I’m turning into a psycho and I can’t help myself..

[Helpmeimpoor73]

A few years ago my husband used adult webcams on and off for around 6 months and spent around £1800 doing so, this was on livejasmin.com

I’ve tried so hard trying to get past this and sometimes I feel as though I am and everything is great however sometimes I get a horrible feeling in my stomach he’s still doing the same thing.

I’m probably going to get flamed but I know his email address and password. I have been searching different webcam sites and clicked “forgot password” to see if anything with a username gets emailed to him.

I’ve found out in the past week he has accounts with the following -

Cams.com
Streamray.com
Xpanded.com
Sospoilt.com
Pornhub.com

I have no idea when any of these accounts were created apart from pornhub where it says the account was created 5 months ago, they could have been from years ago before the webcams I found out about.

He also had an adultwork account but when I try to request a password it tells me the account has been deactivated.

I am literally spending hours each night looking for new websites where I can find he is connected to, I can’t help myself and I feel like I’m going crazy.

Further info - been together 10 years, married for 1 with 2 children. I’m 28 and he is 37. He works away hence why I’m able to do my searching.

The thing is if you had complete knowledge that you saw his wages going in and all outgoings and knew there was no secret spending at all . Would you feel ok then ? Or if he was using free sites would you feel any better ?

I think in some ways the trust has gone and you at least need a complete break for a while to see how you feel .

And if he loves you he should understand that .

Men who want to buy sex believe consent can be bought. They don't care if the woman in question has been abused / trafficked - there's no way they could know she isn't, but they are happy to take the risk to pay to fuck them. As far as a punter is concerned, 'some' women (prostitutes / escorts) exist for a man to shag and that's it. That's who you're with, a punter. The same men would call women who sleep around a 'slag' and 'filthy'. He's got such form for this. Men like him make me feel sick. Please think carefully about staying with a man like that, for your daughters as well as you

If it was free sites I still wouldn’t feel ok about it but I’d be happier he wasn’t spending the money. He told me he paid for 1-1 chats and that’s why it cost so much because “it was just something about it being 1-1”

I’m using my time with him being at work to evaluate everything. It’s our first anniversary very soon and he told me tonight it’s been the best year.. wish I could agree

Oh love, it's not you 🌷

You really would be better off 'setting him free' to do as he pleases!

I know you have 2 lovely girls together & bringing them up on your own wasn't your plan, but you'll be happier than in this relationship

He's proven you cannot trust him, more than once, and it doesn't get better or easier it just eats away if you and in time destroys you.

Obviously he's not all bad & separating will be hard, but you'll thank yourself in the long run.

& yes, people do separate/divorce over stuff that happened in the past.

My ex cheated on me & the two years we spent trying to rebuild our relationship destroyed me more than him actually cheating.

Take care 🌷

His mind is clearly elsewhere (sex, sex, sex with women that aren't you).

He doesn't sound like he respects you. If he has an addiction has he sincerely sought professional help? If he was a multi-millionaire do you think he'd stay with you because he loves you and the kids or leave because 1 of the main reasons he stays with you is because there's a roof over his head and it's an easy life?

If I were you I would leave him.
If he loves the kids as he says he'll play his role and you can find a way to co-parent and share responsibilities.

You deserve to be with someone who you trust and who cares about you.
You don't need the stress, paranoia and low self confidence. Porn isn't a deal breaker for everyone, some couples enjoy watching it together however he goes behind your back and lies about enjoying porn. The secrecy is a huge red flag.

In fact the secrecy is the thing I'd find most disturbing.

I was awake until 12.30 last night searching again, I just can’t help myself and got up half an hour ago for work. I’m absolutely knackered. I’m feeling so much hatred for him at the moment, whenever he messages me I just get so angry but keep it to myself

You're full of anger and frustration and hate. You're driving yourself bonkers and into the ground with the obsessive checking. Do you want to be this person? You don't have to be.

Time to do something. End the relationship.
You don't have to keep doing this.
You don't have to take it forward with you into future relationships either.
Make an end to it.

You cannot live this way, it’s ridiculous.
Set yourself free.

Can you afford therapy at all, op? I've been through the exact same thing, though mine was an ex who just cheated on me constantly. I ended up exactly like you are describing yourself now. Even down to the thinking i was a 'psycho'. I stayed in that relationship for 11 years.

Some things i learned :

• he will not change

• no matter what you find out you will always then move on to another 'bottom line' - you'll move your own goalposts constantly to justify staying eg if you do find out for sure he's been physical you'll change it to 'as long as it was only once ' It will never end

• you are going to make yourself very very ill.

• he will be the one to leave you and not vice versa

I strongly recommend therapy. It was the only thing that helped me. Pps talk of ptsd type symptoms and i completely agree. I'm 15 years out of that relationship, i'm married with three children, i have a great job, i am financially independent but if i hear a certain text alert sound my entire body crumbles. I can even be at work, i could be in a shop and hear it and my body's reaction is identical to as if i was back with the ex about to find out the next woman he was cheating with. It's actually debilitating and i've sought help for that specific thing too.

Finally, you have dcs. They will learn your behaviour. They will sense your change in mood when you're about to start searching the Internet for evidence. They will see it all. They won't necessarily know what any of it means but they'll store it up for when they are older and think that's the way to act in a relationship. You don't want that for them.

I would be telling your dh in no uncertain terms to get the fuck out of your life. How dare he bring you to your knees like this when you're at home raising his kids? Fuck him.

Much easier said that done. I wish i had done it myself (my ex left me!) but the sooner you do it the quicker you can start to heal.

My own experience is, that when I finally ended the relationship, it was like a weight lifted and I could be free and me again. I spent a long time with my cheating ex, and did some of this policing and checking up thing and it was so so hard on my mental health. It's really not worth it.

And it will be having a knock on effect on your work and your children when you're obsessing and wearing yourself all night doing this.

Do you think he's awake all night torturing himself? Why are you doing this to yourself? Get some self respect and divorce this loser.

I will be looking into therapy, I don’t have the money to throw at it but I can certainly scrimp on other things, if it will help how I’m feeling then il try anything.

I know he can’t love me because of what he gets up to but I genuinely feel like he does. Years ago i used to be so in love with him and always loved him more than he loved me, now I feel like it’s swapped. Could he love me more even though he’s hurting me by doing these things?

Could he love me more even though he’s hurting me by doing these things?

Does it matter? It doesn't change the fact he continues to hurt you over and over.

My ex loved me as much as he was capable of and never wanted us to split up. But his love was worth fuck all because his actions never matched the words and his constant cheating ground my self esteem and mental health into the dust. Love is only worth something when it's accompanied by loyalty and care and living it. Not slowly tearing the relationship and alleged loved one's security and self-worth apart with betrayal and gaslighting.

You are tying yourself in knots with this. Trying to work out how he feels and how much he feels it and how you feel.

Just look at the facts. You know

He cheats On you
He lies to you
He steals family money
He abuses exploited women

Do you want to stay with him and live like this for the rest of your life? Because he’s never going to change.

op your version of psycho is pretty tame compared to what I would be doing if that was my dh!

@category12

You're full of anger and frustration and hate. You're driving yourself bonkers and into the ground with the obsessive checking. Do you want to be this person? You don't have to be.

Time to do something. End the relationship.
You don't have to keep doing this.
You don't have to take it forward with you into future relationships either.
Make an end to it.

Totally this.

You say the only thing keeping you together is your children...don't fall for the old chestnut of using your children as the excuse to stay in an untrustworthy marriage. Life is too short and you will not be doing your children any favours by staying with him, they will pick up on your anxiety and stress over the situation. It's not a way to live.

It's not you op it's him!

My exdh had an affair but it took a me weeks to find enough proof for me to leave. I became obsessed with checking everything, I used to get a huge adrenaline rush when I found something, and in some strange way I think I got addicted to that. I just couldn't stop. I stayed with him for 3 years but I simply couldn't get over it (and it turned me into a nut job). The relief when I finally decided to end it was amazing! I never checked again

It's your first wedding anniversary soon? And he has already cheated with a sex worker and spent nearly £2k on webcams?

You're losing your mind. There will always be something new to worry about, because you know what he's like. New email addresses, unexplained transactions, withdrawals that you can't match... And you'll always tell yourself that if you found something concrete, you'd leave, but until you've got that, you'll just keep looking and driving yourself more crazy.

You have got it. He withdrew £90 and paid it to a sex worker. There is no way that he paid £90 in cash for a massage, just no way. He's absolutely insulting your intelligence to try and tell you that. And more than that, he's spent £1800 on 1:1 chatrooms with webcam girls, so that he could talk to them directly and tell them what to do. You have concrete evidence.

The longer you stay, the more crazy you'll drive yourself - and if that reaches into years, the more likely it is that you'll teach your daughters that this is a relationship. They'll settle for what they see.

There's no way to save this, because you understandably can't trust him, and you'll look for evidence constantly. There's no relief for you. You can't ever win. If you never find anything, you'll keep looking, and always wonder if he's just got better at hiding it. If you do find something, he's done it again and you've stayed for no reason.

I'm two years older than you, and I got married recently. I had an ex just like yours. Take it from me - it's not worth it. I wish I'd had the strength to leave at the time. Everyone here told me to. I couldn't. I'd have saved myself a lot of pain if I had.

This is eating you up. Why are you putting yourself through this? You know he’s disgusting. You say you’d be upset if your daughters were with such a man. Imagine your daughters talking about you when they’re older.. Will they say “my dad was a slime ball but my mum just put up with it” or will they say “my dad was a slime ball but my mum was so strong and threw him out..”??

Spend your time doing some research on how to leave. How to get yourself out. How to separate finances etc. Imagine yourself in the future with someone who doesn’t put you through all this. Who respects women, and especially you. This man lies. God knows what he’s up to when he’s away. This man is not worth your tears and stress.

You are all right. I need to hear the hard truth and this is the only place I can get it. I don’t want to speak to anyone in real life about it because it’s embarrassing, I know it’s embarrassing for him but I find it embarrassing too. I’m probably most embarrassed about actually staying with him after he’s done this.

He’s told me in the past if I ever left him he doesn’t know what he would do or how he would cope. I’m also a massive people pleaser and the thought of people finding out that I’ve ended a marriage without knowing the facts makes me scared to be honest.

I know I need to wisen up.

*without knowing the facts and judging me

You're 28!!! Ditch him and make a life for yourself that doesn't feel like this x

What do you mean no facts??

Just from this thread:
This man has paid sex workers online
This man has joined sex sites
This man has no respect for women including his wife and daughters
This man thinks paying women for sexual services is perfectly fine during your marriage - even if "only" on cams or chat sites

Any one of those facts is enough to divorce in my book.

I would definitely leave someone over one incident that occurred in the past...not because I couldn't forgive them but because I don't want to spend my life doing exactly what you're doing now. Really, this continually looking over your shoulder is not worth it. He created that. Forgive him and move on sure, but I wouldn't flake Ro him as a partner. I'd wish him the best of luck while swooshing him out the door. Nothing is worth sacrificing my peace of mind for.