I have to accept my marriage is over - don’t I?

[Failureandtrapped]

Increasingly the only reason I feel we’ve made it this far is because we don’t spend much time together. Dh is off this week and I can’t breathe. I feel like I could scream.
I’ve tried and tried to check back in. I really have. I care about him, I don’t want to hurt him, we have children together and he is happy. But I am not. Is my happiness with the happiness of dh and the children? I don’t know, I feel so angry and alone all the time. It’s fine when it’s just me and the dc. I just cannot pretend anymore. Where do I go from here?

That sounds really tough.
What are you finding so difficult about him? Do you feel like the spark is gone? Is he always irritating you? Are you still attracted to him? Do you feel bored in his company?

This was me, for ages. I didnt realise until I decided to quit how unhappy it was making me, now I can see clearly we should have split years ago. Im sorry you are feeling this, its tough and awfully guilt inducing when kids are involved, but its also not great for them to see you unhappy.

It sounds like it, sorry

They can’t all be that happy if you’re silently seething.

Can you pinpoint what’s troubling you so much?

Get legal advice first and foremost, plan it, will you stay in the family home? Will you sell and split the cash?

Don't worry op, I split from my ex in March and I'm really happy now, wish I'd done it a long time ago!

It’s a lot of little things - he’s ten years older and I was still a teen when we met - late teen not a child 😂
It’s always been a bit parent / child relationship. Dh thinks he’s got the final say in everything and it increasingly annoys me. If I disagree he puts pressure on me to change my mind. He annoyed me today for example because the children were talking about how they’d like a dog and dh said - who will pick up the dog mess? Because i’ll tell you who it won’t be, it won’t be me. Mummy will have to do it, that’s more a job for her.
He wasn’t joking. All the menial stuff is mine and always has been. He is very much king of the castle. I feel so suffocated. I’m not who I was aged 19.

How old are the dc & do you have anything of your own, like a job to go to? Being in the house during CV has been a bit of a pressure cooker for a lot of people... can you take a break from the family, take a walk every day this week?

There is no reason for you to stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of your children. Functional parenting is better for them than a dysfunctional traditional family form. That has been proven.

Anyway he sounds like a domineering arsehole.

Well, do you want your dc to grow up thinking the man never mucks in with household chores and dominates the household, or would you prefer them to have more modern relationships themselves when they're older?

I know what lessons I'd prefer they were learning.

I’ve not had a minute to myself since lockdown and covid.
It’s driving me crazy. He won’t let me go for a walk etc on my own. We have to go as a family or not as all. 🙄

That's pretty controlling.

Very, in fact.

What would happen if once the DC are in bed you put your shoes on and say "see you in half an hour"?

I wouldn’t.

Why not? If you are afraid of the consequences, then that is a reason to leave which is somewhat larger than being a bit dissatisfied with your marriage.

@Failureandtrapped
I am in the middle of divorcing my EA ex. He was sometimes controlling, but right until the end I went out as I pleased. I would say I'm out tonight, he would say ok, and then find a movie to watch with dc. There were times he'd sulk after I came back but this stopped pretty quickly. In my opinion it is completely unacceptable that you can't even go out for a walk without him, and also that you wouldn't even think to do so. Have a look at this checklist does he do any of the other things, are you in an abusive relationship?

maggiesresource.com/are-you-in-an-abusive-relationship-c110.php

I just know he wouldn’t like it - he wouldn’t shout or anything but he’d question about it and probably phone me when I was out and I can’t be bothered with the hassle.

Not being allowed out for a walk is very, very wrong.

Sounds like he controls you / treats you like his property.

Sounds like it wouldn't be a bad thing for your marriage to be over if your not even allowed out for a walk on your own.

He’d let me go. He just wouldn’t like it and I know that so I don’t suggest it.

Why do you have to do what he likes?

I think it's worth sitting down and chatting to him and making it clear that you are an adult in an equal relationship. That you are as much a decision maker as he is and that you deserve your autonomy. That you don't need his permission to do perfectly normal things like go out because you feel like it etc. If he doesn't accept that then there is no hope.

Your relationship as it stands is controlling and stifling.

You don't have to stayed married when the love is gone, OP. He sounds particularly appalling and even if you were in love with him we would probably tell you to divorce him. But he could be the kindest, nicest man in the world, but if the love is gone, it is better for both of you to be apart.

Id be careful before letting him think you might be wanting to leave. My experience of controlling, dominating men is that they can get very nasty if they think things arent going their way. Do a bit of research into how you could leave first. My ex hid papers and financial information, moved money to other people, made things very difficult for me when he got wind of it.

Kids in bed, put shoes on, say I’m going for a me time walk round the block for 15 minutes. You need time alone. That’s why you are feeling like this. If he won’t let you go then you say “well we’d best get divorced then because I’m not poking up with this for the rest of my life. I go out alone or I go permanently. Your choice dude” start putting your foot down.