never snoop, I trust him implicitly and I feel secure. You're acting as you are because he's broken your trust and disrespected you, time and time again. It doesn't have to be like this

[Helpmeimpoor73]

Thanks for the replies.

Once I found out about the webcams he told me he was depressed (first I had ever heard of), this was a way to try and get me to forget about the webcams, I think i stopped talking to him for around 2 days max, I was alone with no help from family and I needed somebody to talk to and ended up forgiving him.

Just over 2 years ago there was also an incident with a sex worker, he called the number on his phone and said he only called for a “massage” and that he never actually went but the £90 from his bank account was nowhere to be found.

Both times he has pleaded with me that he loves our family so much and that nothing will ever happen again.

I’m not the person I used to be, im emotional a lot, I don’t feel as if I’m very fun. I do blame this whole situation for changing me as a person.

I just need to sort out what I need to do from here. I know if I seen a payment made to one of the websites again that would be the absolute last straw.

I have even been tempted to make up a fake account of a woman and message him.. how fucked up is that?

[LionLily]

You are not a psycho. You are still in the midst of an extremely distressing and stressful situation. It is ongoing for these past years. It never went away. The way out is to disengage from the situation, that means the relationship is over. You have to get yourself to the point where his actions (beyond those as a father) have no value to you. They have no bearing on your life. He has his path (tawdry and sordid as it may be) and you have your path ahead of you. You need to get him out of your bed, out of your house and out of your head. Then you can have a period of peaceful recovery while you put yourself back together before embracing a time free of suspicious snooping.

[Shoxfordian]

He's a disgusting cheat. Don't put up with this shit op. You don't need to forgive it or tolerate it

[category12]

You can help yourself.

This relationship doesn't work and is destroying your mental health, turning you into someone you don't want to be, and someone you don't have to be.

Stop the obsession train, get off, break up the relationship and do some counselling to put yourself back together.

You are the one in charge of your own life decisions. You only need to choose differently. I'm not going to kid you that it's easy - but this is your one life, don't spend it like this.

[IdblowJonSnow]

You just need to walk away from this OP. You don't need a 'last straw'.

And why are you calling yourself a psycho because you're upset by his behaviour?

Man cheats = upset woman. Not a psycho.

Do yourself and your kids a big favour here.

Hope you're ok. Unfortunately this is more common than we would like to think. People leave and make new lives. You can too. And you're so young. You've got your whole life ahead of you.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Why have you described yourself as a pyscho?. You are not yet you use such language to describe your own self. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Nothing from what you have written and now you're basically further torturing yourself as some form of self punishment.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. They are seeing a constantly worried and otherwise preoccupied mother because you are giving this worthless gutless man your precious headspace, power and control. This is no legacy to leave them.

Your children are absolutely NO reason or basis at all to stay with this man. Stop using them as a reason to stay with him.

Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships. From this perspective we might question the sincerity of the expression “for the sake of the children.” Not infrequently, people are simply afraid to move on with their lives and take their own responsibility for happiness. Financial concerns or the fear of being alone often motivate such paralysis, hidden beneath the mask of staying together for the children.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. They are seeing a constantly worried and otherwise preoccupied mother because you are giving this worthless gutless man your precious headspace, power and control. This is no legacy to leave them.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up? This person met you when you were 18 and so had no real life experience behind you. You were targeted by him and deliberately so. Please listen to the wise words of these other posters and divorce this person.

[Dyinginsideatthecringe]

@Helpmeimpoor73

Thanks for the replies.

Once I found out about the webcams he told me he was depressed (first I had ever heard of), this was a way to try and get me to forget about the webcams, I think i stopped talking to him for around 2 days max, I was alone with no help from family and I needed somebody to talk to and ended up forgiving him.

Just over 2 years ago there was also an incident with a sex worker, he called the number on his phone and said he only called for a “massage” and that he never actually went but the £90 from his bank account was nowhere to be found.

Both times he has pleaded with me that he loves our family so much and that nothing will ever happen again.

I’m not the person I used to be, im emotional a lot, I don’t feel as if I’m very fun. I do blame this whole situation for changing me as a person.

I just need to sort out what I need to do from here. I know if I seen a payment made to one of the websites again that would be the absolute last straw.

I have even been tempted to make up a fake account of a woman and message him.. how fucked up is that?

Woah okay.

My personal boundary is I don't mind my husband wanting porn but I'd be livid if he paid for it. I'd be livid over a fiver nevermind £1800 but you decided to stay and that's fine but the spending £90 on a sex worker? That's cheating, please get rid - you don't need to live like this and you don't deserve to x

[TorkTorkBam]

Why do you need a last straw? The other straws would have been enough for most women. I wonder do you feel that because you told him you will forgive him that that is some how contractually binding, you can't say "actually, I can't get over what you did, it is over."

[Closetbeanmuncher]

Just over 2 years ago there was also an incident with a sex worker, he called the number on his phone and said he only called for a “massage” and that he never actually went but the £90 from his bank account was nowhere to be found

I think you're terrified of being a single parent and that's why you're putting up with this. It sounds to me like you're still trapped in your 18 year old self thinking you can't do this without him.

I've been a single parent to DC with additional needs for nearly a decade and I can assure you that athough it has its moments it's actually not even a fraction as bad as what you think it is.

You know what he is OP, so instead of snooping invest your time into rebuilding your self esteem and building your relationships with friends and family so you have a life without him.

You're essentially sitting in a locked cage holding a key, you have the power to regain control of your life and peace of mind...use it.

[frustratedstep]

You are not the problem. This would send anyone crazy. You need to leave, but I think you know that. Please do. There is more to life than this

[RandomMess]

He probably has some sort of phone app account to pay for these things, he has just got better at covering his tracks. He probably has new email addresses that he uses too.

Put your energy into divorcing him and get your sanity back!!

[Helpmeimpoor73]

Again, thanks for the good advice, there has been a lot of it on this post.

I looked up ptsd (infidelity) and this quote is me to an absolute tee

“ Inability to stop scanning for any new data that might cause more distress”

For everyone who has said I’m not a psycho, thank you because after reading the comments I’m realising I’m not actually one.. however at the time of writing the post it’s how I felt about myself.

I’m itching to do some more searching tonight but I’m going to refrain and watch a nice film to take my mind off of it.

[Opentooffers]

He got you when you were young and the boundaries had not been firmly fixed. He's already transcended the boundaries that most would have - ie. Shagging a prostitute. Somehow you forgave that, strange how people can twist things to make them seem less bad. If you could speak to your 17 year old self and ask her if a BF or DH shagging a prostitute was a dealbreaker, what would she say? Then realise how far you have been pushed to tolerate this shit over the years. Just get rid, it's all just yuk!

[Helpmeimpoor73]

I think if I had the 100% proof about the prostitute it would be a lot easier for me to leave, but it’s the fact he said he never went and it was just a massage person, I don’t know the truth

I would have said back then it’s absolutely a dealbreaker

We also have 2 daughters.. if their husbands treated them like this I would be devastated

[RandomMess]

The lack of trust is destroying you anyway.

BTW - he's lying, it was far more than a message otherwise why hide it? I have a physio massage weekly in my house...

[newnameforthis123]

We also have 2 daughters.. if their husbands treated them like this I would be devastated

The longer you stay with him, the longer this is likely as we learn relationship modelling from our parents. Their relationship shows us through actions what is normal and acceptable, how two adults in a relationship should communicate, how equal they should be. If you won't leave without proof for your own sake, do it for them.

They ALL say they didn't go through with it.

They ALL say the first time you find out was the first time.

They will, if pushed into a corner, ALL swear on their kids lives they're telling the truth when they're lying.

He's a run of the mill punter and wanker.

You deserve more. So do your daughters.

[myohmywhatawonderfulday]

Try looking up Betrayal Trauma Recovery - www.btr.org


I actually think your response is quite a 'normal' response to the betrayal but (and I say this as someone who truly understands) it's not a particularly healthy behaviour for you to keep repeating. But I think you have recognised this yourself. It's not helping, you already know all you need to know. Betrayal Recovery Trauma helped me to decide on a next step. Good luck x

[Helpmeimpoor73]

Thank you for the link, il check that out tonight.

I looked back last months credit card statement today. There are around 5/6 apple transactions. I matched them all on his emails apart from one, it’s for £22.99 and now I can’t stop thinking about it being an app he’s got, I must have spent around an hour and a half digging into this, it just needs to stop

He has never used our credit card for Apple before, it’s always been on his own bank account so I’m even more wary